to want DS to be in dat care when I go back to work rather than go to his dad's?

[BrandonsMummy]

DS is 4 months old and I have difficulty letting him out of my sight ATM! I am not in a relationship with DS's father but have told him that he can visit DS as often as he likes so he comes to see him twice a week.

DS's father has been unemployed for over a year and lives rent free at his mother's house. Although he buys the ocassional gift for DS he does not support us financialy. I'm OK with this and have promised him that I will never go down the CSA route (as he was worried about this when I was pregnant).He has said that he would like to look after DS when I go back to work in March.

I am not warmiing to the idea at all as he lives a 45 minute drive away from where I live and work, day care is 2 mins down the road and I am welcome to pop in on my lunch break to see DS and breastfeeed if necessary.

Also I am going back to work full time because I HAVE to, not because I want to. The thought of it breaks my heart ATM and I would like nothing more than to be at home with DS, but I have a mortgage and bills to pay so that DS can live in a nice place and have nice things. I have exhaused every other option, there are no decent council houses available in my area and I cannot afford to rent privately.

The thought of me working my a**e off 5 days a week whilst DS's father continues to not work and instead is bringing up DS when I'm not there doesn't seem fair, I know this sounds selfish and I certainly don't want to get in the way of their father/son relationship but I would feel mch better knowing that DS was nearby recieving quality care from proffesional nursery nurses.

I have shown DS's Father what I can, and encouraged him to read a parenting book, but all he ever does when he's here is play with DS, I worry that he wouldn't know what to do in an emergency.

So to round up a long post - I would much prefer DS to be in day care when I return to work AIBU?

Oh yes...forgot the travel issue. Better if he comes to you.

This is a man who has extracted a promise that the mother of his son will NEVER ask for what she is legally financially entitled to and has not paid a penny towards his child for 4 months.

Sorry if I'm not overwhelmed by the contribution he is now offering to make (entirely at his own convenience).

A good father, that was paying his way (however straitened his circumstances) and was offering to come to the OP's house to mind the child and trying to find a job at least a few days a week so that they could share childcare would impress me.

This guy, no, sorry.

Telling a woman who's pregnant with your child that you're worried about having to make a financial contribution to their upbringing makes you a deadbeat IMO.

Yeah, how did this promise come about?

I would be heartbroken if I was forced out to work, for financial reasons, when I wanted to be with my baby- and yet my work shy, irresponsible ex got to be where I wanted to be!

If he is seriously job hunting he hasn't got time to be a full time child carer.

piscesmoon Sun 18-Oct-09 18:22:24 Add a message | Report post | Contact poster

"I can't believe that people think that OP has to go out to work, leaving her baby-something she doesn't want to do,and yet her ex is able to have the baby and not bother looking for a job or contributing to his upkeep. It isn't fair!! The ex should be using every minute of the day job hunting so that he can be in work and contribute.I take it he is able bodied and normal intelligence?"

But why can't you just as well turn that one on its head? Why isn't it the OPs duty to earn money and her ex's to look after the baby? Why is it his staying at home and looking after a baby= selfishly sitting on his arse, whereas she is deprived if she is not allowed to do that very thing?

Well yes Cory. That is a good question.

"If he is seriously job hunting he hasn't got time to be a full time child carer."

So if a SAHM decides to go out to work she has to put her kids to nursery simply to job hunt? How is this financially viable?

And why are people assuming that the dad wants to look after his son because he thinks it's easy?

Thanks for all advice posted - I have taken on the comments of both the YABUs and the YANBUs to clarify a few things - he is a good dad and loves DS very much, I have no issue with him looking after DS in theory and agree that phasing this in a few hours at a time will be the best way forward. If for example we could come to an arangement where we both worked part time and shared childcare this would eventually be ideal. However this was the plan over a year ago at the start of the pregnancy, since then nothing has changed, I appreciate it's not the best time to be looking for a job but he admits that he rarely even makes applications. What upsets me is the thought of working full time whilst he cares for DS because I feel that he's giving me no other option. I'm not considering nursery as a means of spite, it is genuinely because the thought of so much physical distance between DS and myself mon - fri every week is a bit upsetting

I would have thought it to be fairly obviously that for a 4 month old baby, the ideal situation is that he is with a SAHP, and childcare of some kind is always going to be second best to that? That's absolutely no criticsm of anyone who puts their baby in childcare of course. But I think it's difficult to argue that if there is a SAHP available and willing, a 4mo is better off in a nursery.

As the OP has promised the dad she won't be seeking a financial contribution, he actually doesn't need to offer this at all. He could sit on his arse all day instead and not contribute at all. But he wants to look after his son. Sounds good to me. Spending time with his son, and saving the OP a fortune thereby contributing financially as well.

I think particularly for such a small baby, if it's possible to work things out so he can be with a parent, ie his father in this instance, that's got to be the best option. Get the father to come to your home if that's better, or have him 3 or 4 days and nursery for a couple of days.

The huge amount you will save on nursery fees should also enable you to reduce your own hours if that's possible.

It sounds as though you are jealous of the time they would spend together and I really don't blame you, so would I be. But taking a step back and looking at things from your son's point of view and from his dad's point of view, you should try and allow this if you can.

yeah, but if he agrees to come to your house (at least most days) to look after DS and make sure they're always in during your lunchbrake, then the physical distance problem is solved.

I understand that it is annoying that he's not looking for work and it would be ideal if you could both work part-time. However you can't do more than discussing this with him (yet again).

But you have to decide what's best for your son, even if you resent the fact that his dad isn't working and you'd like him to.

How does come to your house? (given he must be skint)

I take your points and I know it doesn't change the issue but I'll be going back to work in march when DS is 10 months, not yet

I think it's pretty obvious that a 4 month old baby should be breastfed if possible, which means he should be looked after as close to his mother's place of work as he can be.

Comparing this man to a SAHM is insulting to SAHPs.

He is not staying at home to look after the child. This is not a joint decision about how finances and childcare responsibilities will be shared.

This is a man who refuses to pay what he owes the mother of his child offering to look after the child on his own terms at the expense of both the child and the mother.

The OP is the sole financial provider for this child and his main carer. She should make the arrangements that suit her, and not the man that is part of the reason she has to return to work when she would prefer not to.

OP, I went back to work when my DD was 3.5 months old, in my case by choice. I would have given anything to have been able to see her during the day and being able to feed her would have meant so much, as well as being better for her.

45 minutes away is too far. The only way I would even consider this would be if he was prepared to look after the child in his own home. 1.5 hours in the car every day for a baby that young is too much. It will put too much pressure on you too. You will barely see your child.

I'll def try to convince him to look after him at my house, I think the reason he has not been keen on this idea in the past is that he'd prefer to be with his mum to ask advice etc (which I don't have a problem with at all I get on great with his mum). He drives to mine I assume he's living off some savings he had for petrol etc. I understand that I've got to put DS's needs / happiness 1st and I'd hate to think that I would do anything other than that, especially out of resentment or jealousy.

By that I mean the child's home. Not the man living off his own mother but who still can't contribute a penny to his own child.

The OP has clarified that her son will be 10mo by the time this happens.

Why would the child's father looking after the child being 'at the expense of the child'? And surely childcare arrangements should suit the child first and foremost, not either parent.

" think the reason he has not been keen on this idea in the past is that he'd prefer to be with his mum to ask advice etc"

Advice my arse. His mother will be doing all the work and he'll be doing the playing.

you have to put ds with capable competent adults and if that is day care then fair enough

if you genuinely have misgivings you have to address them