AIBU to want to say I’m not a hotel

[FleeBee]

... and some help would be appreciated?

OK, I know I am, but want some advice on how to handle the situation as I?m afraid to say that it involves my MIL.

Fortunately my MIL lives overseas, although I would say that Jupiter would have been too close!! She moved with SIL, BIL and 4 DC around 5 years ago. Subsequently we have had 2 DC and MIL has been to visit 3 times and each time I get more and more stressed out with her.

Visit 1: DD1 is six weeks old and she came to stay for 2 weeks and brought my Dnephew aged 10 without telling us first!!!!

Visit 2: DD1 is 9 months and came for christening for 2 weeks, I?m in early stages of pregnancy constantly throwing up and feeling grotty, she heads off into town every day shopping or getting her hair done.

Visit 3: DD1 is 17 months and DD2 is 4 weeks she came for 2 and a half weeks and did NOTHING to help me or DC. I was incredibly tired, getting to grips with 2 children, doing all the cooking, whilst she sat telling me she didn?t approve of breast-feeding, picking at the meals I?d prepared as me and DH have ?enormous appeities!? (that probably is true) but it drove me up the wall to see her picking at her meals that I?d cooked whilst she was sat watching Murder she Wrote on TVGold or whatever channel it is, then watch us clear up afterwards.

She says from the start she ?doesn?t do babies, She?s done her bit and I have to manage when she isn?t there.? Which is true, but AIBU to have some help, change the odd nappy, help with the odd bath time, cook the occasional meal, wash up??

After her last visit in June she said she would return in November ? but I don?t want her to !!! And tomorrow is SIL?s birthday so we will be ringing her and she lives with MIL so she?s bound to come on the phone and tell us when she will be coming to visit. Since she went back in June, she has phoned once to tell us she has landed safely and we haven?t heard from her since.

I really believe she sees staying with us a nice little holiday, she stays up late watching TV, gets up late, doesn?t lift a finger, pops out to do shopping, gets her hair and nails done, and tuts at the slovenly state of me and the house. I guess it?s worse because my mum loves helping with DC and really gets stuck in to help me, so I?m probably expecting too much.

Aaargh feel better getting it off my chest, I?ve gone on too much and I?m an unreasonable moo!

Can Dh have a week off or a couple of days off each week she's here. He must want some time to enjoy her company!

What about having a cleaner in a couple of times a week, just while she's there, so you haven't got the housework to think about?

YANBU
Just because she doesn't do babies, doesn't mean she doesn't do cooking, cleaning and generally being a little bit helpful around the house.

YANBU at all... I must admit I have an amazing mum and a pretty decent MIL, so can't comment on that side of things, but to treat you as a holiday when she can clearly see you're run off your feet is just not on. Why doesn't she stay in a hotel and pop by to visit? Seeing as she's treating your house like one, anyways.

YANBU. Book her into the premier league inn closest to you, that way she can 'do' babies as much as she wants and do the stuff she wants to do - hair, nails, telly without disturbing you.
I should say, don't pay for the hotel, we've booked for new year and you pay on arrival.

If she doesn't "do" babies why is she appearing every time you have a new one...!

Sounds to me as if she doesn´t "do" anything!

YANBU. If she doesn't "do" babies, that's fine, but then she shouldn't visit at times that any fool can see ARE all about babies. She should wait until the DCs are a bit older and you're more settled.

As for the help around the house etc, while I think it's ridiculous, I am not sure you can change that. you CAN however, refuse to create more work for yourself by having her there. Cook as you would if it's just you and DH, clean the same etc etc etc. And point out to her that she's here because she's on holiday but you're not, so you're not able to change your routine.

You have all my sympathy. my MIL, nice lady though she is, thinks that turning up for 5 weeks at at a time is fine and that it doesn't concern me and that therefore not only should I not get stressed about it, but she is not obligated to tell me she'scoming or discuss convenient times... Don't get me started!

Hmmm you are not a hotel but neither is she a helper. She is a guest in your house and probably does view it as a bit of a holiday.

My mother is the same - doesn't do nappies or cooks or makes tea. She feels she has done it all so it's not her turn now.

If it is going to be a hardship just say to her that coming in november isn't convenient and maybe you can try and work out a date in the future when you can go and visit her. Then when you get there let her do all the housework, cooking and cleaning and enjoy a little rest

Bathsheba: She does babies who are cleaned, fed, (but doesn't approve of breast feeding) and not before the hours of 11am

FleeBee - YANBU at all.

PILs drive us mad. Never lift a finger when they come. I don't mind the cooking and cleaning so much, they are guests after all, but what I do mind is they camp in our house on the way to whatever holiday they are going on, never take the DSs out or do anything with them. We have to etertain everyone all the time as well as work.

They did agree to come and look after DSs a month ago when it was our anniversary but took advantage of that by inviting someone we barely know to our house while we were away, and pretty much demanded to be repaid by making our house available as a base to visit other relatives later in the year.

The most upsetting row I ever had with DW was during one of their visits because I was so stressed and exhausted. They don't do 'babies' either and MIL has the gall to say my DW 'oh I had no help when you were a baby'. She did. She had her mother living about 5 minutes away and used to have her baby sitting once a week.

I think the problem is that DW left home when they were 40 and they have had 25 years of pleasing themselves. It shows in their selfish behaviour. Mind you, my parents are no better. Never even visited in 25 years. Other people we know have lovely parents who are always there to lend a hand when things get tough. Never once had that offer. Never once.

Hmph. Even if she is a guest and has "done her share", blah, blah, blah, she could shut up and not criticise you!

Agree with others. If they want to be waited on, fair enough I suppose - but in that case choose a time when there isn't a newborn in the house...

When you have a baby, guests can be divided into two camps. Those who make you tea and those who expect tea to be made for them...

Couldn't you tell her that you're getting some building work done on the house in November, so there won't be a spare room for her to stay in, just a building site? And then when/if she notices no work has been done, you can suck through your teeth and mutter darkly about bl**dy builders letting you down ...

Well DH phoned SIL last night to wish her happy birthday and MIL said she is still planning to come over in November, but hasn't booked her flight yet.

I'm tempted to say that as she "doesn't do babies, I don't do houseguests!" but DH tells me not to be mean.

I think she likes the idea of coming looking at our DC but then finds the reality actually quite dull. The problem I have is that I still haven't forgiven her for bringing our 10 year old nephew without speaking to us about it. (or the comment 1 week before our wedding that I was stealing her son). I need to let that go, but I dread to think who will come over in November as SIL has 4 DC!!!

I'm very lucky in that my mum loves doing things with my DC so it seems a bit more obvious when MIL doesn't want to join in even things like bathtime which can be quite fun. I won't make her do it all on her own but sit with us. But hey ho, her loss.

Thanks for the comments, will move the imaginary builders in starting in November.

I think if she'd turned up with a 10 year old without telling me first she'd have ended up in a hotel!
Did she look after him or did you end up doing everything for him as well as the baby?

'Letting go' is difficult unless you actually change the dynamic. Every time she visits she adds more fuel to the fire and you continue to feel the resentment.
A hotel is a good idea. Could you say your mum needs to stay as she is helping you out and therefore MIL would be better off in a hotel? Kind of drops the hint as well.