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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be totally f***ed off with DH as he is going away 3 days before DS operation !

86 replies

CaptainUnderpants · 29/10/2009 18:41

DS booked in for grommets reinsertion and adenoids out later in the year.

Need to be at hosital with him 7.45am , other DS needs to get to school , then usuual thing after op two adukts to pick DS up from hosiptal and have 2 adukts around for 24hrs after.

My DH now phones me to say he is going abroad 3 days before op , will be back after op and not to worry as there are solutions to have someone about etc - he suggested that eldest DS goes for a sleep over the night at someones house - yeah great before school day. I then reminded him that two adults needs to be at the hospital -to which he is stumped and said I'll sort it out dont worry !

I say to home right please phone your parents to see if they can come up - yeah yeah dont worry there are other solutions blah blah ! I'll do it at the weekend sometime ! NO YOU DO IT NOW !

He has really pissed me off anout this , in the end I have phoned his parents and they have agreed to come up .

AIBU to be fecked off with DH and is it too much to ask that he sorts it out with his parents ?

Postponing the op was not an option , we were very lucky and have only had to wait 6 weeks and DS is totally deaf in one ear and bunged up !

OP posts:
macdoodle · 29/10/2009 19:22

You did say 2 adults for 24 hrs at home - how on earth can they dictate or police it??
did you mean you would like 2 adults to help with other DC - how old is DS and how old are other DC!!
Not trying to be funny and am sure you are annoyed and worried, but funnily enough there are lots of single parents on this site, who somehow manage all sorts of thinsg by themselves!

macdoodle · 29/10/2009 19:24

"and have 2 adukts around for 24hrs after"

your OP which is why your point hasnt come across all that well!!

I came home with poorly DD2 age 9 weeks after a week in hospital with speticaemia, and also had DD1 age 6, ex dropped us at the front door and pissed off, I coped!

Original poster
CaptainUnderpants · 29/10/2009 19:29

As i said earlier
'Last time DS went in for op they asked whether two adults would be available after op due to any effects of GA and the fact there were other children at home.'

How they police it etc is not my problem nor is it how single parents work it - sorry to sound a bit harsh there.

I am not going to let my DH 'fuck it up' as this effect my DS health - not something you let someone delibrately fuck up.

OP posts:
lemonadesparkle · 29/10/2009 19:31

Sorry to say but I think YABU. Perhaps he could have mentioned your ds's op at work and tried to rearrange the trip but after all is said and done, its work!

As for the 2 adults thing - I know you said its the hospital's rule but I have never heard of such a thing and if that rule were at any of the hospitals that my children have been under the care of then we would be completely stuck - dh is in the armed forces and between us we have no family except for 1 brother 400miles away!!! What would single parents do in this scenario? When my ds1 had his tonsils and adenoids removed the other children had to go stay with friends. Your dh's parents have stepped into the breach.

I think tbh you sound as if this irritation is fuelled by a history of unreliability on his part.

macdoodle · 29/10/2009 19:32

oh am soooo tempted to say its just grommets FGS get a grip.....
I wont though, sounds like theres more to this though....

TrickOrTreatersDragOnYourNoose · 29/10/2009 19:32

When is the operation??

Original poster
CaptainUnderpants · 29/10/2009 19:33

Fibilou - yes exactly I would expect DH to sort out alterntive arrangements immeditely and not go on the piss.

I m very grateful that inlaws are coming up and it is not a problem - my Dh attitude is the problem that he mamges to make arramgemenst for his flights for him and his boss but cannot sort out his family .

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 29/10/2009 19:33

ok, but the point we're making is that actually, nothing is fucked up.

if you couldn't have the 2 adults you'd have just had to either lie, or tell htem it's tough it'll just be you.
people only mentioned single parents as a way of saying that it is possible for you to do this by yourself.

i get that it's annoying, but the issue is sorted isn't it? it isn't fucked up now- but you didn't even give him the chance to sort it did you>

anyway, i said SOMETIMES you have to let him fuck it up in order for him to realise what his behaviour is doing to you. i didn't; say this time, cos this time it's already sorted.
but seeing it from his perspective, you're angry with him, he says he'll sort it, and by the time he's home you've done it anyway.
maybe he figures it's easier just not to bother?

allaboutme · 29/10/2009 19:40

Gosh, all so mean tonight.
OP's son is having an operation and she is worried and nervous that everything will go to plan and worrying about how to manage the other DCs at the same time.
'its just grommets FGS get a grip' is a shitty thing to say.

OP I think YANBU
If I was relying on DH to be there to support me when I needed him if one DC was in for an op and others needed taking to school etc, then I would be EXTREMELY pissed off with him announcing that he was booking a work trip over the same period, with no apology for bad timing, no understanding of the extra stress it would put on me and no offer to help sort out alternative help until 'later' because he was busy going out on the piss.
I'd be fuming at his attitude tbh.

OP - I'm glad your PILs are stepping in to help now. I hope your DH apologises for being a bit inconsiderate and that you feel less stressed about things.

Original poster
CaptainUnderpants · 29/10/2009 19:41

Yes it is frustration becuase of his unrelaibilty to sort out domestic issues but he is certainly able to sort out business trips at work and make the necessary arrangements.

Yes it is only grommets and adenoids op but its just that Dh accepts a business trip , can't be bothered to phone parents but can go out on the beer.

Yes some of you are married to serviemen who are away for months at a time but I am not .

Yes I could have dumped my other Ds on friends at 7am and gone to hospital and get them to pick him up from school but again all the arranging would be down to me whilst DH is having a nice business trip.

Yes - two adulst in car in way onme from hospital -believe it or not , didn't make it up. Perhaps some of you need to read post op hospital notes .

OP posts:
Original poster
CaptainUnderpants · 29/10/2009 19:43

Allaboutme - thank you so much

OP posts:
ThisPhantomPlopsPumpkins · 29/10/2009 19:43

I really don't see why the phone call couldn't have waited until tomorrow TBH.

It's looking more and more certain that I'll be giving birth on my own because of DH's work commitments. Work is work, Armed Forces or not, if your DH doesn't do what his boss expects of him, he gets fired, the same as my serving Husband. You need to cut him some slack here.

If he is unreliable, you need to do what thisisyesterday is suggesting. Don't tell him to do something and then do it yourself when it's not done to your time limit, let him do it! I can understand how annoying it must be, but he'll never learn if you keep bailing him out!

TrickOrTreatersDragOnYourNoose · 29/10/2009 19:45

when is the operation though? Is it tomorrow and thus the reason it was imperative your DH phone his parents immediately??

Original poster
CaptainUnderpants · 29/10/2009 19:45

The phone call wouldn't have been tomorrow - it would have been at the weekend 'sometime'.

OP posts:
ThisPhantomPlopsPumpkins · 29/10/2009 19:46

what was wrong with this weekend sometime though?! The operation is later in the year, not later in the week!

Original poster
CaptainUnderpants · 29/10/2009 19:47

No the op is not tomorrow - ha bloody ha !

It is I think a bit of curosity to your DW and DS that you make some try to make some arrangements before you go out drinking and get completely bladdered !

OP posts:
Original poster
CaptainUnderpants · 29/10/2009 19:48

a phone call would put my mind at rest - is that such a bad thning to want ?

OP posts:
TrickOrTreatersDragOnYourNoose · 29/10/2009 19:54

No. you should have given him the chance to deal with it at the weekend like he said he would.

Original poster
CaptainUnderpants · 29/10/2009 19:55

so I am not allowed to have my mind put at rest .

OP posts:
ThisPhantomPlopsPumpkins · 29/10/2009 19:56

I can understand that you're bound to be stressed at the thought of the upcoming op, but you sound a bit control freaky TBH.

Original poster
CaptainUnderpants · 29/10/2009 19:57

not allowed to have my mind out at rest ?

Control freaky ?

blimey - keep them coming !

OP posts:
Fibilou · 29/10/2009 19:58

Phantom, I think that is the most extraordinary comment. Fair enough, your husband is in the forces and you must have known when you got pregnant that there was a good chance he wouldn't be there. However, OPs husband is not in the forces so I cannot understand why people are thinking she is unreasonable for being upset that he seems to prioritise work over his family.

Speaking as a wife who is constantly at the bottom of DH's time priorities after work, gardening for old ladies, his hot air ballooning hobby etc it gets very wearing when all you want is a slice of the person's attention. He says "I do it to afford our lifestyle" - but I would rather have more time with him and less lifestyle. I worry terribly that when DD is born he will miss out on so much of her life because he is so used to working endless hours that he cannot break the habit.

OP, I really feel for you as I am sure this is just an example of other times he's put work before family ? My DH puts work above everything else - not because of need but because it boosts his ego to feel as if he needs to be there all the time, that they can't manage without him.

thisisyesterday · 29/10/2009 19:59

OP. no it isn't such a bad thing to want. but you need to tell HIM that not us.

as i said before, i can totally understand your frustration/resentment/anger towards him if he is always like this, really i can (trust me, i have a dp who is remarkably similar)

all i was saying is that in this particular situation i think ypou're over-reacting a bit- but maybe this is just the straw that breaks the camel's back?
it sounds like the issue is a lot deeper than just this

he does need to sort himself out, of course he does.
but i don't think it is unreasonable to let him make the phone call over the weekend some time. THEN get mad at him if he doesn't do it

thisisyesterday · 29/10/2009 20:01

tell him straight OP.
my dp is gettingbetter, but it's been a long hard slog
what helped me? telling him that i didn't give a shit if we had no money and lived in a drain. i would rather have that, and a partner who put me and the children first, than what i had at the time. someone who always put work first no matter what.

i also asked him what he wanted the children to remember him as when they were older. a dad who was there for them, or one who was never at home and constatntly shooed them awaywhen he was.

he can change, but you really, really have to let him

Fibilou · 29/10/2009 20:03

OP, would I be right if I assumed he will have sorted everything out for the work trip already and that is why you are angry that he hasn't phoned his parents ? That he can sort out a work matter instantly but can't be arsed to deal with this family matter with the same punctiliousness and efficiency ?

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