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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

New parents being v sniffy re visitors coming to see the new baby, not them

21 replies

MrsBloop · 16/10/2009 22:49

A good friend mentioned tonight that mutual friends of ours are pissed off that people have gone round to see their newborn, rather than them. AIBU to think FFS, get over yourselves? Wouldn't you be far more offended (if indeed you felt the need to be offended at all!) if people came to visit and completely ignored the baby, or if they didn't come to visit at all??

And I strongly suspect (nah, I know!) I am one of the people who pissed them off, but I thought I made a particular effort NOT to talk too much about baby related subjects or coo too much as I know from past experience that they detest "that sort of thing" .

OP posts:

ladymariner · 16/10/2009 22:53

yanbu, but they are!!!!

pooka · 16/10/2009 22:55

How odd of them. Really strange.

InSync · 16/10/2009 22:58

wierdos

Original poster

MrsBloop · 16/10/2009 23:00

Also (I know I'm bitching but tonight's comment has put me in the mood) throughout her pregnancy, she would get really annoyed if you mentioned it AT ALL. Her being pregnant I mean.

OP posts:

notguilty · 16/10/2009 23:03

Odd people. Visitors (as long as not outstaying their welcome and tiring a new mum) are a joy, bringing kind wishes, flowers and offers to make a cup of tea/hold baby while Mum takes a break/whatever.

YANBU and they are seriously weird and very ungrateful.

inveteratenamechanger · 16/10/2009 23:05

Do you think they are a bit freaked out about having a baby? Is it their first? Sometimes people are so determined that It Will Not Change Their Lives that they don't want anyone drawing attention to the fact that they actually have a baby.

teamcullen · 16/10/2009 23:06

Why would you want to sit and talk to your friends when there is a lovely, cuddly, Johnsons baby smelling baby lying in a basket just waiting to be picked up and snuggled.

YABU next time coo at your friend DH instead

Pyrocanthus · 16/10/2009 23:08

Very odd - new parents are usually quite interested in their baby.

Are they trying a bit too hard to pretend that nothing has changed now they're parents?

Ha!

Original poster

MrsBloop · 16/10/2009 23:19

Yes, it's their first. My friend is very proud of her radical feminist credentials, and I think she felt she had to make a point of not being all 'gushy mummy', even though she does totally dote on her DD. ...but still. Weirdos! Glad most of you agree

OP posts:

BloodshotEyeballs · 16/10/2009 23:24

To be fair though it is hard to go from being the centre of attention to invisible overnight. I hate being the centre of any fuss and even I was surprised how little attention most people gave me as a new mother. It's the first taste of your new position as not the most important person in your little world

inveteratenamechanger · 16/10/2009 23:27

I think if you're determined that your life will not be all about the baby, it's a bit disconcerting when you meet people and all they seem to want to do is talk about the pregnancy/birth/baby.

I did it to a pregnant woman at work the other day - started gushing on about babies and she was a bit and I remembered how irritated I was when I was pregnant and people in a work scenario wanted to bring up the subject of babies.

edam · 16/10/2009 23:29

Silly sods. Am sure they will look back in later years and realise quite how daft they were being.

Morloth · 17/10/2009 14:15

They should probably get used to it. DH & I pretty much ceased existing to our parents once the boy came along.

Sometimes they say hello before rushing off to give him sweets and generally let him know that the universe now revolves around him.

ninagleams · 17/10/2009 14:53

For some reason this really bothered me last night and I didn't figure it out until the computer was turned off so I've come back to respond!

"A good friend mentioned tonight that mutual friends of ours are pissed off that people have gone round to see their newborn, rather than them"

They didn't say this to you, they said it to a friend so you don't really know how it came up, what their intention was in saying it, you haven't experienced their intonation. Were they really pissed off or was it said with a certain resignation? Were they talking honestly about how different having a baby is? You're being a bit unreasonable because you're talking about second hand information so it's what your friend latched on to as well as what was simply said. Go easy on them, if their baby really is newborn than they might be so tired they don't really know what's coming out of their mouthes!!! I don't even remember who came to visit in the first 3 weeks of my DD's life and she's only 17 weeks old!

AnyFuleKno · 17/10/2009 20:56

To be perfectly honest, I felt like this too when I had a baby. We had people over that hadn't been near or by for months or even years.

If you've just given birth, you should expect a bit of support from your friends and family too..interest in how you're doing.

gagamama · 19/10/2009 12:16

Oh, I don't know. On first impressions I would say YANBU, but when you have a newborn, you are perfectly capable of cuddling it and cooing over it yourselves, but it'd be quite nice if someone could get some shopping in or put the hoover round! But they sound like the sort of people who probably looked down on parents because they were childless and therefore superiorly interesting, intelligent and engaging people. I guess the realisation and transition can be slow and difficult.

colditz · 19/10/2009 12:20

I felt invaded by people I hadn't seen for dust when I was pregnant and boring.

All of a sudden they wanted to come and look at the baby - but it was as if that's all they wanted to do. They hadn't wanted to talk to me while I was pregnant, and all my friends basically abandoned me for 9 months, all bar one who isn't interested in babies at all. She visited, she still visited after I had the baby. She came to see me.

Tiny babies don't care how many visitors they get, but lonely soon-to-be-mums do.

isoldeone · 19/10/2009 13:25

lol at morloth

visiting my mother ( always fraught and stressful)
pre baby typical conversation

" ugh look at your hair - you have put on a bit weight - where did you get that ..it looks awful on you - so and so's daughter is having another baby .. sigh" ( repeat as nauseum until self esteem shattered)

post baby (weirdly calm and nice)

" who's grandma's gorgeous boy ...( repeat ad nauseum for length of visit).. ooh love put the kettle on"

bliss

PurpleCrazyHorse · 19/10/2009 15:32

lol at morloth and isoldeone

StealthPolarBear · 19/10/2009 15:40

the only thing that bothers me was when people gushed over DD ignoring (2yo and slightly jealous) DS - he even got "aren't you lucky to have a sister like her?" - appreciate the sentiment, but not the right thing to say!!
Apart from that, no, gush away over her as it gives me a chance to do the same and bore you rigid with how lovely and clever she is.

AvrilH · 19/10/2009 17:17

"All of a sudden they wanted to come and look at the baby - but it was as if that's all they wanted to do. They hadn't wanted to talk to me while I was pregnant, "

snap

I had weirdos DH's friends' wives turning up at my home to see my newborn, the day after we got DD home from SCBU

I was gobsmacked at the intrusion, and lack of consideration, it is like some people have a newborn fetish. They did not even bother to feign interest in my wellbeing.

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