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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

...to refuse to move my wedding date to avoid upsetting someone I don't know?

149 replies

LoveInAColdClimate · 16/11/2009 17:28

I and my wonderful DF are getting married in May. Until last week, we had planned to have the marquee in my parents' garden - the marquee chap had previously visited the site and said it was definitely big enough and would be a lovely location. Unfortunately, when the caterer came for a site visit last week, she said she it really wouldn't work as there wasn't enough room for her catering staff and she didn't think the gaps between the tables would be big enough for food to be served and cleared away without a huge fuss and people having to move chairs etc.

Cue much panic, until we managed to persuade a local farmer to let us hire one of his fields. He was actually lending it to the daughter of a friend of my parents' for her wedding three weeks later, so he phoned her mother to check they wouldn't mind - she said she didn't, although didn't check with her daughter as she didn't think she'd mind either.

The next day the other woman's mother phoned my mother (they are friends) to say that her daughter was terribly upset that someone else would be using the field three weeks before her and could we possibly either move the date of our wedding to after hers or find another venue. It's the first time a wedding has been held in the field and she thinks it will be less special if hers is second.

There really isn't another venue that is suitable without having at least a half hour drive between the church and the reception, and we can't move the date because almost everything else (caterers, church, florist etc) is booked and lots of our friends and family have booked their accommodation, booked time off work etc (as have we). In any case, I really don't want to change the date, as it's a special date to us for various reasons. I'd also really like to have the wedding in the village where I grew up, and this is the only big enough flat place we can hire to fit the marquee for the reception (it's a pretty hilly area!).

Am I being terribly unreasonable in refusing to move our wedding? Neither I nor my fiancé have ever met this girl, and while we will have two guests who will "overlap" and attend both weddings, it's not as if many will do so at all. I really don't want to upset her, or cause any awkwardness between our parents, but I also don't want to move things around to accommodate someone I don't know. My parents are also sorry that she's upset but also of the view that it's not really fair to ask us to change things for a girl we don't know.

Am I being unreasonable... or is she?

OP posts:
piratecat · 17/11/2009 10:08

if she's had this field eramarked for some time and thought it was going to be special cos she was going to be the first one to have her wedding there, then i can see her point.

It's not the same as hiring a hall, or a function room, that you know has been used before.

She might have gone for it for personal special reasons, and now you are having it before her.

BaronessBarbaraKingstanding · 17/11/2009 10:22

I can imagine actually that if it's a small village and no one ever has ever had a marquee in this spot before, that you doing it 3 weeks before her will look a bit like she is copying/repeating waht you did first.

Yes it's irrational, yes it's not imporatnt in the great scheme of things, yes it's unreasonable, but I can imagine her disapointment at this.

SoupDragon · 17/11/2009 11:00

The OP grew up in the village and wants to be married in that village on a significant date and have her reception there. Original reception plans fell through and there are no other suitable locations. Innumerable things have been booked (and these usually require a deposit at the time of booking).

The other bride's reason for objecting is that it's the first time a wedding has been held in the field and she thinks it will be less special if hers is second and is suggesting the OP change the date of her wedding.

Which sounds reasonable and which sounds Bridezilla like?

It is not unreasonable for the other bride to be feeling upset but she really needs to get some perspective.

porcamiseria · 17/11/2009 11:01

ah fuck her!!! sorry but you dont owe her anything, mean but true

hormonalmum · 17/11/2009 11:10

not read the whole thread, but is she paying the farmer for hire of said field?

However, I am very surprised a farmer would let anyone use a field in May when there are things such as crops to consider.

porcamiseria · 17/11/2009 11:18

Its a FIELD!!!!!!! what so if you booked local hotel too shed ask you to move it too? I hate bridezillas

Blondeshavemorefun · 17/11/2009 11:19

yanbu

it is a venue, not a dress etc - yes unuusal to have in a field but obv it is the new done venue

plus the fact there are only a few guests who are going to both

if you and her were close friends i could understand it, but you havent even met the girl

FiveGoMadonTheDanceFloor · 17/11/2009 11:20

hormonalmum - depends what the field is being used for, if for hay then that is usually cut June but if for silage then that is cut earlier so would be fine for the farmer to rent out the field.

islandofsodor · 17/11/2009 11:31

It isn;t totally unique though is it. From what the OP has said weddings have always been held in another nearby field, but due to the other farmer planting crops this is the only field available and the new farmer is looking to get some income from doing this regurlaly.

SongOfThePEACHY · 17/11/2009 11:36

BaronessBarbara- the OP said she had flowers marque etc arranged- and frome xperience of cancelling a wedding, the losses associated with that / changing a date can be significant. I was just glad to be out of it all, but we did lose a few thousand pounds.

SoupDragon · 17/11/2009 11:37

It would appear to be a cow field, not crops.

FiveGoMadonTheDanceFloor · 17/11/2009 11:41

Watch where you are stepping then

BaronessBarbaraKingstanding · 17/11/2009 11:49

I think if big money losses would be incurred then it's a no brainer.

But the main big monay cost is the recepetion deposit, which, evidently is not yet booked.

I suspect flowers and church are just dates in diaries at ths time and a phone call to say, could you do 4 weesk later instead would not cost anything. If church/flowers/caterers could not do new date then obviously you can't do it. AND you have the advantage of saying you tried and looking nice.

Caterers evidently were also only at the stage of assessing venue and not a firm booking so can't imagine moany has changed hands. Could be wrong, if lots of money involved def don't consider changing.

Other bride is clearly silly, but i can imagine being a bit silly in that situaatin, many brides are rather silly and think things that aren't inpoiratnt are. She's been asked though and said she's upset, OP in in unenviable posotion of ignoring her or tyring to be nice even though she feels she has the morally superior position.

I use the term 'moral' loosely, in realtion to whose demand trumps the others wedding.

mazzystartled · 17/11/2009 11:49

impressed at the agricultural knowledge of some posters

Can only be one "personal special reason" why the field is significant and I don't suppose she'll want to be discussing that.

I honestly can't understand why anyone who hasn't lost their marbles a bit would be upset at someone using the same site 3 WHOLE WEEKS before with a totally different people at the event. None of the guests will know! And even if they did know none of them would care.

SwapSentToCD · 17/11/2009 11:56

Before my cancelled wedding I ahd a call from the Vcar to say I couldn't have flowers as the wedding after mine was that of aFlorist'sdau8ghter and she ahd spent thousands and would have to decorate the night before.

Much as we like to think it otherwise, weddings are really mass industry and we all have to make allowances along the line.

Unless of coursde you do what dh and I did and book exclusive use of a hotel as per contract,even then things will crop up and that's life. Ours was (unintentionally) a comedy in as many ways as a romance,and all the better for it I think.

spicemonster · 17/11/2009 11:58

"we can't move the date because almost everything else (caterers, church, florist etc) is booked and lots of our friends and family have booked their accommodation, booked time off work etc (as have we)"

That is a load of bloody good reasons not to move the date. Anyway the OP's mum asked the other bride's mum if it were okay and she said yes. Now it's not the mum's fault that her daughter is throwing a total hissy fit but frankly it's a fucking field. Perhaps the OP should offer to returf it?

SwapSentToCD · 17/11/2009 12:12

Maybe OP could offer to hold a version of one of those ceremonies some born again Christian groups use to make women 'virgins' (erm Ok....) again after years of being sexually active?

maybe that's the problem; other bride only inviting virgins and the like so field needs to be pure?Perhpas there is ritual sacrifice involved somewhere as well?

angelald22 · 17/11/2009 12:22

Tell her to stop being such a princess & deal with it - its a venue - not her whole wedding - Im sure it can still be as "special" as she hoped - even though you have had yours there first!!

Tell her to pick another field surrounding it if shes that bothered!!!

Have a lovely day too hun. xx

nickelbabe · 17/11/2009 12:30

ooh, swapsenttocd: if you hadn't cancelled the wedding, then you'd have had free use of thousands of pounds of wedding flowers! wow! and all your guests would have thought you'd paid for it!

and my original wedding plans involved the reception being in a field that motorbike racing had been held in and that sheep lived (and therefore POOED) in.

i, however, am a bit of a bridezilla and i would have thrown a tantrum if someone else wanted to use the same field a few weeks before me.
not that it matters now, because that wedding is off (things more important than a wedding, you see...)

anyway, OP, YANBU, but neither is Bridezilla.
can't she put hers forward to a couple of weeks before yours?

nickelbabe · 17/11/2009 12:32

oh, and if i'd been the other bride's mother, i would have told my daughter to "bloody grow up! i've said it's okay already, so stop being such a cry-baby. your wedding will be just as special because it's the wedding and the groom that matter most."

TheMightyToosh · 17/11/2009 12:43

The problem is that you asked in the first place. That validates her in thinking that she has a right to an opinion on it.

If you had never asked, she might not even have known, let alone felt invited to give her opinion.

I think since you asked the mother and she said it was fine, you have to say to them that you're very sorry, but since you got the go ahead from the mother, you have gone ahead and booked everything so no, you really can't move it now.

It is perfectly reasonable for you to have your wedding there, and you were really only asking out of politeness, not really expecting her to say no, surely!!

TheMightyToosh · 17/11/2009 12:47

"i, however, am a bit of a bridezilla and i would have thrown a tantrum if someone else wanted to use the same field a few weeks before me."

nickelbabe - not to pick on you specifically, but I'm interested - why does it matter? It's not like it's being published in OK magazine - what difference does it make?

Unless half the guests are going to be the same at both weddings, and will think 'oh, been there done that' by the second one, who at the second wedding will even know that there was one there the week before? I really don't get it.

JustAnotherManicMummy · 17/11/2009 12:47

Could you all promise to wear slippers and do divot stamping at the end of the evening?

LoveInAColdClimate · 17/11/2009 12:49

Thanks, all - yes, deposits have been paid, time off has been booked by us and friends and family, friends have arranged to fly back from Dubai, people have booked their accomodation etc, etc. Plus changing the date means find a new caterer, new marquee co, new band, new florist etc etc (even if we hadn't already paid deposits).

Am now wondering where the cows will go for the day, though! Am sure they will be in a nice alternative field - albeit probably not the only flat one for miles around!

I am so sorry that she's upset, and really hope it doesn't affect our mums' friendship, but moving it would be such a nightmare - and awful to have to ask friends and family to rearrange their travel.

To whoever asked - we're having a larger marquee by the same company (luckily they still had a bigger one left for the day) in the larger site. My parents' garden is on a hill (there's a theme here!) and the flat space was deemed too small by the caterer. I don't think the caterer's being high-maintenance, really - we'd had our doubts it was big enough when looking at the space and the plans but had been swayed by the super-optimistic (and lovely) marquee guy.

OP posts:
nickelbabe · 17/11/2009 12:51

mightytoosh: i honestly don't know why it would matter!
i'm just a bit high maintenance in that respect. i'm completely unreasonable.
i would get upset, but i wouldn't expect her to move her date because of it!
(yes, i am fickle)

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