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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to interfere and ring this mum's HV?

79 replies

smokinaces · 08/10/2009 14:36

Was in supermarket this morning. Took the boys on the 50p ride ons, and as we were finishing another boy came over with his mum telling him he couldnt go on.

We were trying to get the kids in the trolley, as she was trying to get her son to come with her. The ride ons are in a lobby bit at the back of the shop, leading onto the pedestrain access.

Anyway, she stormed off, shouting at her son that if he didnt come now, he could stay there on his own. Fair enough, I have done that a few times myself.

We followed her round, thinking she'd be waiting for him to chase after her, round at the newspaper bit (round a bend, my kids get freaked by the time I get there and catch me up)

But she didnt stop.

She stormed through the supermarket, to the other entrance/exit. She left the shop and stormed off to the other end of the car park to her car. Without really a backward glance.

I didnt see anyone else with her or the son - when we left him he was most definately on his own on the rides, and didnt see another adult (though they could have been at the cigarette counter)

He definately didnt follow us out of the shop.

Now, I know of this mum through a friend of a friend, so know she's a single mum and had a real hard time of it - but I cant stop thinking I need to do something. I wish I had gone back into the shop to make sure he was ok and she came back. I wish I had stopped her and asked if she was ok.

I know who her health visitor is - and know them quite well. Do you think its interfering too much to ring them? I just think she might need help - we've all threatened to leave our kids, but she went too far IMO.

so AIBU to ring her health visitor and mention this?

OP posts:

Original poster

smokinaces · 08/10/2009 18:46

You know, I really wish I had gone back in the shop now. I kept watching hoping he would come out or she would go back. I didnt go back or stay because of my own children and we'd already gone so far.

I honestly dont know whether they met up or not. And I think thats what is niggling me.

As far as I know the mutual friend hasnt been in touch with her for over a year. We're not even sure where she's living now. (I didnt mention any of this to her, just asked after mum)

I do see her on a Tuesday when both our boys attend the nursery. I think I will approach her then, and ask if she ever fancies a coffee. I'm not good at making or being a friend at the moment - I honestly thought the HV would offer support, I didnt think of the SS route. I was thinking more of listening visits and support, which I'm not sure I can be much help with.

I guess another reason I left was disbelief - kept telling myself that surely there must have been someone around and she didnt just leave him there.

And also, how many times has someone come away from an experience (like a parent hitting a child in public) without interveening and wishing they'd done more?

If I could change it I would have interferred there and then, honestly. Now I want to try and mend what I should have done 6 hours ago, by showing some help. Obviously the HV route isnt the right one (have a very niave view of them obviously) but will offer a coffee when I see her next week.

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadowsOfDoom · 08/10/2009 18:55

You watched a frazzled mum abandon her 2 year old at the supermarket?

You did nothing? Yet, you are presumably with a sound mind, and you allowed this to happen?

Sorry, but you are as responsible as the mum, as you saw it happen yet did nothing.

We have a collective responsibility to keep our children safe.

QuintessentialShadowsOfDoom · 08/10/2009 18:56

How do you know that the staff or the police will know who this boy is?

What if the mum did go back, but could not find him, and were too scared for the consequnces to report her child missing?

Tombliboobs · 08/10/2009 19:14

smokingaces, don't forget everyone else has the benefit of hindsight right now. Yes, you should have stayed and checked, but you didn't. We have all done things that we look back on and wonder why we didn't intervene.

Many people simply wouldn't have noticed the situation or would have just judged the parent.

At least you were concerned enough to still be thinking about it and wondering what to do.

AtheneNoctua · 08/10/2009 20:20

For what it's worth I disagree that you are in any way to blame for this situation. You are not responsible for other people's children just as other people are not responsible for your children.

But, I do think you have made some assumptions here. And, actually, you are not close enough to the situation to accurately assess what happened today. If you want to express concern, you should do so directly to the mum. Maybe she needs a friend. And maybe she tell you piss off because actually you are mistaken about the whole thing. Whatever you choose, please please do it directly with the mum. She is the one who needs to hear it.

LynetteScavo · 08/10/2009 20:29

You were unreasonable to go off with out talking to the mum, or making sure this child was OK.

I am now going to be woried she flipped and didn't go back for him.

Talk to the HV is you like, she works with SS, and maybe this family do need a social worker.

lilyjen · 08/10/2009 20:36

AtheneNoctua I think the point was the mum HAD LEFT! The mum was no longer there..mmm so how are you going to tell her anything and besides I think she isn't listening to anyone right now since she has LEFT HER CHILD i'm pretty sure she won't be reasonable under those circumstances..I also think not being close enough to assess the situation is the problem..why do ppl walk away from possible disasters like this for fear of upsetting someone if they are proven to be wrong. I wd rather be proved wrong than to read about some tragedy in the paper the next day about a tot I had just left-quote '
I didnt see anyone else with her or the son - when we left him he was most definately on his own on the rides, and didnt see another adult (though they could have been at the cigarette counter)

He definately didnt follow us out of the shop'.This is a 2 yr old that's next to a door leading outside!

If you honestly believe it's ok to walk away from that i'm pretty stunned!

ADragonIs4LifeNotJustHalloween · 08/10/2009 20:40

You should have gone to customer services, not thought about calling a HV.

hairyclaireyfairy · 08/10/2009 21:14

FFS This other womans' child is not your responsibility, can't believe some of the responses you are getting. You did'nt piss her off to the degree she abandoned her child, I probably would contact the HV and give an abridged version of what happened. This mother sounds like she does need help big time.

LynetteScavo · 08/10/2009 21:19

It's a sad society we live in when an abodonded child is no ones resposiblity except it's parents.

My DS wasn't any ones responsiblity, except mine, when he was would suddenly run away from me in the park, and I has to chase after him heavily pg. It was no ones responsiblility to stop him, but I'm extremly grateful to the strangers who did.

Ewe · 08/10/2009 21:20

Agree with Dragon, taking child to security or customer service would have probably given the Mum the kick up the arse she needed to realise she was being out of order.

Easy to say with hindsight though!

Tombliboobs · 08/10/2009 21:33

I do think that the OP has has enough of a flaming, given that she acknowledges that she should have done something, was concerned enough to want to do something now and is still worrying about it this evening.

Whilst I fully agree that we should all take responsibilty for children and I am not questioning that, I do think it is unfair to place all this on the Op's shoulders when she actually sounds like she gives a damn when many wouldn't.

QuintessentialShadowsOfDoom · 08/10/2009 22:04

Imagine how scared the little boy would be when he came off the ride and realized mum wasnt there.

I feel sick to my stomach just thinking about it.

QuintessentialShadowsOfDoom · 08/10/2009 22:05

In fact, I am probably going to turn the flaming on to myself now, but some of the responses here really piss me off.

Dont tell the hv, mum may get into trouble.
Heck, that little boy is already in trouble, with a mum like that. But lets not alert social services, or the police, because it may not help mum.

FFS.

Tombliboobs · 08/10/2009 22:10

I agree with you QS about the need to pass this on to someone. If the OP has not got the full story, then the parent in question will be able to explain what had happened. If she did exactly what the OP thinks happened then she does need help.

MollieO · 08/10/2009 22:16

If I had seen what apparently was a friend of a friend walking off and leaving her 2 yr old ds I would have waited with him for her to come back. If I couldn't wait or didn't want to take him to her I would have notified a staff member.

I would be sitting here worrying witless if I had just walked away and left him. I would not be posting on MN asking about notifying the HV. I really cannot believe the OP walked off and did nothing. Poor little boy.

pruneplus2 · 08/10/2009 22:52

The only thing you should have done is alert a member of the supermarket staff that there is a toddler within their store who appears to have been left on his own.

And left it with them.

No use beating yourself up about it now though.

ninagleams · 09/10/2009 00:14

If you want to help this woman don't ring the HV, offer to babysit for her instead. I can't begin to contemplate being a single mother, there are days when I think I would go mad if my DP wasn't on his way home from work. She doesn't need social services, she needs some relaxation time and to know there are people who care about her as well as her son.

ninagleams · 09/10/2009 00:19

... and of course she didn't do the right thing but 24/7 alone with a 2 year old could drive anyone to the brink. I'm not sure contacting a HV is going to help her step away from the edge though.

lisalisa · 09/10/2009 00:26

In the very unlikely even that mum and baby did not get reunited again - must be v unlikely as mum would most likely have cooled off and come back perahps after you'd left - you could call local police and mention what had happened. This would be just so that if they ddi have a 2 yr old in care due to abandonment and didn't know how to contact his mum at least you could put the missing puzzle piece in. I have to say though that I find that scenario highly unlikely and you'll proably find that mum hid somewhere in car park and came back.

greenday · 09/10/2009 04:02

If you were really wanting to help, then you should have just stayed with the child at that time. Rather than brew up a storm by reporting her to her HV. Sounds more like trouble-making to me.

YABU.

QuintessentialShadowsOfDoom · 09/10/2009 07:13

I think you have to ask yourself who you want to help?

The Woman?
The Child?

It appears to me, rather simplistically, that helping the woman might not necessarily help her child, and helping the child, may not benefit the woman.

So who do you prioritise to help? If any?

KimiTheThreadSlayingAxeKiller · 09/10/2009 07:26

I would call the HV.

Bet someone said baby Ps mum was having a bad day at some point too

girlsyearapart · 09/10/2009 07:49

Agree with Lynette- my 2yo suddenly ran the opposite way from the wide open park we were heading to and into a car park.

I had to leave my 1yo in the middle of the (pedestrianised) path in buggy and sprint after her.

Luckily another mum caught her and stopped her before a car reversed into her but there are soooo many people who just stand there and do nothing. Was so grateful.

OP- if you're worried call the HV. Sometimes SS are not the enemy like it always seems to be portrayed on here.

Chandon · 09/10/2009 07:56

right, so this now equals Baby P´s case ? Anyone next for making a comparison to, say, Hitler?

Can´t stand this mentality of turning in other mums at SS.

Horrible horrible New Labour culture, we are all agents now for the government, are we? Checking up on eachother.

Did you feel very superior, OP? Is that the bit you liked?

Instead of posting here and calling HV-SS; why not tell the mutual friend, and see if somehow someone could give this mother a break sometime?

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