For not expecting an earful of abuse just because I want us to look at our holiday snaps as a family

[pissedoffandcrying]

I am a regular, but have a few MN mates on FB and don't want to be identified.

We have just got back from holiday and DP asked if I wanted to look at our holiday snaps blown up for the first time on our telly. He plugs the camera into his X box and me, him and DS settle down in front of it to look at the photos together. We get half way through them (about 20 mins in) when a message pings up from one of his mates inviting him to some online thing so he accepts and all I can hear is him chatting to them about computer games. I ask him nicely if he can wait until we have finished before he starts talking online to his mates and with that he says "Hold on mate, I've got the bitch in my ear again" and starts yelling at me to stop intefering. I say to him that chatting to his mates when we are supposed to be looking at our holiday snaps is rude as we are supposed to be having some family time together and that calling me a bitch is disrespectful. With that he turns the X box off, shoves the camera at me and tells me he is going out.

So now I am sat at the PC crying (when I am supposed to be studying). My question is Am I being unreasonable to expect DP to not chat to his mates when we are supposed to be looking at our holiday pictures? Why could he not have just waited until we had finished. And now I have to do tea, bath and bedtime when it is his turn, and I really need to study as I have an assignment due next week.

Calling you "the bitch" to his friends in front of your son is totally unacceptable in my book. If you can't influence him to change this behaviour, all that is left to you is what you do about it.

It sounds like the accident is a red herring if, as you say, he was like this before it happened. As slowreadingprogress said, it's not your fault but, up till now, you have been allowing this behaviour. If he can't/won't stop treating you so poorly, you have to concentrate on what is within your power to influence - draw a line in the sand.

he was nasty

sorry youre upset
he sounds like a teenager poor you!

What a dreadful man. He called you "the bitch" to his friend because that's how he names you to them routinely, and how you are named to himself. As for all this "you know I swear", he is blaming you for it. Bastard.

And while I'm here, I've yet to hear of women/girls going on "anger management" courses, in my work as a teacher, or on these boards. No doubt someone will be along soon to tell me otherwise, but it sounds like a fancy label for unacceptable male behaviour.

The OP, your boy will grow up seeing women as verbal punchbags, as no doubt, your bloke and his brother did.
This man is an abuser, of you and your child. Think of it in those terms; your health and safety, and that of your boy. The man can look after himself.

This isn't an anger issue, this is a disrespect issue and you are enabling it by making excuses...it's his upbringing/he will be better after anger management/he doesn't really mean it/he doesn't sleep...it's all bollocks, no one has the right to speak to another person in this way

Is this how you want your son, the next generation, to treat women?? They will learn by example and grow up into the same 'angry' man

I would leave until this anger management is over and he agrees to relate or similar before you even consider taking him back

YANBU - he has been disrespectful and rude to you in front of your DC.
Sorry - can't help as I also have one like that - just sending you hugs - and hoping you get wise and helpful answers from others

right we know the mn posse think he is disreskkin you,leave him etc

deep breath

what do you want to do?
what can you do?
what support do you have,do you have good confidant?

the anger management works for some, not all. basically it requires commitment to reflect upon actions and a propensity to change.he may or may not have that ability, the facilitators will know soon enough

reading your post, you describe a behavioural and mood change in him
"He is so different to the person I met all those years ago" - key question why what has happend what has changed?
any significant events?

and of course it is intolerable to live and raise a familiy like this

who made the referral for anger mgt?gp?cmht?what was reason for referral
is he known to professionals, does he have any interventions/visits

WHY don't you expect to be wined and dined and treated like a princess?

WHY do you think that this is only slightly out of order?

That revolting man treats you like a dog.

I expect to be wined and dined and treated like a princess, and I set that expectation for myself after I ended an abusive relationship in 2007.

Guess what?

I am now wined and dined and treated like a princess. Because I would expect no less.

I am the princess, I am the prize to attain, my bed is the mecca at which I expect my boyfriend to worship, and he does. I let my ex get away with violence, verbal abuse, immaturity and irresponsibility - and funnily enough, that's exactly what he did because I didn't believe I had the authority to stop him.

Grow some pride in yourself, some standards for the way you expect the world to treat you.

YOU have the authority over your life, and luckily we live in a country where society will back you up on it.

Get this twat away from you. He has 'problems' oh BOOFUCKINGHOO>. They aren't caused by you so why should you take the flack? They aren't caused by your poor little boy, so why should he have to stand by while his mother gets used as a verbal shitrag?

Totally agree with colditz on here why dont you deserve these things, of course you do, you deserve to be treated with the utmost love and respect not like a nothing like this b&"@%t treats you. Put your son and yourself first, stop making excuses and leave!!!!! Have you got someone very close like a good friend and relative that will help.

The fact is this man sees you as a bitch, you said that he was like this before. My dh is no hearts and flowers man but treats me with the utmost love and respect and would never ever put me down like that,even though we do have arguments like most people do. You deserve nothing less.

There are so many clues to the type of person he is in the OP.
The fact that this row had something to do with chatting to his mate about gaming and his X Box is hint enough that he has the maturity of your average 10 year old. I know many men enjoy online gaming etc, but it does start to infringe on family life and causes them to revert to their selfish little boy selves, except in a big grown-up body. Dangerous and not helpful when raising the next generation. You should not have to suffer his revolting, childish behaviour either. It won't get better.

Sorry for not coming back sooner. Have had a full on day at university and left the house at 7.30am.

Ok, to answer some of your questions when I first met DP he was the nicest, sweetest kindest person you could expect to meet. I thought I was so lucky to have met him. He was everything I ever wanted. His anger came out a few years later. I don't know the exact reason but from what I can gather its a combination of his shitty mother, being bullied at school and general pissed offnesss at the way some parts of his life turned out. He has often said that if he hadn't met me then he doesn't know where he would be now and that I have changed his life for the better in many ways.

After years of angry outbursts, breaking things and occasional pushing around he finally agreed to ask for anger management. He used to say it was all my fault for winding him up but now realises that it is not my fault and that it is down to his issues. It got really bad a few months ago and I decided I was going to leave in January (due to various reasons this would be a better time than any other). This was not discussed with him but over the past few months he has really made the effort and I honestly thought we had turned a corner. He can still be the incredibly thoughtful lovely person I first met but can also be the horrendous person I just described. I know it is wrong but I feel I would be doing him a diservice if I didn't at least give the anger management a chance to work. DS would hate it if I took him away from his dad and truthfully I am completely and utterly terrified.

I have friends here but no-one who knows what I go through. More going out friends than in depth chatting about emotional things type of friends really. The two friends who do know both live miles away from me in my old home town and they both have huge problems of their own at the moment. My parents were abusive so I don't see them which just leaves my Aunt who could help financially but lives abroad.

DP came home last night and asked if I was "Still in a mood". He tells me he turned off the microphone so his mates didn't hear but he still said it so this does not make it ok.

I will try to get back on later but if not I will tomorrow. Thanks for reading if you have got this far!

who referred him to anger mgt?they must be aware of issues hence referral?

He turned off the microphone? Didn't you write here yesterday that he said "Hold on mate, I've got the bitch again in my ear?" "Hold on mate?" Hello?
Stop making excuses for him, anger issues are not a good enough justification for that sort of behaviour. It's one thing to have a temper and even get in a verbal fight sometimes with you, another to be calling you THE bitch to his mates.
I am sorry, I've been in a similar situation, I know it's hard. But you must start having some more respect for yourself or you're in for a lifetime of misery imo. You don't deserve this and your little boy doesn't either. He can always see his dad, but to see him in those circumstances- behaving that way to his mother-please think about it. You deserve love and respect.

going on at her to make certain choice is also bullying

the only person who can decide when enough is enough is pissedoffandcrying - and as much as the situation she describes is awful.it isnt fair to berate her

she needs to assert her own decisions,not the mn posse shouting leave him

i see peoople act with good intentions but only she can initiate and chose her path

and as much as it may not sit well with others.well it is her choice

Thanks everyone. I know what you are all suggesting would be a great idea in principle but in theory it is not as easy as "just leaving" (thanks Scottishmummy for understanding this)Truthfully, how many of you have the resources, bravery and finances to up and leave right now if you had to? I honestly believe that if money were no object and I had a good support network ie family in the area, a friend who knows me warts and all close by I may have been able to do something a while ago. however it really is not that simple and I still want the AM to work. Of course we don't live in an ideal world and there is an excellent chance it won't work but atm I am absolutely terrified of what the future holds and just don't know what to do for the best.

Scottishmummy - in relation to the AM he was referred by his GP. He is also seeing an OT and he has discussed his anger issues with her too but she is not qualified in AM to deal with it. Apparently there is a very long waiting list...

thats what i am getting at.fact that he is on gp radar.gp aware of his outbursts.has he had a recent physical check over, medication review, etc.

can you discuss with your gp how dh is impacting upon you, the impact and anguish of his outburst. if you see a deterioration tell dh gp too

ot's can do excellent group work though. what about a day hosp referral.
or some group work
unfortunately many therapies are over subscribed have long wait

Yes - he is seeing an OT on a regular basis but the medication he was on does not agree with him so he is on none right now. Sadly GP is next to useless and is well known for being like this. I was actually very surprised DP got referred in first place. I am hoping the AM when it eventually comes through one on one though as DP has that many issues I don't think it would work on a group work basis. I just want it to come through soon - either it works and we sort it out or it doesn't and I find a way to go. I just want to be out of limbo land

does he attends hosp or clinic post accident?you could go back gp discuss his behaviour,poor sleep.maybe anothermedication review

don't keep this to yourself
do keep trying to get support eg family therapy, relate, individual stuff for him

reading your post, you describe a behavioural and mood change in him
"He is so different to the person I met all those years ago" - key question why what has happened what has changed?
any significant events?

you need to regulate and protect yourself and children too. you have nees. make sure you seek help

No significant events as far as I know Scottishmummy. He says he has always been an angry person, but was able to keep it well hidden for the first few years. Not sure why he could do that then but not now. I find it very interesting that his brother is the same if not worse. Wonder if its genes, or something to do with upbringing.

He is seeing the OT on a regular basis and is about to try physio. I would like to try Relate or something similar but don't think we can afford it. Is there any way you can get this on the NHS?

Being angry is usually an upbringing thing with parents rewarding anger/ not ignoring it or punishing it. If parents get angry and swear kids are more likely to see that as OK behaviour and copy it. It's more a personality thing than an illness thing. He has to take responsibility for his anger though and not see it as something professionals have to sort out. He is still choosing to swear at you and be angry and abusive. Even if he angers easily it is still something he could control if he wanted to. There would probably be books on anger management in the library if he wanted to start working on it now.
I thought relate was free or fairly cheap if on low income, compared to a divorce it is probably cheap.

family therapy free but waiting list,see gp for referral.is he known to cmht could they offer him support

Wow, what a hateful thing to call you, especially to call you that to his friends... He has serious issues if this is a regular occurance... I think you need to have a serious talk with him, as that's totally out of line, whatever does your son think of it? He will pick up on that like a sponge...

No you are not being unreasonable he is being a twat.

Why are you with someone who talks to you like that?

Pissedoff it's not as easy as just leaving, you're right. There are finances to consider etc.My previous posts sound harsh, but I'm angry with your P because of my twat IYSWIM. It took me 9 years. Then I engineered the situation to my own advantage and he's not living with me anymore. What I'd say is think about ways of getting out, call Womensaid and explore your options. Above all, keep your head up girl! There are lots of us on here who really do understand.