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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to tell people to stop commenting on dd weight /height etc

80 replies

elmofan · 20/09/2009 16:02

well exactly like it says in the title really .....
dd (3.8) was born 4 weeks early & weighed 5lb, she was always a slow gainer but was walking by 9 1/2 months so advanced for her age although tiny , she had a hospital appointment on friday for her eczema & she had her height & weight checked & she is only 2 stone & 1 pound . the nurse kept saying " oh she's tiny" but when i told the doctor i was worried she said dd is a healthy child & told me to ignore other people . dd has started preschool on the 1st sept & i am sick & tired at this stage of some of the other mums asking me dd age & then comparing her to their child who is almost a year younger but the same height . aibu to just want to tell these kind of people it's not nice to compare children , or am i just being touchy

OP posts:
boolifooli · 21/09/2009 08:18

From my experience it's largely the competitive/insecure parents that are the ones making the comments. It even starts before you give birth, other mums saying 'gosh you're tiny for 30 weeks' and so on.

FlamingoDuBeke · 21/09/2009 08:21

No it's not boolifooli - it's just people trying, unimaginatively, to think of something to say!

It's a whole lot more interesting than 'isn't it nice/crap weather'!

boolifooli · 21/09/2009 08:33

Seriously, one woman from toddler group said it everytime I went, often she wouldn't even bother to say hello first!

posieparker · 21/09/2009 10:35

I would probably quip that isn't it feminine to be little, thank goodness she's small.

MissM · 21/09/2009 10:47

My DD was also born early and only weighed 4lb. She's 3.5 now and a little thing, wears 2-3 years clothes. I get these comments all the time and people wouuld genuinely looked shocked sometimes when she was a baby and I told them how old she was. It's bloody annoying, and I used to hate that feeling of having to 'justify' why she was small, but now I just smile sweetly and agree 'yes she is', or just say nothing. Ignore them, let it roll off you and love her even more for being so noticeable!

by the way, I'm only 5'2" and DH is only 5'6" so we were never going to have big children. I just say that to people if it gets too annoying.

boolifooli · 21/09/2009 11:20

I know exactly what you mean about the shock. It's like you feel the need to assure them that you do feed them etc. Maybe we should look shocked at them not knowing that children come in different sizes. Say 'gosh, did you not realise that 3 year olds aren't all the same size? How very bizarre' complete with raised eyebrows.

GrendelsMum · 21/09/2009 11:39

Yes, i think the thing to do is to come up with a positive line and repeat it with a smile each time. So something like "Yes, we're a slender family aren't we?" or "Yes, she's gorgeous isn't she - and so bright and friendly." Or even something like "Yes, she's just like me - I was tiny for years and then grew really fast when I was 11'"

Original poster
elmofan · 21/09/2009 13:54

thank you ladies , missm i think you have hit the nail on the head really about feeling like you have to justify why she is small , that's exactly how i feel , even her hv when she was little asked me to keep a diary for two weeks of dd food intake which had me in tears as it felt like they thought i wasn't feeding her enough , i now give her snacks every 2 hours because she is not a big dinner fan , so its little & often with her for meals ,
boolifooli - lol yes i have to laugh when people don't even try to hide their look of shock on their faces ,

OP posts:
TheMightyToosh · 21/09/2009 13:58

I agree with Flamingo - it is probably just people looking for something to say. Like commenting on my DD's hair (or lack thereof!) or how tall she is, or the next day someone saying she was quite small. Or how much she does/doesn't look like me/her dad...

It's mostly probably just small-talk.

Agree you just need to have a stock response about how you think she is perfect as she is and then change the subject. No point dwelling on something that was probably just a minor remark to start a conversation.

cheesesarnie · 21/09/2009 13:58

i get it now-why are you so tiny?blah blah blah.because i am.
dd gets it too.

elmo-as they say good things and small packages and all that-sooo true!

BetsyBoop · 21/09/2009 14:26

it's irritating, but just ignore it,most folks mean nothing by it.

I have the opposite problem as both my kids are on the 98th percentile for height. Well I'm 5'11" & DH is 6'3", so they were hardly going to be shorties were they.....

Loads of people have been asking DD for a year now, how she is enjoying school, until I point out she doesn't start until next September, as she will only be 4 in Dec. Similarly with DS & nursery, until I point out that he's not even 2 yet! (although he's already a good couple of inches taller than one of the lads at DD's nursery who is 3+!) Sometimes it's a problem for DD as they expect her to act like a 5/6 year old, until I point out she's only 3...

Just have a stock answer ready to trip off, I just say "well (s)he gets her/his height from her/his Mum!" and most folks just go "oh, yes I see..."

AliGrylls · 21/09/2009 14:37

No you are not being touchy. I know exactly how you feel.

diddl · 21/09/2009 14:43

It´s difficult not to feel "touchy" when/if it´s coming across as a criticism or a bad thing, though.

PeedOffWithNits · 21/09/2009 14:43

when DDs were 3 and 5 they were the same height weight and shoe size

mistaken for twins everywhere, everyone saying DD1 looked too tiny for school etc

she was actually very unwell and we did not know

Original poster
elmofan · 21/09/2009 15:03

oh peedoffwithnits hope your dd is OK now ,

having a good day today , nobody has commented on dd so far ( maybe everyone i know is a M/Netter & after reading this post are afraid to )

OP posts:
Jewelsandgems · 21/09/2009 19:22

Elmo I would make a point of always reacting with a positive comment whilst she can hear what is bring said. Even at this young age, they still know and understand what is being said. Love boolifolli's suggestion about saying that 3 year olds don't all come in the same size.

I new lady at DD nursery asked her her name and then said 'You're a tiny little thing arn't you?'. And my DD's said 'um yes' (not really knowing what to say back). But her little smile was gone by then and I thought, why bother saying anything while children can hear? I mean i do not count Freya as being a sensitive child, but even she did not like the comment made about her being small. (She is in her 3-4 clothes, but has fine bones like me)

Original poster
elmofan · 21/09/2009 21:12

hi jewels
i dont think dd is too bothered atm by what people say thankfully but yes i agree she will become more aware the older she gets , we tell her every day how beautiful she is to which she replies " yes i am " lol
so no confidence issue there so far
ah your poor dd ,what a daft thing to say to a child , .
x

OP posts:
oldraver · 21/09/2009 21:16

elmo I take it your DC will be starting school next September ? I wonder if they do 18-24 moth school trousers

Original poster
elmofan · 21/09/2009 21:25

lol i just asked my sister the same question this morning while out having a coffee , she nearly sprayed her coffee ( not very attractive )
oldraver if you see any whilst out shopping let me know ,

OP posts:
boolifooli · 21/09/2009 21:34

My ds who is 3 is in 1 to 1 1/2 year old trousers!

Original poster
elmofan · 21/09/2009 21:47

boolifooli you will be hunting down the school trousers with me so next year

OP posts:
boolifooli · 21/09/2009 21:54

He'll start reception easter 2011, he may be the size of 2 and a half year old by then! Where the hell do I get school trousers that small? We need to start a online shop for parents like us

Original poster
elmofan · 21/09/2009 22:01

dd starts school next sept , panic over boolifooli (hopefully) next online do school trousers from age 3 fewwwwwwwwwww lol

OP posts:
nooka · 22/09/2009 05:33

Just as an opposite view really, I met a little girl today who was chattering away to me about how tiny she was, and how great this was, all sorts of positive things from being small. To be honest I hadn't really registered she was small (there weren't any other girls around of her age to compare with). My dd is also very proud of being tall, and ds although sometimes sad about being "all skin and bones" also occasionally likes to point out that he can get through very small spaces and under things because of his lack of bulk (he really is very skinny!). So kids can be aware of their differences but feel happy about them too. I think handling those tricky, irritating comments is a fair part of that, but obviously that is easier if you have an easy explanation like he/she takes after his/her parents.

backintraining · 22/09/2009 16:05

Elmofan, I've had a look at this from what you posted on my thread. This website is great because it reminds you that you aren't on your own with a small/big/whatever baby. I think what I have experienced (DS being prem and obviously small as a result) what that it seems acceptable to comment on how small a baby is, but it's a taboo to go up to someone and say: "God, isn't your child fat." Some days it doesn't bother me, some days it does. Yesterday when the woman made the comment that DS was small, it bothered me but I think the reason for that was because she laughed when she said it, she could have backed it up with the word "freak" and it would have flowed so nicely for her. Some people are just insensitive and to be honest I don't think some people realise they are being insensitive. A supposed "friend" of ours (I don't like her that much) knows exactly what we went through with DS and how his weight gain has always been an "adventure" and she makes comments about how small he is - there's no hope for strangers!!