To think that I am NOT "too posh to push"!!!

[Jacksmama]

Brief history: DS born last Feb. Forceps delivery, massive tearing and blood loss and subsequent repair op this past Feb. It's left me with the occasional incontinence issue (see Sphincter Injury thread ).

Today, at work, a patient asks me "so when are you having another?

Me: "It's doubtful I will."

Pt: "Oh, you can't be that mean to him, he needs a sibling!"
(FFS!!!! Don't get me started on that, either!!)

Me: "He needs a living, healthy mother more."

Pt: "Well, often second babies fall right out, it'd be much easier than your first birth."

Me: (through gritted teeth) "I am probably not having another, but if I did, it would be a moot point as it would have to be a C-section."

Pt: "Oh no, you don't have to do that, really, second babies are so much easier!!"

Me: "I - Do - Not - Have - The - Option - Of - Any - More -Natural - Births."

Pt: "Oh well, if you're scared..."

Me: "Yes, I'd be bloody scared after what I've been through and so would you!!"

Pt: "Not me, I had four and I wasn't too posh to push."

I am so fcking angry I could scream. She has no idea. None. Fck, I'm so mad I could cry. Why do people make these judgments???

Morloth...I cracked up at the 'you've not really experienced childbirth thing...' What are people thinking when they say this shite???? Honestly!!!
My two are 15 months apart, and perfect strangers will ACTUALLY ask if I meant to do that. Strangers!!! What's the answer to a question like that?? 'No,actually, our daughter was an accident'??????????????
Why can't people just see two very cute, very close siblings, coo at them, and LEAVE it at that??!!!!

Come on!!!

I will be having a second CS and will not be able to breastfeed, both for very good reasons that I'd rather not go into. It's my business, and that's that. But, of course, I have already had funny looks when I've mentioned the CS. So from now on I will simply say both issues are 'for medical reasons' and leave it at that. Discussing your personal issues/history with people who don't know you well or care about you will only leave you upset as people can be very insensitive without meaning to or knowing the whole story.

She may have had 4 natural births, but you are obviously the nicer person.

I know which one I'd rather be.

Cocok - me too. Cs ans no b/f for very good reasons.

I chose to have an elective vs with ds. It was my choice, I had my own very personal, very private reasons which are no one elses business. I got called too posh to push all the time, and I probably will do again if I have another child, but my reasonings behind how I choose to give birth should be of no concern to anyone else.

I didn't breastfeed either, I couldn't for a physical reason. I was pushed and pushed by midwives to b/f and humiliated in the process (breasts exposed and pummled in the ward for everyone to see) - until they saw the physical reason why I could not. The nasty comments I recived for bottlefeeding in the early days used to reduce me to tears, I can never get over why how a baby is born/fed is of any concern to anyone but the babies parents.

Other women love to judge, I cannot bear it. There are always private reasons why people choose to do what they do in life, I wish people would think about that before unleasing hurtful comments upon each other.

Couldn't you distract her with some really evil health-related exclamation along the lines of "Oh Goodness, how long have you had this bump here?". Then obviously correct your "mistake" at some point when you feel she has suffered enough?

After my 1st c section I was shunned out of a mums group conversation as I 'hadn't actually given birth'. Made me feel crap!

Fuck me, what is wrong with some people? Would they rather you were dead?

Interesting that it seems to be mostly women who judge other women on birth, breastfeeding etc. Most men are wise enough to keep out of it, because at any male criticism of birth, all the divided factions of motherhood will turn round as one and destroy him.

Although I did once hear a guy saying he didn't think epidurals were really necessary, and his friend put a hand on his arm and said 'Mate, it's not worth your life'.

LMAO inmylittlehead...that last little bit was really funny!

I think women get judgemental because being a mum is so hard...it may just be that we have to make ourselves feel like what WE'VE chosen is okay, and it results in us trashing other people's decisions. Does that make sense? It's still not right, but I always tend to think that someone who starts talking with that air of superiority or all knowing condescendence is just really insecure.
I am absolutely and horribly guilty of being judgemental many times over, but I do recognise it, and am working really hard to listen better and to get that what I've done throughtout my kids' lives is what works for us, but isn't going to work for others.
Reading Jacksmama's initial post just reinforces that trying not to be judgemental is vital...as mothers, we should be rallying and supporting each other for doing this difficult and heartbreaking, but awesome and rewarding job...and there are questions that just AREN'T ever appropriate to ask!!

Sorry...this is a little off topic...I'm just feeling really annoyed at how women (in this reference) can be so hurtful and mean, and a little annoyed that I have probably been that way in the past.

InMyLittleHead - that guy's friend is so funny, and so right!

LOL at "it's not worth your life"! That's cheered me up.

The funniest thing is that while I was fuming and restraining myself from hurting her fantasizing about firing her as a patient, a little voice in my head said "I am SO posting this later, the MN Jury is going to flame her to cinders" .

BTW - does that happen to anyone else, when something funny/sad/grrr happens in Rl, you immediately think "I'll be putting this on MN later for a laugh/comfort/whatever"?

Um, only every second of the day Jacksmama

Oh good

YANBU! I think you were very controlled, I would have given her a verbal lashing if she had said such twaty inconsiderate crap to me. On your behalf.

YANBU. I had a similar injury to you. Whenever I told anyone that I was having an elective c-section with my second, lots of people liked to remind me that it'd take 6 weeks to recover. Obviously, they had no idea how long it takes to recover after a 4th degree tear and that the 'recovery' may only be partial.

(bit late but no, I missed that, you are pure evil)

Whooo I just read back and realized I missed a whole bunch of posts!

Thank you CheerfulYank - yes, would you mind popping up here and helping me knock that stupid woman on her fat arse? Much appreciated

And whoever wants to hug me - could use that too.

I heart you all, you've made me feel tons better.

As for not engaging about my personal life with patients - I try not to, and in fact, usually don't... but some people just don't know when they've crossed the line, and don't understand "mmmm, yes" or "well, we'll see". 99 per cent of my patients are lovely. It's just the one per cent...

i think this is a communication issue.

you could say either "i don't want to discuss my personal choices" or "It isn't medically possible"

And believe me, that (or something like it) is what I will say next time!! (I just ROFL'd at your post on the Style & Beauty thread Custardo - would love to be a fly on the wall when you and DH go lingerie shopping )

Just thought of another response:

Pt: 'Second babies often fall right out..'
You: 'What, like your brain?'

I hope she's an MNer and has read all our responses. BITCH.

Agree with Custardo above, as well as many others.

But also, I think it's worth considering being direct and saying 'Look, in my view you're being rude and overly personal about this. I'd like to leave it there'. Why should you have to change the subject, cunningly distract her etc, when it's her conversational ineptness that's the problem? Plus if people never get told when they're being rude/nosy, they'll never stop - I admit that for many people like this, they would never change anyway, but at least then you've put them straight...

BTW I knew from the get go I would need a CS with my baby as I have a v complicated medical history. Always said that and looked assertive about it though I never met anyone as rude as your patient! Don't let this stuff bother you. People don't know your circumstances and have no right to judge.

Gosh, feel sorry for you for such an insensitive woman sticking her nose into your business... I nearly ended up with emergency cs but just about didn't. Been told since by a 'friend' they were surprised I gave birth 'naturally' . She obviously had me down as being too posh to push... whatever that means. I have actually never met anyone who was genuinely having a cs because they didn't fancy pushing. It's all about having a healthy and alive baby and mother at the end of it and as far as I am concerned it is nobody's business how the baby got out!!
Hope you have calmed down a bit

Oh, and I also got the comment that I obviously was obviously a career woman because it took me eight years and many many mcs to finally have dd! That comment made me explode about as much as what that woman did to you!!!! People just have NO IDEA and should't give 'advice'

LeQueen I also had helpful comments that I should have tried to deliver my extended breech baby naturally.

I've personally never got my head around the oneupmanship over how you gave birth. I can understand to an extent the hoo hah over breastfeeding (but never to castigate ANYONE EVER over not choosing to do it) but I don't 'get' why how you underwent the process of giving birth frankly 'wins' a competition?

I once had a lady at the breastfeeding counsellor clinic I went to in Singapore suggest that my baby would be traumatised by not being squidged through my vagina. I suggested my baby was less traumatised by having all her limbs and head still on and no oxygen deprivation.

(Anecdote alert) A neighbour freebirthed her last child who was extended breech and it went so very wrong