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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think at an event where lots of people have lost relatives to cancer you mourn the loss of your dog??

154 replies

girlsyearapart · 28/09/2009 05:53

Hi I did a 10k run yesterday for Cancer Research.
People are given a sign to put on their back to write who they are running in memory of.
Many heartbreaking messages about lost Mothers/Fathers/Children/Sisters etc. Lots of people had birth and death dates showing very short lives lost to cancer.
Anyway just about to start the race and look at woman on front of me who had a photo of her dog on her back with its name..
Well I'm a major dog lover but isn't this totally insensitive to others there who had lost relatives??
Only part of me thinking that I'm BU is that the woman was raising money which would go to actual people with cancer.
So what do you lot think?

OP posts:
Rubyrubyruby · 30/09/2009 10:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OtterInaSkoda · 30/09/2009 10:17

My mum died of cancer - the only time I got offended by someone else's "grief" was when a colleague burst into tears at work because the shirts she'd ordered for the groomsmen at her wedding were going to be a day late (not a day too late, just a day later than the shop had said originally). I wanted to scream at her. But then this was within a couple of weeks of losing my mum and I was frantically trying to sort out her affairs, clear her house and organise a funeral so I had a right to be irrational. And she was a stupid, insensitive woman who I honestly think felt some bizarre envy at the attention I'd got, like my mum dying had drawn the office's focus away from her effing nuptuals. Weirdo.
Anyway, YAB a teensy bit U. She was running (good) and hadn't lost anyone close to her to cancer (lucky woman). And she might not actually have anyone close to her other than her dog (in which case poor woman).

OtterInaSkoda · 30/09/2009 10:26

The stupid, insensitive woman being my colleague of course. My mum was lovely

Asana · 30/09/2009 10:33

I was told by someone who had lost a child that I could not compare it to losing both my parents [one to cancer] in my early teens because a child was more precious. Tell that to the young girl who had no idea where she would live, if she'd be able to return to school, where her next meal was going to come from and had to listen to various family members discussing how to apportion her and her siblings between several (heavily disliked and cruel!) relatives, amongst several other things I was hardly trying to say that her child was on a par with my parents - she had shared something deeply personal with me about a great loss that had affected her and I reciprocated in kind. Was that insensitive of her? Or was it insensitive of me?

Deaths affect different people differently. My dog died when I was 12 and I was absolutely devastated and needed ridiculous amounts of comforting from my mother. My mother went on to die later that year and I was much stronger on the face of it when that happened as opposed to the former. Does that mean that my dog was more important than my mother? No. It just means that I reacted differently to different deaths. My father died a few years later. That affected me much more than the death of my mother but, on the face of it, it did not look like it. Did I love him more than her? No. Again, it just means that I reacted differently to different deaths.

OP, YABU and snarky.

As to the point about card placements, they have sections for birthdays, loss, illness etc. A loss is a loss, be that a child, parent, partner, spouse, pet etc. All because you may not feel that the loss of a pet warrants a card [in the same spot] does not mean that others think the same. Perhaps, like the woman I mentioned in my earlier post, you would expect "Sorry for the loss of your mother" cards to be placed elsewhere to "Sorry for the loss of your child" cards in case someone buying one or the other gets offended

KIMItheThreadSlayer · 30/09/2009 10:40

Pets are totally replaceable, and as much as I love my cats I find people who think pets are their "babies" and treat them as such and think the world starts and stops with rover are creepy and should be seeing a head shrink

Rubyrubyruby · 30/09/2009 10:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OtterInaSkoda · 30/09/2009 10:41

I can't stand "sorry for your loss" cards of any description, I think they're weird. Although I did appreciate the effort people took to write a few lines, iyswim, however they arrived.
Asana, I don't think the OP was being snarky. She was just asking, tis all. But I totally agree that "my loss is bigger than yours" is crappy.

Hobnobfanatic · 30/09/2009 10:44

So, Kim - people can only run a Race for Life if they have experienced a significant human loss? Perhaps you should lobby the organisers about this. I'm sure they'd appreciate the loss of income if it wheedled out 'creepy' animal lovers.

KIMItheThreadSlayer · 30/09/2009 10:50

NO THEY CAN RUN FOR ANYTHING THEY WANT TO, I JUST FIND PEOPLE WHO PUT THE DEATH OF A DOG ON PAR WITH THE DEATH OF A PERSON A BIT ODD

KIMItheThreadSlayer · 30/09/2009 10:51

Thanks for hat and shield

BalloonSlayer · 30/09/2009 11:24

I don't think the OP is being snarky at all. Not even boojumy.

The OP is quite restrained and she is genuinely mulling over whether or not she is BU.

diddl · 30/09/2009 11:30

I think by having a pic of who your are running for, it makes it a "my loss is greater than yours" thing.

ceres · 30/09/2009 11:39

kimi - surely it is not difficult to understand that people see the world differently? to you pets might be replacable, but can you not understand that some people do not have the security of having caring, stable relationships with other human beings. to some people their pet is the only 'person' who understands them and cares for them - and often the only one they can depend on not to hurt them.

i don't think you need a hard hat or a shield - maybe just acceptance that people are different and react differently to life events.

i just want to add that i am lucky enough to have good relationships with family and friends - i have also experienced bereavement of close family members as well as a partner. despite this i still feel that my dog is not replacable - yes i could get another dog but it would not be a replacement for my dog.

rostbeef · 30/09/2009 12:58

Umm Asana the Op is NOT being snarky. I think no matter what your own feelings are you have to be sensitive to other peoples. It doesn't take much emotional intelligence to think
"I am running for my dog but maybe having a picture of that dog will offend those who have lost children/mothers/fathers/friends/HUMANS"

Its distasteful to compare grief sure - but there is a limit! A dog is an ANIMAL. It is not the same as losing someone - I don't care how much you love your pet. It is NOT THE SAME.

LilyBolero · 30/09/2009 13:10

YABU. You really think that someone running to raise money for a cancer charity having lost a relative to cancer would be offended by someone else raising money for that same charity? Because that's what they're doing. What they choose to put on their t-shirt is up to them - they are doing a GOOD thing in raising money and anyone small-minded enough to say 'it's offensive for you to think of your dog, because your loss is not as big as mine' has got a screw loose.

A dear friend of mine has a dog. He lives on his own with the dog, and the dog is his companion, his family, his best friend and his workmate. He is there with him 24/7. When he loses his dog, that will be a huge chasm in his life. And anyone who says that somehow that grief can't be compared to losing a relative (or neighbour or whatever) is utterly lacking in empathy and compassion.

LilyBolero · 30/09/2009 13:11

and what's more, you have no idea what the depth of the relationship between a runner and a 'person' on their back is. It might be a parent/sibling/child or it might be a friend of a friend, who they're running for to help their friend, in which case it is not 'grief' as such as putting a face to a cause.

SouthMum · 30/09/2009 13:25

Neither does it take much intelligence to know that grief is a personal thing which no-one else can tell another person how to feel about it.

On Sunday I sat on my fat arse eating Viscounts scratching my head wondering why I am not losing weight AND I have lost both fellow humans and pets to cancer. At least she ran FFS.

Simplistica · 30/09/2009 13:32

missM has it right I think

it doesn't matter who you are running for in your own mind, bit like when you (me?) attend a duty funeral and the person you really think about when the coffin comes isn't the eprson you barely knew but someone you loved and lost

But basic social skills would dictate one keeps that withn ones own head, and understands some people may be offended by that if their loss is recent especially.

Noo harm in it and doesn't denigrate the relationship between person and pet, but demands subtlety.

LilyBolero · 30/09/2009 13:48

but why should one person's grief be deemed 'acceptable' to put on a t-shirt, but another's be 'offensive'? Who decides that? People are too easily offended these days - if someone can be offended because someone else is raising money for charity by running, then they have their priorities wrong.

Simplistica · 30/09/2009 13:54

I don't think it is that exactly- I think it'smore emotional intelligence

grief IMO is grief- we can't choose where we feel it and who for, and at what level.When the cat died I was extremely upset,when DH's Granpie died he was very matter of fact

But there'sstill a levelof being able to say to yourself @I know the way I feel is valid and O, but others might be very early on in their grieving and see it differently, is putting this picture up going to do me mroe good than it might cause them grief?'

Perhaps the answer is yes, but I know if it were me I'd think probab not, tbh.

FimbleHobbs · 30/09/2009 14:05

The fact that she did a Good Thing by running does not excuse putting an insensitive picture on her back.

And I repeat my earlier point - the events not supporting dogs anyway. Its about humans fighting cancer.

LilyBolero · 30/09/2009 14:10

See that's where we differ - I don't think it is insensitive. And I don't think if I'd lost someone close to cancer that I would think badly of anyone who was raising money for a cancer charity, because the 'loved one' they'd lost was an animal companion instead of a human one. I might think 'that's unusual' or 'what a sweet looking dog'. But I can't see myself thinking 'How dare she put a dog on her t-shirt, I am offended.'

As someone else said, I bet there were a few Jade Goodys in there. And whilst that was very sad, I would lay bets that people running with Jade on their backs hadn't ever met her.

Hobnobfanatic · 30/09/2009 14:22

I agree Lily - I don't think it was insensitive, either. I have lost very close loved ones and I wouldn't give a toss if people had a picture of Mr Blobby or a dead parrot on their back.

Each to his own.

rostbeef · 30/09/2009 14:47

LilyBolero you say: and what's more, you have no idea what the depth of the relationship between a runner and a 'person' on their back.

In the case of the dog I think we can have a pretty good guess...? Unless.... maybe it was a Neighbourhood Dog! Or friend of a friend's dog, mum's dog, postman's dog or a celebrity cancer victim's dog!

No seriously - its a good point as we don't know what the dog meant to her - it could be that the dog means something to a person she was running for.

I just think that when running (very admirable) for a cancer charity - its in slightly poor taste to run for a dog (if that is what she was doing) when you are surrounded by so much grief on a human level. It really is never the same when a dog dies - I simply do not agree with anecdotes about "only companion" or "best friend" - a dog is a dog is a dog.

That said I would never say anything to anyone, I mean, I wouldn't say I would be OFFENDED - just like the OP I would probably think: that is in slightly poor taste if it means what I think it means (ie: dog is dead, running for dog).

MrsMerryHenry · 30/09/2009 15:13

OMG the Jodie Marsh story is just like that pillock Richard Madeley telling Bill Clinton that his impeachment for shagging Lewinsky were like the time when he'd (Madeley) been accused of shoplifting from Tesco's!!

ROFLROFLROFL

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