to think that 5 is too young for after-school playdates?

[Pendulum]

I'm not talking about meeting up with ol, "known them since 6 months old" friends, but rather about "DD seems to be making a new friend at school, better have them over to play" occasions.

Left to my own devices it wouldn't have occurred to me to start these so early, but DD has been invited to other people's houses a number of times so naturally I have invited these children back.

On almost every occasion the child and DD have disagreed over what to play with and retreated to different parts of the house, leaving me to flit between them giving DD swift kicks up the backside pep talks about how to behave with guests, and jollying along the friend (usually a virtual stranger) so she doesn't get too freaked out. I often get the feeling that DD would actually prefer to be on her own although she claims not to want the friend to leave at the end.

So -AIBU to think that they are a bit young for this type of socialising, especially after school when they are tired? I wonder how many of us are doing it so that our DCs don't get left out, rather than because they actually enjoy these occasions.

Aha that's it- maybe I should rename the thread

AIBU.. to be a grumpy ole cow who hates playdates?

Poor DD, I should leave her on the doorstep of another mum's house and hope they take her in.

Pendulum - someone actually did that to us once.

We invited them for tea with their child. They turned up, announced on the doorstep they would rather go to look at a few cars to buy rather than come in for tea, pushed the child into our house and walked away.

They did not even leave a phone number in case of emergencies. Came back 3 hours later. Nice middle class family by the way.

I hate the term playdates sounds so formal, in my days i was brought up in the 1800s1980's there was no such thing, just used to be children coming round to each others houses and really relaxed. Gosh i am glad that i am not a child in this ridgid safety conscious society.

I agree with ABetaDad. In my experience at least it's got nothing to do with the children wanting it (though they do at some point, after sometime of doing it), but with the parents putting in the idea and encouraging it.

I loathe it too. I do not enjoy other people's children. I prefer them with the parents around.

no 5 isnt too young, ,when at nursery dc (nearly 7 now) had play dates after nursery and was nearly 4

we prob have at least one play date a week, i try and get 2 friends over, one for 4yr and one for 7yr as easier to have a friend each

Herecomesthesciencebint - totally agree wit your points 1 - 5 and no you are not miserable.

megapixels - totally agree with you too. I know its is the parents who are encouraging the invites. We are currently under a concerted attack from this particular angle.

Another one here who wants to vomit when hearing the term 'playdate'!

YABU to think it is too young for all children.

It may not be right for your child, but for many others it is fine.

DD (now 7y) started school at 4y5m and started playdates, both at home and at other people's houses within the first weeks. She loved it both ways and has always had a great time. No real arguements or anything, certainly nothing major. At most maybe a quick fall out over what to play initially and then sorted within a minute at most.

DD really did, and still does, enjoy play dates with friends. So for us - 5 (or even 4) was not too young.

Agree that term playdate is not great though. Have to admit I do use it on MN as itis a quick and easy term which people know what it means. Have never used it in RL and never heard others use it in RL.

Oh - and I have always left them to their own devices. That, for me, wa the key thing about playdates and is now. It means DD goes off and plays with her friend, leaving me to my own devices to do what I want for a little while.

DW is a total coward on this issue.

She sent me to pick up and drop off DSs in the week before half term as the invites seem to come in thck and fast just before holidays. She says 'mothers will never approach a man to ask for a playdate so you have to go'.

I am new to all this 'playdate' mularkey and dont really understand the etiquette. ds started a new nursery recently and has been invited to a playdate twice now - first one I asked if we could go to the park as he really needs to let off steam after nursery. felt a bit odd being with ds friend (never met him before) and his mum, a total stranger. I had to make loads of effort to make polite conversation when I just wanted to chill (they were very nice though). second date was at another of ds's friends (beautiful) house and I spent the whole time trying to prevent him spilling his drink, asking him not to jump on the sofa (through gritted teeth/clenched smile)and to share nicely etc etc - I found the whole thing exhausting! and this is before anyone even gets to our place!
It seems to be the 'done' things these days though and as my ds was quite shy I am going to grit my teeth and get on with it for his sake. have heard that children actually get left alone with you - not sure I'd leave my ds at this age mostly because I think he may be hard work for someone else to look after!

I think "having a friend to tea" is fine. Get them collected by 6, and only do it every other week.
Why all the grief?
I actually prefer not to have the parent around (so I can be a bit shouty) I mean, impose my own rules.
Also you then can get on with your own stuff like Mumsnetting for instance, instead of making polite conversation.

I think it's too young for many children. At five they are often tired and grumpy after school. I never used to mind inviting another mum in for a cup of coffee after school with their child, but I don't really enjoy entertaining other people's children on my own. When they are a bit bigger and need less intervention etc in their arguments games, ssy seven or eight, then I would be more comfortable with it.

I refuse to call it a playdate too [shudder]

oneofakind - the deal is you are supposed to leave them. Not go with them. Then you are supposed to invite them back. It free child care ad you have to be careful not to get taken advantage of.

As a new parent you will be easy meat for the more experienced operators. Some parents are really calculated in placing their strategic invites and you will end up looking after kids every day of the holidays if you are not careful.

The first time they go for a playdate with someone new, I find they always get a bit overexcited and noisy. I find it is best to get some food in them as soon as possible. Behaviour and playing always better after tea than before!

He'll be better next time..esp if you read him the riot act about behaving or going home. You might even be able to get an hour to yourself

I have never done the going with DD on a "playdate." Started going on her own just after starting school. Parent will often pop in for a quick coffee and chat at picking up time (between 6-6:30pm here) but that is it.

Totally agree with you BitOfFun, I also think that "playdate" is a terrible word and that at this age they are too young.

DS1 (nearly 5) is so tired and grumpy after school I wouldn't dream of arranging him to see friends, either here or at their house, it's enough of a struggle to get him home and fed without a tantrum or three...

I also think that looking after 2 lively/stroppy young boys of 4 and 2 is enough for me, can't say I'd be mad keen to have any more kids in the house.

I love playdates, DS is an only (for now) and having someone else over means they head up to his room and I don't hear from them for a couple of hours.

Is bliss.

plydate is a bit naff,but sums up the situation easily on mn

i say to mums would xxxx like to come for a play/tea next week etc

all depends on child, whether to do playdates or not

some children are ready, just like some are ready for school at 4, and others not till nearly 5 - just depends when their birthday is

When DS1 started school there was a definite culture of inviting people over all the time - I absolutely hated it. DS1 just couldn't handle it - tired after school all day, and a bit of a difficult child too! I kept persisting as I thought it would do him good and he would improve, but it just caused me immense stress!

I am also not too good with other people's children, and was desperate for us not to upset them. Plus had 2 other little ones to look after.

Anyway, I stopped doing it - just couldn't be involved in it anymore. What a relief! Now DS2 is at school I am biding my time until I start inviting friends over - he is a different type of child, but not going to rush into anything!

My point is, I think, all children are different - with some it is a breeze at that age, others just struggle with it.

PS also detest the word 'playdate'!

OK great, it is not just me then!

Sorry about using the "P" word, I don't call it that in RL, just using it as shorthand. I think it is helpful for making the distinction I made in the OP (i.e. not the usual popping in by old friends but the social engineering occasions).