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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell my SIL that DS already has the present she got for his b/day, and therefore not to take it out the box so I can exchange it?

28 replies

ilikeyoursleeves · 24/10/2009 22:58

DS is turning 2 and got some birthday pressies tonight at the inlaws, one of which was a fire engine from ELC. He has this already (given by other SIL last year) so I told SIL this. DS had seen what it was obviously and tried to play with it / get it out the box. I said I would exchange it for something else but ended up feeling like a bad mummy cos everyone was saying 'but awwww look at his face he wants to play with it, can he not just have 2 of them, one for downstairs and one for upstairs?'. I gave in and went to take it out the box but DS then went to play with something else and forgot all about it. I still got a bit of a slagging though that I'm going to return it.

I think since he already has it HE DOESN'T NEED ANOTHER ONE or is that just me? And was it rude of me to tell SIL he already has it? The other SIL who got him the original one was sitting there and she said she didn't want to tell her sister that DS already had it, so that made me feel bad as if it was rude or something!

OP posts:
shockers · 24/10/2009 23:01

My brother has bought ds a cricket set 3 yrs running. He looked offended when I pointed it out on both the second and third time!

famishedass · 24/10/2009 23:09

I'd have just given it to him to play with to be honest, being as the SIL and everyone was there.

I certainly wouldn't have said "but I've already got one of those" no matter how nicely it was worded.

Sorry, YABU.

I'm sure your 2 year old has lots of other things to play with.

Firawla · 24/10/2009 23:11

yanbu, bit of a stupid suggestion saying have one upstairs and one down! much better to have something different.
your other sil should have just told her before so she could have exchanged it for something else, i dont see how that would have been rude of her to mention in advance

Washersaurus · 24/10/2009 23:12

Oh yes very impolite to comment on presents like that - I'd have just let him play with it (and have done in that situation). I have also since realised that with 2 boys it is handy to have 2 of some toys.......

CurlyhairedAssassin · 24/10/2009 23:14

Wait till he's older and is telling her himself "I've already got one of those"! Very embarrassing....

choosyfloosy · 24/10/2009 23:16

TBH, I think the only acceptable thing to say when someone gives a present, whatever the circumstances, is Thank you. Sorry, YABU.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 24/10/2009 23:17

FWIW, I wouldn't have said he already had it. But seeing as you did, and your SIL was the one buying the present, it's up to HER to offer to take it back or not, not for you to tell her what to do. And what if she hadn't kept the receipt? It would be a bit awkward.

Firawla · 24/10/2009 23:18

but you don't need the receipt to exchange it at the same shop for something else, if in original packaging...
i don't think op was demanding sil to take it back, she will just do it herself?

ShinyAndNew · 24/10/2009 23:23

If we get two of things we send one to gp's or I do swapsies with my sisters dc.

OTOH we normally check with closer relatives what we are buying. That said distant great aunts on DH's side have the habit of buying identical gifts.

PrincessFiorimonde · 24/10/2009 23:44

I recently gave my niece a belated birthday present and SIL did say she already had one the same. I was not in the smallest bit offended. I would have been more offended if I'd later discovered niece had 2 of the same, one of which was now redundant.

But then, I have always said to SIL (and brother, but he doesn't always notice) to tell me if I've given a duplicate/made the wrong choice of present. And I always keep the receipt.

So YANBU.

What would you think if the positions were reversed?

sayithowitis · 24/10/2009 23:58

Yes, I think it is rude of you. Your SIL has put herself out to buy a gift for your son. Would it have killed you to just say Thank You? You could always have changed it later, without her knowing.

When you put in the time and effort to but something, it is very hurtful to be told that in effect, you don't want it. MIL does this to DH every year. He is made to feel a failure because he always ries to buy something she would like, but obviously, being a man, tends to go for the obvious things which other people also know she likes.

whenever we, or our DCs have been given 'duplicates', we always say thank you' and then make an exchange later. If anyone mentions it, we tend to say there was a faut with the item, but usually, because we clearly still have at least one of whatever it is, most people don't even realise.

Qally · 25/10/2009 00:18

Sorry, but yes, I do think that's rude. DS got his 3rd copy of Paddington Bear at his christening, and I smiled enthusiastically and said, wow, how fab, thanks so much! If someone's gone to the time, trouble and expense, then IMO appreciation of that is the only option. How useful/wanted/shiny or otherwise the gift is isn't relevant.

I can still remember having to fake extreme joy at about 9 when a family friend - who was famed for superb presents - gave me Old Possum's Book Of Practical Cats for Christmas, and I was gutted. (I had no taste as a brat.) It had been so drummed into me that the thought is what you are thanking for, not the money spent or desirability of the present, that showing any hint of disappointment was unthinkable. I still appreciate that lesson. It's one I plan to instil into my kids, too.

DH tries my principles, though. "Oh darling! A matchbox mini cooper car, to celebrate the birth of PFB! Along with a giant chocolate cornflake rabbit! Just what I always wanted!"

cat64 · 25/10/2009 00:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

2rebecca · 25/10/2009 08:31

If I bought my nephew a present and he had one I would expect my SIL to exchange it and would try and find the receipt for her. Having 2 identical toys is just silly and a waste. I wouldn't want her to take it out of the packaging as you couldn't return it.
I'd keep it in it's pacckaging and try and swap it.
The whole family sound a bit bonkers for wanting a duplicate present opened.

Littlefish · 25/10/2009 08:36

I would definitely have said something. What is the point in having identical presents. It is possible to say it politely "Oh, that's absolutely perfect - exactly right for ds. In fact, so perfect that someone bought it for him earlier this year. Would it be alright if I exchanged it and bought the xxxxxx to go with it."

I wouldn't be at all offended if someone said this to me.

llaregguBOO · 25/10/2009 08:41

Everyone in my family gets a gift receipt and tapes it to the present in case of this very situation. Gift receipts don't have the price on but obviously allow the gift to be taken back by the recipient.

diddl · 25/10/2009 08:43

I really find it odd that one sister couldn´t tell the other that she´d previously bought the same thing.

I would be gutted if I bought something the child already had & no one bothered to tell me.

belgo · 25/10/2009 08:43

YANBU. And agree what a stupid suggestion about having one upstairs and one downstairs.

belgo · 25/10/2009 08:46

exactly diddl. I would want to be told if I bought a child the same present, then I would search for the receipt and go and exchange it.

Littlefish · 25/10/2009 08:55

We do the same as llaregguboo - receipts are included with the gift (or kept by the buyer). None of us are offended if gifts get changed.

diddl - perhaps the SIL were on different sides of the family. I have no idea what presents my nephews and neices have been bought recently, or what toys etc. they currently have. Perhaps you see your family more than I do.

diddl · 25/10/2009 09:06

Littlefish

Both SILs were in the room together when the present was given.

Original poster
ilikeyoursleeves · 25/10/2009 16:10

thanks for the responses all. typing with baby on boob. the sil's are very close sisters and the sil who bought the fire engine was there when ds got same fire engine last year (not that i would expect her to remember though!).

I said that ds has the toy already because they were starting to get it out of the packaging and imo i thought that it would be a waste for him to have 2 (incidentally he has grown out of it anyway and plays with another more 'grown up' fire engine). I didn't think sil would be offended but looking at your replies, maybe it was v rude of me and she will be pissed off / hurt. but if it was me being told that a child already had something i had bought for him i would be in no way offended, but rather glad the parents could then go and exchange it for something else hecould play with.

i did say too thanks so much, he loves it, fab present etc etc so hopefully i didn't sound like an ungrateful cow!

OP posts:
ellokitty · 25/10/2009 17:52

I think it depends on the culture of the family. If the SIL is happy enough to tell you when you give her a duff present (duplicate, not suitable etc etc), then I think it is case of she should just have to put up with it when you do the same. But, if they always smile politely and just exchange behind your back, then you should do likewise. If she is happy to tell you when she wants receipts to change things, then she is being a hypocrite in moaning. If however, she keeps quiet, then I would do likewise.

funtimewincies · 25/10/2009 17:55

My ds has got 2 of the exactly the ELC fire engine you're on about. You can never have too many fire engines and they often feature together in the same game .

Why shouldn't he have 2 the same? I wasn't aware that there was a rule to say that you're only allowed one of something.

Littlefish · 25/10/2009 19:13

diddl - sorry - missed that point when I read the OP.

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