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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to take part in the religious part of a wedding........

103 replies

SqueezyCheesyPumpkin · 16/10/2009 23:22

OK, go easy on me.

Summary - friend having a catholic wedding. I am to be a witness. She is insisting that I do the whole religious ceremony thing, the bread, wine, crossing myself, praying etc etc. (am sorry, if there is a term for that, I don't know it). The wedding is abroad in a very catholic country.

I am totally not religious, don't believe in God. However, I respect that this is the wedding she wants and support her in that, but why do I have to do the whole religion thing? I'd feel like a complete hypocrite?

How do people get around this kind of thing?

OP posts:
BetsyBoop · 17/10/2009 15:40

your friend is being very disrespectful of you, her supposed religion & all the catholics who will be at the wedding.

It's fine that people stand/sit when others do & bow your head & think happy thoughts for the couple during prayers, and even join in with the hymns if you fancy, and most reasonable folks will do something along those lines.

However to actually ask you to take communion is totally wrong. Even if you were a went-to-church-every-day-other-denomination-of-christian then you wouldn't be allowed to take communion in the RC church. I can't imagine the priest would be very enamoured with that suggestion either...

Perhaps if she is that bothered what her to-be-in-laws will think she can just tell them you aren't catholic & leave them to happily assume that you are CofE or whatever....

Either that or make sure you are holding her bouquet (and yours) to make it all "impossible"

FABIsInTraining · 17/10/2009 15:43

Maybe she is pregnant so has had to bring the wedding forward....

Is the groom Italian?

Original poster
SqueezyCheesyPumpkin · 17/10/2009 16:35

They are both Italian and a really great couple. She's not pregnant but one of the reasons she wants to bring it forward is to start ttc soon after the wedding, they both want children asap.

OP posts:
FABIsInTraining · 17/10/2009 16:40

She is wrong to make you do something you don't want to do.

She should know you can't do it anyway and is asking you to lie. Great friend.

WebDude · 17/10/2009 18:35

SCP - stick to your guns on this, and as you will need to go into the church, just sit through the communion, and please don't feel pressured one bit. Your friend should be grateful that you are travelling to her big day, and let's hope it all goes off well.

I was baptised and confirmed, as a Catholic, but had no wish to believe in a religion and spoke to my Mum one Sunday evening on the way to church (about 100 yards away) so we spent the next hour or two walking down to the canal and discussing religion and faith etc.

She had been brought up as a Methodist, but converted to R.C. before marrying her first husband (widowed in 1939, age 19, with a child on the way), as he was from Dublin and R.C.

Like you I would feel like a hypocrite to participate in some parts of religious services, and felt it so strongly that when our Mum died, my sisters and the priest arranged the service (her body went to medical research, so there was no 'funeral' service for her fellow parishoners to go to - they were somewhat shocked!).

Anyway, service went ahead, and I just made sure that things in the adjoining hall (hot water for the tea/ coffee, and cutlery, etc) was all ready for when they came out.

babybarrister · 17/10/2009 18:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HerBewitcheditude · 17/10/2009 19:09

What is a guestzilla?

a person who wants to be treated as a person at someone else's wedding, not as a prop?

thesecondcoming · 17/10/2009 19:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mamakoukla · 17/10/2009 19:19

Squeezycheesypumpkin, the term catholic loosely translates into all-encompassing. It is meant to be a religion of tolerance and acceptance.

Your friend needs to understand that you cannot under any circumstances take holy communion (bread and wine).

You may participate in the Mass. To be honest, by kneeling during the appropriate times in a Mass, you are not necessarily showing a belief in a given faith but you are showing a respect to somebody else's beliefs. If I enter a mosque or Hindu tmeple, I (within reason) respect and observe their culture and beliefs.

If this continues to be an issue, make an appointment to see a RC priest with her. The wedding in a church is about their union in the presence of God. Nobody will be upset by non-catholics; we realise they exist too!

On another note, I (RC) married a non-RC christian in a RC church. His side of the family followed the customs of Mass (kneeling, sang hymns etc) and at the time of communion were invited up for a blessing if they wished to do so instead of receiving communion.

Personally, I would say participate in as far as you feel comfortable and as long as you are not being disrespectful, nobody will have a problem with this.

Original poster
SqueezyCheesyPumpkin · 18/10/2009 10:43

Thanks for the advice, really appreciate it.

I don't agree with a couple of things though I have to say. The guestzilla thing, well, I wouldn't say that not wanting to basically lie my way through a religious service is guestzilla tbh. I am more than happy to be polite and take part in the service, like I said, I have been to lot of religious weddings that have been lovely and it has never been expected that I'd take communion etc.

Also, tsc - I am not slagging my friend off, I asked a sincere question here. We have the kind of friendship where she knows exactly how I feel and I know how she feels because we talk about everything. I have not said anything here that I have not said to her face already as I was in Italy 2 weeks ago to help her make plans. My fried was a fantastic support to me through my own wedding and I am there to do the same for her. I will not pretend I am religious though. My friend is very dear and important to me and just for the record, I would not 'slag' her off.

OP posts:
shockers · 18/10/2009 10:56

The priest won't let you take communion if you're not baptised catholic.I work in a catholic school and am baptised CofE... I'm not allowed to take communion with the children I care for or the teachers I'm friends with. When I questioned this, I was told that catholics truly believe that the bread/wafers and wine become the actual body and blood of Christ rather than it being a symbolic gesture. Our Priest even said to the children that if ever they wanted to talk to Jesus they could come to the cupboard where the host is kept and have a chat with him. This in mind, I couldn't possibly join in because I personally don't believe that to be true. They do... and I respect that.

HerBewitcheditude · 18/10/2009 11:14

Don't worry Squeezy you don't sound like a guestzilla.

The wedding industry has been so successful at indoctrinating people into believing that the whole point of being a bride is to turn into a tantruming, spoilt, selfish, inconsiderate brat with celebrity delusions for a day, that any demand of any guest should be instantly complied with, however outrageous.

Luckily, there are still plenty of people around who haven't fallen for this.

Good luck with your diplomatic mission.

vvvodka · 18/10/2009 11:17

if my friend meant a lot to me, then i would do the whole shebang, if i could. however, i honestly do not think i have any friend in real life i actually would. ie, in theory i think i would, but in practice, i dont know anyone i feel sstrongly enough about to do this for.

mathanxiety · 18/10/2009 18:38

I am puzzled over the friend's lack of integrity in this matter. Is this out of character for her?

KimiTheThreadSlayingAxeKiller · 18/10/2009 18:50

I would tell you friend that you are unable to be her witness as you feel it would not be right as you do not have a faith at all.

Beveridge · 19/10/2009 00:36

Surely it's much more of an insult to everyone with these religious beliefs to 'just go along with it' than to show respect by being there and treating the process seriously but not actually undertaking any symbolic acts?

pigletmania · 19/10/2009 00:59

Are you a Catholic! If you are not you cannot take communion. Its up to you if you cross yourself. Gosh your friend sounds a bit of a Bridzilla, you cant pretend these things its wrong,TBH she should not have a relisious wedding if she thinks 0n this way. On the day just ignore her and do what you feel comfortable with.

scariboo · 19/10/2009 17:16

You sound like the best kind of friend, SQP! I hope you both find a way around this problem, which shouldn't in fact BE a problem but I suppose your friend loves you & wants you to be a "true" part of her & dh-to-be's religious ceremony. What she needs to realise is that pretending to believe in something or some One just to please her is a betrayal of your friendship and to your own self. It actually makes a mockery of her marriage for you to pretend. The love you have for her is the most important! All of Christianity is based on the concept of God being love. Bearing false witness is a sin. Remind her!

OrmIrian · 19/10/2009 17:24

If you don't beleive why does it matter? Just go along with it - God isn't going to blast you for your hypocrisy since for you he doesn't exist . It's the flesh and blood people that matter.

Anyway in a Christian ceremony you can't take the sacrament if you haven't been confirmed.

posieparker · 19/10/2009 17:34

Religion is not meant to divide people and alienate friends and so I would insist that it is offensive to believers if you, falsely take communion and cross yourself but that you would love to attend and be a witness.

scariboo · 19/10/2009 17:38

lol @ "religion isn't meant to divide people"!

defineme · 19/10/2009 17:52

I'm an atheist and I am a godparent to my dear friend's little boy. Her Dad is a canon in CofE and had no problem with me taking part in the entire service-which he took. He reasoned that he'd known me for years and I was the most moral and upright person out of his dd's friends.
I think your friend is perhaps wrong in her expectation that her congregation will be shocked by you not taking part in the religious rituals-they know that not everyone's a catholic after all and you won't be wearing a God doesn't exist badge-they'll just assume you're a noncatholic christian.

However, I had no problem with saying prayers and stuff when I was godparent because I saw it as a ritual and was happy to do it as long as no one who believed it was offended by me taking part.

babyicebean · 19/10/2009 18:23

Just another thought - having been to some very strong Catholic areas you may need to check wether you need to cover your head during the service.We are Catholics and I tend to cover mine during weddings and funerals and if I go abroad.You will need to cover your shoulders as far as I remember.

On the communion side of things unless you have been baptised, made your first confession and had your first holy communion you are NOT ALLOWED to take communion.You can go up for a blessing if you want but cross your arms across your chest and as to the sitting/standing/kneeling try to sit yourself next to someone who goes reguarly and follow their lead.

posieparker · 19/10/2009 18:42

Should have read religious unions

Bubbaluv · 19/10/2009 19:08

I'm athiest, but would go along with whatever my good friend wanted for the sake of making her happy on her wedding day. I would also dress up as a medevil princess if that's what she wanted - I know I'm not a princess, but hey ho.
I could see your point if you had strong religious beliefs that contradicted hers or forbade your participation, but as you're a non-believer, I would just go with the show.