to expect dh to help around the house more?

[holytoast]

right, warning, this is a very long rant!
We have been married for 2 years, and together for 7. I am now pregnant after a year of trying, and whilst to begin with, felt a bit poo, now I am feeling better, have much more energy etc. I have always done all the housework, despite us both working very full time jobs, and both of us earning the same.
The lack of him doing anything has always bothered me, and he knows it. we have sporadic weeks when he will feel guilty and help out - for a while he decideed, when I had a bad back, to start doing the washing - this soon tailed off, and now I do it all. he has only cleaned the toilet once in 7 years. he leaves empty cartons on the side, never shuts doors to any rooms, leaves lights on, leaves clothes all over the floor, never seems to understand the concept of picking things up after himself - he will walk over the pile of crap that I leave on the stairs for the next time anyone is going up - this is all, I am guessing, run of the mill stuff - except that riends of minehave mentioned that he is a really bad case - although knowing how bad he was, they say I should be pleased when he does the washing up - a year ago he wouldn't have known where the hot tap was! I do all the shopping, (he doesn't drive) sort all the bills and household finances, and generally keep us organised. It's a bit much, but I do it all because no-one else will. Its not that he doesn't do it if I ask, just that he doesn't seem to get that any of it needs doing!when I ask, its as if I am having to ask very politely, and thank him afterwards - but I do it everyday with no thanks!
Thing is, I can see that at some point I will need to slow down - I am only 12 weeks now, so fine for a while hopefully, but I have my career, and another small business outside of work, which brings in extra money.I also have a burst disc in my back, and sciatica, which can be agonising, so sometimes its just impossible.
He is irish, and whilst I don't mean to be rude, he sufers from having an irish mother - his dad has never even made himself a cup of tea - he actually doesn't know how to!
He does cook however, a fair amount, (he enjoys it - not the cleaning up or putting lids on things afterwards though) and he does do all of our diy (although I do all the cleaning up, the runs to the tip, the wood yard, etc) - we have been doing up our house every weekend practically for 4 years, so maybe I am being unreasonable to expect him to help out around the house during the week? Thing is, he enjoys knocking down walls, building things etc - he leaves ne the jobs he doesn't - like putting up coving! (none of it is up, as a result!)

I just worry that it will never change, I will always have to be the one running around after the children (him included) cleaning up, making sure everyone is wearing clothes, paying bills, and generally being the responsible one!

then again, maybe he is doing his bit, and I should stop moaning and get on with it.

aaargh!
Right, of to the tip, then to clean the toilet...

[stellamel]

God holytoast, that OP could have been written by me right down to the DIY and going to the tip bit - except my OH never cooks either. Oh and I already have 1 DD and am 29 weeks preggers with DC 2, work 3 days a week, college one day and am at home on Fri with DD.

No words of advice, but just wanted to say you're not alone and I FEEL for you! Am off to read the rest of the posts and hope there's some useful advice I can pinch!

[stellamel]

... especially the having to thank them profusely when they do something!

[chegirlknowswhereyoulive]

What about 'just because I dont do things to your standards' - somethings either clean or not fecking clean!

'I cant be expected to look at every bit of washing before putting it in the machine' when he has shrunk, dyed or destroyed yet another article of clothing.

'Well if its not good enough I wont do it then'. Like I have the choice to 'not do it' if someone annoys me.

'I have tried to help you sort it all out but you wont listen to me and do it the way I say it should be done so I just give up' after telling me about his theories on how the housework would be easy if we only did it his way.

Didnt have any of it. Refuse to treat him like a moron who is incapable of washing, cleaning or hoovering. I wouldnt say he does a fair share but he does do stuff. He has an excuse because he has a disability that makes it harder for him. My DSs are also expected to learn how to wash up and iron etc.

[SolidGhoulBrass]

There is no inherent biological difference between men and women that means men can't do shitwork. THey just don't wnat to do it (hey, who does?) so they have convinced women that women are better at it and mind mess more.
Bullshit. I have never lived with a partner, something which makes me happy every day, but of people I have dated and shagged, most of the men have been more houseproud than me. I am a right slob, but that's because I don't mind mess and hate housework. So I do think that sometimes the idea that it's a moral failure for a woman to have a messy house is one you need to lose: when divvying up the chores with a man, it's probalby a good idea to work out first what chores can be dumped or shoved to the bottom of the list (dusting? FFS once a year will do).

[Undercovamutha]

OP - know exactly how you feel. Our house was/is a big rennovation project and my DH has worked VERY hard over the past few years (weekends and evening) to do it up single-handedly (I hate DIY !).
The problem is, for us, that I started taking on most of the household duties to 'free' up DH to crack on sorting the house. However, what has now happened is DH has more or less finished the DIY and has 'forgotten' how to do housework, so I still do nearly everything.
What has worked a bit re. the DCs (3 and 6mo) is that he deals with them 100% re bath/bedtime. By 5.30 I'm normally frazzled and happy to cook tea and clear up afterwards if it means an hour of child free peace.
I think some useless men need set roles every day (like bathing DCs) cos they can't be relied upon to slog away at all the little things that need doing. DO recognise that your DH does the DIY, but explain that you need the same amount of downtime.

On a plus point my lazy DHs passion for lying prone on the sofa comes in very handy for supervising the children whilst I get on with things. He also doubles as bouncy castle/cot!!!

[LadyoftheBathtub]

It is true that agreeing to do a particular set of chores every day has worked well for my DP. He does them because they are routine and "his jobs" as agreed by us both. It has saved a lot of nagging which I used to do before we agreed on this system. He is just very, very poor at seeing things that need doing and fitting them in or doing them in passing - he likes routine. I would not let him get away with less than his share but I think it's OK to work with his tendencies IYSWIM.

[holytoast]

wow! can of worms and opening!

I agree, Mariellas advice was shite - lots better on here!

Well, I just got home from our 12 week scan today, very exciting, but also I think a good way to talk about all the above with the lazy arse my poor misguided, badly brought up, DH.

Have done the dinner - but left the washing up for him and have emailed him at work telling him he can nip to the shop if he wants for anything he needs urgently as I am too tired to do the shopping, and may do it tomorrow.

Am going to discuss possibilty of getting a cleaner once he has finished the major structural stuff - would be far too embarassed to get one now as a thick layer of brick dust all over everything would be a bit much to ask them to sort out methinks!

Like the idea of sorting out jobs in order of things we don't mind doing - I am really clumsy and always break stuff - so he can do the bloody washing up!

Still, its not going to be instant - know that much - it's years of conditioning by his bloody mother that I haven't done a lot to undo!

It is interesting to see that I am not the only one - but also what other people see as normal - especially where situations like mine have been going on for years - which is a really good wake up call for me!
On the other hand, have very good friends, where the husband has, since the wifes first pregnancy, done everything - nappy changing, cleaning, cooking, everything - and all our male friends do is complain that she is lazy and doesn't do her fair share- however we support her by saying 'if it were the other way round, no-one would blink an eye' (however secretly agreeing that she is lazy)
whats all that about?