,, to HATE "your baby, your rules"

[seeker]

A baby is not owned by anyone. It it part of a nuclear family, an wider family, a community.....

Other people have the right to a say in a baby's upbringing. Of course the parents are the ultimate 'authority" but other people should be involved too.

well i do actually think it is presumptuous to shorten a name without asking the parents, but also agree the parents will not be able to control this forever, and timothy will inevitably end up as Tim to some friends somewhere along the line

Yes you're right seeker although the 'your baby, your rules' is yet another lazy arsed reply that is part of the MN staple.
Others include:
Bored
Troll
Yawn
Gets popcorn
Dons hard hat

Although my dcs, my rules.

But why would you call a child a name that isn't actually their name? Seems a bit bizarre to me.

personally I think grandparents, friends and extended family should respect the choices of the child's parents and unless what they (the parents) propose doing is harmful then other people should butt out and let the parents make their own choices about things like food/routines/names etc.

To try and enforce your own way of doing things is the height of rudeness and I would never do something to a friend or relatives baby if I knew that friend or relative was against it.

It's just not good manners to do so IMO.

Are you familiar with the concept of nicknames? Friends and family often use them and you cannot control what friends and family say.

I mean, c'mon. Is anyone here actually that rude!?

I was called something other than my real name until I was 7. It was even on the school register. Everyone called me it until I decided I wanted to be called by my 'real' name.

The trouble is, it's a very grey area. I hate to hear stories of interfering families etc, and especailly people interfering with the way a parent handles a chils with SN (MaggieBahve, I have a friend with an autistic son and every xmas for the past few years, she has recieved at least 4 arty farty wooden rewards charts to use on him from family members, drives her up the wall, I know where you are coming from!).

But, I am waiting on the arrival of my best friend and her ten month old baby who we are looking after tonight(her older child has medical probs, so we take the baby when things get bad).

My friend has strict rules on sleeping, cc, not too much stimulation, eye contact etc, that I am afraid I just cannot stick to when I look after her baby as it is so different to how I am used to being with babies, and when I have my ds to think of too. I know it is her baby so her rules should go, but I can't listen to a baby I am caring for cry for long periods of time, or stick to all her other wishes when I am looking after him. Dh and I do feel bad lying to my friend when she asks if we have stuck to her rules though

I'm just curious to know quite what you mean seeker. Do you think the nanny state should have more control than it does already in bringing up children?

Should there be state intervention if I disagree with you about teaching a pre schooler to read. Or should my family be put on the at risk register because we want to do extended breastfeeding?

Local authority children who are brought up by the state do noteriously badly in school/ life /health. Life decisions are made about them by commitee. Often the child is caught in red tape.

I believe that if you are letting someone else look after your children, you have to compromise to some extent.

I think that people ought to relax a little more. If it is your DC it is your rules but there seems to be a lot of possessive mums on mumsnet. It is always my baby and the mother wants control of all aspects at all times. This extends to 'strangers' not being allowed to touch the baby, MIL having to wait 3 weeks to see her grandchild because the mother needs to 'bond', mother picking the name that the DC is to call the grandparent, even the DH being told what he must do with his DC while the mother is out-or even worse not allowing DH sole charge of his own baby!
What I find particularly strange is that people can't stand the MIL still being that type of parent and yet they seem set on it themselves!
You baby will survive 2hrs with a family member who loves it-even if they don't follow your instructions to the letter.
(I am not talking about the toxic family here-just the 'normal' grandmother who might do things slightly differently).

Have I missed something, when did seeker mention the state?

I agree with you Seeker 100%, I also get the impression from MN that babies are possessions like a toy that belongs to them and nobody else is allowed to play with.
They forget that children need close relationships with other people who love them. Far too much control freakery on MN, it's scary

sorry but yabu... (unless i was gonna drop my baby off a cliff) in normal circumstances she IS my baby and they ARE my rules. at the end of the day each family has to do what's right for them.. (NOT the rest of the world and its mil!)

mind you, if shes at someones house i don't give a long list of rules either lol

My sil b-fed her baby - not cos it was best for baby, or any other health benefit, but because she didn't want anyone else having anything to do with her baby! Even now he's 13 - he can't do anything by himself, he can't ride a bike, he's not allowed to go out and play with his friends.
So in cases like this, I think you're right - someone should have told her that what she's doing is not fair on her DS, trouble is, none of us dared - she's terrifying

I think you are going to have to jog along with a bit of this and a bit of that, as a family, rather than my-rules-go-regardless-of-the-needs-of-other-people or I-must-defer-to-Grandma-so-as-not-to-upset-her. The way to success is likely to lie somewhere between those extremes. Sometimes the baby's needs are more important, sometimes the mother's, sometimes the extended family's.

I would not have taken MILs advice on weaning had she offered it; otoh when FIL had a heart attack in our front room, obviously his needs came a long way before my baby's routine.

When 4 different families with children at different ages were staying with my parents in the summer, I thought it was perfectly reasonable for them to say: THESE are the mealtimes, rather than to kill themselves trying to fit around 7 different children, all with different routines. And I did feel it was very beneficial for my children to get used to fitting in with others.

But that didn't mean my parents had a say in those parts of my parenting that they did not have to cater for. I have been making polite noises for the last 5 years to my mother's hints that I owe it to my dcs to throw out the fish tanks (my great interest) to make room for the piano, because children without a piano will be at such a disadvantage. That, I think, is definitely a case of my house, my rules. But if a grandparent chooses to use a different nickname to the one I wanted- imho life is too short to argue. And who's to say they won't grow up with fond memories of her nickname and a grounded hatred against the beautiful name I gave them . Though I did put my foot down at Borg. Honestly.

I have never found it does my dcs any harm to be a little spoilt by grandparents at that house: I have complete confidence in my ability to discipline them when I need to.

I think that grandmas/aunties/uncles et al have an obligation to give dcs too many chocolate biscuits/hideous noisy plastic tat/let them stay up a bit too late (all clearly within reason, you understand) and generally go slightly against their parents' rule book.
I would be diappointed if they didn't. But then my dc, my rules

I am glad that I am not the only one who finds it scary!
The thing that I find sad is the mother who says 'we haven't had a night out for 5yrs because we have no family near'-it is perfectly easy to get trustworthy babysitters-it is much healthier for the whole family to use them.
Often the line comes up 'I am devoted to my DCs', and you find that the DC can't play alone because they are never left in peace to be bored.
The other one that riles me is the DC who says (and believes!)'you can't tell me off -you are not my mummy'-I think 'yes I can and I will!'
There also the 'thought police' who not only want to control every aspect of their DCs life but also tells them what to think.
It takes a village to raise a DC-it does them good to know that other people have different rules and ways of looking at things.
I agree 100% with OP.

obviously people like your sil are nuts seaglass but I think things like food, well that should be respected by other people. If I said I didn't want my child to drink fizzy pop then I think I would have a right to expect other people not to give it to them. Particularly if I asked them not to!

I also disagree with "my baby, my rules". You don't become a world expert who knows better than anyone else just because you gave birth.

If there is something that you feel strongly about then you should be able to discuss, argue and generally defend your position. Petulantly saying "it's my baby therefore I'm right" is hardly going to win anybody over to your position.
And if it's something that you don't feel strongly about - then life's too short / choose your battles / any other cliche you care to mention.

Do people actually say that?????

I love it! i will use it when I am feeling in particularly 'psycho-dictator mode'. How wonderful to think there is a phrase which totally alienates anyone who may ever want to come into contact with my DCs and essentially wreck relations as people will be too terrified to approach said darling children.

Excellent turn of phrase. have a funny feeling it must have originated in America.

They say it on mumsnet, RainRainGoAway!
The funny thing is that they can't stand the MIL who treats their house as her own, who tells DH what to do, when to do it and how to do it, and thinks that he married the wrong person -and yet they do all those things with their own DC but at some point they assume that they are magically going to let go one day.
Rigid control and possessiveness are not healthy in any relationship, or at any age.

How long do you go on not letting other people give your children fizzy pop, though? My dcs are now at an age where they do their own visiting and where they are quite likely to appear halfway through the afternoon with a little gang of friends. Barring qenuine allergies (which I am of course always happy to respect), and actual dislike of the friends themselves (which they can inform me about as the occasion arises), I am not prepared to keep a complete tally of whose Mum wants him to drink organic only and who is happy with jam sandwiches but not with crisps. Particularly as the children themselves may not be completely truthful in this respect. Imo (and thankfully in most of my friends' opinion) you get to an age where you have to let go.

"but grandmas often ARE wrong becasue they do not know about lastest guidelines for weaning ages/sleeping positions etc - so their arguement of "i have raised children myself you know" is not good enough"

guidelines - pah!
For DC1, I was advised by government guidelines to eat lots of liver because of its iron content.
For DC2, I was advised to avoid liver because of excessive Vit A.

THe 'experts' aren't always right. Sometimes Grandma does know best (and her advice is usually 'moderation in all things')