,, to HATE "your baby, your rules"

[seeker]

A baby is not owned by anyone. It it part of a nuclear family, an wider family, a community.....

Other people have the right to a say in a baby's upbringing. Of course the parents are the ultimate 'authority" but other people should be involved too.

Obviously I wouldn't ban them from having fizzy pop for the rest of their lives, but the baby years are really important. I would be really upset if a very small child of mine (say under 3, maybe longer) was given fizzy pop if I expressly said I didn't want them to have it.

In can be quite helpful to be more relaxed. My DCs tried fizzy drinks early on, (not given them by me) and they didn't like them-they do take a bit of getting used to-this meant that at parties, they were the ones saying 'can I have water/fruit juice/milk please'. This went on until peer pressure makes it an oddity and then they tried them again. It was much better coming from them than being enforced by me. You may not want them to have fizzy drinks, but it isn't the end of the world if someone gives them one at some point.

your baby, your rules I wouldn't try to tell another mum not to let their child have fizzy pop just as much as I wouldn't expect another mum to tell me I should - or heaven forbid allow them to give my child fizzy pop even when I have expressly said I would rather they not have it.

Piscesmoon that's easy to say when your children make choices that you agree with

I think you have to decide certain things for your children at least until they are of an age where they begin to understand the implications of things and can make their own decisions. That would be at different ages for different things. Of course, it's good to take their opinions into account.

i think expect others to do things differently

pick your priorities and don't have cross words or expel friends/family if they don't follow every minutiae and foible of your parebting

lil maximus wont expire because someone offered him sausage roll/pop/crisps

once knew a pallid clenchie who doesn't let her children eat cake/hydrogenated fats/non organic and before they go to anyone house she wants a menu. needless to say i made mistake of inviting her once only

Picesmoon, I so agree with you. People who moan all the time about not having a second to themselves. MY SIL has a three year old who rules the house. She has tantrums when she doesnt want to do something - really dramatic footstamping, fists banging on the floor etc. They dont like to raise their voice or punish her as they dont want to upset her.... I suggested the naughty step but they looked at me in horror. They said they dont need to use controlled crying but they have less than 5 hours sleep most nights as she keeps them up with pleas for water, another story, monsters under the bed etc. I fear she will turn into some bossy little madam at school or even worse the school bully. However, she is their child and they are the ones suffering from lack of sleep so I guess it is up to them.

It was just lucky for me that they didn't like fizzy, juule, but if they had liked it they still wouldn't have got it at home. I preferred that they didn't have it but I wouldn't have been standing behind them at a birthday party saying that they couldn't have it.
I think that the best thing that you can do for your DC is benign neglect-boredom gets the imagination working.
A lot of parents seem very needy-it isn't the child's job to fill those needs. I expect there will be another thread soon where a mother is in tears because her 3 yr old has said 'I hate you!' Giving the child the power to make you cry is very frightening for them-when all it needs is a breezy reply.

Apparently, the most hated phrases in the USA are 'anyway', 'At the end of the day' etc.

I may have to add 'My baby, my rules' for just being teeth itchingly awful.

I think it is fair for parents to ask others to keep the basic framework of what the child has normally (my DS is18m), in order to keep him feeling secure.

We went on holiday to see the ILs recently, in former Yugoslavia, and although we ensured that bedtimes and mealtimes were adhered to (people thought we were amazingly fascist for having DS in bed at 7, but I'm sure they were a bit envious, as theirs went at all hours), we did not try to cut him off from new experiences; in fact, he ADORED being on the farm, eating grapes off the vine, riding on the tractor, etc.

Food, however, was a bit of an issue, and one on which it is well worth standing your ground, for the child's sake. People were trying to offer him fruit juice and things with loads of salt, just endlessly. And what do you know? DS is thirsty for water after he has juice, and didn't like salty things... like prosciutto (bloody hell...)! Poor MIL was trying v hard, but when I decided to make 2 meals - 1 with a little chili and the other a mild Thai red curry, DS ATE them, with great enjoyment! She seemed shocked and a bit upset, and I did feel sorry for her, although I also felt sorry that DS had not always enjoyed what he had been offered previously. ALSO (pls forgive caps), HE HAD A HORRIBLE ALLERGIC REACTION to a crab cake, which I let slip because I was worn out with being so vigilant, and had been beginning to suspect that I was a neurotic control-freak mother. I felt terrible when the poor LO came out in a rash and fever, and had to have 2 antihistamine injections in his bum!

I guess the moral is to keep a look out and don't be afraid to challenge things which are not in your LO's interests (food and sleep are, IMO, the key issues, but your points might be different).

Please don't be afraid to stand up for what you think are your child's best interests.

As far as I'm concerned, whoever is looking after my DD just has to keep her alive until I get back.

I'm pretty sure DD makes all the rules anyway

Haha, tethersend, great that your LO is so good at getting herself looked after! I have probably spoiled mine for others' "TLC"

I don't think the occassional spoiling by grandparents or whatever will do any harm - I have very fond memories of knowing that every time I went to Kent to see my Nana, I'd be getting a box of Jaffa Cakes to munch on the way home, some tacky but lovely plastic toy, and the bag of pennies she'd put aside from her purse to give to me. Just as fond are the memories knowing that going to see Grandad menat cheese on toast at three am regardless - because it was tradition

But surely the parents have the right to lay down boundries and guidelines for the up bringing of their own child? Our first is due in five weeks, and so conversation recently has greatly revolved around how we want things to run, mainly based on bad experiences of our own that we really want our son to be able to avoid. Obviously, we will go with the flow, especially at first, and see what works for us all. But I don't think its unreasonable to say - This is our child, and this is how we want to bring them up.

I don't agree...I carried DS for 9 months, I make the rules!!

I've had to deal with too many interfering people who do not have the right to tell me how to raise my child!

Yes, but as the children get older jjbean, they might actually enjoy being spoilt by a break in routine: it can build memories for life. Like Erika's cheese on toast. Or ds getting to watch far more sport in the holidays than I would ever allow: but it is building happy memories, watching with his uncle and cousins, all cheering on their favoured team. And being taken for a midnight swim by same uncle and cousins, or a walk in the rain at a time when he would normally be in bed. Memories are made of this [swim]

As children grow, they don't want their lives circumscribed by any thoughts of who carried them in the womb: they want adventures and independence!

I think that you are right Erika, but you have to know when to relax a bit, have a sense of humour and go with the flow. You have the DC most of the time and that is what really counts-you can make your feelings plain (in a polite , friendly way) but you shouldn't try and inflict rigid control over everyone who comes near your DC.

I think that cory's idea of childhood is lovely-it is the happy memories that stay with you for life. It is breaking out of the routine, once in a while, that gives you the happy memories. Grandparents have had their go at parenting and the relationship with their DCs is different than as a parent. If I get to be a grandparent I want to be the one who goes off with them and flies kites, not the one that tries to get them to eat their greens. I wouldn't undermine in any way but neither would I want the DC to come with an A4 list of instructions!

The other thing to remember, Erika, is that your ideas of This is how we want to bring up our child may well end up being modified again and again: so you may end up with relatives desperately trying to stick to a list of highly idealistic rules that you have given up on as unworkable months before.

I've been known to use the line "I carried him for 9 months, its up to me" even to DP re my 13 month old son but I'm far more relaxed with DS1 who is 5 years old.

I think if someone is pushing you to do something you really don't agree with (in my case cutting my sons hair) then you are within reason to defend your position. The "my baby, my rules" sometime is as much argument as I am willing to broker.

There have been threads where people have laughed, or cringed, over the 'rules' that they imposed on people with their PFB. Some of them have been hilarious, and the poster has been able find them so on hindsight!

I don't think that you have to defend your position Boys2mam-just say that you like it the way it is and change the subject.

Perhaps we are talking from the perspective of people whose children are of different ages, and this is one reason that our points of view are diverging?

For the record, I think "my baby, my rules" is much more applicable when they are small (see above for applicability), becoming less so as they grow up.

I know what the OP means, I think. Along the lines of, 'it takes a village...' (also a book by Hillary Clinton); that children learn from other people, other ideas, cultures, ages, and that we all have a certain degree of influence?

I agree with Seeker.
First of all I didn't have "rules" when my children where tiny babies. Also "my" rules change, as they children grwo up and change needs/behaviour etc
Third I like to hear other people's input/opinion and I like to think I can change my mind.

But some people have had bad experiences with their own parents that they are too afraid to take any advice from them.

My own Dad announced many years ago when we were babysitting my 1 year old cousin that she needed a damned good hiding, am I likely to listen to him about discilpine I don't think so.

I think that if you have toxic parents it is a different matter, but Seeker is just talking about the average family.
People relax when their DC is older because the DC has a mind of it's own-it is the poor baby who gets the rigid rules. Maybe they also relax later because they are less idealistic and more realistic.

Thanks pisces, I changed tactics and told DP that if it bothered him that much he had to take DS for the haircut (cue him imagining holding the wriggling 13 month old and the screaming that would ensue); end of discussion