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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be totally f***ed off with DH as he is going away 3 days before DS operation !

86 replies

CaptainUnderpants · 29/10/2009 18:41

DS booked in for grommets reinsertion and adenoids out later in the year.

Need to be at hosital with him 7.45am , other DS needs to get to school , then usuual thing after op two adukts to pick DS up from hosiptal and have 2 adukts around for 24hrs after.

My DH now phones me to say he is going abroad 3 days before op , will be back after op and not to worry as there are solutions to have someone about etc - he suggested that eldest DS goes for a sleep over the night at someones house - yeah great before school day. I then reminded him that two adults needs to be at the hospital -to which he is stumped and said I'll sort it out dont worry !

I say to home right please phone your parents to see if they can come up - yeah yeah dont worry there are other solutions blah blah ! I'll do it at the weekend sometime ! NO YOU DO IT NOW !

He has really pissed me off anout this , in the end I have phoned his parents and they have agreed to come up .

AIBU to be fecked off with DH and is it too much to ask that he sorts it out with his parents ?

Postponing the op was not an option , we were very lucky and have only had to wait 6 weeks and DS is totally deaf in one ear and bunged up !

OP posts:

cat64 · 29/10/2009 20:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

CaptainUnderpants · 29/10/2009 20:04

Well I can't tell him that i want my mind put at rest as he is not here - I thought Mumsnet was about airing thoughts,feelings and frustrations as well as asking for advice etc.

Sorry must have been mistaken (aswell as being control freaky !)

OP posts:

ThisPhantomPlopsPumpkins · 29/10/2009 20:04

but work is work, whether it's Armed Forces or civilian! You don't do your job you get fired. He can't help his job.

Original poster

CaptainUnderpants · 29/10/2009 20:05

Fibilou - yes he has managed to sort everything out for the trip .

OP posts:

ThisPhantomPlopsPumpkins · 29/10/2009 20:05

You posted in AIBU OP.

Chat would have been an entirely different bunch of responses.

Fibilou · 29/10/2009 20:06

Rubbish ! It would be an extraordinary employer that would fire someone because they said "sorry, I would prefer the trip not to be that week as my son is having an operation"

Do you really think that is unreasonable ?

Original poster

CaptainUnderpants · 29/10/2009 20:07

I know he can't help his work but he cant help in sorting matters out at home and making me feel less stressed ?

OP posts:

macdoodle · 29/10/2009 20:07

Yes its AIBU you have to realise that some people WILL think YABU!!
But you have certainly annoyed me, never mind all the other single parents, or forces parents!
Any sympathy I had initially is long gone....

I hope your DS surgery goes well

Fibilou · 29/10/2009 20:08

And the OP has pointed out that the work trip has been moved from its original date and her husband put up no complaint whatsoever to it. I would be livid if my husband hadn't at least tried to point out it would be massively problematic.

cat64 · 29/10/2009 20:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

CaptainUnderpants · 29/10/2009 20:13

Why would it have been a differnt lot of reponses ? do you lot chop and change the way you react to someone because the topic they post in ?

I gather from your responses that IABU but why would posting in cahr cahnge the way you think of the situation - we would still get surely ' How do single parenst do it ? ' how do yoou dela with it if married to somein in services ?' your DH can't do much about it as it is his job ? etc etc

wouls it change the fact that I am 'control freaky ' and not entitled to have my mind put at rest ?

I am not moaning that you say IABU , thats what I asked .

OP posts:

Fibilou · 29/10/2009 20:13

Macdoodle, I think that is unfair - I get the feeling that OP's real problem is not the operation itself - it's that it's a symptom of where she feels she and their son fit into her husband's priorities.

If your partner is in the forces you know when you take them on that they aren't going to be there for everything so expect it. If you are a single parent then you know the Dad maybe isn't going to be there to help so you get used to coping on your own. However, OP isn't in either of those situations. Yes she can manage on her own but maybe she thinks, quite reasonably, that as she has him there he should be pulling his weight

IMO a lot of men use the work card to get out of doing family chores that they don't want to do because you can't argue with it

lemonadesparkle · 29/10/2009 20:14

But its not "massively problematic" to have moved the meeting Fibilou - the PILs have agreed to help out as a result of one simple phone call. So the OP is irritated that her DH isn't going to be there but its not forcing her to cancel or reschedule her DS's op.

The problem is actually the OP's DH's failure to make the call before going out drinking with friends and that is not work related, its from what the OP tells us a character flaw.

Original poster

CaptainUnderpants · 29/10/2009 20:15

Blimely macdoodle - you get annoyed easily !

OP posts:

Original poster

CaptainUnderpants · 29/10/2009 20:29

Actually ladies - i feel a bit better about the whole thing - I am still annoyed that he couldn't be bothered to phone his parents tonight but could go out on the beer.

I have taken out my frustration on Mumsnet and not on my DH, although some of you have taken offence which was not intended. we all dela with things differently.

OP posts:

2shoescreepingthroughblood · 29/10/2009 20:36

hope the op goes well, it is always a worry, and that is bound to make any hiccup seem worse.

diddl · 29/10/2009 20:42

Well, if he had said he would phone at the weekend and that was early enough notice for ILs,I think you should have given him the chance to keep his word.

Is he really unreliable, or do you often step in & preempt him?

alicet · 29/10/2009 20:51

Not read whole thread.

However, I am a surgeon and have to say I think you must have misunderstood about the 2 adults thing. There is absolutely no logical reason that i can think of as to why you would need more than 1 adult. None at all.

Original poster

CaptainUnderpants · 29/10/2009 20:59

2 adult thing - I have the pre op sheet in front of me and I quote

' You must have two adults in the car when you are taking your child home after surgery. One adult to drive and one to care for the child'

Anything to misunderstand there ?

Have nothing to prove what they said to me after his op last time about 2 adults being at home.

diddl - he is unreliable when it comes to sorting out matters outside work .

OP posts:

alicet · 29/10/2009 21:04

OK so I agree nothing to misunderstand on that advice but I think it's nuts. I mean presuming they're not going to send your son home unless he is well? And if he became unwell inthe car on the way back not sure having 2 of you would make a difference.

Original poster

CaptainUnderpants · 29/10/2009 21:07

alicet

one person in car and child in back has unexpected reaction to a general ? surely better to have two adults in car so that driver doesn't have accident when distracted by unwell child ?

OP posts:

Northernlurker · 29/10/2009 21:59

Well they won't be releasing your child until they are sure he is well and very unlikely to have 'a reaction'. Also the situation can be easily resolved by you taking a taxi home - taxi driver drives and you look after ds. I think you are over-reacting massively here tbh. Your son is having a minor op and has had a GA before. Your husband has to work and said he would make other arrangements for your support - but you haven't given him the chance and you are just sat making a huge fuss about the whole thing. Tbh - I'm not surprised he's gone out for a drink tonight - he's really going to get an earfull when he comes home isn't he?

dreamylady · 29/10/2009 22:24

Cap'n, you are getting a right roasting! It seems like this isn't an isolated incident, and you are feeling either resentful or worried about something else, and using this incident to vent your feelings - almost forcing the situation so you can justify your anger and upset. I do it myself sometimes and it ain't pretty!

If you are stressed about the op then have you talked to your DH? Or if there's something else going on, try to be nice to him tonight when he gets in (that'll surprise him!) and wait til tomorrow after tea and try to talk about it calmly.

In future if something like this happens - if he says 'ill do it at the weekend' and you don't think he will, or want it doing sooner, could you just ask him 'can you do it tonight because i'm going to worry about it until its done, and it would really put my mind at rest'. You might be pleasantly surprised! Or maybe even a bit deflated that you've now nothing to be angry at him about.

If the latter, and there's something else going on, you need to sort that out. There's a chance it's not even him you're really angrey at - could be yourself. Or something from a long time ago - that's therapy territory though! Hopefully its a lot simpler than that.

good luck

nula · 29/10/2009 22:36

the hospital is being unreasonable - about the 2 adults

Try not to get too pissed off at him and his more relaxed approach.
It is a very minor op.

Hope all goes well

fluffles · 29/10/2009 22:43

i don't know where you all work but if my work changed the dates of a trip to clash with my DC going in for a GA operation i would certainly be able to say to work 'hang on while i ring the GPs and see if they can cover for me' before i made the final work trip arrangements.

i feel sorry for all the respondents who have to go on trips whenever you're told to no matter what and aren't even allowed to enquire if it really has to be that particular date without getting the sack!! [forces personnel excepted as that goes with the territory].

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