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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think there is something wrong with these priorities

24 replies

mmrred · 22/09/2009 22:17

Have a friend (of a friend, really) who is very negative about her DS spending time with his Dad, because she feels that Mums are more important. She told us this tale to illustrate how her family prioritise children and their relationships with their
Mums.

Her sister's son fell off a climbing frame and broke his arm. He had to have some kind of op. At the hospital he was crying and asking for his Daddy. (This couple are together, BTW)He said he wanted his Daddy to take him down for the op. The sister was hurt by this, and when Daddy arrived from work , they discussed it and agreed that Daddy should go again and Mummy take the child down for the op to strengthen 'their bond'.

Is it just me who thinks...

OP posts:

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 22/09/2009 22:19

No you are right. She should have respected the child's wishes and not competed over who gets to to wear the most favoured parent badge.

pjmama · 22/09/2009 22:20

Rotten buggers!! In those circumstances, Mum should have got over herself and let the poor kid be comforted any way he chose. Selfish.

janeite · 22/09/2009 22:20

She sounds horribly insecure tbh.

thesilverlining · 22/09/2009 22:22

the child has clearly picked up on mum's attitude and so is clinging to dad more maybe?.....in case mum "sends daddy away" if that makes sense

applepudding · 22/09/2009 22:23

poor child.

RobynLou · 22/09/2009 22:26

why couldn't they both be there? very odd.

Meglet · 22/09/2009 22:27

yanbu. She sounds like she has 'issues'.

Original poster

mmrred · 22/09/2009 22:42

I am so glad other people think the same - sometimes people are so adamant you start thinking you are the weird one! Weirdly, I've always felt that the sister was the more 'normal' one, and the friend of a friend the one who had 'issues'. I guess it's whole family disfunction thing.

OP posts:

BettySwollux · 22/09/2009 22:55

YANBU, DS1 had a hernia op a couple of years ago, aged 10 and wanted DH to go with him to theatre (only one parent allowed).
I admit to feeling a bit hurt, but am SAHM and DH self employed so sometimes works long hours.
The DSs miss their dad.

Of course DH went to theatre with DS1.
It was about him.
NOT me.

mollymawk · 22/09/2009 22:59

She needs to read Raising Boys.

piscesmoon · 22/09/2009 23:01

I sometimes think they forget that they are the adults!

1dilemma · 22/09/2009 23:13

YANBU

fruitstick · 22/09/2009 23:14

My DS1 (3) had to do a nursery collage project this week of things and people that were important to him.

I was told in no uncertain terms that I couldn't be on it.

DH - yes
DS2 - yes
Peppa Pig - definitely

I managed to squeeze myself on in a group shot!

This woman is a loon and clearly needs to grow up.

1dilemma · 22/09/2009 23:45

lol fruitstick
at least you know where you stand with peppa bet you'll buy that peppa magazine or peppa toy for Christmas now wont you?

supagirl · 23/09/2009 10:34

yanbu - with that attitude I'm not surprised the LO wanted Daddy!

Some parents need to grow up and get over themselves.

DS told me this morning that he loves me as much as he loves watching Ben 10! I didn't know whether to be sad or glad, I mean he does REALLY love watching Ben 10.......

Stigaloid · 23/09/2009 10:45

YANBU

My son adores DH. This morning when DH went to go have a shower DS walked into the kicthen calling for 'daddy'. Saw me and went 'oh'. So not impressed to find mum making his breakfast, lunch and packing his bag up for the day. It is clear who is favoured in our household and whilst it sometimes miffs me it isn't about me, it is about our little man and i love the bond he has with his father.

Your friend is slightly fruit loops and that was unkind of her sister to deny a scared child the comfort he requested.

AMumInScotland · 23/09/2009 10:53

The priority ought to be the child, not a competition to be the favoured parent. Poor kid, no wonder he wanted daddy when mummy is clearly a selfish cow who thinks her own feelings are more important than the child's comfort in a stressful situation.

mummygirl · 23/09/2009 10:56

YANBU
this is not only about "the bond" and who the chld needed to be comforted by, it is this very common and irritating attitude of believing that mothers are better parents that fathers.
You know, the whole "it's in a woman's nature" bollocks.

Poor little mite, he just wanted his daddy (who by the way left work to be with his boy, only to be sent away again...).

Notsochilledanymore · 23/09/2009 10:58

My daughter calls DH "Daddy" and me "Not Daddy". Has done ever since she started talking. Not hurt at all by this!

SardineQueen · 23/09/2009 10:59

YANBU. I encourage DH and the DDs to be close (obviously) and I am proud that they turn to both/either of us rather than it always being about mummy. Seems more balanced. And takes the pressure off me a bit

stealthsquiggle · 23/09/2009 11:00

FGS - child should have whichever parent it wants - ideally both, I would have thought.

Our DC will cry for whichever parent is not there at any given time, generally.

(LOL at Fruitstick manoeuvering herself into the collage)

NormaStanleyFletchachacha · 23/09/2009 11:06

YANBU - that is frankly Barking.

DS2 has had loads of op's to straighten his foot and leg. Only one parent allowed, and he was given the choice each time.

It is not the best experience in the world either, having to hold your child while they go under. You are doing it for them. It isn't something I have ever enjoyed

Original poster

mmrred · 24/09/2009 00:12

Its a whole family ethos, really - and I'm not sure they realise they're doing it/realise it's not normal. Their Mum left their Dad and made contact very difficult (they didn't have an overnight with him until FOF was 12) so that she could have a relationship with a married man who lived with them 3 days a week and with his wife and family the rest of the time.

So I suppose that's bound to scar you - it just scares me that they see this kind of stuff as normal.

Could I just show my ignorance and ask for details of Raising Boys? Wouldn't mind having a look myself.

OP posts:

mollymawk · 24/09/2009 21:55

Just come back to this. Raising Boys is by Steve Biddulph and I have found it quite enlightening (so far - my older DS of 2 is only 6 so I have a lot more of the book to use!). It's hard for me to precis it but I reckon there will be a good summary on amazon or somewhere.

Anyway one of the things it says is that from the age of about 6 a boy starts to be more interetsed with being with his father (something about learning how to be a man etc). I am no expert and also have lent the book to my friend so haven't read it for a while so this might not be quite right but the upshot is I would recommend getting a copy!

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