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Original poster

For not expecting an earful of abuse just because I want us to look at our holiday snaps as a family

76 replies

pissedoffandcrying · 21/09/2009 17:16

I am a regular, but have a few MN mates on FB and don't want to be identified.

We have just got back from holiday and DP asked if I wanted to look at our holiday snaps blown up for the first time on our telly. He plugs the camera into his X box and me, him and DS settle down in front of it to look at the photos together. We get half way through them (about 20 mins in) when a message pings up from one of his mates inviting him to some online thing so he accepts and all I can hear is him chatting to them about computer games. I ask him nicely if he can wait until we have finished before he starts talking online to his mates and with that he says "Hold on mate, I've got the bitch in my ear again" and starts yelling at me to stop intefering. I say to him that chatting to his mates when we are supposed to be looking at our holiday snaps is rude as we are supposed to be having some family time together and that calling me a bitch is disrespectful. With that he turns the X box off, shoves the camera at me and tells me he is going out.

So now I am sat at the PC crying (when I am supposed to be studying). My question is Am I being unreasonable to expect DP to not chat to his mates when we are supposed to be looking at our holiday pictures? Why could he not have just waited until we had finished. And now I have to do tea, bath and bedtime when it is his turn, and I really need to study as I have an assignment due next week.

OP posts:
Portofino · 21/09/2009 18:18

YANBU! If my DH referred to me as a bitch to one of his mates, not to mention in front of dd, he and his Xbox would be out the door! I don't know about anger management - he sounds like he has no respect for you. I would NOT tolerate this. for you!

differentID · 21/09/2009 18:25

he called you a bitch?

Why has he not lost his balls yet to a kitchen knife?

He's a knob and the sooner he gets onto this anger management course, the better I think.

slowreadingprogress · 21/09/2009 18:38

Your poor ds to have heard that from his dad to his mum - and you say he has heard worse

This is one of the only things that I think negates the usual 'rule' for me which is that parents should stay together even if a relationship is not ideal. This is verbal abuse and therefore your child is growing up in an abusive household and will be damaged by that.

Personally, I would seperate until and unless he gets this anger management stuff under way. I simply would not live with, or bring my child up with, someone who could talk to me that way.

Original poster
pissedoffandcrying · 21/09/2009 18:42

Yes - sadly you are right. It is not just about the photos. This sort of behaviour has been going on for longer than I want to admit and makes me want to give up. All I want is to be spoken to with respect but he says things like "You know I swear - why let it bother you" even though the swearing is often directed at me. He knows it is wrong but still keeps doing it. I just hope the anger management works

OP posts:
slowreadingprogress · 21/09/2009 18:46

I think this is going to sound wrong - but he does this because you allow him to.

That is not me saying this is your fault though I know it's a fine distinction

It is not your FAULT

but you need to show him more clearly that if he does this it means the end for you as a couple. I guess you have to come to a point where you feel it is the end of you if he carries on.

Glitterknickaz · 21/09/2009 18:52

YANBU
if DH did this to me he'd find his belongings on the doorstep when he got back, with the x box pride of place on the top of the pile - after I'd smashed it with a hammer of course

pigletmania · 21/09/2009 18:53

What a basterd YANBU, he is being selfish and self centred. That sort of comment especially to someone outside would warrent a quick dumping.

pigletmania · 21/09/2009 18:55

Reading your other posts pissedoff why are you with someone who shows you no respect and just shruggs things off as thats the way he is, IMO you are best off without him. Please dont marry him whatever you do.

GypsyMoth · 21/09/2009 18:59

please,please don't think that anger management will in any way work,unless he us desperate to change. my ex had anger management on several occasions,but it can't change him....he is just the way he is,angry!

and its his own relationship with his mother that is at the root of it all too...

piscesmoon · 21/09/2009 18:59

I agree with the rest. You can't let him call you 'bitch', and most especially you can't let your DS think that it is acceptable. When he gets back I think you need to make it quite plain.

ineedalifelaundry · 21/09/2009 19:05

I don't think the issue is the photos / family time thing at all. This sounds like totally normal selfish bloke type behaviour - not good but hardly crime of the century. It's the sort of thing my dh would do, and I would've reacted the same way you did. It might even have led to a falling out- but he would NEVER dream of calling me a bitch even if he was thinking it. And especially not to his mates, and especially not in hearing of the dc!

He really does need to know that his behaviour is totally unacceptable- not just as a husband but also as a father. If he doesn't realise how wrong what he said is then he really has serious problems.

I'm concerned that you say he's done and said worse- what else has he done op??

piscesmoon · 21/09/2009 19:18

When he gets back I would give him 3 options.
1.He changes.

  1. If he can't change, but wants to- you go to Relate.
  2. If he thinks there is nothing wrong -you separate.
Whatever happens don't let him treat you, or speak to you, like that.
PrincessToadstool · 21/09/2009 19:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

junglist1 · 21/09/2009 19:30

Anger management for what? Start on men his own size does he? Worse than calling you a bitch is the fact he ruined what was supposed to be a happy family event IYSWIM. Abusive men always do that. Less of the DP. He's just a P. And forget turning the other cheek, give as good as you get when your child isn't there. That's the only thing that kept me sane when I was living with an abuser, that I could still run my mouth as well as him

junglist1 · 21/09/2009 19:31

And is his medical condition genuine or a load of manipulative cack

Original poster
pissedoffandcrying · 21/09/2009 20:03

His medical condition is a physical one caused by an accident last year so it is genuine and he hasn't slept well for over a year. However, this is not the cause of all this because he was like this before too. He is so different to the person I met all those years ago. That person is still there occasionally but more often than not is someone filled with hate and anger. Anything makes him angry - me, DS, bad drivers, even crap songs on the radio. There is no point in screaming back at him, it only makes him worse. He just can't see anything wrong with swearing at me, he thinks it is ok because "I know he doesn't mean it". Ironically he tells Ds not to speak to women badly but does not lead by example. I do not want DS to grow up full of the anger DP has. I am willing to stand by him until he has been to anger management - I know he wants to change, he hates his anger and is also depressed at being unable to work at present due to his injury and sometimes cries about this. However, if after there is no change then I am going to have to make some serious decisions because I cannot live with being spoken to like that for the rest of my life. I am not a demanding person. I don't expect to be wined and dined, to have my hair done and to be treated like a princess. I just want a quiet life for DS and I where we are not treading on egg shells. A home where people laugh more than they cry Is that too much to ask?

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 21/09/2009 20:54

op....its not too much to ask for,no!! but i think you need to accept you are with the wrong man if you want a life like that. he isn't going to change.

pigletmania · 21/09/2009 20:56

IMO pissedoff you are just making excuses for him, you said that he was like that before. You are enabling him as you just take it, so he thinks that you are not to be taken seriously and disprespects you. Tough love, you have to think of your ds first and foremost before anything else, he seems to have had loads of chances. Sometimes you have to take action for him to change.

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/09/2009 21:05

"Hold on mate, I've got the bitch in my ear again". Not a bitch. The bitch. That's how he refers to you when speaking to other people. He disrespects you not just to your face, not just to your son, but to all and sundry.

That is not an anger issue. Anger management will not change this behaviour. I really don't think you need to wait for this course to take place. You're just saying that to yourself because that way you don't have to make that decision - the decision to ask him to leave - yet. You know you have to make the decision. Yes, it will make him angry - everything does. But you need to make the decision. And carry through. If you can't do it for you, do it for your son. Soon.

2rebecca · 21/09/2009 21:38

If my bloke ever called me a bitch we would have a huge argument and he would have to apologise. On the other hand I don't see viewing photos on the TV as a major family occasion you can't interrupt with a phone call.
Him not pulling his weight re the kids and being verbally abusive to you is the real issue. The photo session isn't. He wasn't angry, he was verbally abusive and nasty.
I wouldn't be crying, I'd be angry.

winnybella · 21/09/2009 21:46

You've obviously have a big problem with your relationship and ..ummm..it's him?
I was in a long relationship with a verbally abusive person and stayed because we had a kid, but it was so not worth it. VERY traumatizing for my DS. Left him and ended up with a most lovely guy on earth and a father to my DD now.
Calling you a bitch to his friends, in the earshot of your child is unacceptable.
You need to rethink why are you with him imo.

UnquietDad · 21/09/2009 21:51

Agree, the photo issue is not huge, but calling you "the bitch" is really not on. Unless it was done in a really, really,jokey way and you regularly call him "the bastard" and it's understood there is no malice. And even then.

piscesmoon · 21/09/2009 22:08

Don't make excuses and let him put the problem onto you. He has got a problem and he needs to acknowledge it and get help.

groundhogs · 21/09/2009 22:26

[sharp intake of breath emoticon] That's out-bloody-rageous!

Send him to coventry, until he apologises. That way he won't have anything in his frigging ear...

Sorry, but THE ARSE!

scottishmummy · 21/09/2009 22:35

is the outburst symptomatic of a deeper rooted malaise.you allude to an accident -was it a HI?is the verbal outbursts and moods linked to the accident

what was he like prior to accident

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