to think a 4 wk old is too young to stay overnight

[Nowtheres4]

.. at xh's? i had my new dd a couple of weeks ago and xh thinsk that in 2 weeks time when he will be having the older children (12,7 and 3) he has to have dd too?
shes b/f and i have no problem with him having her all day and i cna give expressed milk in a bottle and meet for a feed break but over 48 hours is far too long ?

Nowtheres4 - so sorry that you have been forced into this position. I hope you find the strength to make this man see that this is not about his rights and he will just have to wait for a while to dictate what will happen. Enjoy your new baby girl

at the moment he lives 2 doors away (i am in his flat and hes staying with a mutual friend) but when i move we will be about 20 minutes away back where we lived as a family.

initially when dd1 was born he was very helpful and stayed with us for long periods of time, but mainly dealt with the older children.

i do trust him to look after her and the other children and i know he wouldn;t do anything to hurt them (physically, obviosuly we have both inflicted emotional damage)He is a good dad if a little strict with the older boys, but then some would argue its good they know the boundaries.

maybe i need more of a backbone?

I think you are doing very well but yes, you need to be firm. If he lives nearby there is no reason why he can't visit regularly to help out. Is DD1 your new baby?

If I were you I would draw up a schedule of contact that you can then negotiate with him. That, for me, would include visits every other day at your house after he finishes work for 1-2 hours, and one or two sessions at the weekend when he can take DD out for a couple of hours, to his flat or wherever, with a view to overnight stays at a time in the future (6 months, 9 months, 1 year) with the chance to review dependant on her sleeping pattern, ie if she is still waking twice for BF it's not appropriate. Put it in writing and discuss it with him, and then adjust depending on what you agree with him, and make sure you both have a copy. Be gentle and diplomatic and try not to get into an argument. If he bangs on about overnight stays reiterate that you do trust him but that as she is BF it isn't suitable, and appeal to his fatherly feelings to support the BF as being the best thing for her.
Only you know if he's likely to accept this reasonably but that must be your first option.

Kat I was being sarcy - trying to point out to mmred why her suggestion was not compatible with exclusive BF at this age.

I don't think this is an unreasonable request. I know MANY women who would give their right arm for thier children's fathers to want such a hands on approach. Like someone else pointed out, milk can be expressed.

I was admitted to hospital for a week when my son was little over 2 months old. It was a general ward so he couldn't come to even visit me. Whilst it was one of the hardest times for me, it sure did give me a chance to rest and made DP much more appreciative of what we women do. I was quite proud of the fact that he coped as well as he did.

Quite often we women are quick to point out when men don't pull thier weight or do thier fair share. So i think that when men offer to do so, we should let them prove that they are capable and we should be grateful that they are prepared to muck in.

If anything else, we should be grateful of a rest!

How is putting together a forward plan incompatible with exclusive BF? Or do you think the OP plans to BF until the child is 20?

It is perfectly possible to maintain exclusive BF for very long periods of time without feeding - I did it for weeks while my DS was on SCBU.

The OP already knows she can express milk to give in a bottle and it is the length of time she is questioning - and as you can see from my posts, I have agreed with her.

I don't think that encouraging confrontation between parents is a responsible thing to to.

Oh because a plan to gradually increase contact to build up to overnights seems like an odd approach to BF. It seems like the sort of thing you would say about rehoming a cat or something. It's not a question of OPs breasts and baby getting used to being apart. It's a practical thing. Baby will be ready to go overnight when BF is settled, baby feeding is reasonably predicatable, OP is able to express enough for the feeds and predict how many roughly there will be, knows which types of bottles the baby wil take and how it likes the milk, whether it will take formula in an emergency and if so which one, etc etc. And maybe when baby is going longer at night so she doesn't have to set her alarm to go off every 2 or 3 hours through the night to pump.

I have said all the way through that it is a practical issue and that is what I think. Making plans as to when the mum and the baby will be in a position to be apart for long periods of time without having to go to ridiculous lengths is not the right way round - they should take it as it comes and overnight visits can happen when it's time. I don't agree with timetabling something like that.

I have also said all the way through that emergency separations are different - to be apart for 48 hours at 4 weeks when exclusively BF is not something to be undertaken except for necessity.

A forward plan was suggested as an approach to ensure that baby and Dad bonded and so that the relationship between Mum and Dad stayed a cordial one, not as an approach to BF.

In an ideal world you wouldn't have to consider a timetable, but here in real life lots of things happen that it is better to plan for - going back to work, for example, lots of people do that after a couple of months, and that takes planning.

There's no reason why OP can't put together a plan that includes plenty of flexibility.

Oh I see. It's hard though - my DD1 took the odd bottle when she was very small (I thought it was a good idea to have that option) but when she was 3 months she just started refusing. We tried all sorts of bottles and expressed milk/fomula combos etc but nothing worked, she just screamed and screamed. From what I have read on here that's not uncommon.

Yes if there is an unavoidable situation like hospital, going back to work etc then you just have to bite the bullet and do the whole "they'll take it when they're hungry" thing. It's not something that I would have done unless it was necessary though.

Of course OPs baby may take bottle happily and keep taking it. But she may not. Babies are unpredictable and that is where the timetabling thing falls down.

I'm also not sure that all that many people do go back to work after a couple of months these days TBH. The quickest I have heard in RL was 3 months, and the baby was switched to formula. My DD2 is now 12 weeks, and she is still feeding every hour/2 hours.

It just sounds like a nightmare.

What is wrong with dad having baby for a few hours in the day regularly is anyones guess.

Well done for sticking up for you and your baby.
Re; dropping off/picking up, can't he do that or at least one of them?
Why don't you try a shorter time, then build it up I may get flamed but 7 hours does sound like a lot for a first time. What about 3 or 4?

Given what the dad has done, I'm also not sure that the OP should be spending her early weeks with her new baby bending over backwards to ensure that his unreasonable demands can be met ASAP.

I would say even being away from her for a whole day is too much Yes she can have expressed milk. But she is still tiny. And she needs more than just your milk. She needs your smell and touch to be comforted and feel secure. Being away from these - and with an unfamiliar person to boot -w ill be distressing for her.

agree with cw

I would worry about the possible disruption to the milk supply at such an early stage. OP intends to BF for 12 months or so as she did with the older DCs, couldn't not being suckled for 48 hours just 4 weeks in dry her up a bit? I struggled to produce enough milk, and any drop in feeding dramatically affected my production.

It really seems impractical to me to risk this for the sake of a weekend 'bonding'.