to think a 4 wk old is too young to stay overnight

[Nowtheres4]

.. at xh's? i had my new dd a couple of weeks ago and xh thinsk that in 2 weeks time when he will be having the older children (12,7 and 3) he has to have dd too?
shes b/f and i have no problem with him having her all day and i cna give expressed milk in a bottle and meet for a feed break but over 48 hours is far too long ?

feeling for 4 week old baby whose parents have separated

YANBU - far too young to be away from mum

Being separated from mum for an extended period of time is extremely stressful for small babies. I don't think 4 week olds are likely to have much of a concept of their 'rights' to see their father, but they will certainly be aware of the separation from their mother, it's just biology no matter how much you might wish it otherwise more.

Oh that smiley response was at squiglet, obviously!

Never been called over dramatic before. Like the sound of it though...

If my DD had been gone for 48 hours at 4 weeks my breasts would have exploded.

Although having reread my post I can't see that it was particularly dramatic. It wasn't even that interesting

But see you can't win with me here because if you say that it is "extremely stressful for small babies to be separated from their mum's at 4 weeks", that "the thought of it makes me ", "it is an insane idea", "it is stupid" etc. etc. you are saying that my leaving me and my husband's baby in his care whilst in hospital has somehow traumatised our daughter!!

No, they can't have babies on their own if the mother isn't comfortable with it. Mothers are more important to the welfare of small babies. That's basic biology and human history for you.

Apart from anything else, human babies are born too soon in biological terms - uniquely vulnerable and dependent. It's because we are apes who stand upright. Human babies should be born at 12 months gestation but our pelvis has tilted as we stand, so 'normal' ape gestation in line with our closest relatives would lead to babies too big to be born.

Oh rubbish! What about the cases where the mother dies in childbirth, is the father supposed to give up the baby to another woman?
A father is just as capable of looking after their newborn baby as the mother. He can provide for it in one way or another just as well as the mother can. No he does not have milk producing boobies, but either the mother can express or he can give it formula.

He isn't as capable as looking after a newborn as her - it's her EX so he hasn't been there every night from the beginning, he has never been around all night, and for fuck sake, it's not the same as leaving the baby with your loved and trusted DH, it's her EX.

OP, YANBU, no way in a month of sundays. I don't care if other women think it's selfish, there is no way I'd have been away from my NB overnight under any circs. I'm still not happy about being away from DS overnight now and he's 1 year. I wouldn't like it no matter who he was left with.

I meant he isn't as capable as looking after this NB as the OP.

Shineoncrazydiamond you might have been happy with that, good for you. Horses for courses. But if the OP isn't that should be respected. I wouldn't have left DS with DH at 4 weeks, nor my mum, or anyone else I trusted implicitly.

A father is not as capable as a mother for a 4 week old bf baby for the simple reason that he has no breasts. Its not bloody rocket science.
Baby needs to be where the boobs are, end of.

And you wouldn't find a court in the land to tell you otherwise. The most rabid fathers rights nut would hae a hard time arguing for this one.

If hes a good father with the childrens best interests at heart, he wouldn't need to be told that its a stupid idea. Any father with half a brain would know it already.

op - does it have to be 48 hours? would you consider 24 (or in fact less but still overnight iyswim)I have to say I agree with More that men are just as capable (obv. apart from not having boobs). However I also agree with others that, in your circumstances, your ex may not be quite as capable - not because he's a man though, but simply because he won't have had the 4 weeks that you've had to learn all about her, to stare, and soak in every little (lovely)detail. but that, in fact, could be an argument for letting him do this - the sheer intensity of looking after such a little one is something that, imo, helps our love for them (whether we are male or female) cement and grow. which can only be a good thing.

Apart from his abilitites the other difficulty everyone's been pointing out, is breast-feeding and expressing. and here, at 4 weeks, I agree that 48 hours might be difficult (but every woman and every baby is different, so it's very hard to generalise). depending on how feeding and expressing is going could you suggest that his first overnight is in fact 12-ish hours and not 48? in actual fact if he's been having her for the day, in terms of time, that would actually be a gradual step.

things must be very difficult for you now but if you and ex can work together imo it will have great benefits in the long-term. if you can talk this through, see each other's pov, make sure you both have dd's interests at heart, you should be able to come up with a plan that suits everyone as best as possible in the circumstances.

and finally - all of the above could be batted away if, in fact, your ex is, just an irredeemable arse. but perhaps he's not.

good luck - and congrats on your newborn. enjoy her.

Shineonecrazydiamond, almost exact same circumstances as me, but my exH and I also had a toddler in the mix too.

I had to do what was right for ALL of us and, even though it DID break my heart at the time, our baby went away with exH (plus toddler) at 5 weeks old.

I had no worries about his capabilities as he is an excellent father and I was absolutely sure it was the best thing all round for all 4 of us.

8 years on everyone is happy and my exH has a fantastic relationship with our youngest as much as our oldest DC.

Close friends and family berated me for my decision at the time but they were soon eating their harsh words when they saw what a positive impact my exH having proper contact from a very young age has had.

Admittedly I wasnt b/f but I would have worked out a way for it to happen if I was.

It doesn't work. You would really mess up your milk supply attempting to express sufficient amounts in advance. The amounts needed are completely unpredictable. Away from the mother the baby could become much more distressed and want to feed more frequently. And growth spurts are very common at 4 weeks.
The mother left behind could try and maintain her supply with the pump but it really isn't the same. The best pump in the world doesn't reproduce the little tongue/ lower jaw wiggle that stimulates your supply in the way a baby does. One or two pumping sessions a day can work at that age but exclusive pumping for more than 24 hrs is very unlikely to not make some sort of adjustment to supply. If a mother is also feeling stressed she may actually not manage to achieve a letdown when pumping and could easily end up with a blocked duct or mastitis. 48hrs is really likely to cause supply and breast problems.
And that's simply addressing breastfeeding as 'food' rather than discussing the fact the baby hasn't even twigged it's a separate being from the mother yet.

i dont think it is an insane idea

your ex wants to spend some time with his dd (and least he wants to, many ex's dont )

yes you are bf, but you said you will express or he could use formula (if you wanted to) and do mix feeding

its for one night - i assume you trust your ex, so let all your children go and have a good nights sleep/pamper/see a friend and then look forward to having your children back next day

Ok, ignoring whether or not the baby is old enough for a moment, what about the other children? Having a four week old sibling and seperated parents is fairly disruptive - might they appreciate a night with their dad without the baby? And might it not be a bit of a non-weekend for them, if he's spending the whole time getting to grips with the newborn? I don't have, and have never yet had a newborn, but seeing friends and relatives, most of them are complete wrecks for the first six weeks or so. Wouldn't a compromise - a couple of hours on one of the days so mum can get some rest and dad can spend some time with all the children, then baby back to mum and dad and the older kids get quality time - work best for everyone?

The OP didn;t say she would give formula - she said she would feel the same whether the baby was BF or FF, but that she was BF.

Also it's 48 hours so 2 nights.

Either way, personally it sounds like something I wouldn't contemplate while exclusively BF a 4 week old except in an emergency.

The OP hasn't been back for ages though - maybe she has expressed like this before, been away from her other children while BF at this age and knows it will be OK?

Otherwise I think that her original suggestion of sitting inthe car outside to be on call as a milk bank will be the easiest and most practical solution to this (from a feeding perspective).

YANBU it's far too young. I think the baby needs it's mum (or main carer) more at that age. it's biological surely? I think 2 is a better age for overnights or before if you/baby are ready.

btw I excl bf for 6 months and still bf now at 10 months but have never been able to express. Not that simple!!! Also, expressing is not quite as good as actual bf if bf is avaliable..

She should sit outside his house for 48 hours to be on call to BF? Yeah right. It's a crazy suggestion. All of it.

I don't think it is true to say "it is easily sorted out by expressing!"

I think it is a nice sentiment that he wants to see the littlest and to keep them all together but it is really impractical and not sensible. There's no benefit to a 4 week old to being separated overnight from it's mother. Contact should be about the child.

He's an xp not an xf