to think that my mother should have at least 'fessed up' to smoking in the house again before my asthmatic DS went to stay the night?

[bethylou]

DS1 (18 months) stayed over at granny's over the weekend and came home smelling more smoky than usual.
DH and I are non-smokers and my mother had suggested when DS was born that she would not smoke inside her house anymore so that we would take him round to visit her etc.. This summer she has made him a lovely bedroom there. He loves going.
I asked her today if she was smoking inside again as he had come home smelling more smoky than usual and she said yes, occasionally, a few days before she was due to have him.
I am cross that she would put DS's health at risk (especially as he's already on asthma inhalers) and did not tell me to give me the choice as to whether to send him or not.
She didn't apologise, merely sounded sad after a 'bad day'. She's supposed to be having him for a day this week and I will now be booking him into the child minder (I hope!) instead.
AIBU?

yabu

No, YANBU - but would it be an option for her to look after him at your house?

She has a number of pets that need her to be at home during the day unfortunately. She will always be welcome to come here to play and, if we can sort this out, may still feel that she will come here to have him when I have midwife appointments etc.. if they are only for an hour or so.

Are you saying that your Mum smoked in the house whilst your child was there, or a few days before?

Good question chocho, I think YABU if it was a couple of days before, if it was while your ds was there then YANBU.

" she said yes, occasionally, a few days before she was due to have him."

YABU.

It's her house. She has to be allowed to smoke in her own home when he isn't even unde her roof.

No,YANBU.

If I read this correctly,you only left your son there because you thought that your mother was no longer smoking in the house.

Sorry, she doesn´t deserve to have him if she can´t be trusted not to smoke around him.

Bu diddl she didn't smoke around him. she smoked a few days before he was in the house.

Thought so, and I'd have to say YABU - sorry, is there research that says this is really bad for kids?

I'd just hate to think of any granny feeling accused that she might be harming her DGS, and that she can't take care of him anymore just because she had a fag in her own house days before .

christ diddl - harsh. She didnt smoke around him - she smoked IN HER HOME a few days before - YABU.

It was a few days beforehand apparently (though not sure what to believe now to be honest). All I can tell you is that the house smelt, my Ds's hair and clothes smelt, his favourite cuddly toy still smells, as does everything he took with him.

She had decided she wouldn't smoke in the house anymore so that she could have him round and didn't give me the option to say, "No thanks then" by being honest about changing her mind.

Well, to be honest, I don't think it would have occurred to me, if I was in her position, that it would matter to you at all that she smoked a few days before. I don't think it would be any of your business if there was no harm to your baby, and I certainly wouldn't imagine that anyone would refuse to let their children stay with granny just because they smelt a bit 'faggy' afterwards.

Is it that you suspect that perhaps she might actually have smoked over him when he stayed?

My MiL smokes 60 a day, and it has been a 6 year battle (including my niece/nephew as well as my own DSs) to get her not to smoke near them. Not because she is particularly unreasonable, but because she is genuinely in denial about how unpleasant, and dangerous, it is. I think that you need to bear this in mind - the older generation did not have any of the smoking awareness that we now have, and so the fact that she is willing to not smoke in her house while your DS is there is quite a major step.

Even if my MiL doesn't smoke in the house while we are there, every single thing (even clothes in bags that didn't get unpacked) comes home stinking of smoke. It does seem to permeate their house - permanently. Now that my DSs are not babies any more I'm not so worried about it, but obviously it's a bit different for you with asthma to take into account. However, don't underestimate the importance of the relationship with grandparents as well. Be honest about what you find unacceptable, but also think about how much your MiL is already changing habits for you. Find a balance that suits you all.

Sorry, but if she smoked a few days before,how come he smelt so bad?
Did she never have doors/windows open?

I think it´s a smoker/non smoker thing,isn´t it?

I think a lot of smokers really don´t get how the whole housecan smell, and how the smell lingers.

I suspect she was smoking in the house.

Yes, of course it´s her house and she´s entitled to smoke.

But for me it would be a blow that my mum hadn´t kept a promise to smoke outside for the sake of her grandson.

That she didn´t care enough.

A "faggy" smelling child would be enough for me to not let them stay with granny.

Well I find it odd that it smelt so strong after a few days I must admit. But the OP didn't suggest she didn't believe her mum so it is unreasonable to object to a someone smoking in the house days before the GC stays over.

It's kind of your mother to have your baby to give you a break - I suspect she doesn't do it entirely for her own benefit despite the 'she doesn't deserve to have him then!' type of comment. It's probably quite hard work for her and she's probably thinking 'that's a bit ungrateful!' to your suspicions of smoking and hints that she's being selfish.

Book the childminder and have peace of mind, that's best all round.

But also, whose looking after OPs son whilst her mum is smoking outside?

I´d also say, if you´re not happy, book a childminder.

I think diddl and I are in the minority here, but to be honest, while I appreciate the opinions of others to help me to be calm and reasonable in discussions with my mum, it's not going to change my opinion of the situation.
She doesn't ever open the windows due to pets escaping. I'm not sure whether that was enough to cause everything to still smell several days later, or whether she is not being entirely honest. I don't really want to get into a lengthy discussion with her about it - as you say it's her house.
I wonder if she genuinely thought it wouldn't smell by then as she has no idea how badly it does smell. She was hoping to have DS when I go into labour with DS2 and I'm not sure how I am supposed to give her several days warning of this, unless she intends to stop a few weeks in advance or something!

My DD stays with her granny and grandad on the odd weekend and every item of clothing she brings home smells of cigarettes - and I KNOW for a fact that the GPs only smoke in the yard (they never smoke in house due to the decorating!), it just lingers so long that it's impossible to avoid.

Also when we bought our car we found out later the other owner was a smoker, and despite all my efforts with cleaning, air freshener bombs etc I cannot get rid of the smell, my hands still smell of fags when I've driven it even after all this time!

Maybe Beth, your mum wasn't smoking around DS and it was just the lingering smell?

...still the risks with an asthmatic child are different

Smoking is emotive, isn´t it?

I don´t smoke (can you tell? ), neither does husband, we have no relatives who smoke & only know one person who does-our sons are friends.

She smokes outside & when my son has visited, he always leaps in the shower & puts all his clothes in the washbox, because there is always a smell.

In the OPs case, the asthma is an added worry.

I do not smoke, but I used to. Only non-smokers can smell the awful stale faggy smell that clings to everything in a smokers house. Even smoking outside will make the house smell, she will smell of it and bring it back into the house.

YABU telling her she can;t smoke in her own house a few days (not whilst) your dc stays over. YABVU if you don't let him stay there anymore. She has gone to the trouble of making him his own room and you;ve said yourself he loves going there. A "smell" is not going to harm your child - she isn't smoking whilst he is there.