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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset at not getting an invite

19 replies

Aeschylus · 30/10/2009 10:36

Spotted a facebook post by one of our friends saying looking forward to our party Saturday night...

basically they are having a party and have not invited us, we have been friends for about 8 years, and have been invited to all of them as far as I am aware, however over the last year they have changed and made a new friend who in turn got them into a whole new group of friends who I could not have less in common with, in fact we could not be more opposite. Of course they are free to have what friend they like, I am not acting like a 12 year old here, just saying that we have drifted apart some what.

at the last party they had not invited any of their usual friends/family and only invited their new circle of friends, it really shook us as they have a lovely family and the parties were always a lot of fun. however this party was horrible I have never been so uncomfortable, I admit though I could of tried more. However when I spotted we had not been invited I sent a sms and got told that because of how I did not like their new friends they did not think I would want to come.... ok so I would not, but surely that should not be an excuse for not getting a invite. Especially as 2 days ago I got various texts and phone calls when they were having computer problems. so there was ample opportunity for a invite there. Which makes me feel used, as I am obviously good enough to help them with problems...

SO I sent a email stating how even though I would not of enjoyed it, that was no excuse for not inviting us....

AIBU?

OP posts:

emsyj · 30/10/2009 10:41

YANBU to be upset about drifting apart from people who used to be good friends, but the fact is you HAVE drifted apart and you don't like their new set of friends. You've even told them that you don't like them and that you don't enjoy their parties any more. Why would they invite you?

An email saying, 'well I would have hated it but you still should have invited me' is a bit silly and childish. Maybe it's time to accept that, when you lose one friend, you invariably gain a better one - and start looking out for the new friends who will come into your life shortly.

Original poster

Aeschylus · 30/10/2009 10:45

yeah you may be right, reading it back it does make me sound pathectic..

I think if they did not use me to always mend their computers, some times a whole evening I dont think it would bother me so much

OP posts:

Pluginbaby · 30/10/2009 10:47

I think I'd be busy next time they asked! You are being a wee bit unreasonable but I can understand why you feel like this.

LoveBeingAMummy · 30/10/2009 10:54

So you're mad you weren't invited to a party you didn't want to go to.

Meandacat · 30/10/2009 10:55

It's a pity when people drift apart but I don't think that necessarily needs to be the case. I have recently made a newer group of friends that I go out to gigs with, but still have a circle of older friends I like to see. The two don't always mix.

Don't be annoyed that your friend didn't invite you specifically to this party. But maybe try to encourage her still to remember her older pals and make time for them too. There's nothing to stop her moving in more than one circle.

MaMight · 30/10/2009 10:57

I think YABU I'm afraid.

They tried to include you with their new friends but you didn't like them and, in your own words, could have tried harder.

So, they reasonably assume that you dopn't want to mix with their new friends. They would probably still invite you if they had a family and old friends sort of party, but tbh I wouldn't blame them for never inviting you again if you send petty little emails when they don't invite you to something. Outragiously rude behaviour on your part.

AxisofEvil · 30/10/2009 10:57

YABU. If I started to get messages demanding to know why they hadn't been invited to a party in this circumstances I'd think they were being pretty immature. You're allowed to have parties without inviting everyone you know - I have various groups of friends and will invite some groups around without others.

cat64 · 30/10/2009 11:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

junglist1 · 30/10/2009 16:37

YANBU I'd be peed off. At least you've made your point. People are so quick to drop friends who've been there for them and it's not nice IMO

pigletmania · 30/10/2009 16:40

Dont take offence they have not invited some of their older friends including you so your not the only one. Unfortunately people move on and drift apart, YANBU though.

Fibilou · 30/10/2009 16:58

We have lots of friends from different areas in our lives, some that like a good drink up and others that are in their 60s and want to talk about postcards and our Rotary group. I certainly wouldn't mix the two together as I haven't got a big enough house and they wouldn't enjoy it.

I think YABVU, you can't invite every friend to every party

diddl · 30/10/2009 17:04

Of course YABU!

Talk about burning your bridges!

Now if they have a party with their family/old friends, they probably won´t bother to invite you to that now, either!

ImSoNotTelling · 30/10/2009 17:11

What diddl said. It's normal to have different groups of friends who you don't mix up.

I dont mix my old friends and new friends either. Doesn't mean I don't like my old friends any more.

piscesmoon · 30/10/2009 17:13

I think you have worked out YABU. They are having a party that you wouldn't want to go to, they know you wouldn't want to go, and yet you are upset because they didn't invite you!

wicked · 30/10/2009 17:16

They can't invite all their friends and acquaintances to a single party.

It might be a party for extended family, for an old set of friends, for work colleagues, for the neighbourhood, for her everyday friends.

Silly to send an email - she can invite who she likes.

ImSoNotTelling · 30/10/2009 17:16

I think if you ever want to see them again you need to ring them up and apologise before they read the email. Say you were feeling hormonal/sad that you dont see them much or something and you overreacted and invite them out somewhere.

Dont waste your energy having a big row about it which will only make things worse for you.

Pikelit · 30/10/2009 18:02

YA indeed BU!

Especially when you dislike the proposed company and had a vile time at their last party.

Had you gone missing during Good Manners Hour? Only I find it hard to believe that you've reached something approaching adulthood without being told you that you WAIT to be invited to parties and that, in the absence of an invitation, you never, never, never, call the host and demand to have a reason?

You can, of course, call a thousand curses down upon them in the privacy of your own home.

FiveGoMadonTheDanceFloor · 30/10/2009 18:05

But you are acting like a 12 year old.

NanaNina · 30/10/2009 19:16

Hmm - lots of posts about you being unreasonable and I can see why, BUT I am wondering what is behind this dilemma. Are the new friends a different social class (posher) for want of a better word (more intellectual) than the "old" ones. Is it something to do with them changing jobs or doing training of some sort and having different aspirations, or are the new ones "racier" is some way, or perceived as more exciting maybe. I just wondered what was behind this change as it does sound a bit unusual.

On the subject of friendships though I do agree with a lot of the posters, that friendships go through phases and change over time and I think sometimes we have to accept that a friendship is "past it's sell-by date" so to speak and it's time to move on but retain good memories. Maybe this is one of those times.

You were clearly hurt about being left out and I think sometimes we cover up hurt with anger and this is maybe what came out in the e mail. Always a good idea but put such e mails in drafts first and have another look the following day! Maybe a followup one saying sorry you acted in haste etc., as whatever happens it would be best to remain on good terms wouldn't it or even part on good terms.

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