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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Three pounds on a Christmas present. Is this tight or ok?

106 replies

RockBird · 17/11/2009 08:16

SIL happened to comment at the weekend that she has done her Christmas shopping and spent £8 on brothers and sisters, £5 on other halves and £3 on children (there are three under 6 in the family of which DD is one)

Background: Both her and her fiance are very high earners, the highest earners in the family and they do not have children or a huge mortgage. Both sets of parents are paying for their wedding. Only mentioning this to clarfiy that lack of money is not the issue.

I also should make it clear that I do not expect any presents IYSWIM. If she had said sorry I'm not giving presents this year it absolutely wouldn't bother me. But I think £3 is odd. I would rather she had spent the whole amount for our part of the family on DD or got nothing at all. For DD's first birthday earlier this year she didn't buy her a card, she got a very dark, grown up notelet and wrote a one on it. That really annoyed me and is possibly clouding my judgement over this but it all just seems stingy and I'd rather she hadn't bothered.

So go on, let me have it. I'm B very U aren't I?

OP posts:
ijustwanttoaskaquestion · 17/11/2009 10:49

yeah, YABU and you know it If it were me and people had a budget (high earners or not, they clearly have a budget)i would rather that be spent on my children rather than buying DP and myself stuff that we dont need or probably want. It is totally the thought that counts though - thing is, they dont have children yet so they haven't experienced that almost physical urge to empty the whole of John Lewis on a birthday or xmas and spoil them rotten (corrr, if only eh).

For the past two years i have bought my in laws presents from charity shops. Spent no more than a fiver each time - Thing is, I think those presents, being unusual and obviously worth a whole lot more than a fiver new, were the most appreciated ones so far!! Will do the same this year - if i see something in a charity shop and think, oh, X will like that - then thats what i'll buy. I think i spent £1.50 on my neice last year - and £10 on her brother - mean? No, i just happened to find something lovely for neice for £1.50 (new) in a cheapy book shop (more than one item even) but had to pay more for nephew as thats what i bought him cost iyswim. The presents were of equal "quality" so i fet no need to regulate it.

FWIW, my experience has taught me that the more money people have, the tighter they tend to be with it!

OrmIrian · 17/11/2009 10:51

Now I'm worried! I bought a copy of Ingo for my neice from Amazon. DD read it and loved it so I thought my neice (8m younger) would like it too. Paperback so only cost 3.98. Should I reconsider Don't want to seem stingey.

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 17/11/2009 10:57

I do know how you feel. It's the can't be botheredness of it rather than the amount.
My (rather well-off) BIL and his wife piss me off like this - they have never once bought a present for any of our children, although they usually buy something for DH and myself (usually a soap set or similar), but what really really annoys me is that their Christmas card is also just addressed to DH and me - no mention of the children whatsoever.
It is really not a material thing - but it does annoy me that DH spends time and trouble on getting them something nice and they pretend our children don't exist.

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 17/11/2009 10:59

Orm - the amount isn't the issue though for the OP, it's the lack of thought. Ingo is a great book and I would be delighted if anyone bought it for my DD (even though she already has it!) because it shows you had chosen carefully.

OrmIrian · 17/11/2009 11:02

Ah I see. Didn't read properly. I agree that taking time and care is important but sometimes it's hard if you don't know the people well. We give DH's nephews cash these days as we never see them to know what they'd like. I often worry that might be interpreted as not caring.

Original poster
RockBird · 17/11/2009 11:04

Oh dear, this is running and running isn't it! I'm scared now but will go back and read the latest posts...

OP posts:
ParanoidAtAllTimes · 17/11/2009 11:06

I think it's not so much the amount as the fact she's spending less on the children. I'd much rather people spend money on ds than buy tat gifts for myself and dp. I know that sound really harsh and ungrateful! I just agree with other posters who've said xmas is for children.

So IMO YANBU

imaginewittynamehere · 17/11/2009 11:06

Lancelottie I think you might be right - in fact you may have just given me an idea for my nephew's christmas present ;)

Perhaps my example should have read steak knives?

BaronessBarbaraKingstanding · 17/11/2009 11:10

It does seem rather stingy imo. A bit like she really doesn't care.

I agree OP better to say, 'lets forget pressies and all that material stuff altogether', than indulge in this exercise of meaness.

the moneys not important, and fine if you find something great for 99p, or if £3 is all you can afford, but this attitude seems as obessed with the money as those that splash around £50/100 presents.

the money is not important but taking time to choose somethhing nice is.

Allets · 17/11/2009 11:15

I haven't read the whole thread. So this is for the OP.

I would probably also have mixed feelings about this. If it were me, I probably wouldn't give anything if it meant spending 3 quid. Most likely, I would suggest present nominations to ensure that each child got a reasonable gift, leaving the adults out.

I definitely agree that giving a gift at Christmas is about the thought, but I can't stand giving or receiving cheap plastic tat which either ends up broken after the first use or on the skip because it doesn't work. Not to say that all

Original poster
RockBird · 17/11/2009 11:16

Orm, of course you're NBU. You saw something and thought your niece would love it, that's different.

I realise I am BU. In answer to someone who asked whether I was actually peed off more about the £3 or the lack of thought, I did initially think the allocation of funds was a bit but I'm honestly not money driven like that and you lot have made me feel like I am (quite rightly) so I am willing to acknowledge a mistake there. It is really the lack of effort that irks the most.

She is generally like this but would be the first to raise the issue if it was the other way round. I go mad trying to find things that people will really like and forget that not everyone has the inclination to do that.

Thanks for the input though and for not being too horrible to me

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 17/11/2009 12:49

I like the spending time/taking care/thought that counts thing, but I just don't think it's always realistic for extended family at Christmas these days. I'm certainly guilty of the mad dash around Tescos and I can tell from what I get from non-immediate family that they do likewise. There's a bit of thought - different boxes of chocs for different folk - but nothing like the thought I give to my DH, DS or mum and dad. And I don't feel guilty abut it - I know the other kids in my family get tons of pressies and often have no idea who's given them what. Especially aged one, what are you worried about? You'll only have to flog it on a carboot sale in a few months.

Firawla · 17/11/2009 12:56

if they find something nice which happens to be £3 then okay, but if they set that as a limit and for eg see something £3.50 "oh no thats too much, couldn't possibly go over my limit" when they are not even poor, but can easily afford - i think that is tight.
and if it was the 1st case, no need to go around telling the childs parents or anyone else in a way to feel pleased with themselves for spending so less, just wrap it up and give it if its something nice they got as a bargain. To make a point of saying it makes out like "your dd is not worth a penny more than £3 to me" which is rude

StarExpat · 17/11/2009 13:01

I have just never, ever even given it a thought about who gives my ds gifts - and he's our pfb! On his birthday, I was appreciative and happy that some of our family sent a present, but didn't give it a second thought as to how "good" it was. And I didn't think about who had and who had not given a gift... especially not in comparison to who earned more/less I was appreciative of what was given and didn't think twice about anything else!
I don't know why I post on these threads. I guess it just hits a nerve. I just don't understand people who place such importance on receiving gifts.

etchasketch · 17/11/2009 13:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

allaboutme · 17/11/2009 14:54

YANBU!!!!

The fact that she has allocated an amount to each person ie all kids get £3 present, siblings £8 etc means that she is finding presents to fit into that tight budget, rather than finding presents that suit each person regardless of the value (within limits obviously!)
For example I may spend £10 on my sister but £3 on my brother as I find them both something that I think they will like and that has the same amount of thought behind it.

If money is tight, or even if its not tight but they want to scale down on spending this xmas then the priority is a bit wonky!
I should think most people would rather have the Dcs get nice presents and the adults get nothing tbh

Kaloki · 17/11/2009 15:07

I think your SIL is being reasonable, seeing as you've also mentioned a wedding list I assume a lot of their money will be going towards a wedding.

Also I'm setting a budget for presents this year, it makes it far easier, and stops spending getting out of control.

Plus I'd never dictate how someone else should spend their money, high earner or not.

BitOfFun · 17/11/2009 15:12

I have only spent three quid on loads of presents, including some lovely perfume for my mum. I have used shopping codes online and been very canny

Everybody forgets what you bought them by January anyway- it's really not worth getting a tittylip about. At least you know not to push the boat out.

Original poster
RockBird · 17/11/2009 15:25

LOL. Oh it makes it dead easy for DH who does his family's Christmas pressies. He wants to give them all socks!

We are setting a budget too, don't get me wrong but...oh I give up!!!

OP posts:
CuppaTeaJanice · 17/11/2009 15:28

I don't understand why she's told you how much she's spending.

I hate people knowing how much I've spent on a gift, which is why I never give money or vouchers, and never get gifts from a wedding list. I do put thought into gifts, though. I might not spend a lot, but it will be on something that I think the recipient will appreciate. Also I'll repackage something cheap to look expensive.

Maybe she's aware that other members of the family might not have much money at the moment, and doesn't want them to feel obligated to get her an expensive present for Christmas or wedding in return.

Original poster
RockBird · 17/11/2009 15:37

I'm not sure. I think she was just proud of having done her shopping and didn't think to be fair.

To highlight the point that it really isn't the money aspect, I went with her and my MIL to a Christmas fair last year and I saw a lovely delicate little silver ring that I loved that cost £7 so she said if I really liked it, she'd buy it for me for Christmas. Wonderful, says I, thank you!

When Christmas came, it was labelled as from her and her sister. I didn't give it a second thought. I loved the ring, they knew I would like it so a £3.50 pressie from each of them was no problem at all.

I am a nice person, really!

OP posts:
FritesMenthe · 17/11/2009 15:51

Sorry have only skimmed thread - do you know what she's bought for her 3 quid? I quite like a bargain myself and would happily spend £3 on something that originally cost 3 or 4 times that, for a present.

fledtoscotland · 17/11/2009 16:10

tbh I do sort of see where you are coming from. OK its a recession and people are cutting their cloth etc etc. We have a budget in our family but the children will still be spoilt as Christmas is still a time for children with Santa, the tree, the excitement. Adults accept that some years are more frugal than others when just a card or a bottle of cheap plonk is enough.

I dont really get why she told you her budget. I havent detailed my spending to our family this year. its suffice for them to know we are on one income due to DH going back to uni. We have cut back for everyone apart from the DC but even then our budgets are a guide so my FIL has had £18 spent instead of the £20 but SIL has had £25. that way people are getting what they want rather than trying to find a present to fit a specific price.

I do think £3 is a bit mean. I have got lots of friends DC to buy for and have set £5 per child. cant explain why but that extra £2 goes a long way in Tescos.

MIFLAW · 17/11/2009 16:35

Tight as a frog's arsehole.

StrictlyBoogying · 17/11/2009 16:37

YANBU - but it's about the seeming lack of thought and xmas magic and not the money.

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