ivf

[Cobblers]

to want to tell my son that he is the result of ivf treatment? My dh doesn't see the point of telling him.
NB. DS is only 5 months old so it's clearly not a pressing matter.

Thinking about it more, surely telling them can only cause more upset for them. Because children aren't stupid, and even if you don't tell them all the facts, they have ways of finding these things out.

So they will find out that they were one of several embrios and that all the other embrios are essentially allowed to die; That more than one embrio is put back, thus meaning that they could have had a twin, but they don't.

No no no no no no no I would definitely not tell unless they absolutely needed to know.

But what if someone let it slip fitd? That's my issue with keeping it a secret from your child.

Like hidingidentity said, it's much better that you tell your children then them finding out another way.

I plan to tell my DS at some stage - starting off by just extending the idea of 'where babies come from' to include a bit about sometimes, even though a couple wants a baby very much, they need some help from doctors to have their baby.

When he asks about himself, I'll let him know that he is very special, we waited a long time for him to arrive and we needed some lovely doctors to help us.

Then, as he gets older, I'll answer his questions as honestly as I can, as and when he asks for more information.

I don't intend to go into an in depth discussion of my medical history, or the technical details of IVF until he is capable of both asking for, and fully understanding the information he is given.

Without the help of IVF we would not have our DS, and to withold this information seems to be trying to deny something which is intrinsic to who he is.

I'll be telling my 3. Acebabes does a picture book on the subject. Will be getting it to read very soon. My 3 are 6,6 and 5.

Why on earth wouldn't we tell them. It's how 2 of them came to be created. I'll tell dd the natural way that resulted in her so will/am telling the dtwins how they came to be too it's nothing to be ashamed of.

I had 3 frozen embryos put in only 2 made it. I don't think it'll upset my twins at all. My 3 are fascinated by everything scientific and I don't believe in shying away from difficult subjects with kids. Obviously I won't be telling them all the gory details but I've already told them we couldn't have children for a long time and some very nice clever doctors helped us to have the boys. DD thinks it's very romantic as several fairy tales have queens in who wait a long time to have a child. In fact they're all rather proud of the fact we had to battle to have them. DD said just last week"you really wanted us didn't you"

My 3 lost their great grandmother a couple of years ago and coped brilliantly,talk about her etc. Loosing an embryo isn't any worse for a child to deal with. Life is tough. As long as it's done on a child's level and sensitively I can see no reason not to.

Good grief. Some of you are desperate to make a big thing of it, aren't you? What's that about? Who benefits? I would argue that it takes a certain degree of maturity to be able to deal with it, tbh. Teenager is about right. We will see when we get there.

It never occurred to me to tell my child about the ivf. What possible advantage does this give him, and what possible disadvantage does he incur by not knowing? It is not a big part of his life story, it is a fucking huge part of MY life story, but incidental to his.

It's not about benefits.It's just fact. I think leaving it until teenage years is making more of it to be honest. I don't get the big deal about it.

Where is the need for maturity re a doctor putting an egg in a dish, mixing it with sperm,then putting it back ?

My lot are obsessed with their personal history/photo albums etc. How they came to be is just part of that. They're fascinated and already asking questions. I'm more than happy to answer.

Also my story had a happy ending why not celebrate that?Letting them know that I appreciate my good fortune is no bad thing imho.

The only disadvantage Prunerz is if someone says something to him one day - accidentally/maliciously/because they are getting dementia (am remembering how horribly indiscreet my gran was). And then it will be a big deal, whether you want it to be or not. If you haven't told anyone then I agree, there is no need to tell if you don't want to.

I also don't think it is incidental personally - I think it's amazing that you have a child that you wouldn't have had 30-40 years ago but I appreciate not everyone feels that way.

Imo people are making too big a thing about this. So what if someone tells the child. Do people really think that a child will be upset knowing they were conceived through ivf rather than naturally? Why would they if the outcome was the same?

As prunerz said it's a huge part of the parent's life, it's not a huge part of the child's.

'So what if someone tells?' Well if you feel like that, why not tell them?

The issue is (and I feel a bit silly saying this because it's so bleeding obvious) that if a child finds out their parents are withholding one 'truth' about them then they wonder what other 'truths' are out there that they don't know about themselves and that everyone else does. It can damage the child's relationship with their parents because they feel they can no longer trust them.

There is a lot of research around this subject as I and a number of other people have mentioned, nothing to do with 'making a big thing' of it.

Spicemonster that is a fair point, I do agree with that.

I don't have a child who is overly interested in it all, but if I did and he was asking questions, I certainly wouldn't withhold the information - I think it's sort of neutral iyswim.

What I didn't, and don't, get is the idea that it's somehow special and needs to be announced and celebrated. Which is how it seemed further down the thread.

Anyway, I am sorry for my tone, I was rude. Everyone does this differently and that's as it should be. Sorry.

No problem cobblers.

I actually agree with lots of posters on here that it isn't a big deal. You had unexplained infertility, and had IVF, and it worked, and then hurray, you have your DS! But I think that if your DS thinks that you've lied to him about it then it has the potential to become a big deal. I can remember being very hurt because I was kept out of a family secret that didn't actually have much to do with me. I would be much more miffed if it was to do with my own origins! And these things do have a habit of coming out in bizarre ways.

I also think that while our news about the donor is not going to be all positive, for example we know that our DCs have half-siblings that they will never meet, which could well be very strange for them, your news is good news. I think that I would have liked to have been an IVF baby as a child. It makes you special.

prunerz - we had counselling before we had treatment, to be sure that we had thought through all the implications of the treatment and we certain of our decision. And the way that you describe telling a child is exactly the way that is recommended. Not by making a big announcement, but by answering the child's questions honestly.

I cringe at the thought of having to do a sit-down-and-we-have-something-to-tell-you, so thank goodness it isn't the right way!

Bugger! I knew that I wasn't going to be able to get that formatting right!

Prunerz - I agree completely. I don't want a big celebration of my DS's origins either. I just want it to be something he's always known about himself so it's a bit 'so what'. So that he never feels ashamed or odd about himself basically.

And you weren't rude

This is one you take as it comes. It came up in conversation with DD when she was very very young, and she has always known that she was a "special" baby conceived through IVF. A friend of hers (they are now 10) was recently told that she was conceived this way - and her little face when DD told her that she was also an IVF baby was a picture. There are five children in DDs class who, to my knowledge, were conceived through assisted conception. They all consider themselves just a little bit special. Which they are. Its a fantastic medical achievement, and to be part of it is brilliant.

Interesting thread. Our DS is also a miracle IVF boy. I was fairly open about it with people. I actually had the treatment in Bangkok as we were living in Asia at the time so I told friends but not family. I just didn't want to have to deal with family sympathy on the phone if it didn't work. It did work and we went home for Xmas and told everyone.

I am sure we will tell DS. He hasn't asked about how babies are made yet but once we get to the questions bit and he looks horrified at the thought of us having sex I will explain about the IVF.

DH is adopted and always knew that (DS knows that too). I think being aware from an early age makes it less of a huge deal than sitting down and having a huge serious conversation at a certain age.

I am incredibly grateful to the whole science behind IVF and want DS to know more about it all. I do still look at him and marvel - I catch some close friends and relatives doing it too - at the fact that he was made in a petri dish in Bangkok.

In our case the fertility issues were DH's. Impotence and low-sperm count. DS has had testicle issues - had op to have one brought down and it is still very small so it is not beyond the realms of possibilty that he will have issues himself and I want him to know from an early age that fertility issues CAN be overcome and he is the result.

Very interesting to read the more recent posts.

We're not planning to make some massive deal about this which is precisely why we want to be open about it from early childhood as other posters have done. This isn't about us and our getting over our infertility, it's about being honest with a child so they don't find out from someone else and feel cheated out of the knowledge. I personally think some sort of big chat with a teenager, who's mortified of his/her parents anyway, to discuss their origins is making way more of a big deal of it.

Caitni, I completely agree. I think mentioning ivf from the start when having 'birds and bees' conversations means the child doesn't grow up thinking that there is only one way to get pregnant. Knowing there are alternative methods (albeit uncommon) means that the truth, when it eventually crops up, won't come as a surprise.