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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not visit relatives who more than one hour away until the children are older?

127 replies

indiewitch · 25/10/2009 13:56

Is this unreasonable do you think? We have an 18m dd who is terrible in the car, she basically screams/cries continuously.
I'm thinking of refusing to visit anyone unless I can do it in a day until they are much older, would this be very unreasonable?
I hate this idea that somehow a weekend away somewhere the other side of the country is in any way fun, horrendous journey, v. little sleep at night and then similarly awful trip home. Then back to work and school the next day, all shattered and couple of days later one of us is ill and taking time off work and school.

OP posts:
LilyBolero · 25/10/2009 18:50

Kids cry in cars! They just need to get used to it. Try music, toys, food, sitting in back with child etc.

We have a 6 hour drive to my parents, we just get in the car and go, don't stop (unless for urgent loo stops!). but I would do up to 2/3 hours away in a day - makes a long day but easily possible.

LilyBolero · 25/10/2009 18:50

Kids cry in cars! They just need to get used to it. Try music, toys, food, sitting in back with child etc.

We have a 6 hour drive to my parents, we just get in the car and go, don't stop (unless for urgent loo stops!). but I would do up to 2/3 hours away in a day - makes a long day but easily possible.

CantThinkofFunnyName · 25/10/2009 18:53

Difficult to try to give opinion as all of us can only judge on what we do/have done with our own children, who, of course, are not your DD!

Tbh, I have always had to travel more than an hour (just) to see my family and my kids have just had to get used to travelling by car. We also have always driven from London to France for skiing each year (from newborn age) and our summer holidays are in the car taking in France and Spain - so, again, they really have had to get used to it. It is far more difficult as they get older and squabble.

I guess my advice would be to keep trying the car but don't feel you have to stay over somewhere - that I can totally sympathise with. staying in someone else's house with an unhappy child is just awful on the parents.

PoppyIsApain · 25/10/2009 18:55

Could you take the train, it means your dd could walk about a little?

Vallhala · 25/10/2009 18:56

YANBU.

If you don't want to do something because it makes life a bloody misery, why the hell should you? Its not as if we are talking of an essential hospital visit.

You're an adult, you're under no obligation to visit anyone, regardless of their relationship with you and your child. if they want to see you and yours so much they will accept that it is more sensible to travel to you.

Also, just because others here have carried out similar or worse journeys, well hey, good for them - their choice. It doesn't HAVE to be yours unless you want it to be.

bigchris · 25/10/2009 18:56

we have to ravel to see family
we grin and bear it
I don't really like staying away from home, dcs argue in back of car, dh gets moody
but all that is outweighed by the fact that we want our kids to see there grandparents and aunts, uncles and cousins more than once a year (well gps come once a yr, my siblings dont ever come so if we didnt drive to them i would no longer see them)

sagan · 25/10/2009 18:58

yabu. I am on my own and travel more than 5 hours on the train to see my family with a 5 year old and a very difficult 16 month old. At the end of the day, the hassle of the journey is more than worthwhile for the time I otherwise would not get with my family.

alwayslookingforanswers · 25/10/2009 18:58

in my mind anywhere 2-3hrs away is within "day visit" area - regardless of screaming toddler in the back (yes we've done it in the past).

Takver · 25/10/2009 19:01

Another voice to say take the train. We are approx 7 hours from both sets of gps, we generally make the trip 3 -4 times a year. Car is just hideous, even now dd is 7 (and no longer gets carsick - we used to travel with bathtowels & spare clothes).
Train is fine, take loads of toys, picnic etc and your dcs will have a great time. We also try if in any way possible to make it a 4 day weekend - go Friday, back Monday.
The other thing I would say is don't avoid changes, underground etc - the more variety the better IME.

Ewe · 25/10/2009 19:05

I think YABU, I have a 19month old who HATES the car, screams constantly and is an all around nightmare.

She requires either constant feeding and entertaining in the car or she wears herself out from crying and eventually nods off. It's horrible, I hate the journey but it is worth it because my DD gets to see her Grandparents. She has to get used to it sometime and I think it's good to teach her early that sometimes you have to do things you don't like!

I think it is reasonable for you to do the journey a few times per year.

lovechoc · 25/10/2009 21:05

I think this is the problem though, people feel they need to pander to their DC, regardless of the age. We have had very difficult journeys too, like many others on here, but at the end of the day, it's an effort worth making in order to see relatives (as long as it works both ways in that they also return the visit, otherwise - stuff them).

Most relatives are understanding when you arrive at your destination, that you've had a tough time travelling. It should go without saying, really.

DS learns that sometimes in life we have to go places at not the most convenient times, but hey ho, that's life. It gets worse as they get older, they soon realise that life is a biatch. Might as well get them accustomed to it early!

hormonalmum · 25/10/2009 21:13

Overall, I would say YANBU, but I would with a child your dd's age, time the journey to fit in with a sleep - perhaps transfer her into the car early morning and hopefully you would only have the difficult trip one way.

That said, I am now a miserable old bag and rarely visit anyone, but that would take another thread

FiveGoMadonTheDanceFloor · 25/10/2009 21:17

YABU, DH's brother lives in Kent we live in Dorset so we do the rip not regularly probaably 3 times a year have done since DD was 9 weeks, she is now 3.9 and DS is 16 months. In March we drove to Germany to see DS's Godfather and in June we drove to Norhern Ireland to see DD's Godfather.

FiveGoMadonTheDanceFloor · 25/10/2009 21:17

Sit in the back with her, that is what I do.

littleducks · 25/10/2009 21:19

What type of car seat is she in? Any chance of trying out others (swap with friends/relatives) to see if a different seat might help?

ShannaraTiger · 25/10/2009 21:21

I'm not a fan of giving a child medicine but a dose of 'phehigan'(sp?) got us through a couple of 2 hour car journeys with our car sick dd. Sent her straight off to sleep, she didn't wake up until the car stopped - then was sick every where but at least we had arrived!!

2rebecca · 25/10/2009 21:27

We wouldn't have visited any relatives in that case. Our kids soon got used to long infrequent car journeys and stopped crying because they knew it didn't make any difference. We'd have child friendly music on the car stereo and stop every 2-3 hours for a break and I'd often spend a while in the back. We wouldn't do these trips in a weekend though as often 8 hour drive. Visiting relatives was what we did on holidays when they were small.

SazZaVoom · 25/10/2009 21:27

We travel at night. In the car at 7.30 pm and just drive. I drive the first bit and DH sleeps and then we swap. We did a 6hr drive from Scotland last night and arrived home at 2.30am.

You do what you have to, but don't let it rule what you do socially IYSWIM

Good luck

SazZaVoom · 25/10/2009 21:29

Forgot to say, my two are 2.11 and 14 months

kitkatsforbreakfast · 25/10/2009 21:37

I understand it is difficult for you, but unless you want to be tied to your home for a potentially very long time, then you will have to get her used to travelling.

People have given you good ideas about making car journeys easier. Take their advice.

As for staying away from home, do you take a travel cot? You could use it at home for a few days before travelling so she is used to her sleeping environment, and more likely to be cooperative when away. And take all your own bedding, toys etc to keep her familiar.

I was very wary of lots of travelling before my dc were born, but as we lived 400 miles from all of our families we did the first major road trip (at least 1500 miles over a week) when ds1 was only 5 weeks old.

Now we drive to the South of France every summer with 3 dc, who are now 7, 5, and 2, and have done this for several years. Children do get used to being in the car, and if they know that there is no alternative then they usually get on with it. We do have have to listen to interminable amounts of their music choice though. In car dvds make the journeys fab.

FiveGoMadonTheDanceFloor · 25/10/2009 21:43

Portable DVD player is a godsend aswell.

Sassybeast · 25/10/2009 21:47

YANBU. DD1 was a dream traveller, DD2 was a nightmare. Overnight trips became so horremdous, they just were not worth it. She's a lot better now and we've started to travel again. Only you know if it's worth it or not.

fandango75 · 25/10/2009 21:50

cant you get the train? thats what we do - much better (and quicker) than the car

jellybeans · 25/10/2009 21:57

YANBU

francaghostohollywood · 25/10/2009 22:03

Oh yes, babies can go through a stage when they don't like being on a car.
But traveling to see our family and friends was crucial for us, so we've always traveled a lot since day one really.
I don't think you are bu, though.

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