To be pissed off at the fuss brother in law and life are making for their kid's 1st birthday?

[Jude68]

Their 1st dc and our 2nd dc's were born only two month's apart. When DD2 had her 1st birthday at the end of August my partner didn't want to take a precious day's leave from work for her birthday as he said "she's only 1, she won't care anyway." All we did was get her a cake, sing happy birthday and helped her open her presents in the evening when the grandparents (one set anyway) were there. They live with us anyway so it's not like they had to make the effort to come over.
DP's brother saw him at work and said should he give DP her present or bring it over the following Sunday when they were coming over for lunch anyway...nothing to do with celebrating DC's birthday.
Now for their DC's upcoming big day they are planning a big family outing to a farm (shit choice) and have published a list, like a wedding list where people can choose what to get their daughter from.
Now it's up to them I suppose how they choose to celebrate but it's making me feel pissed off with DP, guilty with myself and sad for DC2 that we didn't make a fuss.
Am I being pathetic? What did you do for 1st birthdays? I know the baby doesn't care but it's showing everyone else how much you love them isn't it?

I think that there is more to the non-visiting after your DD's birth..
Could they have been a bit superstitious about having their first baby? I mean I remember when I was pg with DS1, I was scared to death about the birth. Perhaps you having to deliver your own baby scared your SIL so much she couldn't face you?
I think maybe you should sit down and have a chat with your SIL. All this resentment simmering away is no good and is obviously affecting you.

not read replies but I think yabu, though I sort of understand.

My sil has a ginormous party for her pfb 1st. She had an obscene number of presents, but then sil is very sociable and knows loads of people.

I prefer the more low key approach that you went for. Horses for courses. Nothing to do with how much you love your child. Chill out a bit.

re the list. OK the way you describe it makes it sound rude and grasping, but actually, I think it sounds like a great idea. We live a long way from family so don't see them so often to chat about things, or for them to know the kids' current likes/dislikes. Also, as we have 4 it could be easy to get the same thing, so every birthday and Christmas, people always come to me and ask me what they would like, and I have to think of something for all 4 kids for several different people, so actually such a list sounds really great. I think I'll pinch the idea, then in a few weeks when I start getting pestered, I can just refer everyone to THE LIST. Fab. Just need to sit the kids down in front of a heap of kids tv adverts, followed by the argos catalogue. Sorted.

ps where'd they have the list?

cards... well they are nice to look at for a week or two, then go in an big envelope , then get recycled a year or 3 later when you realise you haven't looked at them since. Not really something you keep as a family heirloom are they.

Lack of interest? My dd1 was almost 3 before my brother met her. That was for an hour, a couple of weeks before we left for Australia to live.

Do I care, nope, not really! His loss. Nothing to do with lack of interest or otherwise. Now he will never really now her nor she him. But she won't lose out, if he couldn't be bothered she will have people who will in her life.

Really, everything you say is a non issue. You are making a bigger deal of it than it needs to be.

Just live your life, let them live theirs.

And again, no cards from any of my family in UK for dd2's birth, nor her 1st birthday.

Yes, it grates a little but again...their loss! If they can't be bothered with her life, then she won't be bothered with theirs!

Sorry but it's really nothing to do with you how your BIL and his wife chose to celebrate their child's first birthday so yes I would have to say YABU

You have both chosen to celebrate the way you wanted.

It sounds from your post (don't mean to be rude) as if you're a teeny bit jealous that your BIL has made more of an effort than your husband did. Perhaps, as had been suggested already, your anger is misplaced?

UniS, my mum kept mine and my brother's baby congratulations cards and I have kept my own daughter's. Perhaps it's not important to other people but I liked looking at the cards when I was a little girl. Maybe a card is no big deal. I just felt that overall their attitude to her birth was complete indifference. I guess the big party for their DC's 1st birthday plus the freaking present list as resurfaced bitterness and resentment towards them.

not read replies but I think yabu, though I sort of understand.

My sil has a ginormous party for her pfb 1st. She had an obscene number of presents, but then sil is very sociable and knows loads of people.

I prefer the more low key approach that you went for. Horses for courses. Nothing to do with how much you love your child. Chill out a bit.

re the list. OK the way you describe it makes it sound rude and grasping, but actually, I think it sounds like a great idea. We live a long way from family so don't see them so often to chat about things, or for them to know the kids' current likes/dislikes. Also, as we have 4 it could be easy to get the same thing, so every birthday and Christmas, people always come to me and ask me what they would like, and I have to think of something for all 4 kids for several different people, so actually such a list sounds really great. I think I'll pinch the idea, then in a few weeks when I start getting pestered, I can just refer everyone to THE LIST. Fab. Just need to sit the kids down in front of a heap of kids tv adverts, followed by the argos catalogue. Sorted.

ps where'd they have the list?

wow just seen your last post. You really do need to find some way of dealing with your feelings towards them It's so unhealthy. To still be feeling agrieved about a (lack of) card isn't healthy at all.

Seriously, instead of 'complain and remain' you need to move forward and work out what you're going to do in order for that to happen. Talk to them and explain how you feel? Get dp to? Cut them out of your lives (not serious suggestion) Bearing grudges is so bad, The only person hurting about this card and party is YOU. Your dd doesn't care if she got a card. She's not going to care when she's 12 or 24. You need to stop seeing slights in everything and forgive this wrong that you feel. Only you are hurting yourself here imo.

YABU

I'd be sad if I thought someone was looking at every party or even I planned and looking at ways it could offend them or relate to them.

In the main people plan things that will make their own dcs happy or that are possible within their family circumstances. Its a shame to pick that to pieces and relate it back to yourself in a negative way. It also achieves nothing at all, as I can nearly assure you they will be so wrapped up in their dc and her life journey they will totally fail to notice.

Perhaps your dc's births felt a bit non-event to them as they didn't have insight into how mega it all is, till they had their own? They wouldn't be the first to do that I'm sure.

Enjoy your own family style and your dcs, and let them do the same. You will have a much happier generous heart that way

Fprmal partylists do make my teeth itch in principle - but then times and things change and by the time I have got the 15th text asking what a dd wants for a birthday, and I have passed on the 15th website, catalogue number etc - I can kind of see the point of them! Still not my style but I wouldn't judge anyone who choose this route.

For both DS1 and DS2s first birthday DH took a day off work we had a lovely time, we also had the mother of all party's for both boys first birthdays.

I think you are being very unkind tbh, you choose not to mark the day in a big way and that was up to you, if your BIL and his family want to celebrate their child's first birthday big time it is up to them, and if you don't like their shit choice of venue don't go.

I am sorry to say you just come across as jealous, and a tad bitter.

So don't get anything off the list if you prefer to spend less!
MAke yourself feel better by getting them fuck all.

Jeez.

And maybe I'm being snipey here but the dress was from George at Asda so I'm PRETTY confident it didn't cost anywhere near £30. It just seems greedy and grasping of them to tell us what we have to buy her and set the price said gift.

I do agree about the gift list though, that is rude

Jude68 - it maybe is greedy and grasping. You may well be right as to their intentions.
Probably optimistic too as I have a £15-£20 limit on special birthdays and close people, and £7 on school friends etc.

I can see all your points - but I still think that whilst they may be ott and perhaps maybe deluded/over excited/grasping [or not] perhaps you are being a bit grumpy.

IMO - as it's an AIBU.

We can't afford anything off the list! We didn't even get our own DD a present costing that much. Of course we'll get the baby a gift...it's not her fault her parents are insenstitive, greedy sods is it?

Fine. Don't get anything off the list. Blimey!

Don't beat yourself up...your "poor DD" won't remember any of this. And hopefully my DS2 won't remember that he spent his entire 1st birthday on French motorways...he had some friends and chocolate cake the day before.

I dont know..... I can see why you are upset, families and celebrations are always complicated (and guilt inducing) . If you really do feel guilty about DC make a vow that you will do something special (that they, not the grown ups, will like) for next year . Then grit your teeth and attend the day. But the list is cheeky, I agree! Dont feel guily, having a big OTT birthday is their choice, but the baby wont rememeber it anyway!

my list for ds2 was online toysrus have a wish list. and you can send it to people when they ask what to get dc.

And maybe I'm being snipey here YUP
but the dress was from George at Asda so I'm PRETTY confident it didn't cost anywhere near £30. SO WHAT?

It just seems greedy and grasping of them to tell us what we have to buy her and set the price said gift. - They aren't. They've put forward some gift suggestions, which you are free to choose from or ignore as you wish. Though I agreee it was silly not to include stuff that costs also £5 or £10 or whatever, but really, it is not worth it.

I repeat, you are only hurting yourself by getting so worked up about this. No one else is suffering, not them, not your dd, only you. But unless you calm down and move on you will explode then others, possible your dd will suffer, if your resentments builds up and leads to a family fall out. Do for your family what you want to do, and spend on gifts what you want to spend. I cann't believe you're ruminating over the price of a gift you got a couple of years ago

I think you sound quite high maintenance TBH. When i was 8 months pregnant with my first i didn't want to travel anywhere. I was excited about being a mother but also terrified and never wanted to hold a baby and hated the way people kept thrusting them on me as if i knew what to do. If your SIL and BIL decided they didn't want to visit straight away, that is their right and their choice. Just because you have a baby doesn't mean everyone has to drop everything and come round to visit you - especially when they have their own lives going on.

And if you say to someone don't bring anything and they don't, then getting upset with them is beyond comprehension. Why should they shell out £4 for a card you are only going to chuck in the recycle bin anyway when you said don't bring anything?

To make such a fuss as to not be in the same room as them (when they would have just had their first child) and to push your BIL to tears for an apology is really OTT.

I think you need to take a stock of yourself. Why are you comparing your lives and why are you makign it impossible for anyone to please you? You need to lower your measuring stick and just be grateful for the good times and go with the flow of life a little more.

So they are making a fuss over the first's birthday and wanting to go to a farm - how lovely for them. So your DP didn't do anything for you - did you agree with him to have him work that day? People aren't mind readers - if you say something is okay but feel differently then you are being incredibly unfair to them. Next time say 'i'd rather you take a day off and we spend it as a family'.

Honesty is a great little policy that causes a whole lot less confusion IMHO.

gift lists? Good grief
Your dp was pretty mean but other than that and the gift list thing, YABU (especially about the farm - what a spiteful thing to say!)

YABU. I have ten hours of lectures on my ds's first birthday in two week's time, I'll barely even get to see him on his birthday. But I don't resent other people for wanting to celebrate their own child's birthday! It's not just the birthday they are celebrating, but also a whole year of being parents themselves, and I found that to be a big thing.

Wouldn't do the gift list though, although maybe other family members have asked for it?

Jude, I really think you need to jump down off your judgey horse and take a step back.

What THEY do, for THEIR child is entirely their business. Whether they live in a one bedroomed house or not, and whether they think it is advisable to take children to a farm in November, is THEIR business. I can't imagine that the whole thing is a scheme to make you feel bad about what you did for your child's birthday.

Your posts seem a bit mixed up - in one breath you're annoyed because your husband didn't take a day off so you couldn't make a big deal of the birthday, and in the next you are criticizing your in laws for making a big deal for their child's birthday.

As for a present list - the mere thought of one, for any occasion, annoys me, but that's a personal thing. Your little drama about when they visited you, and them not bringing a present, sounds equally grasping to be honest.

I genuinely think you need to step back from this and have a big think about why you are so angry.

FWIW, my daughter's first birthday was enormous. She was born three days after my birthday, and on my mother's birthday, so we had a fairly large (and eventually drunken) house party, with friends, family, and cake! It doesn't matter though, because she won't remember it.