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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think she's just down-right disgusting?...

63 replies

MuddledMummy · 16/11/2009 13:27

I have a friend and she's very nice. We get on well... however she is really disgustingly dirty.

Not only with the cleanliness of her home which she shares with her 10mo DS, but in her own presonal hygiene too.

Whenever i've been to her house there has been empty take-away rubbish all over the kicthen/living room, dirty nappies all over the place, she always has tons of used sanitary products that really smell in her bathroom bin (as in all the time- like it's rarely emptied)...

As for her personal hygiene- she rarely changes her clothing, and as she's caked in make-up her tops alwasy have tons of it round the neckline... i've noticed she's been wearing the same top (mixture of 2 tops layered) since september- and as far as i'm aware it's not been washed... she's also starting to smell a bit, however she tries to cover it with deoderant and perfume.

Before anyone suggests it may be PND it started before she had her DS. Speaking to family members they feel the same as me but dont want to say anything as she has a very short temper and will instantly sulk like a 2yo!!

She's a young single mum but surely that doesn't give any reason to be like she is eiher? How do i approach the subject? Do i at all?

I'm getting more bothered recently as have seen her DS wearing the same jeans for the last few times i've seen him, and they still have the same food mark on them that i noticed the first time when i saw him i them.... which says to me that she's not washing his clothing either?...

OP posts:

overmydeadbody · 16/11/2009 13:30

There have got to b underlying issues with anyone this dirty.

whoisasking · 16/11/2009 13:30

Well it sounds as if she's depressed to me, whether that's PND or "normal" depression doesn't really make a difference.

Sounds to me like you just want to slag her off.

Original poster

MuddledMummy · 16/11/2009 13:32

i dont want to slag her off- it's just that i'm starting to get ashamed to be out in public with her... Her family say she was a dirty teenager, and would go ages without having a bath... surely she can't be depressed all this time and not have raised any concerns?

OP posts:

Mezley · 16/11/2009 13:33

This rather alarmed me! Find out who her health visitor is. If you think they are helpful and reasonable (ie common sense rather than party line) discuss it with them and see if they could visit along with Sure Start counsellor for support. Having worked in Social Services, this woman clearly needs help and guidance.

TheMitsubishiWarrioress · 16/11/2009 13:33

PND was my first thought, and a little surprised at how harsh you seem to be.

It sounds like she needs some TLC and a bit of a boost, so I would treat her very gently.

Rantagonist · 16/11/2009 13:34

It's not your friend I'd be worried about but her LO. Children do get a bit mucky, but this sounds pretty extreme.

I know the kind of house you're describing, but, without exception, it's been single men living in them.

She sounds to me like she's struggling, has she always been like this? What was it that made you click as friends?

Sounds to me like you're going to have to ignore the emotional blackmail she usually uses to stop people saying things she doesn't like ie 'I'll strop if you say anything you'll know I wont like' and get down to brass tacks, if you don't say something looks like nobody will.

MitchyInge · 16/11/2009 13:34

yabu to call her disgusting, she is a human being who sounds like she is struggling - unless you are exaggerating this is quite serious

if you were really her friend you'd brave the possibility of her 'sulking' and look for positive, constructive ways to help

TheMitsubishiWarrioress · 16/11/2009 13:35

Has she self esteem issues? This is about more than Personal hygiene.

Lulumama · 16/11/2009 13:36

YABU as most people would presume that someone with issues like this had real problems, rather than they were simply disgusting

maybe her washing machine has broken and she cannot get it fixed? maybe she does not have money for the laundarette?

PND may have excacerbated her problems and made the problem worse

you sound judgey, rather than wanting to help

AnyFuleKno · 16/11/2009 13:36

You have to be straight with her, there's no skirting around it. i.e. "You need to get this place sorted out mate, shall I come round one day and let's blitz it together?". Perhaps she's gotten used to it and doesn't notice how bad it has become?

whoisasking · 16/11/2009 13:37

Well her family sound wonderfully supportive of her don't they? How lovely.

Your posts sound quite contemptuous of depression, and it sounds as though her family failed to help her when she was at home.

Out of interest, why do you think she's failing to meet a reasonable level of hygiene?

JustAnotherManicMummy · 16/11/2009 13:37

Is it possible she just isn't coping? I'm thinking a Kim and Aggie situation where things have got out of hand.

Igglybuff · 16/11/2009 13:37

YABU. This woman needs help. Have you ever watched how clean is your house? The people on that show with filthy houses generally have an underlying problem and cleanliness goes out the window.

When I was young my mum had manic depression, PND and alcoholism. my brother and I were undernourished and unkempt as a result. Our house was filthy. So I'd be careful writing this woman off as dirty and try and work out what is going on.

FabIsLosingThePlot · 16/11/2009 13:37

YABU

No one would choose to live like this so there has to be other issues. She needs help.

Original poster

MuddledMummy · 16/11/2009 13:39

Honestly i'm not being harsh- i thought i needed to explain the extent of the un-cleanliness for people to not just think she was a little lazy on housework etc...

I have been friends with her for a long while now, and it has been something that does seem to have gotten worse since she moved out of her parents house...

I'm far from the perfect housewife- my house is never spotless, but i just think there's a line that has to be drawn...

She gets plenty of TLC and we regularly go on shopping trips etc, where i try and persuade her to treat herself to some new clothing and some nice smellies... the smellies she's bought are still unopened in her bathroom though

As i'm a hairdresser i colour and cut her hair for her and we have girly chats etc... but nothing strikes me as 'depressed' about her other than the state of her hygiene...

OP posts:

ImSoNotTelling · 16/11/2009 13:39

perinatal depression starts (obviously) during pregnancy and is a flag for PND as well.

She sounds depressed to me.

Can you offer some practical help?

whoisasking · 16/11/2009 13:40

So you just think she's lazy then?

posieparker · 16/11/2009 13:40

She's just lazy, YANBU. Someone needs to give her a kick up the arse.

Not all dirty people have depression ffs.

Igglybuff · 16/11/2009 13:43

This sounds like more than laziness. Surely something is wrong if you neglect yourself and your daughter in such a fashion. Laziness is washing every now and then not wearing the same top for months on end!!!

hellsbelles · 16/11/2009 13:44

Even if she's just being lazy she probably needs help getting herself back on track. Is that something you are prepared to help with? I thought AnyFule's suggestion was a good one.

Igglybuff · 16/11/2009 13:45

Laziness is not washing

DaisymooSteiner · 16/11/2009 13:45

I don't think YABU. You sound as though you've been a good friend to her. Lots of people would have just started avoiding her rather than try and help as you obviously would like to.

MitchyInge · 16/11/2009 13:45

she might not even know how bad it is, you can get so you are oblivious to it all

it might not be depression, it could equally be the negative symptoms of schizophrenia or it could be anxiety or a personality disorder or recurring bouts of hypomania or she might simply never have learned these skills in the first place

Original poster

MuddledMummy · 16/11/2009 13:47

I do think most of it may be pure laziness.

She has admitted she finds it a bit hard having her DS on her own, but she does spend a lot of time with her parents, being their for most meals etc... her DS's dad see's him a fair amount, and has him every other weekend. She has some time to be 'herself' and go out with friends and have a drink and let her hair down etc...

It honeslty isn't that often that i get invited round to hers, i always try and instigate that i'd bring my DC's while her DS is with his dad and we'd all help her blitz the house while she had some spare time... but she always say's she's busy, or will say she'll meet me half-way or whatever so to avoid me going... so it may be even worse than the last time i went...

OP posts:

ImSoNotTelling · 16/11/2009 13:49

So she's always been a bit of a scummer?

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