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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think the world of my friend but wish she would do something about her dc's behaviour?

105 replies

bibbitybobbityhat · 05/11/2009 16:14

This is a mum friend at school. She has a dd in my dd's class. We have been friends for about 4 years.

I like her a lot BUT her children are just not nice to be around (sorry). She is spectacularly bad at correcting behaviour that any reasonable person would think unacceptable. Atm I need to speak to her quickly most days after school but, during this conversation, her children will interrupt, pull on her sleeve, moan and whine ... and she ALWAYS stops what she is saying to me and responds to the child, usually with "sorry darling" etc.

Today her eldest dd (8 y/o) just baldly said "Mum, I'm bored, I want to go" and so we had to end our conversation so that she could scuttle off home.

What is wrong with saying to your child "I just need to speak to bibbity for two minutes, please be patient and don't interrupt again".

I am going to have to start texting her about things cos I nearly snapped at her dd today and it really wound me up .

OP posts:
Fabster · 05/11/2009 17:33

Mine wanted to go yesterday when I was talking to another mum and I told him that he could wait 2 minutes while I spoke to x. I had already had time with him and he just wanted to go home rather than talk to me. In that situation I would interrupt my conversation to talk to him as then it is done or otherwise it just carries on. This might have been the only person I spoke too all day so I amgrateful make the most of it.

Original poster
bibbitybobbityhat · 05/11/2009 17:34

Right, lets forget we're in the playground now if we can for a moment. Do you think that children who interrupt other people when they are having a conversation should be reminded that this is not polite behaviour?

OP posts:
girlywhirly · 05/11/2009 17:36

If you are gossiping, I'd say yabu. If you are imparting important info taking 2 mins tops, the friend is. I'd be inclined to talk to her by another means if you dislike her kids so much. But it does seem as though her dd could do with learning a few manners. After all, she wouldn't interrupt a teacher like that!

Morloth · 05/11/2009 17:37

Yes, but clearly your friend doesn't. So either continue getting annoyed or text/phone her later.

TracyK · 05/11/2009 17:37

...or - imagine you had been working hard ALL day, were starving and thirsty and grumpy and your dh comes to pick you up. He then proceeds to talk about football to a mate and keeps you waiting - would you not be whingey too?

Original poster
bibbitybobbityhat · 05/11/2009 17:39

Morloth, you are being a leetel bit bitchy here I think?

If said friend did not want to talk to me, why would she keep seeking me out to start a conversation?

OP posts:
Francasaysrelax · 05/11/2009 17:39

I think it's perfectly reasonable to tell an 8 yr old child to wait 1 minute before you finish a conversation.

It all depends on the age of the child, I suppose.

I pick up my dc everyday at school, greet them with a kiss, but I can't see why I can't finish a 2 minute convo with another parent (also because we mostly speak of what's been going on at school). ANd the children tend to play with each other in the playground.

Original poster
bibbitybobbityhat · 05/11/2009 17:40

Tracy - no, I think I can safely say I would not whinge for a few minutes .

OP posts:
pointydogg · 05/11/2009 17:42

school pick up times are not parent-child times and they are not adult-social times.

They are whatever each family makes of them depending on the individuals' own subtle expectations.

I'd expect my children to tell me what they expected (in provate) while behaving mannerly at the time.

Bibb, your friend seems to have set expectations that after school is family and home time so you should try phoning her in the evening.

thisisyesterday · 05/11/2009 17:42

ok oh, is this going to turn into one of those "hmm peolpe aren't agreeing with me so i'll add more info/change story" ??

cos, in the opyou say that at the moment you need to chat to her quickly mostdays after school

now you say she seeks you out to start a conversation

which is it? and why can't you phone her?

if the child comes and asks to go home what do you expect her to do? just ignore her completely? No, she shoudl acknowledge her daughter. and what's wrong with saying "sorry darling"? it's the kind of thing i would say

"sorry darling, mummy is talking right now but i'll be there in a moment"

AliGrylls · 05/11/2009 17:44

Bibbity, I certainly have no intention of being cheeky but I would like to know how you stop your children from pulling at your sleeve?

I don't have school age children ATM (in fact I have one baby) - but how do you control a child that is probably excited to see his mother?

Morloth · 05/11/2009 17:44

Nope, not bitchy.

If she really wanted to talk to you she would. She obviously thinks she should talk to the kids instead.

It doesn't matter what we (or you) think is the right thing to do.

Why continue being annoyed when she probably isn't going to change, just talk to her at another time.

thisisyesterday · 05/11/2009 17:44

there seems to be this real expectation in this culture that adults come first and kids can put up with it.
what is so wrong with this mother putting her child's needs ahead of yours?

maye the kid was rude, maybe not, i wasn't there so i can't judge, but i don't think it's that rude to get your mothers attention and inform her that you're bored and would really like to go home now

Original poster
bibbitybobbityhat · 05/11/2009 17:46

Sorry, what is contradictory?

We do need to chat most days after school at the moment, just to exchange a couple of bits of info on where we are with this event we are working on together. Usually it is she who comes to find me, she usually picks up her younger dd before I pick up my younger ds.

OP posts:
coffeeholic · 05/11/2009 17:47

Of course you don't ignore your child. Equally you don't respond to your child and ignore your friend.

AlaskaNebraska · 05/11/2009 17:48

god i hate interrrupting from OLDER kids,
my ds2 does it a lot

pointydogg · 05/11/2009 17:48

I don't think updating each other on event organisation could beb done that well at the school gate.

I'd phone.

AlaskaNebraska · 05/11/2009 17:48

this is after the kid has said Hi isnt it?

TracyK · 05/11/2009 17:51

I can't afford to ignore ds after school - the pickup is on the pavement (very crowded with other parents) - so if I ignored him - he'd be off playing with other kids on the road!

thisisyesterday · 05/11/2009 17:51

b ut coffee, she isn't ignoring the op is she? she is just interrupting her for a moment, to speak to her chidlren, i fail to see what is so wrong with that?
if i had bored, tired hungry kids pulling at my sleeves i'd take them home too

i still don't see why the OP can'tjust ring thiswoman if it's so important to chat to her every single day

Original poster
bibbitybobbityhat · 05/11/2009 17:52

Ali, of course my dc pull at my sleeve. Of course I say hello, kiss, how was your day? If they say they are bored and want to go home, I say "please wait just a minute, I need to speak to friend about something important, I wont be long" and then they leave me alone and talk to each other or talk to the other kids milling around. Friend allows herself to be physically dragged off by her children.

Yes, I think adults should come first sometimes and children should put up with it. Call me old fashioned!

OP posts:
girlywhirly · 05/11/2009 17:52

Well, if the friend is starting the convo and then allowing the chidren to interrupt,you won't get anywhere with your planning cos she won't be paying attention! Tell her you would prefer to talk another time when you can concentrate without distraction. And let the friendship take a back burner....

And yes, I think DCs should learn not to interrupt without good reason. After all, you might be talking about something to their advantage!

pointydogg · 05/11/2009 17:53

I'd expect a 6 and 8 year old to wait for a short time without kicking up a fuss

coffeeholic · 05/11/2009 17:56

yesterday; I took it that that the friend wasn't saying "sorry darling, mummy's just talking", she was allowing the conversation to be interuppted and not returning to it

fartmeistergeneral · 05/11/2009 17:58

I guess I would say 'just a second til I finish talking to whoever' to my 8 yo. However, they don't sound the worst children in the world. Just typical children. 6 and 8 is still young. Of course they get bored easily and children just say what they feel. To say 'I'm bored I want to go home' just sounds normal to me. If you think that's rude, glad you are never round my house !