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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

ivf

68 replies

Cobblers · 15/11/2009 20:33

to want to tell my son that he is the result of ivf treatment? My dh doesn't see the point of telling him.
NB. DS is only 5 months old so it's clearly not a pressing matter.

OP posts:

InMyLittleHead · 15/11/2009 20:36

I don't really see why you would want to. But I wouldn't see any problem with telling him when he's old enough to understand what IVF is.

Think you're going to get a lot of on this one

spongebrainbigpants · 15/11/2009 20:37

No not at all - we will tell our son as soon as he's old enough (17 mths) as we think it's an important part of who he is and how he came to be.

Why is your dh against it? It's nothing to be ashamed of.

spongebrainbigpants · 15/11/2009 20:37

But why would you not want to?!

MrsHappy · 15/11/2009 20:38

Tricky one, because I don't think it makes much odds either way and children ask "where do babies come from?", not "where did I come from?". But on balance I think it is good to be honest with children so I probably would tell him if I were you.

Original poster

Cobblers · 15/11/2009 20:40

He just doesn't see the need to complicate things for him. I think it's because it'll lead to too many awkward(?) questions.

OP posts:

Caitni · 15/11/2009 20:49

Interesting one. I'm pregnant with my first through IVF and will definitely be telling him/her as and when it's appropriate. Hadn't actually thought about not telling him/her! We're not ashamed - in fact, we wanted him/her so much we went to great lengths to get them! - and I personally think it's more complicated for them to find out as adults and be shocked.

My DH has twin cousins in their early 20s conceived via IVF and they're perfectly well-adjusted and normal, and have known all their (conscious) life about their specific origins.

So YANBU in my book and I think your DH should give you a more valid reason than that!

Original poster

Cobblers · 15/11/2009 20:54

I would ask him but unfortunately we're not speaking at the moment (unrelated incident) even though he's sat next to me on the sofa.

OP posts:

spongebrainbigpants · 15/11/2009 20:55

Cobblers, I'm not really sure how it would complicate things or what awkward questions he would ask? In fact my dh thinks it's going to be loads easier to explain the very scientific conception of DS1 rather than the rather messier (i.e. natural!!) conception of DS2!

I had a child in my class a few years ago who was IVF conceived - she was 11 and v open about it. When we were doing sex ed she was v keen to tell her classmates about her more unusual conception and they were fascinated .

IVF is so common now, he'll probably have at least one classmate who is also IVF - and you really don't want him finding out by accident and thinking you've been lying to him.

spongebrainbigpants · 15/11/2009 20:56

Oops, x-posted - sorry to hear things are a little frosty in the cobblers household .

famishedass · 15/11/2009 20:58

Well I told mine they were IVF when they were about 9 or 10. Thing is, they really have to understand the mecanics of natural conception, before they can even begin to get their heads round an ivf conception.

I certainly don't feel that because my babies were conceived by IVF that I've got anything to hide or be ashamed of, why would anyone think that?

skidoodle · 15/11/2009 21:00

He will be especially glad to know this if he can also be allowed to believe that you guys have NEVER had sex.

That is the dream of all children.

Original poster

Cobblers · 15/11/2009 21:01

He's not ashamed at all. Just not too hot on the touchy feely side of life.

OP posts:

purplehighheels · 15/11/2009 21:01

Of course it's not unreasonable to tell them.

My IVf babies (7&4) know that most babies are made because mummies and daddies have a 'special cuddle', but that their mummy had a broken tummy so needed a doctor to help!

Every now and then one of them will ask a bit more about it, and they only take on board what they are ready for.

Congratulations on your baby boy x

spongebrainbigpants · 15/11/2009 21:03

Lol at skidoodle - exactly my dh's feelings!

Cobblers, think some of us just thought that was what you were alluding to (i.e. being ashamed) although it obviously isn't the issue - no worries about him not wanting to do the touchy feely stuff, but he could let you do it?

Fruitbeard · 15/11/2009 21:07

DD was IVF/ICSI, born by C-section.

Does this mean I never have to tell her about the ickier aspect of sex and childbirth?

(actually, she's already asked how she was born and DH took it upon himself to point out my scar and now she thinks that's how all babies come out from their mum's tums!)

I will have to disabuse her eventually but she's not 5 yet, it can wait a while...

Original poster

Cobblers · 15/11/2009 21:12

When we start speaking to each other again I'll ask him to explain in more detail just why he objects to our telling him. The atmosphere here is thawing slightly - mainly due to having spotted the username 'Mitchyinge'.

OP posts:

TheRedQueen · 15/11/2009 21:24

I have a DD who was born as the result of fertility treatment (although not IVF). I will definitely be telling her about this when she is ready, in great part because the particular problem which the treatment overcame is one which she may have inherited and could also affect her own fertility.

KiwiKat · 15/11/2009 21:27

We're really hoping that IVF will work for us - if it does, I'll take out a full page ad in The Times announcing the fact, and frame it for our much-longed-for LO.

Original poster

Cobblers · 15/11/2009 21:30

I think I may have sussed it. Although our infertility was 'unexplained' he thought it was because of his having just one testicle and a lowish sperm count. He may feel he will have to explain this to ds.

OP posts:

spongebrainbigpants · 15/11/2009 21:40

Ah, that makes more sense - probably no need to go in to that level of detail, in fact your ds will probably run a mile at hearing that kind of thing!

I have blocked tubes but kind of figure my DSs won't be that interested in knowing that!

Original poster

Cobblers · 15/11/2009 21:46

Good luck KiwiKat. What stage are you at?

OP posts:

ABetaDad · 15/11/2009 21:48

TBH if he feels that way I CAN understand perfectly why he does not want to talk about it. I would feel the same.

No man wants to talk about the fact he has fertility issues and the fact that he only has one testicle is probably something he feels very very sensitive about even if never expressed that feeling to you. He also obviously will not want to have to explain that to his DS. I would drop the issue now. I have no doubt this really is something that matters very deeply to DH and goes to the very core of his feelings about himself as a man.

It will make no difference to your DS by not knowing but your DH will be very hurt and will react angrily to you and especially your DS if he ever does ask his Dad about it.

Original poster

Cobblers · 15/11/2009 21:54

Thanks ABeta, I'd not really looked at it from that angle. I don't mind saying it was a problem with my tummy as Purple mentioned. Do you really think we should drop the whole thing and not mention it again?

OP posts:

KiwiKat · 15/11/2009 21:58

Thanks, Cobblers. We're just about to start, when AF arrives (although there's always the faint hope it may not) in two weeks, and bravado aside, I'm absolutely terrified.

Original poster

Cobblers · 15/11/2009 22:04

Just get your head down and get on with it.(said in a nice way). It's really tough and there were a few tears but it really is worth it. I'd do again in a heartbeat. Please let us know how you get on.

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