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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that step-grandparents should be called Grandma/Grandad?

79 replies

lucky1979 · 12/10/2009 16:18

Am genuinely not sure what the feeling is on this so would appreciate opinions!

I'm 36 weeks pregnant with our first baby and have had two very wearing conversations recently with my MIL about who gets called what. Both DH and my parents are divorced, and both of our fathers have remarried while mothers have remained single. We live in the same village as my FIL and his wife and see a lot of them, they've been together for over 20 years (she wasn't the OW or anything, they got together long after MIL and FIL had split). MIL lives other side of the country and we really don't see her that much, not through bad feeling or anything, but because that's the way her relationship with DH has been well before I came into the picture, he doesn't make masses of effort to phone regularly and neither does she. Regardless of that, she has been insisting that when the baby comes FIL's partner must not be refered to as Grandma. Her actual words were "I'm prepared to share the baby with your Mum, but not anyone else".

My Mum is fine with my stepmum also being known as Grandma.

Am I being unreasonable in continuing to plan for all four mums/stepmums to be called Grandma (or whatever derivitive of it they fancy)? I think otherwise it will be confusing for the baby once it gets a bit older, and the two stepmums have been hugely welcoming and kind to me and my DH over the years and are very excited and supportive about the baby, I would hate to make them feel excluded. AIBU?

OP posts:
WurzelBoot · 12/10/2009 17:39

Both of my step parents are called 'uncle/aunty firstname' by my children. Yes this might be considered odd and maybe confusing, but it's how my family work; people important to parents are called aunty whether related by blood or marriage or not (Mum at least is always on the verge of kicking hers out, and he doesn't want to be called Grandpa so fine).

But that's my family, and to be fair, I would find you unreasonable to call me wrong.

With your family, it is unreasonable of your MIL to dictate that you can't call stepmum Grandma. If she gets a say in what she is called, fine - she doesn't get to say for anyone else.

I'd suggest that you just deflect naming discussions that might come up; you don't need the stress.

As for "I'm prepared to share baby with your mother", how extremely gracious of her! Your baby; you can share him with whomever you feel you want to.

Trikken · 12/10/2009 17:42

my ds has 2 Nanas who are our mums and their partners are both 'grandad's', but our dad's partners are called by their first names, we let them decide what they wanted to be known as.

Hando · 12/10/2009 17:42

Ah no, YANBU at all!

This isn't your FIL's bit of stuff, he's been with her for 20 years! Your MIL is BU by trying to dictate who is regarded as family to your baby!

IvyKate; You do realsie that you don;t have to be biologically related to a child to be a loving relative, many mummys are not the borth mothers of their children. Many children have extended family, honorary grandparents, uncles and aunties etc.

You go on to say it's ok for your dd to call her step mum "mum" (which I agree with btw - "step mum" is a bit cold) but then say it's different with grandma? Confused?

Lotkinsgonecurly · 12/10/2009 17:57

To your expected dc he will thrive on having more grandparents. His life will be richer and hopefully yours easier in the long run. But think having grandchildren has probably highlighted the slightly estranged relationship MIL has with DH. Hopefully when baby born she will calm down and all will be well. Let her be grandma but you may end up others or different permutations of.

Hope all goes well.

izzybiz · 12/10/2009 18:07

My Ds has 2 nans, one was always Nanny A, and the other Nanny G.

Dd calls her Nans, Nanny next to my house (she lives down the road!) and far away Nanny, (only the other side of town!!)

My youngest Ds can't talk yet, but Im sure he will come up with what ever names he sees fit!

As another poster said, let your Dc decide what he/she calls all the grandparents!

busybutterfly · 12/10/2009 18:08

Think the etiquette is that your mum gets first choice of name, then the others agree after.

We have Nana (my mum), Grandad (my dad), Grandma (MIL), Grandpa xxxxx (SFIL), Gran (SMIL) and Grandpa (FIL).

Everyone a different name. Btw SFIL's children don't like that we call SFIL by name too but you know what? That's their tough luck

busybutterfly · 12/10/2009 18:09

Oh yes and my dad's wife is called by her first name! Loving extended families

PixiNanny · 12/10/2009 18:11

I grew up with one set of grandparents. I envy your child to be honest! The more the merrier!

BramblyHedge · 12/10/2009 18:16

I have a similar situation. I think you should actually ask the respective people what they wish to be called. My SDad wanted a grandparent name so has one. My SMum is quite young and just wanted to be known as her name. Both were fine with us. Sorry not had time to read all replies so sorry of already mentioned.

TheMissingLink · 12/10/2009 18:23

My dd has 7 grandmothers and 5 grandfathers because of remarrying (and longevity), although my parents and ILs are still respectively married, it's our grandparents and great-grandparents that have been living it up in their dotage.

I think it's fabulous.

Phoenix4725 · 12/10/2009 18:30

my mum remarriedafter my dad dies my older dc was discussed with them they opted for his forstname , younger dc call him grandad jeff .I now have 2 step sisters and couple of nephews mind were not normal family i also have 3 foster sisterrs taht i refer to as my sisters and between them they have 7dc and one of them about have a baby so my mum will be a great nan at 56 lol.

imagine how my stepdad felt he went from 2daughters 1 grandson to now having 6 daughers and 11 graDKIDS

Phoenix4725 · 12/10/2009 18:31

ek my spelling

But it can wor and congratulations

nooka · 12/10/2009 18:36

I think that grandparent names are for grandparents to choose for themselves. So your MIL should decide what she would like to be called, and if that is Grandma, then that's fine. But what other people are called is totally irrelevant to that choice IMO. With your step-MIL and step-mother that's to some extent up to you, but I think that as you obviously have good close relationships if you want them to be grandparents in name as well as deed, and so do they that is how it should be. My MIL died before we got married, and FIL has had a new partner (not married) for over ten years now. But she is not our children's grandmother. In a way I think that is a pity, but I think she felt that she really couldn't/wouldn't step into that "gap". We tried with our children (born several years later - SIL's were tiny when MIL died) to develop some sort of nickname in a grannieish way, but didn't get very far.

The sharing the baby thing suggests that she hasn't really got her head around the concept of being a grandparent yet.

Parmageddon · 12/10/2009 18:38

My dds call their step-grandma by her first name. They even have a step great grandmother who is 'great nanny'! It all gets very confusing, but as they came into their life when they were older, it made more sense to use first names.

WailingGhoshe · 12/10/2009 18:58

When I married DH he was 28 and I was 38, and had been a grandmonther for 18 months, DGd has always called DH Grandad. Admittedly she has never met DS's birth Father so it was never a problem.

insertwittynicknameHERE · 12/10/2009 19:35

DH's parent divorced and remarried when DH was young, our DD1 (DD2 is too young to talk yet lol) calls;
MIL - Gra ma ma = Grandma
Step-FIL - Gra Gra = Grandad
FIL - Gra Gra = Grandad
Step-MIL = Nana
My mum - Nana
My dad - Gra Gra = Grandad
My Nana - Nana T
My Grandad - Well she doesn't really know him

Now this is where is gets confusing, I have adopted grandparents (long story) they have always been my grandparents (even more so than my dads parents TBH) and DD1 calls them nana and grandad.

Not one of the GP's care who calls who what, they are all just happy that our DD's are very lucky and have so many wonderful people in their lives. No GP have a 'right' to be the only one IYSWIM. So IMO YANBU.

DC are not a possession of anyone, including mum and dad. Your MIL is not being very fair at all.

FiveGoMadonTheDanceFloor · 12/10/2009 19:44

My Mother has 15 step grandchildren, some call her Grandma (5 youngest) others call her by her name (all the older ones, I refer to DC's step grandma as Aunt XXX as she is also there great Aunt has not been married to DH's father for very long, and is awful.

JustAnotherManicMummy · 12/10/2009 19:48

I found myself in a step family when I married DH. I always thought it would be quite exotic and was jealous of my friends' parents who were divorced and had girl/boyfriends.

It is disappointingly normal. DS has 5 grandparents. My parents, DH's parents and DH's step mum.

My mother insisted on being Grandma. We took the decision to have a Grandpa and a Grandad for clarity (and because I like it!). The others are Granny and Granny J.

There was a sticky moment at lunch when DS was about 4 months old when FIL made reference to DS being with his "Granny and Grandad" and asked what he would call our parents... and completely disregarded DH's mother (his ex). I hastily changed the subject.

Oh, and Granny J was the other woman... 30 years ago!

Weegle · 12/10/2009 19:59

Another family here with lots of 'extras' - the way we make a slight distinction is they are known as Grandad XXX instead of just Grandad. And Nanny XXX instead of just Nanny. Whereas the blood relatives are Granny, Grandpa, Granny Seaside and Pops... It's all about the relationships they form with the children anyway as that then leads the names in common usage. DS wouldn't have a clue who we were talking about if I said "Nanny XXX and Pops" - he's met them once when he was under 1! The name means nothing.

TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 12/10/2009 20:09

YANBU. She's being silly, it's not for her to dictate- it's not her baby to 'share'.

Maybe have a nana, nanny, grandma and granny?

Then a grandad and grandpa?

We have nana and grandad and then nana-(her name) and grandad-(his name)- he's the stepdad, then we talk about grandad-(his name) who died (DH's dad).

Hulababy · 12/10/2009 20:12

YABU "to think that step-grandparents should be called Grandma/Grandad." Each family is different and they may decide to use other names.

However YANBU to call your baby's grandparents grandma/grandad, inc step grandparents should you wish.

DD has (had actually as she has now passed away) a step great grandma - she was always referred to, by everyone, as DD's Grandma Great. There was never any issue on anyone's part.

ChunkyMonkeysMum · 12/10/2009 20:46

I think it depends on the type of relationship you & your DH have with your step-parents.

My MIL's partner is lovely & is referred to as Grandad by our kids, however my FIL's partner has never been interested in us or our kids and has only ever been known by her name. I'm not sure she'd appreciate being called Nan/Nana/Grandma etc. (She doesn't have kids of her own so doesn't really relate to kids IYSWIM).

It's not your MIL's place to say what the step-grandparents can be called. It is down to them if they want to be referred to as grandparents.

FleeBee · 12/10/2009 21:31

It's good you're getting this sorted now. We had FIL phoning the delivery suite hours after DD1's birth to find out what he should put in the card from his wife. I really was not in the best of moods to sit and debate it.

My parents are grandma and Papa (it was Grandpa but DD1 shortened it and it's kind of stuck.)

MIL is grandma but lives overseas so we don't see much of her.

FIL is Grandad Fred and he wanted his (younger) wife to be Nana Lisa. It's not really stuck and she usually gets referred to as Lisa. It's slightly strange as they had their own DD who is 7 months older than my DD1 so became parents and grandparents in the same year.

2rebecca · 12/10/2009 22:43

Each grandparent/ stepgrandparent decides what they want to be called. Telling other people what name they should have is control freakery. My kids call my second husband's parents by their first names but that's because they came into their lives after they could talk and had grandparents in their lives. Both my first husband and my parents' didn't remarry but if they had I would have expected my first husband and I and the adults concerned to decide on names. Any other adults keep their noses out.
Women can be terribly meddlesome. Why this need to get worked up about something that doesn't really concern you. I'd see it as unnecessary divorce acrimony bitterness.

stealthsquiggle · 12/10/2009 22:52

Each grandparent gets to choose. Them's the rules. If more than one chooses the same thing then they are likely to end up being "Grandma X" and "Grandma Y".

We used to call my father's stepmother (his mother died when he was young) Grandfirstname but that evolved rather than being decided, because my father called her by her first name and DB (I think) decided that since Daddy called Grandad "Dad", she must be Grandfirstname.