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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to just lie to my mum?

53 replies

Booooooooooyhoo · 03/11/2009 23:22

i probably am and i know you lovely ladies will come up with some great alternatives but it really seems the easiest option.

story: OH (navy) is due home in just over 2 weeks after being away since ds2 was 11 days old (6 months ago). so mum (midwife, dunno if thats relevant or not) said brought home a load of leaflets on different contraception a few weeks ago. Oh and i had already decided to use persona and condoms for a few reasons. i dont want to take anything that will affect my hormones especially as OH will only be home every other weekend at most from jan. i get really bad mood swings and dont want to make them worse. the thing is, my mum wouldnt even consider persona and condoms (when ovulating) to be contraception. so she spoke on my behalf to a friend of hers and has decided for me that i should get the mirena coil. all this without discussing it with me. so now she is pressuring me to go and get it and saying im leaving it too late, and i just feel like telling her to p*ss right off and mind her bloody business. of course i would never do that. but if i did tell her that actually i'm not getting the coild, she wouldnt let it drop, i know she wouldnt. so would it be unreasonable to tell her ive got it when i havent?

OP posts:
honeybehappy · 03/11/2009 23:25

Tell her to mind her own business and yes lie to get her off your back.

mazzystartled · 03/11/2009 23:26

But it IS NONE of her business.

Tell her to butt out!

MyCatIsABiggerBastardThanYours · 03/11/2009 23:27

Why can't you tell her to butt out (politely of course).

That's what I would do anyway. Not much advice there, sorry.

displayuntilbestbefore · 03/11/2009 23:27

why is your mother involved in your contraception decisions?

MinkyBorage · 03/11/2009 23:29

uh, are you joking? it has nothing to do with her whatsoever, it makes no difference whether you tell her to mind her nose, or lie to her. of course yanbu, well you sort of are by even imagining that you need to

tulpe · 03/11/2009 23:32

It is none of her business. Do exactly what YOU want to do. Yes, you are still her child but you are an adult and can make your own decisions. Tell her, politely, that whilst you appreciate her input the final decision rests with you and OH.

Original poster
Booooooooooyhoo · 03/11/2009 23:34

i know, it is a totally ridiculous situation. but this is one she will not give up on, i know her. she doesnt trust me to take responsibilty for it myself. well tbh ds2 wasnt planned but, i am an adult and can take charge of my own contraceptive choices.

it just would make things sooo much easier if she thought i had the coil. she would rest easy, i wouldnt have to listen to her.

she is an interfering bat in other circumstances too, its not just this.

OP posts:
jemart · 03/11/2009 23:44

Wow, I'd be quite speechless if my Mum tried to do this to me.
Not good to lie to her though as it could come back to bite you later. Better to just tell her straight that you know she means well but you don't want her help with this.

Original poster
Booooooooooyhoo · 03/11/2009 23:47

i know jemart, i should just tell her straight but its one of those rows that isnt worth having because it wont settle anything, she'll still think i'm wrong and wont let it drop, and i will start doubting myself and get all stressed out.

OP posts:
JustAnotherManicMummy · 04/11/2009 00:01

I would enquire about what sort of HRT she is using as it is obviously affecting her judgement about what is socially acceptable...

Although FWIW I used Persona and condoms. The result is currently sitting wide awake in his bouncy chair shouting "dad, dad, dad" at me (whilst his dad sleeps upstair ).

My DM also thinks I should Mirena, and maybe I will one day, but I think I'd like another baby in the next couple of years so don't think I'm ready yet.

purpleduck · 04/11/2009 00:01

Tell her you only take it up the bum

TheCrackFox · 04/11/2009 00:03

Purpleduck - ROFL.

Original poster
Booooooooooyhoo · 04/11/2009 00:16

lol purpleduck

dont think that would float somehow. might shut her up though.

justanother we would like more children within the next couple of years aswell.

OP posts:
JustAnotherManicMummy · 04/11/2009 00:49

Well the Mirena is recommended for people who want a medium term contraceptive as it goes in for 5 years so perhaps taking that angle would shut your mum up?

I wouldn't get into the Persona debate with her (the reason being that it is only about 90% effective as I can testify ). I'd say "we're using a barrier method and we're happy with it thank you very much". Possibly adding "and if you wish to discuss this with DH I suggest you telephone him"

megapixels · 04/11/2009 00:57

How ridiculous. I am close to my mother but I would never, ever discuss my contraception strategy with her! Why did you even go down that path??

Tell her that you'll "be taking appropriate precautions" and leave it at that .

Original poster
Booooooooooyhoo · 04/11/2009 01:14

mega, i didnt, she is just THAT interfering that she took it upon herself to acquire the leaflets and speak to her friend.

believe me, i never would chose to have this conversation with her.

OP posts:
dittany · 04/11/2009 01:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Booooooooooyhoo · 04/11/2009 01:30

totally agree dittany, you are right.

but its a case of 'picking my battles' and this just isnt the one that i'll win. as much as i refused to discuss it, she would stil bring it up and i would get really cross and probably fall out with her, and i dont want that to happen.

OP posts:
piprabbit · 04/11/2009 01:34

My Mum chose to discuss the details of my breastfeeding with one of her HCP friends.

I was furious and stewed about it for a couple of days, it was my business and I wanted to be able to talk to my Mum without it becoming public knowledge.

In the end I hoiked up my courage and told my Mum I was sad and disappointed that she had discussed something I had talked to her about privately mother to daughter. It was a hard conversation and there were some tears, but I'm very glad we talked about it as she now tends to listen to me talk things through instead of whizzing off to solve my problems for me.

I'd recommend telling your mum to back off as this decision is private and between you and DP.

dittany · 04/11/2009 01:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Booooooooooyhoo · 04/11/2009 01:42

we have only really started getting on in the last few years, i rocked the boat alot in the last year with the news that OH and i were back together and then pregnant, ive just noticed things sliding again to how it was before and i really dont want to there. it would feel like adding more water to a sinking ship.

OP posts:
ParanoidAtAllTimes · 04/11/2009 05:17

Wow, it sounds like she is extremely controlling. My mother is controlling too (although not to the extent of instructing me about contraception!) and in the end, to break free of the cycle we were in, I had to stand up to her. It was pretty nasty and we did fall out but now have a much more balanced relationship. She still tries to tell me what to do sometimes but will back off when I tell her to.

However, like you say you need to pick your battles. If now really isn't the time (although when is?) then lie to her for an easy life. If she does find out you lied then that would be the time to confront her controlling nature. ("see what you drove me to?!")

gobsmackedetal · 04/11/2009 07:32

Do you live with your mum? If not, you really don't have to see her often enough for her to interfere, right? Or do you rely on her for childcare or something similar?

I'm only trying to understand the dynamics of this relationship

herbietea · 04/11/2009 07:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

gingerbreadlatte · 04/11/2009 08:34

Wow, Im shocked at this, it must be very hard for you.

I'd agree, lie to get her off your back. I think the fact she is a MW is relevant. MWs are sometimes used to having frank discussions with women about contraception.

YANBU