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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think at an event where lots of people have lost relatives to cancer you mourn the loss of your dog??

154 replies

girlsyearapart · 28/09/2009 05:53

Hi I did a 10k run yesterday for Cancer Research.
People are given a sign to put on their back to write who they are running in memory of.
Many heartbreaking messages about lost Mothers/Fathers/Children/Sisters etc. Lots of people had birth and death dates showing very short lives lost to cancer.
Anyway just about to start the race and look at woman on front of me who had a photo of her dog on her back with its name..
Well I'm a major dog lover but isn't this totally insensitive to others there who had lost relatives??
Only part of me thinking that I'm BU is that the woman was raising money which would go to actual people with cancer.
So what do you lot think?

OP posts:
chegirl · 28/09/2009 20:34

Well I have lost a dog and a child. The two dont compare. Having a card to a boyfriend next to a card next to a husband is not really the same thing.

I am not saying the cards should not exist, i would just prefer them not to be sold next to each other.
I dont think that is an unreasonable request tbh.

morningpaper · 28/09/2009 20:35

snort

I think it is insensitive and a bit bonkers

what next? A guinea pig?

pigletmania · 28/09/2009 20:37

YABU, I lost my dad and grandma to cancer, my dad when i was a child and i would no way be offended. Animas can get cancer too. That dog might have been the only family that lady has, or is like a human brother/sister to her and she is very attatched to them. people can grieve for their pets lose like they would a close member of the family. He was obviously very important to her to be put on her back. Keep on raising money for Cancer and stop worrying about what everybody else is doing.

Georgimama · 28/09/2009 20:39

You may not think it is the same thing, and for you it is not and that is fine. I wouldn't think it the same either.

But for some people the most significant bereavement they may yet have experienced is that of a pet. Lucky them, perhaps, but it is true. I don't think anyone has the right to dictate how anyone else ought to feel about something, and trying to suggest that there is a respectable distance at which a card is placed in a card shop is just a bit silly.

Pikelit · 28/09/2009 20:41

She ran, she raised money and ultimately cancer charities will benefit. There's no hierarchy of mourning, thank goodness.

chegirl · 28/09/2009 20:42

I dont think its silly at all. But then I know the difference. Lucky old you.

Georgimama · 28/09/2009 20:45

You don't know anything about me or what I have or have not lost, chegirl. You are wrong to try to dictate other people's feelings, that's all.

chegirl · 28/09/2009 20:47

But I am not. I am not saying people do not have the right to grieve for their pets. That would be dictating someones feelings. A bit like calling someone silly for being upset by something really.

Georgimama · 28/09/2009 20:51

I'm really not interested in arguing with you about this. You have been bereaved and that is terrible. But as someone else said, there is no hierachy in mourning. And there is only so much of an extent to which the workings of the world can take our feelings into account. Card shop product placement is the least of it.

SardineQueen · 28/09/2009 20:55

Georgimama that is really harsh.

chegirl · 28/09/2009 20:59

I am not interested in a hierachy of mourning. To suggest I am is offensive. Grief is grief and noone should tell anyone how to feel. Frankly I dont feel that sensitive product placement is a big ask. It makes life a little bit more bearable for some.

Thats why the congratulations on the birth of your baby cards tend not to be in the same spot as the 'so sorry to hear about your miscarraige' cards.

Because its insenstive. Not because those who have lost babies think that those who havent dont have a right to be joyful.

For someone with such strong views on the rights of others to feel they way they want to you are remarkable intolerent of my feelings. How odd.

Surfermum · 28/09/2009 21:01

I did the Macmillan Bike Ride in memory of my MIL 2 weeks after she died in June. Would it have bothered me to pass another cyclist whose sign said "In Memory of Spot the Dog"? No, I don't think it would have done I was far too caught up in my own thoughts and emotions (and cycling up a bloody great hill) to have even worried about it. I was doing it for her and to raise some money, it didn't matter why anyone else was there.

Georgimama · 28/09/2009 21:02

It isn't harsh at all.

I'm perfectly tolerant of your feelings but you want to dictate where card shops can put their cards! You can't - that's all!

BalloonSlayer · 28/09/2009 21:03

Agree with chegirl and OP.

Also feel that if the lady in question was running for her poor late doggie, then fair enough but you'd think she might realise that other people wouldn't put it on a par with their human relatives.

At the other end of the life scale, when I'd just had DC3, a friend, who had not yet seen him (which I understand, seen one newborn, seen 'em all ) kept asking: "So when are you going to come and meet OUR new baby?" (It was a dog they'd just bought, in case you were wondering.)

SardineQueen · 28/09/2009 21:06

Of course it's harsh. Someone who has been bereaved says they were upset by something. You tell them they are silly.

It is harsh.

And of course we can point out to shops when they are doing things which are insensitive/offensive - and they often change what they are doing to avoid upsetting people. It is not good for their business to cause offense or upset.

chegirl · 28/09/2009 21:08

Why cant I?

If we all ignored things we thought were wrong you wouldnt have the vote and my DS wouldnt be allowed to go to school, I could still be sacked for being pregant, adverts would still be allowed to tell blatent lies, comedians could still use the P word...

All things that plenty of people thought were silly and inconsequential.

But who am I to tell a card shop how to place their cards. How very dare I, how presumptious. Silly woman that I am.

BalloonSlayer · 28/09/2009 21:09

"Also feel that if the lady in question was running for her poor late doggie, then fair enough but you'd think she might realise that other people wouldn't put it on a par with their human relatives."

  • this sentence should have continued with "and would not have had a picture of him on her back."
positiveattitudeonly · 28/09/2009 21:19

YANBU - within a few months of our elsest daughter dying a lady that I did not know very well spoke to me in the High Street. She started off all sympathetic, then said "I know just how you feel, my dog died last week!". Jaw dropped to the floor and I walked away before I thumped her. Its now 20 years later and I cannot face that woman, even now! It was the most hurtful thing anyone said to me.

donkeyderby · 28/09/2009 21:21

YANBU. Plenty of people will have been ok with the dog picture, but plenty won't and will have felt upset and offended at a charity run for cancer in humans

ineedalifelaundry · 28/09/2009 22:02

My family has been affected by cancer. I wouldn't have been offended.

On a slightly different slant... I did a 5k run for a cancer charity a few years ago (before I'd known anyone with cancer). I thought about putting my mums name on my back because she died in a car accident only a couple of years earlier and everything I did, she was at the forerfront my mind. I chose not to do so, because she hadn't had cancer, so it felt a bit fraudulent.

I'm not easily offended, so no I wouldn't be offended by the dog. But I don't think I'd have put a picture of a dog on my back either, for fear of offending someone.

MissM · 28/09/2009 22:15

Actually I'm surprised so many people think you're being unreasonable. I still don't. No, there is no hierarchy of grief, but if I'd been doing this run, with the terrible long drawn-out death of my dear brother still very very fresh in my mind, I'd have been pretty bloody pissed off to see someone running for their dog. Grieve your dog. I'm sorry your dog died. But don't even try to compare it to the death of a human being from cancer.

And Chegirl, you are absolutely right to feel angry at the card shop. After what you've been through you'd be justified in feeling angry about everything, and you're not, and you have my utmost admiration. Sorry, but you cannot compare the death of a child to that of an animal, a loved animal or not.

CuntWhacker · 28/09/2009 22:19

YABU. Dogs get cancer too. And some people love their dogs more than they do humans.

Original poster
girlsyearapart · 29/09/2009 20:06

Sorry all those who think I was BU and who don't seem to get that I'm not trying to undermine someone's grief for an animal or diss this lady for raising money.

Even through my dog hair tinted glasses I can see that a dog is not a person however much I see him as part of our family.

I thought it was cringeworthy of her to put the dog's picture on her back on that day.

Equally I do not think she at all intended to cause offence but I was curious to see what other people thought.

OP posts:
Heifer · 29/09/2009 20:22

YABU, I would think that the woman was in fact lucky that she may not have been through anything more upsetting than the death of a dog.

I have lost 2 dogs and yes it is upsetting, but unfortunately for me I have also lost both parents (1 to cancer) so know that the grief of losing a dog is nothing compared to losing a parent. And I really loved my dogs.

I would be grateful she was running whoever she was running for. It all helps.

ThingOne · 29/09/2009 20:39

YANBU. I've had cancer. Were I yet fit enough to do a fundraising run I would not have been happy to see someone with a dog on their back. To me it would be really taking the piss.

I think it's insensitive and self indulgent.