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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that step-grandparents should be called Grandma/Grandad?

79 replies

lucky1979 · 12/10/2009 16:18

Am genuinely not sure what the feeling is on this so would appreciate opinions!

I'm 36 weeks pregnant with our first baby and have had two very wearing conversations recently with my MIL about who gets called what. Both DH and my parents are divorced, and both of our fathers have remarried while mothers have remained single. We live in the same village as my FIL and his wife and see a lot of them, they've been together for over 20 years (she wasn't the OW or anything, they got together long after MIL and FIL had split). MIL lives other side of the country and we really don't see her that much, not through bad feeling or anything, but because that's the way her relationship with DH has been well before I came into the picture, he doesn't make masses of effort to phone regularly and neither does she. Regardless of that, she has been insisting that when the baby comes FIL's partner must not be refered to as Grandma. Her actual words were "I'm prepared to share the baby with your Mum, but not anyone else".

My Mum is fine with my stepmum also being known as Grandma.

Am I being unreasonable in continuing to plan for all four mums/stepmums to be called Grandma (or whatever derivitive of it they fancy)? I think otherwise it will be confusing for the baby once it gets a bit older, and the two stepmums have been hugely welcoming and kind to me and my DH over the years and are very excited and supportive about the baby, I would hate to make them feel excluded. AIBU?

OP posts:
mumeeee · 12/10/2009 23:03

YANBU. It is fine for all four Mums/Stepmums to be called Grandma. Just go with what you want to do and ignore your MIL/

StewieGriffinsMom · 12/10/2009 23:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

StrictlyBoogying · 12/10/2009 23:12

YANBU. My DD's have Granny, Grandma, Gran, Papa, Grandad and 'Grumpy'. They see far more of my Step-father than my Dad so I feel it's important for them to have a special name for him. They adore each other and it wouldn't feek right if they called him Jim.

My friend's kids call their step-Grandparents Papa John and Granny Jean and the biological Grandparents are just Grandpa and Grandma. I think that's maybe a compromise.

legspinner · 13/10/2009 07:16

OP, YANBU.

Am firmly in the camp of letting each of them decide what they should be called. My DH's stepfather is Grandad Jim, whilst his stepmum is adamant that she should not be called Granny / Grandma as she doesn't want to "steal" the name (although we don't see it like that, and neither do the biological grannies!) So she is known by her first name, her choice. We have 1 Grandma, 1 Grandpa, 1 Granny, 1 Grandad, and 1 "first name".

I don't think really anyone else can dictate what they should be called!

raindroprhyme · 13/10/2009 09:05

my DS1 has many sets of grandparents as marriage isn't a family strong point.

he also has a 'Graunty' my Gran's best friend who has been more apart of his life than any of his proper grandparents!

kids need lots of people to love them it is irrelevant what they get called or if they are really related.

stealthsquiggle · 13/10/2009 09:18

One little boy I know with a reasonably complicated selection of Grandparents calls his maternal Grandmother "normal Nanny"

Original poster
lucky1979 · 15/10/2009 22:59

Thanks everyone! Am going to go ahead with the (small) compromise of letting MIL pick whichever title she wants and keeping that for her, then all the far more obliging other mothers and step mothers can be called what they like of the many other Grandma type titles

Think will give her pretty short shrift if she continues to object to "sharing" the baby. Intend to apply the principle of "If you can't share nicely with everyone then you don't get to play"

OP posts:
floatyjosmum · 18/10/2009 20:02

have to say my dc dont call my stepdad or stepmum grandma or grandad but this is prob more to not really seeing them.
but they both call there stepgrandads (have different dads sp loads of grandparents in this house!) grandad.

children learn to call people different things as they get older and they stick!
'big grandma' (really my grandma) is about 5 foot nothing and is actually smaller than 'little grandma'. and for some reason which ive never worked out my 4 year old dd cslls my mum 'naughty grandma'

id say the mil needs to grow up

mrsjammi · 18/10/2009 20:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

LC200 · 18/10/2009 20:11

YABU to say that step-grandparents "should" be called Grandma/Grandad, because that doesn't work for every family.

My Mum died when I was 36 weeks pregnant with my first. She is my kid's Nanny, even though they'll never meet her. That might be unreasonable, but that's how I feel. My Dad's second wife (who he married last year) is lovely, but she isn't and will never be my kid's Nanny. She is just called by her name, but she knows they love her and she loves them too.

In your particular circumstances, it definitely makes sense to FIL's wife grandma, but I don't think it's a blanket thing that's right for every family.

NanaNina · 19/10/2009 12:11

I agree with whoever said that it isn't really important what relatives are called but how they relate to the child and the nature of that relationship.

I think however there is more to this than meets the eye. I wonder if the MIL is actually feeling envious that her ex's partner is going to see far more of the baby and will end up having a closer relationship with the child. The thing about the name (which I agree sounds wholly unreasonable) might be her way of "voicing" this concern, or really covering up her real feelings, but talking of "not sharing" - I think those words speak volumes - I think she may be worried about where she is going to fit in termns of her relationship with her GC,and feeling some sort of rivalry with her ex's parnter, and not the name thing really. The fact that she doesn't have a close r/ship with her son may be another problem for her, as I think some women in this position still want to have a close r/ship with their GChild.

I know I may be wrong - it's just a thought as sometimes I think it's helpful to "scrape away the top soil" to see what may be underneath.

I know this isn't your problem and you obviously need to be focussing one the last few weeks of your pregnancy and anyway you sound eminently sensible so I am sure it will all sort out in time.

Sassybeast · 19/10/2009 12:14

YANBU - step MIL is Grandma. Mind you MIL is a loon and doesn't see them so she kind of qualified herself out.

jazzandh · 19/10/2009 13:28

WE have Grandpa (DH's late father - died when DS was a couple of months old), then MIL's new husband has always been Uncle Geoffy....he has his own children and grandchildren, so this seemed to convey a closer than normal family relationship, without upsetting other family sensitivities....

CowWatcher · 19/10/2009 13:39

I am in a similar situation, all of our parents are diverced & all re-married. Although we do have a couple of cases of the 'other man' so more delicacy is required. I have insisted that my DD calls the 'real' grandparents by whatever derivative of Grandma/Grandpa they prefer, but that the others are called by their names. I would be happy for at least one of my 'additional' parents to be known as and thought of as a grandparent by my daughter, but not all. So its the same rule for all around here. Agree its difficult but we managed tactfully enough (I hope).

abra1d · 19/10/2009 13:47

My FIL married again after his wife, my husband's mother died. My children call her by her Christian name. But her grandchildren call my FIL Grandad, which caused some from our children at first.

YanknHeadsOffCocks · 19/10/2009 14:00

I'm struggling with this a bit myself. In the OP's case, I agree with the majority that she is NBU and the MIL is being ridiculous.

My situation is that my parents divorced when I was an adult and already living overseas. My mom remarried, and I didn't even meet the guy until it had already happened (they eloped without telling anyone). I don't particularly like his politics/attitude a lot of the time, but he makes my mom happy, and has done for the last 4 years. I get really annoyed when anyone calls him my 'stepdad'. However, I'm not sure what to call him in relation to my 8 week old DS. He has his own grandchildren, I don't know what they call my mother (his 1st wife died). I think I'm ok with him being 'Grandpa A*', but wondering if this will be hurtful to my dad (who was quite upset over the divorce).

Sourdough · 19/10/2009 14:00

I think it is up to you and no-one else to decide who gets called what, but be prepared to check it's OK with the individuals first! FWIW, DH's parents were separated and with new partners. I shudder to imagine MIL's husband being referred to as Grandpa, he's a pain in the arse we endure and without blood ties I'm not going to foist him on my girls as a grandpa. FIL died a few years ago and his partner, who had always been very involved with the family inherited all his money and pissed off. Now nobody hardly ever hears from her, even BIL and his family who still live in the same town. So I'm glad we never labelled her as a granny because it would have confused all the GC (6 in total) who's 'granny' just left them all without a buy your leave.

Sourdough · 19/10/2009 14:02

whose granny. Before I get lynched by the pedants.

Sorry.

fernie3 · 19/10/2009 14:02

My children call my step mother by her name. She has only been married to my dad for 3 years and my own mother is dead so i would have been uncomfortable with her "taking" what my mum should have been. she seems fine with this it has never been an issue.

CarGirl · 19/10/2009 14:05

The great one liner is actually "this is mine dh's baby it is up to us who we share the baby with not you!"

She is a bit barking your MIL

Eddas · 19/10/2009 14:07

It's totally up to you. the parents will have to get used to it.

I have a similar issue. My mum died, dad re-married but his wife(never call her step-mother) will never be called nan/gandma or anything else. She is her name.

DH's parents are divorced. His mum has remarried and her hubbie gets called grandad. He out of all 3 'grandad's' is the one the dc mean when they talk about grandad. He behaves like a grandad. Whereas dad's wife doesn't in anyway behave like a 'nan'

If I were you i'd try to avoid the conversation and just refer to them in the way you choose once the baby is here.

bubblagirl · 19/10/2009 14:08

we have nanny and nanny and there first name grandad and grandad and his first name they all have the nanny or grandad real grandparents without there first name added we found this ok as if they are with grandparent then why should they not adopt the name of grandparent too but with just there name added

bubblagirl · 19/10/2009 14:09

one real nan insists on being called nanna so this sets her apart from nanny and nanny x

smokinaces · 19/10/2009 19:32

we had a rule that there was only one set of grandparents on each side.

both our parents are divorced. I have nothing to do with my father (and havent for 10 years) and still call my stepfather by his first name (even after 18 years)- but my DS's both call him Grandad, as he is "Grandma's Grandad" and they have no other on my side.

My ex husband though has a remarried dad and his wife is just called by her first name by my boys. Its his 3rd marraige, they've been together only a few years and my ex-MIL is still very much on the scene and "Nanny"

Each family is different though.

smokinaces · 19/10/2009 19:33

oh and my mum is a Grandma, ex-MIl is a Nanny so they both had their own special name for the DS's. I was more than happy with this - makes them both feel special and the only one, and thats important to both of them.

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