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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To never speak to my mother again

17 replies

MillyMollyMoo · 30/09/2009 12:11

What would your mother have to say to you in order for you never to speak to her again ?

I am hormonal and am not meant to get stressed so wondered if I am being reasonable it's entirely possible I'm not but what words would push you to say that's it ?
Thank you

OP posts:
Carrotfly · 30/09/2009 12:16

I'm not particularly close to my mother but I cant imagine never speaking to her again after something she said.

Has this been building up for a while ?

thirtysomething · 30/09/2009 12:16

That's a very hard question. I guess objectively something that showed she wished she'd never had me or something unforgiveable about my DCs or DH? What has she said?

porcamiseria · 30/09/2009 12:17

what did she say, spill?
i had a near massive strop with mine and have been calmed down on this very page.......

OrmIrian · 30/09/2009 12:20

Can't imagine. Nope. Nothing probably. But my mother is a bit of an odd one anyway - have got used to making exuses for her.

EccentricaGallumbits · 30/09/2009 12:23

Difficult one.
There ave been times when I've distanced myself and just not contacted her for a while but not 'never'.

GooseyLoosey · 30/09/2009 12:25

I have considered this. I came to the conclusion that it comes down not to the actual words that were said but who you think your mother is a person and what you really think of her relationship with you. That drives whether you want to forgive her for a particular comment.

After ds was born, mother did not see him for 4 weeks. The reason for this was that I hated him, accutely depressed etc. Anyway, 4 years down the line she brought it up and I explained. Her response? "How do you think that makes me feel? That just makes things worse". I had expected understanding and got self absorbtion. This was a make or break moment for me, but I love my mother and so I ended up being really nice and almost apologetic and am glad that I still have a realtionship with her.

sweetkitty · 30/09/2009 12:29

I am currently not speaking to mine, combination of a lot of things, some of the things she has said to me in the past

"it would be better for me to have a mc as no one has 3DC these days"
"DP will leave me if I cannot give him a son"
"you are not a real woman until you have a son"

at the beginning of the year I decided to put as much effort into our relationship as she does, consequently we have not seen her this year. I do not miss her phonecalls of "feel sorry for me" I was fed up asking her if she wanted to come up as see her grandchildren, fed up with her putting me down all the time. I do not miss her but miss having a mum about if that makes sense?

Original poster
MillyMollyMoo · 30/09/2009 12:36

She said I was a bad mother - i'm not, not preferct but christ i do my best, I've had embryo transfer yesterday and so i know i'm hormonal but i said i would never speak to her again.
There is a lot of history, so this isn't a one off but she over steps the mark, if we're having a row there's somethings you don't say, don't go there but she does.

OP posts:
NestaFiesta · 30/09/2009 12:42

I sympathise. I cut my mother off two years ago after years of put downs and insults and manipulation from her.

For years and years she repeatedly had me in tears (and even therapy for low self esteem). In the past two years without her in my life I have really blossomed. I told her she can still see my DS (3) any time and I will be welcoming, but she hasn't bothered.

Try a great book called "When You and Your Mother Can't Be Friends" on Amazon. It helped me a lot.

Knickers0nmahead · 30/09/2009 12:43

I haven't spoken to my 'mother' for 9 years. And will never speak to her again for as long as I live.

She said something to me that I can never forgive.

valhala · 30/09/2009 12:51

Not my mother, but my father and I don't speak, haven't for 18 months and never will again.

In his case he judged me on the basis of someone else's story and never once even stopped to think that I may have my own side, much less to ask or wait for it.

He sent me a letter saying that I was "No daughter of his". I composed a reply, reams long, with evidence to support my defence in the face of some very spiteful accusations. Went to bed, intending to post the letter the next morning but woke up thinking, he's right! I am no daughter of his! I don't bloody want to be! I don't want to know this man, who can act as judge and jury in a kangaroo court! I have good, kind male friends who I know would give me the courtesy of explaining my side of the story... so why do I want to know someone who can treat me as he does.

I have never looked back. Having moved house since as well, I feel so much stronger for changing my phone numbers, my email address and moving on. I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders - I no longer have to deal with these accusations or even the poisonous dwarf my father married and her family.

Freedom from parents who drag you down with their unpleasantness? Recommended!

Original poster
MillyMollyMoo · 30/09/2009 12:58

Oh I had counselling before I had my first child as I was so terrified I would parent the same way as I'd been brought up, I fled to live with my father after she battered the living daylights out of me with a leather belt but that is me wanting to be the centre of attention apparently.

OP posts:
Original poster
MillyMollyMoo · 30/09/2009 13:00

I guess if it's upset me enough then it's reasonable, I just told DH and he thinks I've given her enough chances so I'm happy with my decision and will tell the children to keep her at arms lengths when they are older.

OP posts:
choosyfloosy · 30/09/2009 13:04

MillyMollyMoo I'm glad you're happy with your decision but maybe think twice about telling your children to keep her at arms length? With any luck just explaining how things have been between you would be enough to ensure that anyway but they would have a right to have a relationship with her when they are older if they would like that.

Sorry if that's officious. I am coming out with some weird stuff on here these days!

sweetkitty · 30/09/2009 13:04

My mother sent me a letter recently that basically said everything was my fault that even as a young girl I thought I was better than her and she was beneath me. This all stems from me being an independent little girl who said "I will do it" and pushed her away whereas my brother was laid back and a bit lazy and would allow her to do everything for him. Coupled with the fact that I am obviously more intelligent than her and formed by own opinions which differed from hers meant that she resented me and was jealous of me.

I am actually at the stage now where I feel sorry for her, she is so narrowminded and hasn't experienced anything of life, she obviously has serious issues of her own and I am better out of it now.

The thing is how do you get over these feelings that life is unfair? Why did I get a mother like that? I look at my friends mothers helping them out, going on holiday with them, day trips and enjoying spending time with their family and I feel a bit jealous that I don't have that.

Do you think it mellows in time and you just get used to the situation?

Original poster
MillyMollyMoo · 30/09/2009 13:15

Sweet Kitty I don't think it ever gets easier it would be better for them to have died than be alive, around and still so awful.
I used to blame my mum's mum and think that it was her fault that she'd brought my mum up badly but she has 4 sisters and none of them behave like mine does, I could go and and on for hours.

Choosy I am so close to my kids that I cannot imagine if I told them how she's treated me over the years they'd give her the time of day.

OP posts:
JackBauer · 30/09/2009 13:29

Not my mother but I haven't spoken to my father in nearly 7 years now and have no regrets.
My DD's have never met him and when they ask I tell them that I don't have a father, and I truly hope they will never meet him.

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