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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not visit relatives who more than one hour away until the children are older?

127 replies

indiewitch · 25/10/2009 13:56

Is this unreasonable do you think? We have an 18m dd who is terrible in the car, she basically screams/cries continuously.
I'm thinking of refusing to visit anyone unless I can do it in a day until they are much older, would this be very unreasonable?
I hate this idea that somehow a weekend away somewhere the other side of the country is in any way fun, horrendous journey, v. little sleep at night and then similarly awful trip home. Then back to work and school the next day, all shattered and couple of days later one of us is ill and taking time off work and school.

OP posts:
Waswondering · 25/10/2009 22:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lindsaygii · 25/10/2009 22:24

Travelling at night or by train is the answer.

Or -- invite all your family over to stay with you, one by one, and take them out for a day in the car with the screaming child. They may feel differently about your travel ban when they've lived it themselves!!

YANBentirelyU, but, you still need to sort it out one way or the other. You can't just refuse to see anyone. Not fair on them, child or you.

BobbingForPeachys · 25/10/2009 22:28

I agree with waswiondering, esp the DVD

We also have an 8 month oldscreamer-in-the-car but the only people we properl;y know live 90 minutes away so we do it most weekends. I wish they werecloser but its the only way ds4 will get used to it (he's not too abd now if its not night time, and we try to make sure one trip coincides with a nap).

MonstrousMerryHenry · 25/10/2009 22:30

Screaming/ driving in the car? Yikes. Sounds awful for driving. We have friends whose DD does this, and it's horrific for long journeys, though I think they do take long car journeys, and just take regular breaks.

We are very lucky - we have a 2 yo DS who will happily entertain himself for 9 hours in the car. I really feel sorry for you - can offer no advice but just hope things change or you work out a way to manage her screaming.

sunmonkey · 25/10/2009 22:44

I live far from all my family as we are in Holland. I think it depends on the relatives and how close they are to you personally. As you may well know, they grow up fast and it would be a shame for them to miss out. If they really want to see them, they could come to you though.
My ds is 18 months and I have been trying to take him to the UK about every two to three months. Partly cos I am a SAHM and right now, have the time to go (I usually stay for at least a week each time) but would hate a rushed weekend. Its the only way my MIL gets to see her only grandchild and she's disabled, so she can't travel. I am dreading the day when he will be a nightmare traveler though i.e. terrible twos and I never know each time I go how he'll be, but so far so good. Its a 1 hour flight, I don't drive so unless DH comes we use the train as well. It can be made fun and you just have to pack light. Usually we fly to UK, but we are going to get the ferry as its a lot cheaper and MIL is paying. Its a long journey, 7 hours so am hoping for the best.
My DS will drop us at the ferry terminal and SIL pick us up the other end.
If I was working full-time, the visits would be alot shorter and fewer. I do get annoyed that no-one visits us though and last time I was there he was teething, I got hardly any sleep and she doesn't even have a spare room, so we stay in the living room. Still worth the effort though, as she enjoys seeing him so much.

FiveGoMadonTheDanceFloor · 25/10/2009 22:47

We went to see BIL in July, horrendous rain and DS screamed from Lulworth to Portsmouth. Was very tempted to return home.

Tortington · 25/10/2009 22:48

i'm of the opinion that when you have a baby, people should come to you if they want to see your baby.

Conundrumish · 25/10/2009 22:51

Indie - YANBU - do what suits your family. Sod everyone else for a couple of years.

mumeeee · 25/10/2009 22:52

YABU. We live about 100 miles from my parents and often used to visit them when the DDs were small. DD2 was even travel sick unti she was about 5, but we still went and just made sure we did plenty of stops. We actually took DD2 when she was 2 weeks old.

LeninGhoul · 25/10/2009 22:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Allets · 25/10/2009 23:01

Sorry but I think YABU.

I just don't get this whole business of putting life on hold until the children are bigger.

I have had 2 "car screamers". I remember vividly one trip to the south of France (a 14 hour drive). DS1 screamed all the way. I was shattered by the time we got there. We elected to enjoy the holiday however, he soon realised (by the time he was 2.5) that travelling is a way of life for us, so he just got with the programme. DD was also a "car screamer", we took the same tack with her and she is now great in the car.

I would go totally INSANE if I were so limited because of having kids. Not to mention the fact that I would never see my family (we live a trans-continental journey away from them).

LeninGhoul · 25/10/2009 23:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

onadietcokebreak · 25/10/2009 23:06

YANBU to not want to travel because of the problems that occur however the older she gets the harder it will become if you dont persevere now.

beaniesinthepumpkinagain · 25/10/2009 23:23

YANBU, id like to put my foot down, but weve compromised so your being a bit u!

dps whole family live 3hrs away (he moved to my home town) we wake the kids at 6am straight in dressing gowns a beaker/bottle of milk in the car and theyre back to sleep before we pull off they then wake 2mins before we arrive and have a fun day, we then leave evening, depends on how well naps go etc, normally they need bed at 7 but when its family you cant see often things have to be flexible last time we left at 9pm, both kids bathed and ready for bed, milk and story in the car and even there lulaby toys there, they slept the whole way home, me and dp grab a drive thru mac ds or something and they go off to bed when we get home, no bother,

Id rather do that than even entertain the idea of staying the night, all of us in one room, we tried it was knackering, in laws stay here for weekends we pop up for a day here and there, everyones happy with that!

BexieID · 25/10/2009 23:32

I moved to Scotland when Tom was 3 months old, 400 miles away from 'home'. We just manage to journey. Tom gets bored now he is 3.6, was much easier when he was younger. Am expecting DC2 xmas day, so will be back to breastfeeding baby in the car at services and DP will have to entertain Tom. We do make sure we have a really good long stop and usually at the same services with a play area.

What I would give to only be an hour away from my mum! Can certainly do that in a day.

ravenAK · 25/10/2009 23:54

We have always strapped them in & got on with it.

Travelling at night is good: especially on the four-five hour journeys back from either set of gps, when kids are tired & over-excited anyway, we have a bit of a ritual about changing into pyjamas, into car seats, special teddies, blankets (my mum crochets the blankets, so we get a brownie point with her too for being seen to use them).

Then turn the heating up & the music down (boring talky radio shows best) - everyone KO'd within 5 miles.

We have had the whole screamathon business on occasion & just ploughed on regardless. It's not pleasant, but sod it, you can't run your life round tantrums.

BUT I don't think the OP's BU. She has concluded that for her family, it's just more hassle than it's worth, at the moment. Fair enough.

stuffitllllama · 26/10/2009 00:39

custy, valahalla, pink, completely agree

don't feel pressured indie

PurpleCrazyHorse · 26/10/2009 06:45

We've just done our first 3-4hr journey with 8wk old DD1 and it was simply a case of getting on with it. She cried for a fair bit and we just had to turn up the stereo and keep driving. Made me feel sad she was distressed but with no where to stop it was safer to let her burn herself out and fall off to sleep.

Agree with using the travel cot at home.

First Great Western trains often have a family carriage which is fab if you're worried about DCs disturbing other passengers on the train. Maybe other train operators have a similar thing?

WynkenBlynkenandNod · 26/10/2009 07:11

We didn't do much visiting when the DC's were young as found the whole sleeping in someone's living room next to a travel cot really stressful. We don't do much now as my Mum lives round the corner, Dad comes here and stays in a lovely B&B and likes doing this as it is a break for him. PIP live overseas and we did fly out when DD was a baby but after their shopping trip to UK where they didn't make any attempt to see us I felt no obligation to go again.

But now the DC's are older we have ditched the cottage in Devon thing that we used to do and they coped fine with the 13 hours it took to get to Germany this year . I'd say go at your own pace, different people find different things stressful, try to give alternatives if possible like turn a visit to you into a break by paying for a B&B or something and know that in the future you'll feel differently.

belgo · 26/10/2009 07:14

My parents live 7 hours away. We've been visiting them since dd1 was 4 months old, every five months or so, and now we have three children. It's not particularly stressful, I plan very well.

belgo · 26/10/2009 07:16

One hour's drive is nothing.

bigchris · 26/10/2009 07:28

How old does the baby have to be before you would stop expecting other people to do all the visiting thiugh custy?

dh's grandma is 86, if we didnt drive six hours to see her she would never have met her great grandchikdren. Somethings you just have to grit your teeth through and get on with it.

ErnestTheBavarian · 26/10/2009 07:52

How do you react when she's screaming?

I have a picture in my mind of you all being very stressed and worried and trying to sooth her etc etc.

Call me a hard faced old cow, but have you tried telling her off? Basically she's kicking off cos she doesn't like something, and imo there's a limit to making their little world picture perfect all of the time. It's just not possible. And screaming and screaming cos she doesn't like being in the car is to a certain extent bad behaviour, even at 18 months. I have a 16 month old, and a certain amount I'd understand or tolerate, but hours on end I wouldn't.

Ds1 used to scream his head off in the car. We had a choice of him totally ruling our lives, or him having to get on with something he doesn't particularly enjoy. Sometimes we'd tell him off for the screaming, we'd also ignore it. We'd get him little toys and snacks etc and try to make the journey better for him. Of course, when you've got more than 1 child you can't allow 1 to dictate/call the shots for everybody. After all, a car journey isn't so bloody awful is it?

We have now a 16 month old, 5, 8 & 10 year old. We regularly have to drive long distances. We drive from germany to UK, as well as shorter journeys of 3 to 8 hours. They are all as good as gold in the car. Only ds1 (pfb) was a screamy traveller. Soon taught him out of it.

They soon learn to travel well if you respond appropriately and plan well.

piscesmoon · 26/10/2009 08:01

I am inclined to agree with Ernest. Travel is a fact of my life and they have to learn to fit in. I would just bung them in the car, with toys etc and if they scream they scream. I would do it a lot so they got used to it. They are not suddenly going to be good travellers.We never had a problem with 3 DCs.

stuffitllllama · 26/10/2009 08:11

Oh poor Indie. There's no point making yourselves ill for the sake of a weekend.

It doesn't matter how much other people do it, for however far, with airports, and ferries, and however short or "nothing" other people think the journey is. There is really no point in making yourselves ill and exhausted if that does happen.

The only thing I would take issue with is the "much" older part of your post. I would set yourself six months to not do it. That way you will relax and not be stressed about the thought that you are upsetting the family for other people.

When you are ready I would give it a try, but not to visit overnight, just to drive for maybe an hour and a half to an attraction or an event that you know that she'll enjoy. Take it in small steps and just reduce your guilt about upsetting the children AND not seeing people.

What works, works. Don't feel inadequate if you are not doing it just because other people are.

To me, one hour's drive IS nothing. But that's to ME (and obviously a few others), NOT to you and your dd. Leave it alone for a while and learn to feel ok about it. Don't make yourself ill over visits.