Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

for being annoyed with DS & Ex - or are they?

14 replies

hatesponge · 24/09/2009 22:34

DSs play football on a Thurs. Ex drops them back at mine after, about 8.30pm.

So, they come home tonight at 8.30pm. We eat dinner, have a chat. They both go and have a bath & get ready for bed.

So, about 30 mins ago, I ask DS1 (who is 11 just started year 7,) to sort out his schoolbag for tommorrow. At which point he remembers that he has left 2 pieces of homework (which have to be handed in tomorrow am without fail) in Ex's car. One of the homeworks is also imcomplete.

So I tell him to phone Ex - he does & is told Ex is too tired to drive round with it, he will drop it off at DS2's childminder in the morning and DS1 can pick it up from there. Fine except that DS1 will have no time to complete the unfinished homework unless he & DS2 leave extra early (they already leave at 7.20, to have time to do homework he will have to get the previous bus, which goes at 6.50am).

Ex has now switched off his phone, thereby preventing any further discussion.

Am so annoyed with DS1 for forgetting his homework, have shouted at him & sent him to bed as will have to get him up at 6am in the morning

However am equally, no make that more annoyed with Ex for being his usual unhelpful self.

I suspect I will be told IABU, & its just one of those things......

OP posts:

alicet · 24/09/2009 22:38

I think your ds has been irresponsible and probably deserves a telling off. This depends a bit on whether this is out of character for him in which case perhaps a more monior telling off, or a regular occurence in which case I would be tempted to tell him 'tough luck mate, if you get in trouble for not completeing your homework then thats your problem and maybe you'll remember next time'

I'd be more cross with ex tbh. I would understand it if he has had a couple of drinks and can't drive but too tired and then switching your phone off is crap tbh. Unless it is a regular thing from your ds in which case I would understand his response tbh (alhtough turning phone off is pretty crap)

not sure if that helps tbh!!!

alicet · 24/09/2009 22:38

oops at all the typos - sorry!

SlartyBartFast · 24/09/2009 22:40

if he gets detention, he will learn from his mistake. which it was. his mistake. however your ex wasnt being very helpful. on the other hand, it was pretty late to remember.

SlartyBartFast · 24/09/2009 22:40

by late does he mean over the limit.?

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 24/09/2009 22:41

No, that does sound annoying. I would have thought he could drop it around, assuming he does not live too far away.
OTOH though it might be a salutary lesson for your DS on the perils of leaving homework till the last minute.
Three nights running this week, DD1 (yr 8)has suddenly "remembered" at 8.30pm that she had homework due in the next day - homework she had had up to two weeks to do, even though she claimed at the weekend to have done it all...
So she has been up to 10pm every night doing homework, which I am not happy about.

echofalls · 24/09/2009 22:43

Your ds needs to take responsibilty for his own stuff, this will be a lesson to him.

You don't mention how far away your ex lives, could this be a factor. He has probably switched his phone off as he gone to bed!

Original poster

hatesponge · 24/09/2009 22:53

Both DSs are pretty bad about leaving things they need at the 'wrong' house iyswim - seems to be one of the main problems with Ex and I living in separate houses, and has been an ongoing problem since we split. Part of me thinks its a bit of a protest by them at having to split their time between 2 homes......

to be fair to DS1, he did only get given the incomplete homework today, the other piece he got earlier in the week. Am not sure why either wasn't in his schoolbag but just left in the car though. And cross though I am with him, I really don't want him to get a detention, he's only been at the school for 3 weeks

Ex could easily have dropped it round, he lives about 5 miles away. He won't have had a drink, it will just be that he can't be bothered

OP posts:

Original poster

hatesponge · 24/09/2009 22:56

EF, knowing my Ex as I do, he will have switched his phone off so neither DS1 nor I can call him, it won't be the first time unfortunately.

OP posts:

2rebecca · 24/09/2009 23:12

My kids had to take responsibility for their own stuff from about age 10-11. Blaming your ex is unreasonable. You said he wouldn't drive it round but I doubt that you offered to go over there and pick it up either. It's no more his fault than your fault. When kids travel between houses this sort of thing happens. My kids just apologise to the teacher and try and remember next time. We don't destroy the ozone layer doing unnecessary car trips.

Everhopeful · 24/09/2009 23:22

YANBU to be annoyed, but agree with 2rebecca that you could have got it as easily as Ex could bring it round if you have a car (perhaps you don't?). Don't yell at DS, just fine him petrol money! If you don't have a car, then definitely YANBU.

Original poster

hatesponge · 24/09/2009 23:23

I would have gone to pick it up, however I don't drive (and it's at least 40 minute bus journey) plus that would mean me taking 2 children out at this time of night - Ex would have been able to drive over on his own.

I don't really agree its my fault - unless I should be checking with DSs every night as soon as they get to the door if they have everything they need for tomorrow, and making them run back to the car (hopefully before Ex has driven off) to collect anything they've forgotten.

Apologising to teacher won't do DS any good at his school. Forgotten/unfinished homework is an automatic detention & loss of merit points.

Hopefully he'll manage to get the early bus tomorrow & finish it before school starts.

OP posts:

echofalls · 24/09/2009 23:27

5 miles makes it a 10 mile round trip though. Can understand why you are annoyed though.

Our children split their time between two houses and this isn't a problem for us, although to be fair this has been the situation for 10 years now, so it could just be practice.

How about you put a note in your ds bag tomorrow to give to his teacher to say that he has inadvertantly left his homework at his dads and he will hand it in on Monday...they will be used to this scenario.

2rebecca · 24/09/2009 23:37

It isn't your fault, but it isn't your exes fault either. It's your son's fault. At 11 he should be capable of looking after his own stuff and checking the house before he leaves and the car before he gets out.
If you don't think 11 is old enough to start accepting responsibility for your own stuff then when is?
Overmummying isn't good for them. He forgets to collect his stuff from the car, he gets detention. Sounds fair enough to me. Different if this was a little kid.

supagirl · 25/09/2009 11:17

yanbu imo.

I think IF it was homework that had been left to the last moment (ie given out last week) then I would let your ds take the flak for leaving it to the last minute BUT as it was handed out that day I think it's an easy enough mistake to make for DS - yes at 11 he needs to start taking responsibility but COME ON! I forgot to pay a cheque into the bank yesterday even though I walked right past it......it was important and I was annoyed with myself but it happens to us all!

I don't think your ex is necessarily being unreasonable either, he can't really be expected to drop everything to ferry a sheet of homework back and forth, even if it is a 10 mile round trip.....

so, I think the school abu here by giving ONE EVE to complete homework. I would be writing a note explaining what happened and stating I do not sanction any detention on this occasion but will speak to DS and try to ensure we work out a way that this doe snot happen again......

Flip