To think she's just down-right disgusting?...

[MuddledMummy]

I have a friend and she's very nice. We get on well... however she is really disgustingly dirty.

Not only with the cleanliness of her home which she shares with her 10mo DS, but in her own presonal hygiene too.

Whenever i've been to her house there has been empty take-away rubbish all over the kicthen/living room, dirty nappies all over the place, she always has tons of used sanitary products that really smell in her bathroom bin (as in all the time- like it's rarely emptied)...

As for her personal hygiene- she rarely changes her clothing, and as she's caked in make-up her tops alwasy have tons of it round the neckline... i've noticed she's been wearing the same top (mixture of 2 tops layered) since september- and as far as i'm aware it's not been washed... she's also starting to smell a bit, however she tries to cover it with deoderant and perfume.

Before anyone suggests it may be PND it started before she had her DS. Speaking to family members they feel the same as me but dont want to say anything as she has a very short temper and will instantly sulk like a 2yo!!

She's a young single mum but surely that doesn't give any reason to be like she is eiher? How do i approach the subject? Do i at all?

I'm getting more bothered recently as have seen her DS wearing the same jeans for the last few times i've seen him, and they still have the same food mark on them that i noticed the first time when i saw him i them.... which says to me that she's not washing his clothing either?...

I don't think it's shallow to be put off by someones house which you thought was minging. Why on earth would you want to go round with your children scrabbling about on a floor where you'd have to wipe your feet on the way out??

Most people don't look beyond that, I would personally, but not everyone does.

Pinkteddy, that was my first thought as her description of the house reminded me of a woman I dealt with several times who lived in a house in an absolute state. It was revolting and social services refused to take her 10 year old son away from her even though she had been convicted for drug dealing adn we kept on trying to get them to foster him; it later turned out that she was giving the son heroin and cocaine - she was imprisoned and hung herself.

So I agree that it's all very well complaining snidely about people being "judgey". Sometimes you need to be.

Rantagonist, that doesn't say much for 'most people' then.

You don't have to take your little ones to her house if you find it so objectionable. And she probably wouldn't appreciate you taking your little ones round, anyway.(I'm thinking here, relieving her of some of the burden, rather than adding to it.)

Sooty, I don't think the friend is the OPs responsibility, she doesn't owe her anything just because she's her friend. Nor does she have to put up with anything that's going either.

The OP can offer help, but if it's not taken up and the OP can't stand the rank smell wafting from the said friend, what else can she do? She can't make her.

Hi Rantagonist, I agree that she can't make her accept any offer of help and that OP is not responsible for her friend.

Assuming that she doesn't want/refuses 'help', that is her perogative (as long as child isn't suffering), and OP is her friend, I don't see the problem.

You accept and love your friends 'warts and all' - that's what friendship is.

But I couldn't possibly comment further without knowing more about the woman in question, tbh.

This has probably been said but i shall crack on anyway....

If she is in such a bad state as a friend, OP you should HELP her out. If she is so messy now she might just find it too daunting to start cleaning, no clean laundry, too daunting to fix? maybe?

Say to her you have noticed her flat is getting messier and would she like a hand to get it sorted out. I would want a friend to be honest with me and help me practically! Then help her. Clean the flat with her. Be her Aggie and Kim!

A messy house really does make any problems worse and so a fresh house may give her a fresh mind and help her out a bit.

wow- so calling the state of her house 'disgusting' says a lot about me then snooty? isn't that you making a judgment too?

As i have explained in previous posts i HAVE offered to help....

She's stayed at mine a few times (girls nights in etc) and i make sure i wash every last bit of clothing for her while she is here. I have asked if washing machine is working properly (passed it off as saw mark wondered if the washer wasn't working).. she said yes, looked at the mark and said 'oh must have worn these already, oops'...

I am 100% certain she's not on drugs- for starters she honestly wouldn't be able to afford it- i've helped with her fianances and have once taken her food shopping as she doesn't have a car and know she doesn't have too much spare cash- and the spare cash she does have she tends to spend when we go on our shopping trips etc... there's no way she could afford it.

I speak to her most days, and if i dont then i see her in person and i dont think she could have a drink problem.. as far as i know she only really drinks when her DS is at his dads.

From what i know her dad was very strict as a child and would make sure she was getting sufficient 'bathroom' time etc, but i've been told it would ahve to be 'forced upon her' for her to wash properly.

And I do think her parent have her there for most meals so they know she's eating properly and that her DS is getting good healthy meals... surely thats a good thing in her situation?

Anyhow, i spoke with her mum yesterday after posting this and we've decided we're going to try and get her to let us tidy her house. Her mum said she's tried in the past but been refused... i expect that if i can get a nice word in about us thinking she's letting her standards slip and it's not good for her DS then maybe she'll be on board.

I know I'm repeating myself, but good on you MuddledMumy And good luck!

Having her parents look after her daily needs even though she's a grown woman is probably not a good thing. Doing things for her that she should be doing for herself is fine and keeps things from getting too horrible in the short term, but it is not going to help her in the long run.

She doesn't do what's necessary for herself because she's never had any incentive or encouragement, or possibly experienced any real negative consequences for not doing the right thing. Rushing in and tidying up gets the place clean, but she will let it go again if she's not motivated to do it for herself from then on.

I think she needs counseling and an assessment for depression. If she's not depressed, then she's very immature and undisciplined -- you hint she spends her spare money and doesn't have a lot. Either she has impulse control issues or no self-discipline, self-confidence (from not being allowed the chance to learn competence at self care and neatness) or sense of personal responsibility, or she's depressed. But it sounds to me as if she's living, and being allowed to live, as if she were still a child. She doesn't like the feeling that she may be accountable to anyone (hence the sulking and strops), and this is very immature.

YANBU

Sorry but there is no excuse for neglecting your childrens basic needs - clean clothing and a clean comfortable home to live in - doesnt have to be a palace, and you dont need to lavish them with tons of clothing - maybe those jeans are all that fits her child right now - thats fine but she should keep her child clean - theres no excuse for that.