to want DS to be in dat care when I go back to work rather than go to his dad's?

[BrandonsMummy]

DS is 4 months old and I have difficulty letting him out of my sight ATM! I am not in a relationship with DS's father but have told him that he can visit DS as often as he likes so he comes to see him twice a week.

DS's father has been unemployed for over a year and lives rent free at his mother's house. Although he buys the ocassional gift for DS he does not support us financialy. I'm OK with this and have promised him that I will never go down the CSA route (as he was worried about this when I was pregnant).He has said that he would like to look after DS when I go back to work in March.

I am not warmiing to the idea at all as he lives a 45 minute drive away from where I live and work, day care is 2 mins down the road and I am welcome to pop in on my lunch break to see DS and breastfeeed if necessary.

Also I am going back to work full time because I HAVE to, not because I want to. The thought of it breaks my heart ATM and I would like nothing more than to be at home with DS, but I have a mortgage and bills to pay so that DS can live in a nice place and have nice things. I have exhaused every other option, there are no decent council houses available in my area and I cannot afford to rent privately.

The thought of me working my a**e off 5 days a week whilst DS's father continues to not work and instead is bringing up DS when I'm not there doesn't seem fair, I know this sounds selfish and I certainly don't want to get in the way of their father/son relationship but I would feel mch better knowing that DS was nearby recieving quality care from proffesional nursery nurses.

I have shown DS's Father what I can, and encouraged him to read a parenting book, but all he ever does when he's here is play with DS, I worry that he wouldn't know what to do in an emergency.

So to round up a long post - I would much prefer DS to be in day care when I return to work AIBU?

oh and i totally agree with dittany about his mum pushing for this arrangement

I don't agree with Dittany or skidoodle, and how people can work out his mother is behind it all on the evidence we have been shown is beyond me. I think if the father can look after their child at the OP's house,he should.

YABNU at all- you are looking after this child and any arrangements have to basically suit you. I don't think there is any genuinely conclusive research about advantages/disadvantages of day care for young children, just different ideologies, but I can see clear disadvantages of having to drive hours extra to dp's house in addition to working, etc.

If he can look after the child at your house, then that would be great it seems. Otherwise, could you do half-half (a few days' daycare and a few days' with dp per week?

I think some fairly major assumptions about this man (and indeed his mother!) are being made by some posters on this thread.

I agree that the commute, at least everyday, isn't a good idea, but we've got no reason at the moment to think he won't agree to coming to the OP's house, so why assume that?

I'm also thinking of the threads that have been on here recently about dads who have found themselves out of work and are refusing to take on childcare responsibilities because they've said it 'isn't their job' or similar. Imagine if the OP had posted saying she was going back to work full time, the child's dad was out of work and he wasn't volunteering to look after him, forcing her to put the child in nursery instead. There would be outrage at his laziness.

Exactly flowerybeanbag.

Two parents are responsible to bring up a child and I find it hard to believe that in 2009 people still consider the father's main responsibility to be going out to work!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Because staying at home with the kids makes him less of a father????

BTW OP, I know this is not at all what you're thinking, I'm just shocked at some people's reactions.

Now, on a more practical level, what sort of job do you do? Would it be possible, like someone suggested, that you work longer hours 3 days a week and stay at home for the other 2?

How will his dad be able to afford the daily trip to your house, have you discussed that? Because his savings won't last forever and you don't want him starting saying in a few months time that he can't afford to come to yours. If he's willing to make the commitment he has make sure that his JSA or whatever will be enough.

I hope I'm not bombarding you with questions, just trying to think of ways that could help the situation

I think the dad should be allowed to do the childcare, maybe once the op starts paying through the nose for childcare she'll realise what a good contrubution her ex could have made by offering it free.

and so what if his mother is involved in this?. are MIL's not supposed to have an interest in how their grandkids are brought up?

I do feel for you because it is hard to make yourself go back to work when you don't want to. But I think you need to separate the issues in your head.

1. Going back to work

Well, it sounds like, at some point, this would have had to happen. You are on your own and you want to stay where you are because you like the area which means, unfortunately, working. It is also far easier to find another job once you are in this job. I would try and see this full time job as a stepping stone to finding something that was more part time (say 4 days a week or even if you had to stay full time, trying to do a day from home). BUT you are in a stronger negotiating position once you have that job.

1. The fact that he does not contribute financially.

It's a bummer but you are not in a relationship with him and annoyingly, that's the end of that! Of course, ideally he would work and give you some money for ds but he's not in work and there's no way you can influence that decision.

1. The fact that he could become childcarer for ds.

I think this issue is a bit more complicated tbh. In terms of money, it would be far better for you that he does that as you will net more money. And it is great for ds as he gets to spend time with his dad. But 2 things I would be careful of - 1, that if he does want to get a job, he doesn't start using the fact that he is looking after ds not to get one and 2, that in time, he asks you for money for looking after him (as I can imagine that situation developing).

I think you need a sensible chat with him about what his future plans are. Because you'll need to know this anyway in terms of how long he plans to be around to look after ds (in case he gets a job and you suddenly do have to muddle together childcare).

A completely so-called un-2009 view from me:

Why is it more accepted for a mother to want to spend most of her time with her baby and therefore not go out to work, and less so for a man? Because until quite recently, she was growing that baby inside her - there is a huge physical/emotional connection there that a father doesn't have. That is not to denigrate fathers - they have other, wonderful and specific bonds with their children. But this is a small baby.
It is not right that a capable adult man should not wholeheartedly seek employment to help pay for his child, thereby forcing the mother of a 4-MONTH-OLD to spend most of her time away from her baby when she doesn't want to.

I think it's great that he wants to help look after his baby, and there's no reason he wouldn't be fantastic at it. But he needs to also recognise that you are an important part of the emotional equation. It's not 'all about the baby' - it's mostly about the baby, but also about the dynamics of the family. Your emotions do count, they are important.

Your ex should be caring not just for your baby, not just for his father-child bond, but also for the mother-child bond - all of it is in the best interests of this child. The way he can do this is by helping with childcare AND finding work, so that you both have enough time with your baby. Whilst he is stepping up a gear to find a job, he should care for the baby at your house, so that you can pop in and breastfeed.

Foxinsocks makes some very important points.
Best of luck with working it out - I really feel for you.

ps: perhaps on days he has interviews, the baby could be cared for by MIL at their house.

Great posts from fox and independiente.

I think this is very different from an established couple who agree that one parent will stay at home and it happens to be the Dad.

This is an unemployed man, who has made it clear he has no intention of supporting his child and is living off his own mother - it's reasonable to suspect he will use 'I'm looking after baby' as an excuse to avoid work.

Maybe that's unduly harsh, but it's worth the OP making sure that isn't the case. As well as checking out the implications for custody should there ever be a dispute (God forbid) and for his benefits situation.

Other than the long distance IMO your baby would be better off being cared for by his father. Providing you are happy that his motives for asking to do this are genuine (which they seem to be) I think this would be a good option.

I began working 1 short day a week when DS was 6 months old- it tore me apart to leave him but I work in my family business and they really needed me. DP took this day off work to look after DS (and still does 2 years on), their bond was strengthened so much by having this one-on-one time, nothing brought DP up to speed as to how to care for DS as having to go it alone on that day. Plus it gave him an invaluable insight into what my days at home with DS involved (i.e. not drinking tea and watching daytime TV).

I understand and sympathise that you feel uneasy about your baby's father spending so much time with him while you are working hard but surely it is a good thing all round for them to be close. Also, you will need to earn less if your baby is not in a nursery as you won't have to pay the huge fees- so you could perhaps look for a part time job.

I think YABU - can you not compromise and ask him to care for his son 2 days a week and you only have to pay for childcare 3 days? Denying your son a relationship with his father seems wrong IMO

Haven't read the whole thread. But couldn't the dad travel to you rather than the baby travel to the dad?