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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to just lie to my mum?

53 replies

Booooooooooyhoo · 03/11/2009 23:22

i probably am and i know you lovely ladies will come up with some great alternatives but it really seems the easiest option.

story: OH (navy) is due home in just over 2 weeks after being away since ds2 was 11 days old (6 months ago). so mum (midwife, dunno if thats relevant or not) said brought home a load of leaflets on different contraception a few weeks ago. Oh and i had already decided to use persona and condoms for a few reasons. i dont want to take anything that will affect my hormones especially as OH will only be home every other weekend at most from jan. i get really bad mood swings and dont want to make them worse. the thing is, my mum wouldnt even consider persona and condoms (when ovulating) to be contraception. so she spoke on my behalf to a friend of hers and has decided for me that i should get the mirena coil. all this without discussing it with me. so now she is pressuring me to go and get it and saying im leaving it too late, and i just feel like telling her to p*ss right off and mind her bloody business. of course i would never do that. but if i did tell her that actually i'm not getting the coild, she wouldnt let it drop, i know she wouldnt. so would it be unreasonable to tell her ive got it when i havent?

OP posts:
Longtalljosie · 04/11/2009 08:42

I think lying would be entirely reasonable in the circumstances.

But if you're feeling up to it, say "I did have a good think about the coil, but after talking it over with my health visitor / GP / OH decided against it".

I do talk about things like contraception with my mum, but she would never raise the subject herself, IYSWIM.

diddl · 04/11/2009 08:47

Think I would be tempted to lie also.

I would be really with her for discussing it with others also.

Why is she treating you like a child?

Firawla · 04/11/2009 09:17

dont lie to her just tell her to mind her own business and that you are capable of sorting out these things by yourself. she does not need to know what methods you use, its between u and dh

Stripycat23 · 04/11/2009 09:27

Haaaahahhaaahaha, still snorting with laughter over some of these posts.

WTF Booooooooooyhoo! It's your body hon, agree with the "tell her to mind her own business" posts. Although tempted to say give purpleduck's advice a try. (growing devil horns as I write)

Original poster
Booooooooooyhoo · 04/11/2009 11:15

no dont live with her, i only see her on sundays, we dont talk on the phone or anything.

you know those people that will argue black was white even if they had something black right there infront of them, simply because its what they have decided to believe. well thats her. i could line 100 women infront of her and get them to tell her their side effects, she would still be able to explain why it happened for them but wouldnt for me.

its just that simple, she's so sure that her way is the way.

i think i'll just tell her that she's overstepped the mark and that its nothing to do with her, but not go into what i have decided to use. therefore not giving her opportunity to ridicule my reasoning. which she would and then make me feel about ten.

she does very much still think im a teenager incapable of making a responsible decision.

OP posts:
hanaflower · 04/11/2009 11:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thatsnotmymonster · 04/11/2009 11:20

If you are close enough to your mum for her to be making decisions about your contraception I think you are close enough just to say mind your own business!

However, I think I would quite happily lie to my mum in this situation

Quite frankly I was that your mum was so interfering on this issue!!!

LoveBeingAMummy · 04/11/2009 11:28

If you are looking for a lie then just say you went to discuss it with your GP and he said it wasn't suitable for you and suggested you use Persona and condoms.

Maybe you should be more worried about the bigger picture, if you really feel you're gonna fall out again with your mum soon then it might be better to be honest. She is trying to help in her own way, afterall you did say ds2 wasn't planned, and then your saying you can sort it out yourself iyswim.

You are going to either have to lie, OR stop accepting her trying you as a child and give her the grown up answer of thanks for your concern and advice however dp and I will decide.

CoffeeMum · 04/11/2009 11:29

Um, the only way this is potentially any of her business, is if you've come to her for an excessive amount of support in having previous DC. Has she done alot of childcare for you for example? If you have been unable to manage and she has had to step in, I could see why she might have a vested interest in whether you have any more children.

If not, then it's absolutely none of her business, and you should have no qualms about politely, but firmly telling her to BUTT OUT!

Original poster
Booooooooooyhoo · 04/11/2009 11:46

no coffeemum, i work (when not on maternity leave) and ds1 was in a creche, thats the plan for when i go back this time aswell. there's never been an issue of her taking any pressure off or anything, if there were any more children it would simply mean she had one extra place to set on a sunday.

lovebeingamummy
thats is what the gp has recommended, ive didcussed it twice with him and also with OH at length, it is what we are going to use.

OP posts:
CoffeeMum · 04/11/2009 13:13

Well in that case, it is genuinely none of her business. I'm quite shocked that she thinks it is TBH, but then everyone has a different relationship with their mum.

I wish you luck however you decide to handle it - and i can see how just lying might be the smoothest solution!

dittany · 04/11/2009 13:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

displayuntilbestbefore · 04/11/2009 16:24

Booooooooooyhoo - do you mind me asking, how old are you?

MorrisZapp · 04/11/2009 16:32

My mum is a bit like this tbh, and I have learned simply to agree with her, make all the right noises etc and let her 'win'.

What I actually do of course is another matter.

If your mum is anything like mine then she will hold her convictions v v strongly, and to her it isn't a question of boundaries, it's simply a question of making sure that you do the right thing (in her view).

It's hard to explain to others why this situation is allowed to occur, but they haven't met your mum.

Take the easy route - tell her what she wants to hear.

posieparker · 04/11/2009 16:37

Tell your Mum that you will just have anal sex, hopefully she'll never inquire again!

posieparker · 04/11/2009 16:38

Now have read the thread, must be more original.

CarGirl · 04/11/2009 16:42

tell her you won't be having the mirena because you are trying for a baby

ParanoidAtAllTimes · 04/11/2009 17:00

Or if you're feeling really brave, show her this thread!! (Not that I'd ever be that brave though )

Original poster
Booooooooooyhoo · 04/11/2009 17:20

im 23, dont mind you asking at all. i know it does sound like i'm 15 the way we both get on, its just easier as morriszapp says to let her think she has got her way..

paranoid, i wouldnt be that brave either!!!

OP posts:
displayuntilbestbefore · 04/11/2009 17:26

I only wondered because it seemed downright odd that a mother should be involved in her daughter's private affairs esp when you have a family of your own.
Stick to your guns, don't engage in conversations about things that really don't concern her and if it means falling out with her if she objects to you refusing to discuss it, then so be it. Maybe she'll think twice next time.

Original poster
Booooooooooyhoo · 04/11/2009 17:29

but she's scary display

OP posts:
CarGirl · 04/11/2009 17:42

Just tell your Mum that you're not discussing your sex life with her unless she's wishes to tell you all about hers?

TheCrackFox · 04/11/2009 17:42

Booooooooooyhoo - i know she is scary but please think what your life will be like in 10-20 years time if you keep letting your mum interfere and dominate you. Now that prospect is scarier.

My mum is very similar and I only really started putting in proper boundaries when I had my first baby (28yrs). TBH I just didn't have time for all her shit. She still is a mad old bag but she knows not to cross the line. You and your DH will need to present a united front and just keep repeating yourself "this is a decision for me and DH to make and is none of your business". Another tactic that works really well (for me) is to listen to what she has to say and then to completely change the subject, almost like you are deaf.

Good luck. It is hard but well worth it for your long term happiness.

oldraver · 04/11/2009 17:52

Just tell her that your trying for No2... should shut her up

Avendesora · 04/11/2009 18:08

When you talk to her have a couple of set phrases ready. Dont get into discussions or arguments, just repeat the phrases.

eg We have decided on Persona and condoms. I dont want you to discuss my private life with other people. Repeat.

It may help not to actually go into the whys and reasons, as of course you dont need to, its none of her business By discussing it in detail with her will reinforce the idea in her head that it is.

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