to want DS to be in dat care when I go back to work rather than go to his dad's?

[BrandonsMummy]

DS is 4 months old and I have difficulty letting him out of my sight ATM! I am not in a relationship with DS's father but have told him that he can visit DS as often as he likes so he comes to see him twice a week.

DS's father has been unemployed for over a year and lives rent free at his mother's house. Although he buys the ocassional gift for DS he does not support us financialy. I'm OK with this and have promised him that I will never go down the CSA route (as he was worried about this when I was pregnant).He has said that he would like to look after DS when I go back to work in March.

I am not warmiing to the idea at all as he lives a 45 minute drive away from where I live and work, day care is 2 mins down the road and I am welcome to pop in on my lunch break to see DS and breastfeeed if necessary.

Also I am going back to work full time because I HAVE to, not because I want to. The thought of it breaks my heart ATM and I would like nothing more than to be at home with DS, but I have a mortgage and bills to pay so that DS can live in a nice place and have nice things. I have exhaused every other option, there are no decent council houses available in my area and I cannot afford to rent privately.

The thought of me working my a**e off 5 days a week whilst DS's father continues to not work and instead is bringing up DS when I'm not there doesn't seem fair, I know this sounds selfish and I certainly don't want to get in the way of their father/son relationship but I would feel mch better knowing that DS was nearby recieving quality care from proffesional nursery nurses.

I have shown DS's Father what I can, and encouraged him to read a parenting book, but all he ever does when he's here is play with DS, I worry that he wouldn't know what to do in an emergency.

So to round up a long post - I would much prefer DS to be in day care when I return to work AIBU?

Brandon'sMummy, just a note of caution. If you let your ex become the primary carer, you'd be in a tricky position if he ever got awkward about contact/residence. God forbid it ever came to that etc. etc. but worth being careful.

Let him look after your DS but make sure he comes to your house to do it. After a week or two he'll probably be begging you to put him in nursery for part of the time at least, when he realises it's not as easy as it looks!

skidoodle, you obviously have a chip on your shoulder and read things into OP's situation that the OP has never mentioned.

For instance:"This is a man who refuses to pay what he owes the mother of his child offering to look after the child on his own terms at the expense of both the child and the mother."

We don't have this kind of information. He might be willing to offer childcare at OP's place, like many other posters have suggested. We don't know how their agreement about him not paying maintenance came about.

And the baby will be 10 months old when the mother goes to work.

"This is not a joint decision about how finances and childcare responsibilities will be shared." "she has to return to work when she would prefer not to."

Unfortunately when it comes to financial and childcare responsibilities a lot of the time parents don't have many choices -whether they live together or not. Thousands of married mothers and fathers are forced to go to work although they would like to stay at home with their babies. And sometimes, in difficult times, you just have to get on with what life throws at you and do the best by your children even if it hurts.

I'm glad the OP has explained that she's not going to do anything out of spite, that makes me feel confident that she'll do what's best for THEIR son. Of course a lot will depend on the father's attitude about childcare, but, as I said already, this is info we don't yet have

Yes he is, mrsjammi. He will be the one spending most time with the child.

"Advice my arse. His mother will be doing all the work and he'll be doing the playing."

So, it's not about the child being looked after, it's about the father suffering.

One thing, completely setting side the shoulds and shouldn't of this are, what if the dad gets a job just before the OP's return to work date or a few months down the line and the nursery the OP has chosen is full?
She is left high and dry without any childcare.
I honestly only think this is going to be a good idea if the dad is going to commit to doing it long term. The OP also says that he doesn't do much to look for work so really is he commited to doing this or does he see it as an easy option so he doesn't have to get a job?

LOL Pjmama I an actually see that happening well if anything I've certainly got people talking!!!
DS's father and I are not at war - we get along and I enjoy seeing him bond with his son. When I found out I was pregnant it was a big shock to him and his initial reaction was to ask me not to "come after him" for money and I had agreed - I was more concerned at the time about making him feel better about the situation and preventing him from freaking out completly. Since then he has fallen completly in love with DS but is still not earning money and I feel that I should not go back on our agreement.
I think what I am looking for doesn't exist - a solution which suits everybody! but I understand and compleley agree that when compromises are made thet should always be to the advantage of DS - no-one else. I also agree with the poster who mentioned tax credits - I won't be claiming the childcare element unless both DS's father and I are working. It's interesting that no=one has mentioned the potential social advantages of DS being in a nursery from a young age. I agree that there's no comparison to a parents love but as there are no other children on either side of the family I would definitly like to expand his soical circle! (we already go to a small baby group)

How is it about the father suffering?

Instead of looking after the child at a place that would mean the child didn't have to spent 1.5 hours a day in the car and could still be breastfed and see his mother during the day, he wants to do it at his mother's house. Because at his mother's house he will have access to "advice" that won't available to him anywhere else because what? The OP lives on the moon? in the Antartarcic?

He can just phone his mother if he needs advice.

I thought this was meant to be about what was best for the child?

Or are we back in the old MN land of women bending over backwards to accommodate useless, childish men because we should be so grateful and amazed that they want to spend time with their children?

This man has not ever paid any money towards this child's upkeep. Not one penny in four months. He has accepted a promise that he will never be asked to.

That is not a responsible father. Nobody should be grateful for that.

OP make your own plans for childcare. I don't see how you could possibly rely on a man like this for childcare.

Well, I see what you're saying about the social benefits, but a child this young would definitely be better off with a loving parent, being cared for on one-to-one basis and interacting with other children for one or two hours in baby groups (later maybe messy monsters or whathaveyou)?

Would the dad consider going with you to the baby group a few times before you go to work so that you introduce him and he feels more at ease to take DS there on his own?

There are a lot of activities they can do in order for DS to socialise, he doesn't have to be in nursery for five full days a week.

Would the dad consider paying towards the care of his child at any point in the next six months?

Or is he planning on freeloading right up until the point when you are forced to return to work?

I think a 45 min drive is the dealbreaker.Otherwise a wonderful solution You could have cut down your hours if you were saving on childcare costs and your baby woyuld have been being looked after by someone who loves him.is there any possibility he could meet you halfway ?

Another point is of course how this affects his jobseeking status. Does is count as work to look after his child? As far as i remember, when I was on JSA for a short time, I had to be available for work, regardless of ds, no allowances were made for child care or lack or it, and I I think he can on get iS if he is the custodial parent.

Be very careful!

Is he planning to use his need to care for your DS as a reason for not seeking work?

I must admit that I'm not fully up to speed on maintenance issues any more but if he tells JCP that he can't be available for work because of your DS and you are in full time work you could possibly find that his case is referred to the CSA (or CMEC as they are now) by JCP as he is the one on benefit and you may have to pay him some maintenance to offset his benefit!

Crazy I know but entirely possible I think. Get some advice from an expert benefits advisor!

Madamedefarge makes the point about JSA. If he isnt actively available for work he shouldnt be claiming it. The jobcentre may make allowances for child care commitments but as he is not the one who the child lives with I expect this would be limited.
He would still need to be available for at least 16 hours per week.

Wickedwench. Dont worry that would never have happened in the past or present.

A maintenace application is no longer mandatory when making a claim to benefit now and as he is not the one receiving CHB it wouldnt have been the case in the past either.

Well I did say I wasn't fully up to speed!

Just to respond to B'smummy about social advanatages of a full time nursery place for a 10 month old. I agree with Mummygirl. I don't think there are any advantages for a child of this age to be in full time nursery. In fact I believe the reverse to be true. Children don't really need social interaction with other children until 2.5 - 3 years. Babies under 3 ideally need one to one care with an adult who is physically and emotionally available to them. As I said before I think nurseries cope with the physical aspects of a child's care but not the emotional aspects - there just isn't the time with the child/carer ratio. By definition it is institutionalised care and this is not what babies and young children need.

BrandonsMummy - you might like to read "Why Love Matters" by Sue Gerhardt which is a fascinating book about child development and the effect of early life experiences on a child's development which have an effect throughout the lifespan. There is another book addressing the issue "Should under 3's go to Nursery" but I can't just remember who wrote it - I'll look it up and post the author.

Raising Babies: Should Under 3's go to Nursery" by Steve Biddulph. If you look it up on Amazon there is a review of the book by a nursery worker who says the book has completely changed her view of nursery care. She points out that what Biddulph says in his book that babies and young children get approx 8 minutes of one-to-one care in a typical nursery day is absolutely true and no matter how dedicated the nursery staff there is just not the time to give babies and young children the attention that they need. Anyway have a read and see what you think.

Biddulph uses some very flawed research in that book, mixed with a huge amount of baseless opinion. Most of the research he (and others) cite into outcomes re childcare use are based on much lower quality childcare settings in the US, and not on more accurate European settings.
It's an interesting read alright, but I'd take it with a lare pinch of salt tbh.

I think babies are much better off carde for by a parent (when available) than a nursery. I think the ideal would be both working part time and sharing the care or maybe half the days in the nursery and half with dad. Is he looking for work?

I am sorry but he sounds like an immature prat, 'dont come after me for money' how old is he?

I agree with everything skidoodle has said, i would not be making a 10 mth old commute 1 and half hours a day, you do what suits you and your ds best op, and when his useless father decides to get off his lazy arse and get a job he can start contributing financially and take some of the burden from you that way. My guess is his mother would be doing most of the childcare anyway.