To not want to take part in the religious part of a wedding........

[SqueezyCheesyPumpkin]

OK, go easy on me.

Summary - friend having a catholic wedding. I am to be a witness. She is insisting that I do the whole religious ceremony thing, the bread, wine, crossing myself, praying etc etc. (am sorry, if there is a term for that, I don't know it). The wedding is abroad in a very catholic country.

I am totally not religious, don't believe in God. However, I respect that this is the wedding she wants and support her in that, but why do I have to do the whole religion thing? I'd feel like a complete hypocrite?

How do people get around this kind of thing?

You cant do communion if you're not catholic so you wouldnt have to worry about that bit.

The only other thing is kneeling/standing when you're supposed to with the odd sign of the cross and you only genuflect when leaving/entering your pew.

You dont have to make a big show of it, but oing through the motions for the sake of your friend's big day surely isnt that big a deal.

In saying that, I had a Catholic wedding but my dh and some of our friends arent but they did kneel/sing and what have you (probably so they didnt stick out as the only ones not doing it )

Tbh though I wouldnt have been offended if they didnt - its my religion not theirs.

I agree that it's a lovely ceremony and not taking part in mass won't be a problem. I've been to loads of Catholic weddings and never felt out of place.

My friend got married in a Catholic church and chose to receive a blessing as did her family so that they went up with the groom & his family but that was entirely optional.

Absolutely, Shonaspurtle. Expecting people to pretend to be Catholics so that they can take a communion which they don't want and to which they aren't entitled (for want of a better word) is the very definition of Bridezilla. And incredibly offensive.

I think you should tell her now that you don't want to do the religious stuff. If she really is devout, she wouldn't want you to, surely. But be her friend in every other respect. You shouldn't compromise your beliefs and nor should she. If you didn't feel very strongly then go along with it, though.

FWIW, when DH and I got married (I had been divorced) we had a civil ceremony abroad: it was lovely, no rellies, no friends, just an elephant and a beach - heaven. We had a blessing a coupla months later, with the full CoE works. My BF is Catholic and she did the reading, it was lovely. DH and I are both lukewarm CoE believers if pushed.

I didn't ask atheist or disaffected friends to participate in the blessing as I didn't feel it would be right. Do what you feel is right, but don't trample your friend for a cheap "score".

Oh I feel like I'm going into rant mode. She only got confirmed herself a couple of days ago (because the priest told her she'd need to do that to be able to have the catholic wedding), hasn't been in a church for over 15 years, lives with her partner and obviously takes contraception etc.

So I guess part of me thinks that she herself is being a hypocrite and is expecting me to join in. To me it feels farcical but maybe it is me who is in the wrong to think that?

She has no intentions of ever being a practising catholic, it is all for this one day. I just don't get it.

So it's more to do with your attitude to her apparent conversion? that's fair enough, but still, would it kill you?

Is it really that mortifying to you to go along with her wishes on her day? Not like you've got to put any particular effort into it.

If this is a bigger issue of her recent changes rather than her constant religion, have you talked to her about how it will make you feel on the day?

Oh, well, she is being a hypocrite, really isn't she in that case. Spect she wants the putative kids to go to the local good catholic school. There is a lot of that round here (rural MC SE English area, but all the primary age kids have miraculously become Catholic converts).

Yes, I talked to her, she just says it is 'the done thing', that people (their parents etc) will expect it. She does listen to me, she just doesn't accept what I am saying and makes out it will be so bad if DH and I don't partake.

I can't see myself doing it TBH, I feel strongly about not being a hypocrite or being disrespectful to the religion by pretending.

Honestly, I'd just nod & smile & stick to your guns.

I've got precious little respect for religious belief, but IME people with deeply thought out religious convictions do NOT impose them on other people, because they genuinely value them.

So (however daft I might think their beliefs, & this is not that argument) I behave respectfully & courteously if I'm in a place of worship, but I don't 'do' worship because it would be disrespectful & verging on taking the piss for me to do so.

Your friend needs to get her head around the notion that she can indulge in the pointless photogenic ritual of her choice for her Big Day, but that others take it a little more seriously, & won't participate if they aren't believers.

YANBU. I wouldn't do any of the things that she requested of you and I was baptised and confirmed as a Catholic.

I think it's disrespectful to one's own belief,or lack of, to act out something that you have no faith in, and potentially offensive to those who do believe.

Just don't do it. I definitely wouldn't. I have never done anything ever which offends a dearly held principle and I wouldn't. So don't do it, either tell her straight or come up with an excuse.

From a site for Catholics.

Who can receive communion?

First, you must be in a state of grace. "Whoever, therefore, eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Lord in an unworthy manner will be guilty of profaning the body and blood of the Lord. Let a man examine himself, and so eat of the bread and drink of the cup" (1 Cor. 11:27?28). This is an absolute requirement which can never be dispensed. To receive the Eucharist without sanctifying grace in your soul profanes the Eucharist in the most grievous manner.

Second, you must have been to confession since your last mortal sin. The Didache witnesses to this practice of the early Church. "But first make confession of your faults, so that your sacrifice may be a pure one" (Didache 14).

Third, you must believe in the doctrine of transubstantiation. "For anyone who eats and drinks without discerning the body eats and drinks judgment upon himself" (1 Cor. 11:29). Transubstantiation means more than the Real Presence. According to transubstantiation, the bread and wine are actually transformed into the actual body, blood, soul, and divinity of Christ, with only the appearances of bread and wine remaining. This is why, at the Last Supper, Jesus held what appeared to be bread and wine, yet said: "This is my body. . . . This is my blood" (Mark 14:22-24, cf. Luke 22:14-20). If Christ were merely present along side bread and wine, he would have said "This contains my body. . . . This contains my blood," which he did not say.

You can tell her that she's talking a lot of waffle about it being the done thing to receive the Eucharist when you are not a Catholic.

I've never known any Catholic to expect or desire a non Catholic to receive Communion at any wedding or service. It's discouraged actually.

What the wombat said. Receiving communion as a non-believer is absolutely not on. Standing with head respectfully bowed when others are going through their prayers seems about the most you can do. Taking communion would be totally disrespectful of the real faith of the other participants.

Exploit the fact she's only converting for show to your advantage.

"Bridezilla, as a proper Catholic I would have thought you would have known

My advice is to nod and agree to what she says and do what feels natural when you're at the wedding. If it feels natural to go up and receive communion, then do it, if not then don't, will your mate notice - no.

With the whole kneeling, standing, sitting business well if you can't be bothered with it just stay sitting, will anyone notice - no.

You've got to go, she's a mate;. I just hope that they have planned some good music, cos that's what makes a religious ceremony real for me!

She's been not too bad TBH (apart from this). She brought the wedding forward by 6 months so now there is a sudden mad rush to get everything organised and she's in a complete panic about everything.

just think of it as an elaborate doing the Hokey Cokey and go along with it

I had this to a certain extent two days before my Catholic wedding (as a child bride, obviously) years ago. Am long-divorced btw. My ex-h decided he didn't want to be a hypocrite and asked the priest if we could have the wedding "without the God bits". The priest said he would love to oblige, but would "be in shit street with the Bishop", and that he should just mentally cross his fingers. I took the view that if even the priest could see it was just a ceremony, then it would be churlish to feel too principled about it, and we had the wedding my upbringing encouraged.

Same as I told dd1 when she made her promise at Brownies- just think of your own verion of God- karma, the power of the universe or whatever, and suck it up. Not ideal, but realistic.

What boggles me so much about this is it seems to be only Christians who would even dream of asking other people to do something like this. If you as the default white-liberal-Brit-agnostic went to a Sikh, Hindu or Muslim ceremony as a dear friend and welcome guest, people would be appalled and freaked out if you started enthusiastically nodding and praying aloud and participating in the whole ritual when they all knew that you didn't adhere to that particular myth system. No one except a complete loon minds that wedding guests may have different beliefs or be free altogether from religion; the most that is expected is you don't fart in the ritual silence or answer your phone dring the prayers.
I certainly wouldn't do it. I would say that I don't believe in gods or fairies and while other people are at liberty to do so and I will indeed be quiet and polite while they are doing their whatever-wierd-shit, don't expect me to join in.

To the OP-sorry I couldn't do it. You shouldn't either. If you are not Catholic then you don't do the drinking of wine, breaking of bread etc. Only those of the Catholic faith are expected to do this.

Can i ask is the very catholic country ireland?? Or are they gettin married n rome by da pope, sumit like dat?? Cause it makes a big diff where ur doin it... Jus im irish, raised catholic,not now tho... But its alot more relaxed here, alot of 'show' as they say round my way... My brothers ex was raised a jahovas witness (sorry cant spell) & went to both my granny & uncles funerals years ago & did not genaflect or cross herself but stood & knelt when every1 else did & jus stayed seated while others went to recieve... The priest wud av bn highly offended if she had tried to recieve... The witness at a catholic wedding r the bestman & bridesmaid they hav to stand at the top of the church the whole mass next to the bride & groom, when the religious ceramony is over they sign the book... But the priest will talk with u before the ceramony,he will ask u straight out about ur religous history, would u b able to lie to his face? Make up a catholic upbringing?? Christening... Communion... Confirmation... Etc??!!

She's being a bridezilla, but maybe she's dealing with a curmudgeon of a priest if he insisted she got confirmed and all that just for the formality of it? Maybe the priest has a notion in his head that all the witnesses have to be Catholics or he won't perform the wedding? Maybe she has lied to the priest about your religious affiliation?

Your friend is being disrespectful to you and her religion, and wildly out of touch with what Catholic weddings are really like.

I've been to many, many Catholic weddings (I'm from a large Catholic family and DH is Irish and Catholic) and a large chunk of people don't genuflect, cross themselves, take communion, kneel etc. I don't know the reasons why in each case and no-one's that interested, tbh. For communion, I guess possible reasons could be:

• aren't Catholic
• don't feel like doing it (DH is loathe to join in sometimes if he's very grumpy)
• can't do it (e.g. forgot to fast an hour before communion, or feel the need to go to confession first)

As for the other stuff, no-one will even notice.

If all of this gentle logic doesn't sway her, tell her that if she's interested in outward appearances, what she's asking you to do could be counter-productive: as others have pointed out, you can't take communion if you're not a Catholic. It really is a big deal. Does she want to risk a scene by you trying to blag communion? (Although truthfully how's the priest going to know if you're saying the wrong thing because you're foreign or because you haven't a clue what you're doing.) But if she's trying to curry favour with the old Catholic ladies, and they knew you weren't Catholic but took communion, you could both be in for a world of tutting and deep sighs.