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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think if your 3 year old pulls your hair you should not do it back?

89 replies

nappyaddict · 08/11/2009 12:27

I know I know I shouldn't judge and it may have been a once in a blue moon thing and never ever happened before and will never ever happen again but the other day I was in Primark and a girl of roughly 3 years old was being carried around by her mum. The girl then pulled her mum's hair and her mum pulled her hair back and said "See, it hurts doesn't it."

Do lots of people do this and it is seen as acceptable because I've never seen it before?

OP posts:

2shoes · 08/11/2009 17:42

yabu

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 08/11/2009 17:51

Yanbu

I am shocked, tbh, at the amount of posters on this thread justifying biting or pulling hair as a legitimate method of demonstrating to their child that it is wrong to behave in the same way.
All it teaches is that it is only acceptable to bite/hit/pull hair of someone smaller and less powerful than you.

Same goes for forcing unpleasant things into a child's mouth. Would you not have found it more helpful to explain that fuck can be an offensive word that you would rather he didn't use?

Surprised at the attitudes on this thread. I'm with you, op, I would have judged too, if I'm honest.

islandofsodor · 08/11/2009 18:14

Yes I have done it, carefully controlled and not in a temper of course.

It worked.

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 08/11/2009 18:45

Not sure how 'carefully controlled' biting or hair pulling is different to physical punishment administered in temper. In some ways I think that premeditated, controlled physical punishment is more damaging.

TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 08/11/2009 18:49

Why do people walk round judging other people's parenting? I rush round with DS feeling stressed, whinging at him sometimes. Now I think everyone is thinking 'oh what a crap mum'. I love him to bits and do my best. I don't want people looking and judging. Lady in the OP probably doesn't want it either.

VengefulSinner · 08/11/2009 19:02

I don't agree that it teaches is that it is only acceptable to bite/hit/pull hair of someone smaller and less powerful than you at all.

I gave DS's hair a small, quick tug (NOT a pull mind) after he yanked my hair so bad that my head went back with force. He was about 2yrs old and going through a hair-pulling phase and nothing I did could stop it.

What I did showed him that he was hurting me and others and he soon stopped.

IMO there is a complete difference with demonstrating that the child is causing pain by doing what he/she is doing and repeating the action back out of spite or as punishment.

Feelingforty · 08/11/2009 19:06

It doesn't sound like a very nice to do, but I have done it to my DC.

DC1 thought it very funny to pull my hair & everytime I told her off, she giggled & continued to pull it. I don't think they realised that it hurts, that it's just a game to them.
By showing them that it is unpleasant (not a hard pull of course), stopped that 'game'.

Vallhala · 08/11/2009 19:15

Like Morloth, I've done it with both DC, and also bitten my DD when she repeatedly bit her baby sister despite all manner of attempts to tell her she mustn't.

It worked for me, I have no regrets about doing it whatsoever and wouldn't take kindly to being judged about my way of dealing with it.

Morloth · 08/11/2009 19:20

I don't think anyone is justifying MoreCrackThanHarlem, I know I'm not. Just saying that it worked and presumably this is why people have done it and will continue to.

I personally don't view the lesson that: If you hit/kick/bite/hurt someone then there is a good chance they will do it back to you, possibly with more force - a bad one to learn.

Seems like a lesson quite a few people could do with IME.

fernie3 · 08/11/2009 19:24

I havent done it myself but as long as it is only a token pull (for shock value) rather than yanking a clump of hair out I dont see it is a big problem its not exactly child abuse!

slowreadingprogress · 08/11/2009 19:46

it's a crap and thoughtless way to deal with a child. It's perfectly possible to deal with this without acting like a two year old yourself.

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 08/11/2009 19:58

Plenty of posters are justifying it as a legitimate and successful deterent, Morloth.

Agree with slowreadingprogress' post. Lazy and simplistic.

maxpower · 08/11/2009 20:04

Not read all the posts, but I've done it. My LO went through a phase of hair pulling (mine) and if she carried on after being given a clear telling off and warning, I did pull hers (gently). It's difficult to comment on what nappyaddict saw as we don't know what led up to it.

wideratthehips · 08/11/2009 20:13

If you don't want your child to pull peoples hair why would you do it to a child to show them that its not nice behaviour?

i just don't understand this style of parenting....like biting back a child who has bitten you....like the parents who say no more biscuits but stand in the kitchen scoffing them, if you have rules they should be relevant to all

jybay · 08/11/2009 20:14

Agree with feelingforty - if you bite or pull hair just enough to show that it unpleasant and not a game, that is different from retaliating hard enough to cause real pain or punish.

Am and about a child being forced to eat mustard though. A seven year old probably knows f* is a naughty word but so are "bottom" and "poo-poo" when you are seven. He has offended adult sensibilities, that is all. I think it's absolutely appalling and Dickensian to do something as invasive as forcing mustard into his mouth. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Morloth · 08/11/2009 20:17

"Lazy and simplistic" = ideal in our house.

Also known as "quick and effective".

Anyway, off to watch those pretty Supernatural boys and to do the bloody ironing.

Try not to bite each other while I am away.

wideratthehips · 08/11/2009 20:20

oh my god..i feel really upset about the poor child forced to eat mustard will be asking my friends what they think of that so i can get a broader view...but i got that plummeting feeling in my stomach. Sounds absolutely awful

Booyhoo · 08/11/2009 20:28

interesting though that all those that have said they bit or pulled their child's hair also say their child never did it again.

seems like lesson learned IMO.

all those who didnt bite back/pull hair, how did you get your child to stop?

Janos · 08/11/2009 20:37

I've just seen this thread.

Very shocked by the poster who forced their child to eat mustard. That is incredibly cruel nikkid21. You should be thoroughly ashamed of yourself but I imagine you aren't - otherwise you wouldn't have posted here.

Absolutely appalling and hateful behaviour from a supposedly mature 'adult'.

My god, my parenting is far from perfect but that is truly disgusting.

PavlovtheForgetfulCat · 08/11/2009 20:41

Ok to pull a child's hair though, that is really adult behaviour.

Janos · 08/11/2009 20:52

God no I don't agree with that either Pavlov

I've never seen it myself and have never done it either.

My son went through a bit a biting stage and I never even considered it would be appropriate to bit him back. He's never been a hair puller thankfully so that wasn't an issue. Can't quite get my head around how an adult would think this was a good idea?

Janos · 08/11/2009 20:54

I can just about understand an adult hair pulling or biting from shock or temper (although I have never done it myself) but to calculatedly force a child to eat mustard goes a step beyond that I think.

I stand by what I said - truly vile.

hester · 08/11/2009 20:58

YANBU.

This thread is bizarre.

kitty09 · 08/11/2009 21:15

I don't agree with doing anything that anyway harms a child. Have always given time out and tried to talk with my kids, seems to be working so far so good. But I also undersdtand that no one can judge unless they have been in the same situation as the other person. So I will not judge but disagree.

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 08/11/2009 21:17

I agree that this is a bizarre thread.

Think it's a good example of how contrary mn can be though, I expect the replies would have been very different if the op had been 'aibu to pull my child's hair?'
Some people are so desperate to be non judgemental that they allow themselves to become laissez faire about behaviour which is at best thoughtless, and at worst idiotic and cruel.

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