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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that step-grandparents should be called Grandma/Grandad?

79 replies

lucky1979 · 12/10/2009 16:18

Am genuinely not sure what the feeling is on this so would appreciate opinions!

I'm 36 weeks pregnant with our first baby and have had two very wearing conversations recently with my MIL about who gets called what. Both DH and my parents are divorced, and both of our fathers have remarried while mothers have remained single. We live in the same village as my FIL and his wife and see a lot of them, they've been together for over 20 years (she wasn't the OW or anything, they got together long after MIL and FIL had split). MIL lives other side of the country and we really don't see her that much, not through bad feeling or anything, but because that's the way her relationship with DH has been well before I came into the picture, he doesn't make masses of effort to phone regularly and neither does she. Regardless of that, she has been insisting that when the baby comes FIL's partner must not be refered to as Grandma. Her actual words were "I'm prepared to share the baby with your Mum, but not anyone else".

My Mum is fine with my stepmum also being known as Grandma.

Am I being unreasonable in continuing to plan for all four mums/stepmums to be called Grandma (or whatever derivitive of it they fancy)? I think otherwise it will be confusing for the baby once it gets a bit older, and the two stepmums have been hugely welcoming and kind to me and my DH over the years and are very excited and supportive about the baby, I would hate to make them feel excluded. AIBU?

OP posts:
WreckOfTheHesperus · 12/10/2009 16:22

YANBU

DD has a Gran, a Nana and a Grandma - it's a good way of building on those extended family bonds, and I think it can only benefit DD and GPs.

Your MIL is BU...

famishedass · 12/10/2009 16:22

YANBU - it's none of her business what you and your ds called your step-parents.

She wants to be called Grandma, she'll get called Grandma. She can't control what other people are called though

wannaBe · 12/10/2009 16:23

no yanbu. Tell her it's none of her business what other people are called.

I have a step grandad on my dad's side of the family, and as far as im concerned he was always my grandad, even when he and my nan got divorced. Mind you, I never knew my dad's real dad as he was by all accounts a total arse who left the scene when my dad was fourteen.

AvengingGerbil · 12/10/2009 16:25

If MIL wants to be Grandma, that's fine. Let your mum choose what she wants to be called (something different) and stepmum can also choose. There are so many different gparent names that there is no need for proprietorial behaviour over them.

My DS has a grandma and grandpa (generally known as Gma and Gpa) and a Nana and grandad.

Obviously you have scope for a Gran and a Granny as well as a Grandma. Or there is the 'Grandad Tom' variant. I have good friends whose female grandparent was universally known as Bammer...

MIL needs to get a grip.

MorrisZapp · 12/10/2009 16:25

YANBU

The kids in my family have a grandpa, a grandad, a gran and a granny all on my side.

I feel sorry for anybody who thinks that grannyhood depends on genetics.

As already said, she can be grandma all day long but she can't dictate what anybody else gets called.

bluebump · 12/10/2009 16:25

YANBU, my step dad is a grandpa to my DS and it doesn't bother my dad at all. Your MIL on the other hand is being very unreasonable!

happypiglet · 12/10/2009 16:26

YANBU- my DC have 7 grandparents all called Grandma x and Grandad Y (x and y being first names) we couldn't use surnames as my MIL and step MIL have the same surname as MIL never changed hers back after divorce.... be warned though it makes for A LOT of pressies at Xmas!!!

Itsjustafleshwound · 12/10/2009 16:29

Let the kid decide when he starts talking - best laid plans and all ...

YANBU but it is a bit premature to be start talking about names for adults when the child will only be burping, eating and sleeping ..

More importantly, what is the consensus on nappy changing???

Scotia · 12/10/2009 16:29

YANBU, the baby's not hers to 'share' with anyone! Silly old boot

Get your dh to tell her it's your (yours and his) decision.

And congratulations

lynniep · 12/10/2009 16:34

She should sod off. This is 2010 and kids have extended families. How selfish to insist she keeps the grandchildren 'to herself'.

My DS has three sets of grandparents with varying names (Nanna and Grandad, Grandma and Grandad Keith, and then the absent set who have made no effort and are therefore unknown to him...)

How is he supposed to know what the difference is - its unlikely he even understands that this is 'mummys mummy' etc etc.

You are so NBU

AMumInScotland · 12/10/2009 16:40

How kind of her to be prepared to "share" your baby with anyone . Er, a baby isn't something you share. A baby is a person, and a person has a family, and people in that family get to be called "family-type" names.

You'll end up needing 4 grandmother names, but what they are and who gets which will most likely be something which develops over time.

What exactly is your MIL planning to do if you call step-MIL and step-mum Grandma? Is she going to sit in the corner and sulk? If so, she's the only one who's missing out.

LouIsAWeetbixKid · 12/10/2009 16:52

YANBU. A child can never have too many grandparents. As long as no one has the same name then don't worry. Tell her she has first dibs on picking her 'nanny name'. There were three grandfathers and three grandmothers in my family and everyone was happy.

squeaver · 12/10/2009 16:54

I have a friend who became a step-Grandmother at the age of 38.

All the family insist she is called "grandma" in a warm, inclusive kind of way. We all think it's hilarious, of course. But she doesn't.

Btw, your MIL's being a pain. Ignore her and do what you want. Nothing to do with her.

ruddynorah · 12/10/2009 16:56

dd calls her step grandmother by her first name, same as i do.

Tillyscoutsmum · 12/10/2009 16:57

YANBU and your MIL is being extremely cheeky trying to dictate who is called what

Both mine and DH's parents are divorced and remarried and we do refer to step parents as Grandma/Grandad "First Name" - just to distinguish between the four different sets more than anything else

LadyoftheBathtub · 12/10/2009 16:58

YANBU.

I actually think it would be nice for DS to call my mum's new husband grandpa (etc), especially as he has no other grandchildren, but haven't quite managed to suggest it yet for fear of upsetting DP, as his dad is old and terminally ill and doesn't see DS much, and I think it could make him feel his dad was being edged out. So I think you have to do it sensitively, but in your MIL's case she's being very demanding. Your step-MIL has been around for 20 years and it is very like having her own grandchild.

Ivykaty44 · 12/10/2009 16:58

Would it be ok for your unborn child to call someone else mummy - if it is, then fine but if it isn't then please think again.

If my dd has dc and they call her dads gf grandma - I think I would be a tad put out to say the least

Sorry but I would and that comes from someone who had no problem with dd calling her step-mum mum.

Its not rational and your mum says yes and his mum says no - what would you think about it if it was you in their shoes and that is probably your answer.

piscesmoon · 12/10/2009 17:00

Ignore her. Ask each one what they want to be called and go with it. We have 3 sets in our family. I wouldn't enter into a discussion with MIL, just say the 'more the merrier! -and change the subject. I don't see how you can have too many grandparents.

MmeGoblindt · 12/10/2009 17:05

Your baby does not belong to your MIL, so she has no say in "sharing" the baby.

Stand firm against your MIL.

We have a similar issue in our family, my aunt refused to let her exH's partner come to their daughters wedding even though they had been split up for over 20 years. My aunt was annoyed because her partner refused to come to the wedding with her so she did not want to let her ex bring his longstanding partner. Sour grapes, that is all it is.

HeBewitcheditude · 12/10/2009 17:08

The MIL's a loon.

Next.

AvrilH · 12/10/2009 17:08

YABU "to think that step-grandparents should be called Grandma/Grandad"

YANBU in your own personal circumstances, but be nice to MIL about it

TheFallenMadonna · 12/10/2009 17:10

It doesn't matter what they are called. It is the relationship that counts. My DC have two step grandparents who they call by their first names but who are absolutely grandparents to them. Would it cause a problem with your SMIL if she were known by another name? Because, honestly, children are smarter than us about these things I think...

scaryteacher · 12/10/2009 17:19

It depends on the circumstances of how the 'step' gets into the family. My late Dad's wife was referred to by her first name by my ds, as she was not going to be his grandmother, he already had two, and didn't need another.

Linnet · 12/10/2009 17:20

My dad and my FIL are both remarried and my dd's call their wives by their frist names as do I. So they have grandad and Bxxxx and Grandpa and Sxxxxx.

I don't think that your mother in law has any say over what you decide your baby your decision.

FrightsMonth · 12/10/2009 17:26

Do the step-grandparents have their own grandchildren?

MIL's husband doesn't, actually he doesn't have any other family except through MIL, and he is fondly regarded as an honorary grandad, by everyone, including both the other grandads.

FIL's wife has her own grandchildren and i don't think anyone in the family regards her as grandparent to my DC (although she is lovely to them). I have no idea what her grandchildren call FIL.