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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

...to refuse to move my wedding date to avoid upsetting someone I don't know?

149 replies

LoveInAColdClimate · 16/11/2009 17:28

I and my wonderful DF are getting married in May. Until last week, we had planned to have the marquee in my parents' garden - the marquee chap had previously visited the site and said it was definitely big enough and would be a lovely location. Unfortunately, when the caterer came for a site visit last week, she said she it really wouldn't work as there wasn't enough room for her catering staff and she didn't think the gaps between the tables would be big enough for food to be served and cleared away without a huge fuss and people having to move chairs etc.

Cue much panic, until we managed to persuade a local farmer to let us hire one of his fields. He was actually lending it to the daughter of a friend of my parents' for her wedding three weeks later, so he phoned her mother to check they wouldn't mind - she said she didn't, although didn't check with her daughter as she didn't think she'd mind either.

The next day the other woman's mother phoned my mother (they are friends) to say that her daughter was terribly upset that someone else would be using the field three weeks before her and could we possibly either move the date of our wedding to after hers or find another venue. It's the first time a wedding has been held in the field and she thinks it will be less special if hers is second.

There really isn't another venue that is suitable without having at least a half hour drive between the church and the reception, and we can't move the date because almost everything else (caterers, church, florist etc) is booked and lots of our friends and family have booked their accommodation, booked time off work etc (as have we). In any case, I really don't want to change the date, as it's a special date to us for various reasons. I'd also really like to have the wedding in the village where I grew up, and this is the only big enough flat place we can hire to fit the marquee for the reception (it's a pretty hilly area!).

Am I being terribly unreasonable in refusing to move our wedding? Neither I nor my fiancé have ever met this girl, and while we will have two guests who will "overlap" and attend both weddings, it's not as if many will do so at all. I really don't want to upset her, or cause any awkwardness between our parents, but I also don't want to move things around to accommodate someone I don't know. My parents are also sorry that she's upset but also of the view that it's not really fair to ask us to change things for a girl we don't know.

Am I being unreasonable... or is she?

OP posts:
DandyLioness · 16/11/2009 20:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

LoveInAColdClimate · 16/11/2009 20:25

Yes, Dandylioness, is a lovely place for a wedding (or any event) and I understand the farmer has said he's going to start renting it out for more weddings (another field which was very popular has now been turned back into crops so could be a good moneyspinner). So could easily be that neither of us are the first!

OP posts:
Sassybeast · 16/11/2009 20:28

Dizziedixies - what an insightful contribution sweetie I'm actually a hairy biker from Scunthorpe called Trevor. Heaven help that anyone should consider another persons feelings. As long as one bridezilla gets her way, sod the other bridezilla

dizzydixies · 16/11/2009 20:35

thatta girl Sassy- this is mumsnet you know, we don't have weepy waily brides on here you understand

lovechoc · 16/11/2009 20:36

nice venue btw. and she's the one being U. what a lot of tripe making it seem like her day will be 'less special'. bridezilla moment, me thinks...

I'd say stuff it, you're not moving your date and you're just going for it.

Is it portaloos then for the guests???

LoveInAColdClimate · 16/11/2009 20:43

Portaloos it is, lovechoc - they're quite nice ones, though, as these things go - www.andyloos.co.uk/ - a bit like that but from another company. Not sure my dress and I will fit in a cubicle but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it!

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 16/11/2009 21:28

Sassy, how on earth is the OP being a Bridezilla? She had a venue, it fell through, she's booked the only other convenient venue and is not prepared to change her plans for her entire day by changing the date to suit a complete stranger.

It's a shame but it's hardly Bridezilla-ish or unreasonable.

groundhogs · 16/11/2009 22:02

Sassy...

IT'S A FFING FIELD!!!!!

Perspective please?

VinegarTits · 16/11/2009 22:41

Aww poor cows

PotPourri · 16/11/2009 22:50

The other bride is a bridezilla. YANBU - go ahead and have a lovely day. It's not your concern. If she is so bothered, she should shop around for another field...

spicemonster · 16/11/2009 22:51

Oh for goodness' sake! Get a grip woman (other bride, not you). You asked the farmer, so did she. It so happens that your wedding day is before hers.

FFS if that's all she has to worry about she's a very lucky woman.

Honestly I do wonder if women (and it is always women) focused less on their wedding day and more on the reality of their marriages, there might be fewer divorces.

Lotster · 16/11/2009 23:01

Hmmm, I can see why a woman in the grip of neurotic wedding planning might feel a bit usurped. BUt is quite bridezilla to actually vocalise it!!

I feel sorry for you on this and think it depends how much you tend to care what people think of you. If you have thick skin then go ahead, but if not, your name could be mud for a bit locally depending on just how pissed off she is!

Also think your caterer sounds a bit high maintenance - could you re-book someone or something food theme-wise to suit??

Hope you have a lovely wedding anyway.

alicet · 16/11/2009 23:15

No way would I be changing my wedding day for this. The other bride is mad if she really expects you to.

If she is upset then I guess I can understand why although I think she is being extremely high maintenance. It would be different it you were a close friend / family and lots of the guests were the same but there are only 2 guests in common.

I would politely say that there isn't any way that you can change the date as things have been booked that you can't change and that it has personal significance for you. And that there isn't another suitable venue. Point out that if she wishes to have her wedding before yours she is free to change HER wedding date if she wishes.

Then forget about it

Fibilou · 17/11/2009 08:48

Is this a joke ? She could f*ck right off.

Fibilou · 17/11/2009 09:08

"Not only have you copied her, but you are going first. You will upstage her big day."

Well if someone else is going to upstage her big day just because they use the venue first then that's pretty pathetic

clam · 17/11/2009 09:22

"she thinks it will be less special if hers is second." !!!

Are there really people that precious and self-centred out there?

clam · 17/11/2009 09:26

Oh, and another thing.

It's not up to the other bride (or her mother) to say yes or no to prior use of the field. Surely it's the farmer's decision?

Poledra · 17/11/2009 09:32

Well, I'm with VinegarTits and BallonSlayer - has anyone asked the poor cows if they mind?? It's their home FGS, they've being turfed (see what I did there? didya, didya?) out twice in a month to make way for some insignificant humans who will no doubt trample on their foodstuff and pee in the bushes (though mind you, cows might nto mind the peeing bit....).

I think she's BU - I might have felt a bit miffed but not enough to say it, and I'd have got over it pretty quickly. A good friend of mine booked her wedding after me but for 3 months before mine. For about 5 minutes, I felt like my thunder was stolen but I got over it (and was bridesmaid at her wedding too ). Sadly, she's now getting divorced.

BaronessBarbaraKingstanding · 17/11/2009 09:43

If you ask someone if they mind before you do something it suggests they have a choice or say in the decision.

Or what's the point in asking? She says yes she minds and you sya 'oh well that's a shame we're doing it anyway.'

If you're going to do it anyway don't ask if someone minds first. Obviously the farmer thought this might be a problem so he asked. That was your first (and only) mistake. now you can use the field anyway and feel morally justified, but are left feeling a bit mean that you know you upset someone and in her neurotic mind 'ruined her day.'

She wants the field first...you want that date...blah blah...my wedding this...blah blah..perspective on weddings is quickly lost.

Just get married if you want to.

At my wedding one bride was still leaving the reception venue as I arrived, I did for a moment think 'oh no 2 brides at once' but then thought 'sod it, I'm getting married!!!!!'

So, in short, YANBU, but you shouldn't have asked and now you are in an awkward situation. You could do the honourable thing to stop this women being upset, or you could proceed knowing you are right and therefore sod this women feelings.

Not great choices.

SoupDragon · 17/11/2009 09:46

The OP didn't ask, the farmer did. The bride's mother said it was OK.

It is not the OP's problem.

BalloonSlayer · 17/11/2009 09:48

Another thought OP, are you having a bigger marquee in this field than you would have had in your parents' garden.

In your OP you say that the catering lady was complaining about the lack of space. That appeared to be inside the marquee, and have no bearing on the outside environment.

BaronessBarbaraKingstanding · 17/11/2009 09:59

Whoever asked, she was asked, and she's says she minds.

You can think her unreasonable and call hera bridezilla but her opinion was asked and she gave it. As I said, if someone's opinion is asked it suggetss it will be considered in the decision.

Using this field first seems imporatnt to this women. Having that date is important to the OP. they are both making demands for waht they feel they need to make their day 'special'. we can judge whose demands are most worthy but the basic premise for arguing their cases is they same. They both want something, and thier wants clash.

BaronessBarbaraKingstanding · 17/11/2009 10:05

And no wedding is rtyly booked, until either, you've payed a huge deposit and a venure and will loose shedloads of money if you cancel or move the dates, and/or you've sent the invites out.

If you've done niether of these, it's just a date in your head or one written a vicars diary and easily be moved, unless it's very special to you. More special than another bride wnating to use a field first.

Not necessarily saying you're being unbreasonable OP, just sayig it's a bit of 'my wedding's got to be super speical and is more important than yours' all around imo.

Move it to the week aftre hers, you're only delaying by a month, your conscience is clear and that 'date' can still be special to you, whether you got married on it or not.

Or....sod her...the selfish neurotic bitch.

christiana · 17/11/2009 10:06

Message withdrawn

clam · 17/11/2009 10:07

OK, so their wants clash, but satisfying one bride's wants (the other one) severely cocks up the OP's. That alters the perspective quite significantly.

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