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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to want DSS to take his best trainers home?

15 replies

mmrred · 27/10/2009 20:06

It's just they're expensive and this is the third pair we've had to get since term started because the others have mysteriously 'disappeared' and he comes back to ours in shoes too small for him. He has another pair that are the right size at ours, so I'd rather he took those home...

or am I just being mean?

OP posts:
cakeywakey · 27/10/2009 20:30

Eh, three pairs of trainers in one half-term? Are they being pinched off him, or is he just building up a brilliant stash of trainers?

If he's stashing them, let him take them and if they 'diappear' again buy a pair of 'Nicks' or whatever their modern equivalent is. He'll be back in the expensive ones like a shot.

If they're being pinched though, surely he'd want to leave them at yours? I don't think it would be unreasonable to send him home in the second best pair.

Original poster
mmrred · 27/10/2009 21:26

Anything nice, or that he particularly likes that is taken home gets 'lost' - we've wised up and not let toys etc go for a long time. His Mum has mental health issues and has difficulties with things that go from one place to another...his clothes, for example, are stripped off him as soon as he gets back and put into a carrier bag until the next contact when he puts them all back on again.

But as DSS has got older (he's now 7) he has started insisting on using some of the things from ours - so they go 'missing'.

OP posts:
thesecondcocking · 27/10/2009 21:36

they are his things not yours.
it is not his fault his mother is crap (in your opinion)therefore YABU-the poor kid sounds like he's stuck in the middle of a right shit storm.

Original poster
mmrred · 27/10/2009 21:39

And you think we should...do what?

OP posts:
Original poster
mmrred · 27/10/2009 21:41

And I certainly don't think people with mental conditions are crap, actually, it's just very difficult to know how to deal with it.

OP posts:
cakeywakey · 27/10/2009 21:49

Ah, that makes things much trickier then Would it be very difficult to talk to his Mum about it? Must be very hard on him and for you and DH to deal with.

poppy34 · 27/10/2009 21:52

Maybe have some kind of compromise-let him take back some stuff (eg clothes) but get him to leave more expensive stuff with you if it's going AWOL. Also are you sure it's not Dss being dopey losing it? My dss could lose himself on way out of his bedroom

thesecondcocking · 27/10/2009 21:53

i didn't say i thought people with mental health issues were crap,i meant it's not the kids fault she's crap (with his stuff)

CarGirl · 27/10/2009 21:55

7 year old boys are generally well known for their ability to lose stuff. Don't buy him expensive anything??

some of the parents I know make them bring their trainers home from school every day (wear them for PE & poss lunch time?) otherwise they go missing!

fairydust · 27/10/2009 22:00

I'd would'nt let him take them home certainly don't with my dss why should i keep buyin nice clothes and shoes for his mother to shrink all the time.

I send him back in the shoes he came in.

Original poster
mmrred · 27/10/2009 22:01

Impossible to talk to her, I'm afraid. DH did try when the first full set of clothes 'disappeared' and DSS was handed over in just a nappy. (Long time ago, obviously) she just talked about the stress it caused her (and clearly it does) but she's also very abusive if questioned further so DH doesn't.

I do think DSS has a very difficult time of it - I have been thinking for a while about trying to get him some counselling/help - perhaps from the school? But presumeably they would need to ask her permission so probably a no-go. Are there groups for children who live with sufferers of OCD?

OP posts:
thesecondcocking · 27/10/2009 22:10

could you not have him until she's sorted herself out? (i don't know if she's 'sortoutable' by the way?)

harimosmummy · 27/10/2009 22:21

I'd send him back in the stuff he came in, if it's suitable.

We dealt with this for years (No mental health issues here - just one stupid, shitty ex wife who would dress the kids in the most unsuitable clothes possible - often without underwear - to try and gather one more t-shirt / pair of socks / knickers.

But, often the stuff the kids came in simply was not suitable to return them in and my DH refused to put the kids in the middle of an argument. (Seriously... think swimming costume / ballet tutu / too small schooldress / no underwear / one of the mother's old tops (she's a size 16 and we're talking kids well under 10YO!!)

But, it's totally possible to get decent cheap clothes - Tescos / Asda /M&Co etc., all do cheap clothes which are suitable for a child to go out in.

If it makes the mother happy to think that she's managed to accumulate another £1 t-shirt from Tescos... then she's welcome to it.

I appreciate your frustration, but I do think buying less expensive items would (I) help your budget and (II) help your DSS by not feeling he's in the middle of this problem...

Sharpyharpy · 27/10/2009 22:55

YNBU - you just need to put the right spin on why he should leave the ''expensive'' ones at yours - cann't think of one but you should be able to tailor one to his mind set - as he gets older he will come to the realisation his mum's a bit crap at that sort of thing. You sound like your doing a good job

lilackaty · 27/10/2009 23:00

Given your situation, YANBU but I agree with sharpy about spinning it correctly.

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