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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think an engagement ring would be nice?

98 replies

PicketyBing · 26/09/2009 12:23

DP asked me to marry him back in January, just after DC1 was born. Said yes!

But since then things have kind of fallen by the wayside. He mentioned recently that we should get officially engaged and tell everyone and asked what we needed to do. I mentioned a ring, at which point he recoiled in horror, saying he doesn't have the money to spend on an expensive ring and we're losing sight of what it's all about.

I never said anything about expensive! I just want to be like every other girl and do it properly. So when we announce it, and people ask to see the ring, I'm not left muttering excuses about lack of cash or not believing in it. And feck me, I'd like a little romance!

We've both been married before (to other people), btw. Didn't have an engagement last time, just ran off and married, much to the disgust of my family. And no, I'm not trying to make up for no ring then by having a ring now.

So. Unreasonable?

OP posts:
morningpaper · 26/09/2009 14:34

YABU to refer to women as "other girls" and assume that "every other girl" has one

You sound like a simpering ninny from 1958

If he doesn't want to buy you an engagement ring, don't make him! It's a GIFT. Engagement is a bit bonkers anyway, just get married and have done with it.

HTH

CheerfulYank · 26/09/2009 14:44

YANBU. It's your engagement, and you want one. Go to a cool vintage shop or something.

SardineQueen · 26/09/2009 14:48

My DH insisted on having an engagement ring as well when I got mine.

It was all to do with equality, apparently.

Morosky · 26/09/2009 15:00

If it as about equality why did you not both go without?

chattermouse · 26/09/2009 15:03

YANBU. Unless you are skint it sounds like dp is being a cheapskate. It is obviously important to you and fair enough. Most women have engagement rings, dp should understand your position.

Mine is a platinum and diamand rock. And yes, i suppose i am high maintenance . I love it though and it every time it sparkles at me i am reminded of how much i love dp. It totally takes me back to our engagement which was simple but perfect. In fact i look at our photographs of that day quite often too. Am having a simple reg office do next summer and so looking forwasd to it!

SardineQueen · 26/09/2009 15:10

It was about equality for him.

I wanted a ring

So he had one too.

Fair dos.

Morloth · 26/09/2009 15:10

I don't think there actually is a right or wrong answer that applies over all situations with this.

For me, I would have been unimpressed if DH hadn't done the bended knee/ring then (or at least something romantic) and would possibly have said "No" because to me it would seem that he couldn't be bothered to make an effort (I still grin when I think about how/where he proposed). I am quite high maintenance though (I think it is best to be a little difficult ) and have never ever pretended to be otherwise, so he knew who he was proposing too.

However, for other people this isn't a big deal and that is cool as well.

If this is a big deal to you and it isn't to him, you need to have a proper talk about it. Because it is the sort of niggling little thing that sits in the back of your mind forever, even if the sensible front part of your mind is telling you to get over it.

Pikelit · 26/09/2009 15:38

Engagement rings are rather like Norfolk. Not a lot of normality to make judgements about. But certainly,if I had to nag for a ring, it wouldn't be worth having. Also, and hating to sound even more old gimmerish than usual, the "normal" traditions around engagement rings didn't take account of previous marriages or children born before weddings.

busybeingmum · 26/09/2009 15:40

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FabBakerGirlIsBack · 26/09/2009 15:42

Thanks for answering nosey me.

busybeingmum · 26/09/2009 15:43

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busybeingmum · 26/09/2009 15:44

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cariboo · 26/09/2009 15:51

No. I'm still waiting for mine. What's worse is dh was married before & confessed to having given her one! Because I'm not worth it?

dogonpoints · 26/09/2009 15:54

If he doesn't graciously offer to buy you a ring, either:

  1. Don't get one
or
  1. Don't marry him, he's not good
bluebump · 26/09/2009 16:05

My nan recently had her engagement ring valued and it came in at £6k despite being a 'flawed' diamond. DP was as I have always said i've loved my nan's ring and would like one like that, so it doesn't look like i'll be getting one soon despite being happy with one that cost £600 (or less!)

So YANBU!

belgo · 26/09/2009 16:07

I had to buy my own engagement ring, dh paid for it though. I knew he wasn't going to choose it. I would be very upset if he had refused to buy me one.

I know someone who's dh refused to buy her an engagement ring, despite the fact they have plenty of money and she really wanted one. It doesn't bode well for the future imo.

belgo · 26/09/2009 16:09

'if I had to nag for a ring, it wouldn't be worth having.'

If I had to nag for a ring, he wouldn't be worth having.

I'm not materialistic and have very little jewellary, but that is one thing that is very important to me.

fluffles · 26/09/2009 16:16

i got engaged nearly two weeks ago and don't have a ring (yet) not sure if there will be one, i'm waiting for DP to mention it and also for my birthday which is in a few days time... BUT the big difference is that we've told EVERYONE and we've also started looking for a venue and date and ought to be married within 12 months.

to me it's not about the ring but it is about making it real and public and not just an understanding between the two of you - that to me is the difference between and 'engagement' and an 'understanding', the ring is one way to make that public statement but not the only way.

cariboo · 26/09/2009 16:16

I must admit that when dh proposed AND when we got married, he was unemployed. My mum lent him a ring, for which he was suitably grateful. It was never mentioned afterwards & knowing my mum, she isn't at all bothered. It does bother me from time to time. Not dreadfully, though!

Dh doesn't attach much significance to "things". Prefers money in the bank.

Squishabelle · 26/09/2009 16:18

bluebump - dont believe these valuations. I got my step-grandmothers ring valued (similar sum). Its just insurance valuations isnt it? I would never be able to sell it for that sum.

BitOfFun · 26/09/2009 16:29

It doesn't matter what anybody else thinks though. The worry is that you two are so clearly not on the same page with your values and outlook. I don't know if I could be with someone I considered mean/cheap or who didn't seem to care enough about my feelings to consider what might make me happy. And having to go out and buy my own ring would remind me of that dissonance every day. It's not about the money, it's about a lack of understanding at best, and of caring at worst.

I think you need an honest discussion about your relationship rather than the ring.

bluebump · 26/09/2009 16:36

As far as I know Squishabelle she was just getting it reinsured, yes. My friend in an auction house seems to think they can go for a lot more than what they are valued at - not that whoever is left it would sell it, there is a lovely story of how my Papa chose it for her. See, me, i'd be happy with just a ring let alone a stonking big one with a romantic story as to how I got it behind it! Oh well!

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 26/09/2009 16:41

I can't help feeling that he should buy you a ring because it means something to you. If he doesn't want a ring it doesn't really matter but do it for you. Him buying you a ring isn't going to cause upset for him (is it??) but not buying one will cause you upset.

Original poster
PicketyBing · 26/09/2009 16:44

at "Simpering ninny from 1958" - this is the one and only time I've ever been called that! Was wrong to refer to "every other girl", that was a sweeping generalisation. You know what I meant. Hopefully.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 26/09/2009 16:56

if it has significance to you,then look for an affordable ring

the ring doesn't have to be gaudy blingtastic.simple,restrained,understated is always nice

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