To think that I am NOT "too posh to push"!!!

[Jacksmama]

Brief history: DS born last Feb. Forceps delivery, massive tearing and blood loss and subsequent repair op this past Feb. It's left me with the occasional incontinence issue (see Sphincter Injury thread ).

Today, at work, a patient asks me "so when are you having another?

Me: "It's doubtful I will."

Pt: "Oh, you can't be that mean to him, he needs a sibling!"
(FFS!!!! Don't get me started on that, either!!)

Me: "He needs a living, healthy mother more."

Pt: "Well, often second babies fall right out, it'd be much easier than your first birth."

Me: (through gritted teeth) "I am probably not having another, but if I did, it would be a moot point as it would have to be a C-section."

Pt: "Oh no, you don't have to do that, really, second babies are so much easier!!"

Me: "I - Do - Not - Have - The - Option - Of - Any - More -Natural - Births."

Pt: "Oh well, if you're scared..."

Me: "Yes, I'd be bloody scared after what I've been through and so would you!!"

Pt: "Not me, I had four and I wasn't too posh to push."

I am so fcking angry I could scream. She has no idea. None. Fck, I'm so mad I could cry. Why do people make these judgments???

What an evil wench. Hey, we're kind of neighbors...want me to come up there and slap her across the face for you? This thread has gotten me so that I'd do it! I'll say it for the billionth time: It. Is. Hard. Enough. Being. A. Mother. We do not need other mothers tearing us down for making our own choices for our own families.

Whoever said, "tell her that you'd rather have a C section than a funeral" has the best line so far I think.

And I love the name Jack btw.

I really do feel for you - it is the most unbelievably rude thing someone can do I think. and I've still never managed to swear at anyone....

I had 3 years of "oh, you can't let him be an only child", "oh, well you know it's a different pregnancy, different baby" "What about DH, it's his choice too" (my particular favourite, that). x100

Followed, on getting pg. a second time, by "wow, well done you for getting on with it!" (patronised, me?)"you'll see, it will be like falling off a log", "Oh no, you don't need a CS, now you've had one it will just pop right out"....x100

Post-partum for DS2, after shock, haematoma, sphincter issues... "See, there was nothing to worry about", "Aren't you lucky it was so quick", "Well, of course you'll have 3 won't you, 3's the new 2".... and of course on the reoccurrance of PND "well, it can't be that bad this time around, you're in your lovely new house".....
AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I really do feel for you - it is the most unbelievably rude thing someone can do I think. and I've still never managed to swear at anyone....

I had 3 years of "oh, you can't let him be an only child", "oh, well you know it's a different pregnancy, different baby" "What about DH, it's his choice too" (my particular favourite, that). x100

Followed, on getting pg. a second time, by "wow, well done you for getting on with it!" (patronised, me?)"you'll see, it will be like falling off a log", "Oh no, you don't need a CS, now you've had one it will just pop right out"....x100

Post-partum for DS2, after shock, haematoma, sphincter issues... "See, there was nothing to worry about", "Aren't you lucky it was so quick", "Well, of course you'll have 3 won't you, 3's the new 2".... and of course on the reoccurrance of PND "well, it can't be that bad this time around, you're in your lovely new house".....
AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

How rude!! I had a very easy labour with ds and I count myself incredibly lucky!! As should she!!

'Too posh to push'???? As if a cs is a walk in the park? It's major abdominal surgery ffs, not an easy option, like she was insinuating.

If I'd had a horrific labour like yours I'd definately be thinking about a cs, or just keeping ds an only child!! (Speaking of which- I am one and, bizarrely, have not turned out to be completely socially inept)

When I was pregnant with my daughter I lived in Asia and had private care and so I asked my ob/gyn if I could have a section as I had a phobia of birth stemming partly from a rape. I too had 'too posh to push comments' from my mother and others. But I ignored them. My ob/gyn was reluctant to agree so early in the pregnancy but took it on board. Some forums I had to leave as I got called a 'bitch' for letting the rape get in the way of natural birth.... yes, a bitch.

As the pregnancy progressed I changed my mind and although didn't especially obsess over exactly how I wanted to give birth, was able to relinquish my fears and face a natural birth. Cue many 'oh good, you're not being ridiculous now' comments.

As it happened, I had preeclampsia and a breech stargazing baby and had to have a section at 8 months. All went smoothly and was on my birthday, so quite celebratory. A bit weird, yes, but good to have got it done safely. Recovery was amazingly quick. Baby's agpar (even though she was only 5lb) was fab. We went home in 2 days.

I've had comments and sighs from breastfeeding counsellors I saw post birth that it 'must have been awful for me' and 'it's terrible Singaporean doctors can't manage breech births' and so on.

You know what? I am more concerned with my baby post-birth and breastfeeding and getting on with that than worrying about how I gave birth. It can turn into a fetish for some. I know feelings around birth are big and complicated (like with breastfeeding) but I think the weeks after birth just completely overshadow the actual birth (unless there were major issues there, trauma to mother or baby or some deep psychological impact)

I may be talking out of my arse but wanted to give you my experience as yes, it's fucking annoying to have well-meaning strangers get into your shit and imply you've not done something properly. And also make you have to rethink a horrible experience.

Hope you're ok and good luck.

you should have said "I don't wish to discuss it, but here is my consultant's number if you want to have this argument with him/her"
What an arrogant cow, thinking she knows better than you how you next birth would have to be!!

I just screamed when I read this post!!! I have been watching the arguments on the latest HB post...and now this one...WHY, WHY do we judge each other about every fucking thing that involves children??? Why can't we just birth the way that is the best for us, get help when we need it, and not be so fucking smug about things like where/how we gave birth, breastfeeding, working/staying home discipline and the lot. Jacksmama...I am SO very sorry about what that lady said to you. I have no idea who you even are, but what I want to do now is hug you tight, tell you how gorgeous your son is, and that I am SO happy you're HERE, able to vent about people who can't mind their own fucking business.
Grrrrr...isn't being a mum difficult enough?? Don't we all already make ourselves feel guilty about everything we do related to our kids???

Personally I'd never make such commetns as you never know what people who appear healthy and happy have experienced.

I;m in nooooooo ruch to have another baby, though in many ways I dream of a houseful. We were lucky: healthy pregnancy, healthy baby, relatively straightforward C-section after not progressing. However I bleed very heavily and had to go back into theatre, repeat the epidural process [very stressful as I was bleeding everywhere and terrified], then had fits in the nigt due to infection. When I though this 2 week nightmare was over and was at home struggling to breastfeed but relieved - I was told I had to go back into hospital as my staples wouldn;t come out.

I;d say the 3 weeks between that blissful first feed that then turned sour when I bled and was rushed back into surgery.... to the point where I could face looking at my wound without being sick and having flashbacks was the most traumatic of my life.

Seems like a huge price, even for such a reward.

Constant comments of 'you should have another' etc. I find boring them with a few snippents of post partem horror works well to silence them....

Very sorry for your experiences mums.

Makes you realise how precious our babies lives are and the true cost of human life.

It never ceases to amaze me how people feel so comfortable having an opinion on other people's reproductive choices.

Even if you were "to posh to push" how is that anyone else's business?

It's also worth bearing in mind that humans are special in how they give birth. No other mammal has quite the level of difficulty and we're forced to give birth earlier than we 'should' because we've compromised our set up in order to stand upright.

There are so many factors that can prevent an easy natural birth. And I think it sends an incorrect message that all women should expect a natural birth (they can aim for it, but simply expecting it into you're red in the face won't work). They can't. Nowadays we can step in with invasive measures, in the past we both could have died or been seriously injured.

This has occurred to me. I don't get any comments now and I wonder if it's to do with my exclusively breastfeeding for over a year - so I've cancelled out my 'rubbish medicalised birth' with 'breastfeeding over and above the call of duty' in the febrile world of the first-mum competition?

Not sure I like the idea of a patient getting inside your personal business! It's bad enough with friends and family.

Oh, and I (mostly, never say never though) plan on having only one child. How would your patient like that!

I too hate this competitive birthing thing that seems to go on.

After careful weighing up and extensive discussions with consultant/gp we're booked in for an elective cs soon. I tend to get in the "too posh to push" thing before others do and try and laugh it off. But I definitely have felt inferior by some of my friends/relatives who've had natural births. I hope some of it is in my imagination. I find myself justifying my decision A LOT.

One of my friends called me "lazy". She really didn't mean it but my goodness, I was surprised how much it hurt.

[hope my post didn;t seem competative!!!]

at lazy
and in fact anyone making any comment, especially a "friend", way to make you feel good

no matter what your circs, somebody will always say something annoying. Cos there seem to be a lot of annoying people out there, all running around saying annoying insensitive things!

fist of all I used to get 'why aren't you married like us from smug marrieds with cheap engagement rings and ugly husbands.

Then after I split up from him cos he was a wanker and I couldn't really say that at the time, I used to get "do they have the same Dad?".

MaggiePie "no matter what your circs, somebody will always say something annoying."

This is true, I once had someone comment that I hadn't really experienced childbirth because I used hypnobirthing and had a pain free labour.

It felt like childbirth and a kid came out of my fanjo, but apparently it doesn't count if it doesn't hurt!

i thought that a pain free CB was a myth, nice to know it can happen

4 sections and proud!

Took some practice with the hypnosis (and a large amount of luck - I suspect!) not to mention hips and pelvis the size of a continent, but yes it can work.

Got another baking, maybe shouldn't use it this time so can experience childbirth?

oh yes, there's nothing quite like a good bit of pain...[nostalgia]
congratulations!

complete sympathy jacksmamma. I had a patient try to quiz me on why I wasn't moving to the area I work in because its so lovely compared to where I live.

(truthful answer; not if you paid me to)

I find a very non committal "mmm" to be the best answer followed rapidly by a discussion on their health problems - or wonky back in your case.

Why patients feel they have a right to ask probing ad personal questions I do not know. Does anyone else get this from their clients?

DorisBonkers, that is horrendous. I'm glad you got the birth that was right for you. Tune out the white noise.

YANBU, I had a similar experience but I didn't need further surgery after (thankfully!!). I have been told that an elec c section is probably better the next time as if it happens again then damage could be much worse. Knowing now how loose my muscles can be, I wouldn't take the risk with a v birth, even though I would prefer not to have a c section.

After trying to be polite like you were, I would have told her in very graphic detail what happened and the results you are left with now! That probably would have shut her up! It made me really mad to read your post. Who the fuck does this cow think she is!!!! People that stick their noses in total strangers lives really fucking piss me off. I know it s different subject but my friend has twins and some people have actually said "what a shame" to her!!!! How fucking rude is that!