to expect dh to help around the house more?

[holytoast]

right, warning, this is a very long rant!
We have been married for 2 years, and together for 7. I am now pregnant after a year of trying, and whilst to begin with, felt a bit poo, now I am feeling better, have much more energy etc. I have always done all the housework, despite us both working very full time jobs, and both of us earning the same.
The lack of him doing anything has always bothered me, and he knows it. we have sporadic weeks when he will feel guilty and help out - for a while he decideed, when I had a bad back, to start doing the washing - this soon tailed off, and now I do it all. he has only cleaned the toilet once in 7 years. he leaves empty cartons on the side, never shuts doors to any rooms, leaves lights on, leaves clothes all over the floor, never seems to understand the concept of picking things up after himself - he will walk over the pile of crap that I leave on the stairs for the next time anyone is going up - this is all, I am guessing, run of the mill stuff - except that riends of minehave mentioned that he is a really bad case - although knowing how bad he was, they say I should be pleased when he does the washing up - a year ago he wouldn't have known where the hot tap was! I do all the shopping, (he doesn't drive) sort all the bills and household finances, and generally keep us organised. It's a bit much, but I do it all because no-one else will. Its not that he doesn't do it if I ask, just that he doesn't seem to get that any of it needs doing!when I ask, its as if I am having to ask very politely, and thank him afterwards - but I do it everyday with no thanks!
Thing is, I can see that at some point I will need to slow down - I am only 12 weeks now, so fine for a while hopefully, but I have my career, and another small business outside of work, which brings in extra money.I also have a burst disc in my back, and sciatica, which can be agonising, so sometimes its just impossible.
He is irish, and whilst I don't mean to be rude, he sufers from having an irish mother - his dad has never even made himself a cup of tea - he actually doesn't know how to!
He does cook however, a fair amount, (he enjoys it - not the cleaning up or putting lids on things afterwards though) and he does do all of our diy (although I do all the cleaning up, the runs to the tip, the wood yard, etc) - we have been doing up our house every weekend practically for 4 years, so maybe I am being unreasonable to expect him to help out around the house during the week? Thing is, he enjoys knocking down walls, building things etc - he leaves ne the jobs he doesn't - like putting up coving! (none of it is up, as a result!)

I just worry that it will never change, I will always have to be the one running around after the children (him included) cleaning up, making sure everyone is wearing clothes, paying bills, and generally being the responsible one!

then again, maybe he is doing his bit, and I should stop moaning and get on with it.

aaargh!
Right, of to the tip, then to clean the toilet...

[holytoast]

rofl at 'him cleaning the toilet giving me the horn'
fantastic - the answer to all my prayers!

The laziness thing - of course it is laziness, I know, but also, he just seems to have a vision problem - he looks at a room and doesn't see a problem - I look and see a mess! what is that all about?

and yes, I suppose I am picking up where his mother left off - except that he hates her fussing just as much as I do, and when she comes to stay he would rather be anywhere else, turns into a sullen teenager around her! He is bloody 35! it's not as i he loves the fuss, the attention, or her picking up after him.
I am caught between having to do it all, as we would live in a pit if not, but also not wanting to turn into his mum - and him not wanting me to either!(shudders at thought)

Mybe I will use the sex thing, now my hormones seem to be working in my favour finally - 'would love to do it on the kitchen table darling, but have you seen the state of it? couldn't posibly put my bum on that!'

[Jamieandhismagictorch]

[Longtalljosie]

Get a cleaner - if you can. Time is short and I don't think there's time for you to rewrite the rules of your marriage in 6 months (possibly 3 if your third trimester is crappy)

[stillfrazzled]

I think you do need to work v hard on changing things - but start with the language you use.

It gives me the complete and utter pip to hear anyone talking about men 'helping round the house'. My DH does not help - he does HIS FAIR FUCKING SHARE of the work in the home we bought together!

This isn't an attack on you, OP, honest - am cross on your behalf.

But if he's 'helping', you're acknowledging that it's actually your job and he's doing you a favour. Which is not at all the way things should be, IMO.

[Jamieandhismagictorch]

No, someone else has suggested this, Long. It's a good idea.

I just think that all the other ways that the OP looks after her DH need to be addressed before she has a child to look after. Will he be up for taking an equal share in childrearing ?

[fluffles]

i'd say get a cleaner if you can and for other stuff make a big rota and stick it on the fridge and then (this is the hard bit) ONLY do YOUR rota'd tasks and NOT HIS!!!

it's going to be really really hard not to micromanage but you have to learn to. if he's got all day or even all week to do a task/chore then don't tell him when or how to do it. and DON'T DO IT FOR HIM!!!!

you're going to have to relax control a bit if you want him to do his share of housework.

[benjysmum]

Don't nag and don't make lists. Do what I do, leave HIS laundry undone while you do yours and the baby's. Make dinners that you want to eat and don't bother making him any. If he complains about not having clean clothes or food to eat, look at him in complete puzzlement and say you were too busy cleaning the bathroom/loo, taking out the trash, picking up the empty cartons etc. Then apologise prettily and carry on doing the same until he figures it out. My DH has bouts of failing to do any house chores and it has nothing to do with his upbringing cos his twin brother is a neat freak. If I stop cleaning up after him, he starts doing it himself, surprise surprise. Works every time.

[fluffles]

ah yes, a friend once told me that the secret to a long and happy marriage is seperate laundry bins

DP does lots of sport and wears a suit to work - he sorts out his own laundry loads and does his own laundry.

I do my laundry and the bedding and don't iron . It works very well for us.

[holytoast]

hmm - like all those suggestions, I think I do somehow see it as my job to look after him - don't know why - think maybe we just see what our parents do and carry on doing it sometimes- my mum has always sacrificed what she wants for the rest of us and put herself second, and whilst I hope I am not as bad as that, I do see that I see it as my thing to make him happy - whilst his is making sure we have door handles and light switches that work!

I can't belittle the amount he does do to fix up our house - we bought it as a beautiful victorian place that had been through the disastorous 80s, and he has basically gutted the place and done everything - plumbing, electric, himself - however, we are nearly done, and want to be ableonce the baby is here to enjoy the fruits of our labour and actually enjoy weekends - but in order to do that I need to stop running around after him I guess!
I like the idea of getting a cleaner, even just a couple of hours a week would do it I suppose - but I would hate there to be clothes on the bedroom floor etc when they came, so would end up cleaning up beforehand anyway I think!
I can really see myself getting more and more annoyed at him - this is the only thing that we argue about, we are very happy apart from this, he is my best friend in a lot of ways, and we are equal - I earnt a lot more than him for a while, he supported me when I was studying - theres no resentment about money or anything like that - its just his basic inability to get that the elves don't come every night to clean up - its mad!

Will have to just make it clear to him that once I get bigger and the majority of the work is done on the house, he will have to start helping doing his bloody fair share!

However, now I really do have to go and clean, his bloody mother is coming to stay in two weeks, and fair division of labour or not, her view is that it is all my job to look after her darling son!

[hercules1]

Why on earth does it matter to you that his mother thinks it's your job and so you are going to clean to prove to her it is??

When my family is coming I make the effort, when it's dh's side he does.

You need to change your own opinion on "womens work" before you can change his.

[Quattrocento]

"Did anyones hubby magically change their ways once the bump got bigger, or when the baby came?"
Er, no. Best not to indulge in fantasies

[Romanarama]

Mine magically changed his ways when dc3 was born. But we do have a daily cleaner, luckily. Sounds like that would be too long to wait for the OP!

[pispirispis]

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but you?ll be a lot less keen on looking after your MIL?s ?darling son? once your darling son or daughter comes along, I can tell you that much. And the approach of gritting your teeth and getting on with doing everything yourself while seething with resentment is a recipe for complete and utter disaster once a baby comes along, because a baby is harder work than most full-time jobs (sorry, don?t mean to scare you) and you?ll need a real team player for a partner, not another child. It will be impossible to do everything yourself, and if your dh is not used to realising for himself that things need done, you?ll really have to fight for some time for yourself. You really have to learn to offload work onto our partner, or you?ll end up exploding with resentment at some point.

No-one else is going to make sure you get a nice bubble bath with a book and some tea while your dh looks after the baby but ΥOU. It?s hard work getting a lazy partner to change, but it?s so much better for your mental and physical health in the long run. He?s an adult, he needs to learn to take responsibility for his contribution around the house. Ask yourself him: was I born to clean up after you? And once the baby comes along, every time you realise you?re just mecanically getting on with everything while he sits on the sofa, stop yourself and say ?Darling, could you do X while I do y? There?s a dear. And after this you look after baby and I?m going for a walk/a lie down/etc.? And keep doing it! Practise it from now on.

I speak from experience btw. Good luck!

[pispirispis]

Whoops, don?t know what happened there. I meant:

No-one else is going to make sure you get a nice bubble bath with a book and some tea while your dh looks after the baby but you.

[SolidGhoulBrass]

Two things to consider, OP (and all the rest of you married to lazyarses).

1. There genuinely have been studies done which demonstrate that men who do their fair share of domestic work have much happier sex lives (because their DWs don't resent them and don't feel that sex is just another chore the wife has to perform for the husband's benefit)
   
2. The simplest way to explain/demonstrate fairness in your marriage is the both of you are entitled to the same amount of leisure time ie if he wants one evening a week to play football or see mates, you get one evening a week to see your mates or indeed play football.

[LadyoftheBathtub]

Totally agree about not using the word "help" about people sharing a house doing the housework - never use it, but especially never to him, because it's telling him that it's basically your job, and it's not. You both work, you both live there, the jobs at home are yours to share 50:50. IMO that also applies when you are off work with a baby, because then the childcare becomes your job, and there is still stuff to do in the evening.

Tell him this can't go on, and he has to change, as this is sexist. If he doesn't like it ask how he would feel doing all the housework on top of working full time and being pregnant, just because of his gender? Maybe not eh?

Sit down and share out the housework jobs. The cooking and DIY are already shared equally by the sound of it - he does it, you clear up - so leave them out of it and list all the other jobs. Each take the jobs you like / find easiest where possible (eg in our house I do washing, DP does dishes, I do admin, DP does hoovering, because we prefer those jobs) but make sure it's fair.

[missingtheaction]

Like everyone above says.

Stop using the word 'help'. You are both adults and parents and equal partners with equal responsibility for the running of the home. He is no more 'helping' you than you are 'helping' him. You work as many hours as him outside the home and then work another 40 inside the home while he only works another - what - five?

Not Fair! an outrage!

Everything said above is true - obviously he came badly trained and you are going to have to address that or eventually your marriage may break down. Not funny.

However, I would add that it might be worth sorting out all the household tasks into necessities and niceities: things that absolutely need doing (hygiene, clearing up after dinner, clean knickers ready for tomorrow) and things that you like but maybe are less crucial or can be delegated out and focussing him on the tasks that impact on him.

Also read great tip for getting dirty clothes put in laundry bin: reposition laundry bin to where clothes are generally dropped on the floor. Leave bin there and only wash clothes that have been transported to the washing machine. Worked for my teens.

[Shitemum]

I havent read the whole thread but just want to say something which will probably provoke a feminist storm.
It is very difficult to get someone to change their ways to the extent that your DP needs to change his. Even if he does start to pull his weight more he will probably not do things the way you like or 'properly' so resentment will only grow.

If you can afford a cleaner or mother's help get one. Life's too short to spend most of it pissed off with your DP, believe me.
It's a pity because if you have a girl she'll grow up thinking men don't do housework and if it's a boy the same....

[zazen]

I agree, the OP has to start thinking ahead to the example she and her DH are giving their DC.

Take the emotion out of the situation - would you put up with this laziness from a flat mate? From a friend?
So, how come your DH gets off doing his share?

And also, when you have a new baby - that will be your job, and it's a full time, full on one - housework is not your job, and cleaning up after an able bodied adult who shares the space certainly isn't your job.

Stillfrazzled I get the pip also when I hear of men Babysitting their own children.
Don't get me started..

[BlingLoving]

I agree with almost everything that's already been said but would just make one point which is that in all co-habiting relationships there is unlikley to be absolute agreement on what constitutes clean and tidy and you have to take that into account. So, of course he must pull his weight and take responsibility for things so that together you are responsible for your home but, I think it's unrealistic to expect that he's magically going to start picking up clothes on the floor if it genuinely doesn't bother him as he will never understand your issue. At best there, you can get some compromise, "Darling, it really really freaks me out when there are clothes all over the floor so please can you at least dump them on this chair as a compromise for me."

In our house, I'm cleaner than dh but not neat. Which works for us - I do the cleaning and he does the tidying. But it means also that I have to make some efforts to be tidier even though I'll never live up to his standards and he has to make some effort to think about the cleanliness of things, even if he wouldn't notice otherwise (last week, our cleaner didn't come and I found DH changing the bedding because he knows it bothers me if it's left for more than a week - I was about to do it. I love him for that!).

[bibbitybobbityCAT]

The Mariella Frostrup advice column in The Observer yesterday was on exactly this subject op! I have to say I found her reply/advice extremely lame.

here

[LadyoftheBathtub]

OMG @ Mariella! I'm disappointed!

She is being sarcastic for a lot of it but - I thought she was going to get a bit more hard-nosed feminist towards the end. Nope. She seems so be basically saying, "Ahh, men!" Not good enough.

I don't agree with the going on strike thing because it's passive-aggressive and manipulative and also, not very practical when you have a baby - the washing needs doing, it's unfair on the baby to make it live in filth. Most people including men are intelligent enough to understand that it's unfair and to come to some agreements.