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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

...to refuse to move my wedding date to avoid upsetting someone I don't know?

149 replies

LoveInAColdClimate · 16/11/2009 17:28

I and my wonderful DF are getting married in May. Until last week, we had planned to have the marquee in my parents' garden - the marquee chap had previously visited the site and said it was definitely big enough and would be a lovely location. Unfortunately, when the caterer came for a site visit last week, she said she it really wouldn't work as there wasn't enough room for her catering staff and she didn't think the gaps between the tables would be big enough for food to be served and cleared away without a huge fuss and people having to move chairs etc.

Cue much panic, until we managed to persuade a local farmer to let us hire one of his fields. He was actually lending it to the daughter of a friend of my parents' for her wedding three weeks later, so he phoned her mother to check they wouldn't mind - she said she didn't, although didn't check with her daughter as she didn't think she'd mind either.

The next day the other woman's mother phoned my mother (they are friends) to say that her daughter was terribly upset that someone else would be using the field three weeks before her and could we possibly either move the date of our wedding to after hers or find another venue. It's the first time a wedding has been held in the field and she thinks it will be less special if hers is second.

There really isn't another venue that is suitable without having at least a half hour drive between the church and the reception, and we can't move the date because almost everything else (caterers, church, florist etc) is booked and lots of our friends and family have booked their accommodation, booked time off work etc (as have we). In any case, I really don't want to change the date, as it's a special date to us for various reasons. I'd also really like to have the wedding in the village where I grew up, and this is the only big enough flat place we can hire to fit the marquee for the reception (it's a pretty hilly area!).

Am I being terribly unreasonable in refusing to move our wedding? Neither I nor my fiancé have ever met this girl, and while we will have two guests who will "overlap" and attend both weddings, it's not as if many will do so at all. I really don't want to upset her, or cause any awkwardness between our parents, but I also don't want to move things around to accommodate someone I don't know. My parents are also sorry that she's upset but also of the view that it's not really fair to ask us to change things for a girl we don't know.

Am I being unreasonable... or is she?

OP posts:
LoveInAColdClimate · 16/11/2009 17:43

Am SO glad it is not me being unreasonable. I was pretty sure it was her, but had started to wonder if I had somehow utterly lost perspective on the whole thing and was in fact being a huge Bridezilla myself and my family and DF were too nice to tell me...

Thank you so much for reassuring me (and making me laugh) - I am so grateful.

Now almost feel a little cross that she's given my family and me extra stress - just in case having to find a new venue hadn't been stressful enough!

OP posts:
ComeONFabStopStressingSOMuch · 16/11/2009 17:46

Blimey.

I can see her point and might have felt a bit precious like her too but would have soon realised that in years to come it really won't matter that mine wasn't the first wedding.

No idea why the farmer felt the need to ask.

YANBU.

Do not move anything.

ComeONFabStopStressingSOMuch · 16/11/2009 17:47

Anyone else suddenly wondering if the OP is the other bride?!?!?!

LoveInAColdClimate · 16/11/2009 17:48

Disenchanted is right - we're having a generator and those "posh" portaloo things (which I hope I will fit into in my dress...)

I don't think it should get churned up really - and will have three weeks to recover even if it does a little bit. The marquee is arriving in bits rather than on a big truck due to access - I don't think there should be any mess really. I don't think the farmer would have agreed in the first place to either of us if he thought we were going to dig the place up.

OP posts:
LoveInAColdClimate · 16/11/2009 17:51

I am definitely not the other bride (although would be interested to see how she presented it on here...).

As I said in my opening post, I really don't want to upset her - hopefully with a few weeks to calm down she'll mind less (and maybe even view mine as a dress rehersal for hers - if my mum reports some disaster back to her mum maybe they can avoid it!).

OP posts:
VinegarTits · 16/11/2009 17:52

I hate those portaloos not sure what a 'posh' one looks like, but they do tend to be small, you might be better squatting behind the bush in your dress OP

Hope it goes well for you

Why do you think the op is the other bride? [confuzzled]

ComeONFabStopStressingSOMuch · 16/11/2009 17:54

I just thought what if the bride was posting to try and get the other side of the field argument, not because of anything the OP had said.

LoveInAColdClimate · 16/11/2009 17:55

I think my dress is probably sufficiently large to fit one of those loos you can take camping under it without anyone ever knowing, VinegarTits! Good plan!

OP posts:
mazzystartled · 16/11/2009 17:56

she has lost all sense of perspective. she'll get over it. or she can move her weddign date if it matters so much to have the field first.

VinegarTits · 16/11/2009 18:01

Or a potty? yes if she is that bothered she should move her wedding forward, actually that would be a good plan for you as hers could be the dress rehearsal for yours

Are some poor cows being evicted for the day then?

carocaro · 16/11/2009 18:04

Agree YANBU

Why don't you drop her a note thanking her for her understanding, that weddings are stressfull sometimes and thigs come up that we cannot control and that you will do everything to ensure the field will be OK.

When I got married 10 years ago, I delivered to cake to the venue the day before, it was a National Trust property and our wedding reception was in the orangery, when we arrived there was this massive marquee on the lawn of the orangery, for a wedding on the Saturday, ours was on the Friday. The womand said she thought we knew. I went ballastic, as if I'd want to stare at someone else's marquee all day, which would be in all the pictures, and spoiling the view, the exclusive view, that we had paid £3,000 for to hire the venue exclusively. Did I say exclusively enough?

Anyway to cut a long story short, we got to use the marquee, which worked out really well as the day was roasting, had 25 bottles of free Moet and a full refund from the National Trust and a letter of apology off the Cheif Exec. RESULT!

The bride whoose wedding it was on the Saturday was told, and she did not mind one bit that we were using her marquee, which she had paid for as she felt she had been let down by the National Trust too! We sent each other notes and laughed about it.

Not funny at the time, but it all worked out really well in the end. Have a brilliant day, it will be amazing and this little thing will be a funny story you can talk about for years to come!

SoupDragon · 16/11/2009 18:08

"less special because it's second"! It's a farking field FFS.

Bubbaluv · 16/11/2009 18:15

I don't think YABU but I can actually understand her being upset. She probably was quite chuffed about having found a totally unique spot to have her wedding and now she's been copied before she even got to the big day.
I think I might actually have been a bit miffed too. so I don't hink you need to turn down the venue because of her, but maybe be a bit understanding.
In fact I'd be miffed if I'd found a unique venue for ANY party and then someone came along just a few weeks before my big event and beat me to it.
Sounds like everyone else would disagree with me though.

JustAnotherManicMummy · 16/11/2009 18:26

If you were wanting to wear her dress 3 weeks earlier then she would have a point.

But it is a field FFS.

edam · 16/11/2009 18:31

how ridiculous.

I was momentarily miffed when a schoolfriend of mine booked the same wedding reception venue six months after me but for a date three months before mine (not somewhere that was open to the public so quite special and not regularly used for weddings). But I got over it and treated it as a dress rehearsal for my own.

lizziemun · 16/11/2009 18:33

Tell her your doing a 'trail run' so the field will be perfect for her wedding .

DandyLioness · 16/11/2009 18:35

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DandyLioness · 16/11/2009 18:37

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SongOfThePEACHY · 16/11/2009 18:48

I was sort of in the other-Brides position- 'friend' (sort of close friend of my best friend that I had to endure fotr about 10 years until we moved away LOL) booked her wedding after ours but copying it in most respects (style of venue, menu, etc) and booked it a fortnight before mine.

I was very briefly bothered (5 minutes?) but really, what's the point? it'saday- a goodone but a single day.

As it was her meal was rank, dress mutton sleeved, her hotel cheesy and her guests bizarre.
Karma.

SongOfThePEACHY · 16/11/2009 18:48

So on blance

Of copurse you'renot being U,she's a bridezilla with knobs on.

SongOfThePEACHY · 16/11/2009 18:50

So on balance

Of course you're not being U, she's a bridezilla with knobs on.

And remember- karma.

Un;ess you're marrying in November in which case it probably is the mud issue mentioned below.

2shoes · 16/11/2009 18:52

ya sooooooooo nbu

Feelingforty · 16/11/2009 18:56

it's all a bit ridiculous. YANBU.

She is entitled to be 'miffed' but she certainly shouldn't be asking you to change your wedding date.

Don't understand the suggestiong of buying the other bride a bottle of champage - if you want to buy anyone a bottle, give it to the farmer for giving you the field & effectively saving your day !

bananaskins · 16/11/2009 18:58

Ah see now I'm really upset - I got married in a 17th century church, and hadn't really thought through how devastating that was. I mean just imagine how many people had got married there before me?

DandyLioness · 16/11/2009 19:03

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